Heaven - After a string of high publicity public relations disasters, God, known by some as the Almighty Creator of the universe and...

Washington, D.C. - In recognition of the many important National Days that have been officially declared through an Act of Congress over the years, Congress has designated August 27th as National National Day Day. President Reagan, shown here addressing the nation to announce the designation of October 4th as National Where Am I, Who Are All These People Day "One of the most sacred responsibilities of being an elected leader in this country is the establishment of days where

Tallahassee, FL - Florida governor Ron DeSantis has signed an executive order banning transatlantic flights for anyone employed by the state. Governor DeSantis, shown here preparing to demonstrate how to locate the testicles on an Airbus A380 passenger plane "This kind of woke nonsense just isn't going to fly anymore in Florida," Governor DeSantis explained. "There are boy planes and there are girl planes. That's just common sense." The executive order comes days after Josep

Washington, D.C. - Republican lawmakers are raising concerns over the beloved American educational children's television series Sesame Street . A scene from the Lupercalia Festival celebration in an episode of Sesame Street where Elmo frees himself from ancestral bondage by undergoing an unbaptism ritual "This is a show for children that communicates to those children using "Muppets"," Lauren Boebert, the U.S. representative for Colorado's 3rd congressional district, explaine

London - For the first time since the technology was developed in 2012, gene editing using the CRISPR-Cas9 system has been used to successfully change the genome of a child born with Pediatric Asshole Disorder (PAD). Bryce Sagemop, shown here several weeks after gene editing cured his pediatric asshole disorder being a bit of a douchebag "This has given us a chance to start over as a family," Lilly Sagemop, the former asshole child's mother, explained. "For the first time in

San Diego, CA - Being an asshole may not be obvious until a child is a toddler, but some surprising new evidence is emerging that may prove that the condition begins much earlier, even while a fetus is developing in the womb. An adult patient with chronic asshole disorder, shown here undergoing an invasive neural scraping procedure in the hopes of a cure Brain tissue obtained from patients with Pediatric Asshole Disorder (PAD) who had died of unrelated causes has revealed pa

Harvard area, MA - New research performed near Harvard is baffling scientists all over the world according to one of them. Scientist Steve, shown here smiling in his science lab and probably about to say something really funny. Classic Steve! "I have to be honest and admit that none of us saw this coming...at all," Merrill Worcester explained. "Not even Steve. He was all like, "What...no way. Now that's a spicy meatball!" That's like Steve's catchphrase, and he does this stu

Portland, ME - When Portland 5-year-old Tackle Lewinsky skips down the long cement path towards his neighborhood playground, the other families know it's time to pack up and head home. Tackle, who loves dinosaurs, digging holes in the sand, and telling stories with at least two events, is an asshole. Suffering from the most severe form of the condition, he is in fact a complete and total asshole . Lewinsky, shown here holding a bird and smiling just prior to really pissing of

Davenport, IA - According to a recently published survey, virtually no American chickens are receiving regular chiropractic care despite recommendations from leading experts in the field of complementary and alternative veterinary healthcare . Dr. Grimes, shown here treating a chicken suffering from total spinal collapse (Accordion syndrome) "These results are extremely disappointing," Chiropractor Frank Grimes explained. "This means there are more than 9 billion chickens at

Lafayette, LA- Despite a weekend training course and several weeks of real world experience in the use of hand puppets and key jingling, JCPenney photographer JoAnne Milton was unable to stop 3-month-old Jessica Ayer's crying long enough to take a family portrait earlier today. Jessica Ayers, shown here just prior to becoming a vessel for the Dark Lord Satan "I just don't know what happened in there," Ms. Milton explained to a select panel of government officials and represen

Itasca, IL - A group of pediatric philosophers and psychologists with the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Section on Breastfeeding (SOBr) are recommending an update to the Apgar score system used to assess the health of newborns immediately after birth, with the hope of increasing focus on infant bonding. A newborn human, shown here screaming into the void of a seemingly meaningless existence even as he yearns desperately for the slightest sense of connection to somethi

Copenhagen, Denmark - Danish particle physicists from the Niels Bohr Institute have published a paper predicting the existence of a new elementary particle believed to be responsible for fundamental and powerful aspects of human existence. A small child, shown here demonstrating the strong interaction while enveloped in a naturally occuring Uhygges field by creating mass in her CoComelon pull-ups "This is a particle that is central to the experience of coziness and comfortab

Lausanne, Switzerland- Based on a recently completed scientific assessment of 3rd generation kinesiology tapes increasingly used by elite athletes, as well as the advanced taping techniques developed since their introduction at the 2012 Summer Olympics, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) is considering a total ban of the performance enhancing tapes. Haphazard application of modern kinesiology tape will be the leading cause of death and loss of limb in elite athletes a