Arlington, VA- The Infectious Diseases Society of America (IDSA) has issued a new set of guidelines for the prevention of hospital acquired-infections that includes the recommendation that all hospitals transition to single-use therapy dogs by 2030. Single-use therapy dog and good boy, Thomas Cavendish, shown here mere moments before being incinerated to reduce hospital infection rates and methane emissions "The IDSA understands and appreciates the joy that a visit from a the

Miami, Fl - Experts with the Miami Police Department are reaching out to parents and teachers of young children to raise awareness of pediatric excited delirium, a potentially dangerous condition often associated with ingestions of powerful stimulants. Miami baby Gary Peterson, shown here developing fructose-induced excited delirium and just prior to being shot by the police "We aren't talking about your average run-of-the-mill toddler tantrums," Corporal Chad Blaze , a devel

Montgomery, AL - According to a recently published study, giving birth does not result in an increased need for sleep. Birthing Unit # 19,251,450 "Jennifer", shown here happily fulfilling her righteous duty on 1-2 hours of sleep per night "Women in general simply don't need that much sleep," Charp Ullman, Chief of Science at God's Judgement Center for Biblical Truth explained. "And we have proven with this study that childbirth doesn't change that fact, so they should all jus

Cambridge, MA- Researchers near the Department of Materials Science and Engineering at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology held a press conference today to discuss the development and possible applications of gluten-free medical examination gloves. A physician, let's just call him Steve, shown here donning a pair of gluten-free gloves before performing a routine plectal scraping on a patient suffering from tertiary grimp "Gluten intolerance is a serious and increasingl

Washington, D.C. - As the 2024 presidential election nears, and in the wake of the recent release of new downloadable content for the...

Gulf Breeze, FL - Men all over the United States are growing increasingly frustrated that their unique health concerns , particularly challenges involving penile erections, are being largely ignored by medical research and downplayed by society. Senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate JD Vance, shown here estimating the size of Donald Trump's penis during a speech at the 2024 Republican National Convention "We are sick and tired of being the butt of jokes and havin

Gainesville, FL - The American College of Pediatricians (ACPeds) , a national organization of pediatricians and other healthcare professionals dedicated to the health and well-being of some children, has issued guidance for parents on having "the talk". A conservative mother, shown here explaining to her 6-year-old daughter about Biden's treasonous open border policies and how using barbed wire to keep out illegals protects her from being raped by brown people. "Talking to ki

Two U.S. painters have qualified for the Paris games - Winthrop Alabaster IV (AlaBlaster) and Cordelia Sinclair (Brush Bitch) - and two spots remain. Paris - For the first time in history, the Paris Games will feature competitive painting as an official Olympic sport. Competitive painting judge P-Slap Birchmore, shown here just after handing out a red flag for illegal tracing "Paint will be flying, next level imaginations will be revealed, and athletes will be showcasing thei

Nashville, TN - According to a recent study near Vanderbilt, an increasing number of new parents are using social media for inspiration when it comes to choosing a name for their babies. Two new parents, shown here lovingly gazing at their newborn son Mr. Beast, who later attempted to return the baby at a local GameStop "These are younger parents who have grown up with the internet and social media as a big part of their lives," Mort Fishman MD , an obstetrician and Director

Atlanta, GA - A newly published CDC study on the sexual habits of adolescents comes as a bit of good news in these uncertain times. Though millions of adults continue to face hardships related to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, the sluggish economy, the loss of basic human rights, and the intensifying death rattle of American democracy, fewer teenagers are being followed by shape shifting sex demons. A group of non-voting American 18-19-year-old teenagers, shown here celebrati

Sedona, AZ - Researchers at Vortex BioNutraceuticals (formerly the Scientific Institute for Superfood Science) in Sedona have announced the discovery of a new generation of highly evolved superfoods that some experts are claiming will revolutionize health and wellness. Elmena Hubbard, shown here eating one of the newly discovered superfoods and just prior to registering for her first ultramarathon "These are superfoods on bioidentical steroids," Vortex BioNutraceuticals (VBN)