Danish Physicists Predict New Elementary Particle

Copenhagen, Denmark - Danish particle physicists from the Niels Bohr Institute have published a paper predicting the existence of a new elementary particle believed to be responsible for fundamental and powerful aspects of human existence.

A small child, shown here demonstrating the strong interaction while enveloped in a naturally occurring Uhygges field by creating mass in her CoComelon pull-ups

"This is a particle that is central to the experience of coziness and comfortable conviviality," study author Asger Bøggild explained. "And in addition to being at the core of our feelings of wellness and contentment, it is just wonderful...like the cosmos welcoming us all home with a warm and inviting hug."

Predicting the existence of a theoretical particle is only the first step. Bøggild and his team will now work on proving it with the help of the Large Hadron Collider, the world's biggest and most powerful particle accelerator. "We will take two test subjects that are enjoying a quiet and cozy Friday evening, perhaps watching a favorite movie while snuggling on the sofa in front of a warm fire with a large bowl of mixed candies and glasses of gløgg, and collide them at over 99% of the speed of light. If the Hygges Boson exists, we will detect it."

Not all experts are expressing support for the planned experiments. Some, like skeptical physicist Skræmt Gnaven, are warning that such high energy collisions could result in the formation of something spooky and unsettling that hides just beneath the thin patina of comfort and warmth. "The creation of an artificial and extremely powerful Uhygges field is possible when you mess around with fundamental forces of human nature like this."

Gnaven, who studies naturally occurring Uhygges fields by dressing up as a clown and chasing young children through the forests near his home town of Aarhus, worries that an artificially created Uhygges filed could expand exponentially. Gaining power as it grows in size, the field could eventually envelop the entirety of the Earth in an ominous feeling of existential discomfort. "Imagine having all of the relaxation, all of the enjoyment of life's quieter pleasures, just sucked out of you and everyone you love. It would be most unpleasant."