In light of today's events, we at FIFA must consider possibly revoking the inaugural Peace Prize awarded to President Trump in December. At the very least, we will think about putting a hold on plans to bestow upon the president a permanent designation as FIFA Prince of Peace. Oops! That was supposed to be a surprise for his birthday party. Don't tell him you guys! Infantino, shown here awarding Salt Bae the inaugural FIFA World's Best Beef award in 2022 FIFA President Gianni

Washington, D.C. - In an unprecedented move, President Trump has now officially called on the United States Ultimate Court for a decision after the Supreme Court struck down his extensive global tariffs last week. Vice-President JD Vance, shown here being told that the Ultimate Court requires a human sacrifice to appear, and right before everyone in the room turns and looks at him "This has never happened before," Federal Judicial Center director Robin Rosenberg explained. "W

Belvidere, NE - According to food scientists at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln Agricultural Research Division, a recent breakthrough in the science of genetically modifying plants has led to the development of foods, particularly baked goods, with considerably higher amounts of love. Belvidere's Myrna Miller, shown here baking with her grandson Mervis, who was born with a cabbage head because her daughter-in-law prefers Sara Lee to her own homemade apple pie "Everyone kno

People are always asking what happened to the characters after that day. Did Ferris and Sloane get married? Yes! And now their kid is having a day off too. Cameron? Well...his father killed him when he got home and saw what happened to the car. Murder-suicide. And for some reason Tom Cruise is in this, but he's playing Maverick from Top Gun . And there are zombies. I'm contractually obligated to do this. Matthew Broderick, shown here with wife Sarah Jessica Parker, discussing

Cambridge, MA - The results of a groundbreaking scientific study conducted near Harvard are calling into question a long-held culinary belief and angering home cooks around the world. Half of the study meals were prepared by Gladys Simpson, a real life grandmother whose heart is filled with hate, shown here angrily whisking up some homemade meringue "It's a myth," Chief culinologist and the study's lead author Gilbert Gaudet explained. "The subjects in our study performed no

Baton Rouge, LA - Jeff Landry, Louisiana governor and U.S. Special Envoy to Greenland, is defending his plan to send a fleet of emergency pirogues to the Danish territory after a stern rejection from the semi-autonomous island nation's prime minister. Alphonse Thibodeaux, a retired shrimper from Mamou, shown here in his pirogue preparing to head out to Greenland along with the rest of the fleet "Shame on dat couyon," Landry wrote on X over the weekend. "After making the veill

Nobody should be discouraged who is alive right now because there is a lot to look forward to thanks to rapidly advancing technology. Most of you won't even have to worry about that dreaded commute to work by 2045, because of robots. Yes...robots. You'll all be...ummm...living in space while the robots do all the hard stuff? Yeah, that's right. Just relaxing in space. Doesn't that sound exciting? And you won't all be left behind. Who said anything about all the poor people be

Washington, D.C. - After weeks of intrigue, and White House officials ignoring reporters' questions about obvious use of low-quality make-up and prosthetic devices, details on the nature and severity of President Trump's mysterious hand injuries have been leaked, revealing the loss of both of the world leader's index fingers in a tragic finger trap incident. President Trump, shown here using one of his now amputated index fingers to point at the sky during a solar eclipse in

After directing movies for six decades, I've learned a lot about how movies are made. It is rewarding, but never easy. Nothing in this business, and I mean nothing, is more challenging than figuring out where to set up the cameras before all that amazing stuff happens. Director Steven Spielberg, shown here holding up his 2026 Golden Globes trophies for writing and directing The Fabelmans 2: Sammy vs. The Time Gobblers Legendary filmmaker Steven Spielberg, overheard in Decembe

Being a mother can be hard, and these women deserve our respect and our support. I once hiked all .6 miles of the Bear Lake Loop in Rocky Mountain National Park without stopping, so I know what it's like. That's why I'm qualified to tell them how important it is that they are attached to their baby at all times in order to prevent future mental health issues. Mort Fishman, neonatal psychologist and women ally, shown here expressing empathy and concern as he tells a new mother

Nashville, TN - Experts agree that the bond between a newborn baby and their former host is one of the most important psychosocial milestones in childhood, and an increasing number of hospitals are using an objective assessment tool to provide real-time feedback so that healthcare teams, in consultation with the mother, can make informed parenting choices. A mother, shown here more than 3 inches away from her newborn, having likely already doomed the baby to a lifetime of des

Opinion Frank Grimes, DC Frank Grimes, shown here confidently telling a mother that her baby's spleen is sad, has watched Jurassic Park eleven times As a highly trained expert in spinal health, including advanced certificates in pediatric chiropractic, newborn wellness, and backpack weight distribution management, I work with a lot of families with young children. One of the most important topics I discuss with parents is the role of primitive reflexes in growth and developm

Children that fail to integrate primitive reflexes have an unbalanced nervous system and go on to experience learning problems, poor development, sensory sensitivity, emotional dysregulation, bedwetting into adulthood, challenges with finding anyone to love them, and a string of one dead-end job after another until, ultimately, they die penniless, afraid, and alone. Frank Grimes, DC, DACCP, DICCP, FICCP, MSCP, Level 7 Spine Wizard Frank Grimes, a doctor of chiropractic who sp

Washington, D.C. - After an overnight announcement by President Trump, Washington insiders are now saying that plans are in motion to erect a statue in honor of elite forensic psychiatrist and Baltimore socialite Hannibal Lecter on White House grounds. Pennywise the Dancing Clown, shown here being told that he will not be receiving a Presidential Medal of Freedom this year "It is probably going to be placed on the south side of the grounds," an anonymous source who asked for

"Nobody ever wants to talk about the people that Mr. Lecter didn't murder. Or eat for that matter. Nobody ever wants to give him any credit for all the times he just had a big salad." Senator Lankford, shown here reassuring homeless LGBTQ+ Americans that the flames of Hell will keep them warm for eternity James Lankford, senior U.S. senator from Oklahoma, during a recent press conference following the announcement of a national Hannibal Lecter memorial by President Trump .

Health A team of surgeons and nurses, shown here using masks and sterile protective gear despite the extremely low risk of catching COVID-19 For almost everyone, the days of pandemic-related masking and social distancing are in the rearview mirror. In some hospitals, however, you might think you were walking down a hallway in 2020 rather than 2026. Some medical professionals are still taking extreme measures to avoid infections. When surgeons at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in

Napa County, CA - Dale Southerland, an accountant visiting the Flora Springs Winery and Vineyards in St. Helena over the weekend, shocked a large crowd of winemakers, cellar rats, and fellow winery patrons when he was able to note 27 distinct flavors in their 2023 Russian River Valley Chardonnay. Southerland, shown here tasting the gooseberry mere moments before being ripped apart by fellow wine tasters so that they might feed upon his brain stem and olfactory cortex to acqui

Tampa, FL - For over a hundred years, when people think of their friendly neighborhood dentist, two words come to mind: "rinse" and "spit". Pivotal in the well-known process of removing excess saliva, tartar, plaque, and small chunks of food during a thorough dental cleaning is the cuspidor, also known as a spittoon. Modern cuspidors, like the Quantum 3000 Turbo-Bowl, come with their own water supply and a convenient place to place small paper or plastic cups, and their high-

Davenport, IA - Life-threatening spinal injuries usually involve a source of obvious trauma, such as a motor vehicle accident or accidentally falling down an open manhole when someone forgets to put the cover back. But this isn't always the case. A growing number of mothers and fathers are suffering from what chiropractors, experts in the management of spine health, are calling "crack back" or "line spine", and they are calling for increased awareness and action from governme

Near Harvard - Experts in animal behavior near Harvard found in a recent study that many dog owners aren't very good at interpreting the full range of their pet's emotional states, with a whopping 95% being unable to pick up on more than two or three. Dr. Snickers, a 3-year-old Havanese, shown here experiencing intense schadenfreude after watching an aggressive German Shepherd being run over by a Cybertruck "The results were very unexpected," canine psychologist and lead scie