Albuquerque, NM - Proponents of the ancient Chinese needle-based therapy known as acupuncture are rejoicing after the publication of a study investigating its use in patients with catastrophic penetrating neck wounds. Traditional Chinese ear acupuncture, shown here being used on a healthy 25-year-old man with a headache to prevent total organ failure from meningococcemia, may also slow death from exsanguination by a few seconds after taking a knife to the carotid artery "We c

Cincinnati, OH - Proctor & Gamble, the multinational consumer goods company behind the popular Swiffer brand, has announced the roll out of a new line of easy-to-use cleaning products geared towards medical spa-grade detoxification in the comfort of your own home. Lurninda Conrad was unable to turn 90 degrees prior to cleansing her innards with the Swiffer Bissel Steamboost enema attachment. "We've spent nearly two hundred years focused on producing the best cleaning and per

Washington, D.C. - The White House has announced plans to further update aging Liberty Island infrastructure that will now include the Statue of Liberty Museum, sculpture garden, and pedestrian walkways, as well as the construction of a giant husband to accompany the Statue of Liberty. A husbandless Statue of Liberty, overcome with loneliness and incapable of protecting America from giant monsters "This is turning out to be a really big project," National Park Service directo

Jacksonville, FL - Fred Farmer and his wife, Aurora Farmer, have split three years after a scandal resulted in his firing from the...

Boise, ID - According to a recent study, more men than ever are choosing natural prostate surgery without the use of anesthesia, pain medications, or other routine medical interventions. A man, shown here during a moment of quiet reflection one week after the removal of his prostate while under general anesthesia. Could he have done more? Is he a real man? What is his place in society if not at the head of the table? Will he be remembered as strong and brave? "A natural prost

Belvidere, NE- When Myrtle and Angus Rose welcomed their first child into the world last month, they scanned every inch of their nearly twelve pound baby for imperfections using an app on their smartphone. And like many parents, they were pleased to find a vigorous and plump baby with ten fingers, ten toes, and a normal sized penis perfect for incorporating into a birth announcement for their friends on Instagram. But joy quickly turned to confusion and frustration when they

Burbank, CA - Riding a record wave of profitable film releases, Warner Bros. Pictures, the American film studio and distribution arm of the Warner Bros. Motion Picture Group division of Warner Bros., both of which are owned by Warner Bros. Discovery, which itself is a minor subsidiary of Globodyne Industries , is hoping to extend the hot streak by expanding the popular Twister film franchise. A still from the upcoming Warner Bros. Television produced Tornadobots: Origins, an

Near Harvard - After years of research into the root causes of poor aging across a wide variety of biopsychosocial dimensions, experts near Harvard are have published their top recommendations for maintaining good health deep into the later decades of life. An elderly man and woman, shown here not smoking or drinking alcohol while riding horses across their family estate "You've got to stay active," Lead researcher Belmont Pennington III explained. "Whether it's joining your

Jacksonville, FL- Despite decades of scientific advancements in our understanding of human waste elimination across the lifespan, particularly in the most efficient and developmentally appropriate means of teaching young children to use modern toilets, a growing number of parents are turning to so-called alternative methods of potty training that they claim are more natural. A human child, forced to suffer through the indignity of a conventional symptom-based potty training m