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Writer's pictureZoo Knudsen

Brain Changes Suggest Being an Asshole Starts in the Womb

San Diego, CA - Being an asshole may not be obvious until a child is a toddler, but some surprising new evidence is emerging that may prove that the condition begins much earlier, even while a fetus is developing in the womb.


An adult patient with chronic asshole disorder, shown here undergoing an invasive neural scraping procedure in the hopes of a cure

Brain tissue obtained from patients with Pediatric Asshole Disorder (PAD) who had died of unrelated causes has revealed patches of disorganization in the cortex, a thin sheet of cells critical for learning, memory, and not being a complete asshole. Researchers were unable to demonstrate the same findings in brain samples obtained from kids who weren't assholes. The results of the study were published this month in Harrumph!, a medical journal focused on the deal with kids these days.


The organization of the brain, specifically in the cortex, begins early in pregnancy. According to Mort Fishman, a PAD researcher and co-author of the paper, disorganization in this region would have occurred well before the time that Republicans stop caring if the fetus lives or dies, which is currently around 24 weeks of gestation. "But, and I do want to be perfectly clear on this, parenting still plays a large role in PAD, especially the mother."


The developing brain in children, in particular the cortex, is arranged in a series of layers, with each layer containing different types of cells. In assholes kids, there are areas in the layers that lose distinction because the pattern of cell specific to each layer isn't there. According to Fishman, this specific pattern of disorganization may be the key to why some toddlers are just awful, awful people and everybody hates them.


Fishman, who is the director of the Institute for Asshole Science at the University of West Dakota in San Diego (IAS-UWDSD), believes that the findings add to a growing body of research on how genes control the development of the brain and play a role in PAD. "This tells us that perhaps initiating treatment early in childhood, when the brain has more potential to reorganize itself and circumvent impaired regions, might lead to improved outcomes and avoid the need for a surgical scraping of the cortex later in life. Maybe instead of an asshole, they'll just be really big jerks, and I think most of us can put up with that."


Fishman and the researchers at IAS-UWDSD are asking for help. They need more brains from both asshole kids and normal toddlers who at most only occasionally annoy the shit out of people waiting in line at Costco. Which is where the public can truly make a difference. Unfortunately, parents of assholes don't typically agree to donate their child's brain to asshole science, probably because they themselves are assholes. Parents can donate their child's brain pretty much whenever, but the IAS-UWDSD prefers waiting until the child has died.

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