Near Harvard - Experts in the scientific study of the body language of fossilized remains of early humans have announced the results of an analysis of the Altamura Man, one of the most complete Paleolithic skeletons ever discovered and the source of the oldest sample of Neanderthal DNA. Neanderthal remains found in Kebara, Israel in 1983 reveal a man with crossed arms and a head slumped forward who lacked self-esteem in social situations and was probably hiding a dark secret

Boston, MA - When man first began to desire the elegant and professional look of a smooth and hairless face, this required the use of a sharpened shell or perhaps a crude copper instrument. Over the millennia, we have developed an increasingly powerful array of pogonotomical technologies, allowing humanity to creep closer and closer to the evolutionary pinnacle of facial aesthetics: the perfect shave. Recent discoveries, such as the Nobel prize winning Gillette Lubrastrip, wa

Washington, D.C. - As the astronauts of NASA's Artemis II mission near completion of their epic and inspirational journey to the moon and back, the first in over 50 years, conservative scientists are heralding the accomplishment as definitive proof of the Trumpiocentric model of the cosmos. President Trump's drawing of a proposed Orion spacecraft, which Lockheed Martin engineers relied heavily on during the design process "This is something that we have long suspected to be a

Washington, D.C. - A new survey conducted by the the United States Departments of Agriculture and Health and Human Services has revealed a significant decrease in the number of Americans claiming to understand the current dietary guidelines that they have no intention of ever following. The discontinued MyPlate visual guide for healthy eating, shown here thinking it's better than us with its complex geometrical shapes and, is that a fork? Don't tell me how to eat my food Mich

New York - Hitting newsstands last week, the latest edition of Maxim Science , a popular science magazine for men, revealed the highly anticipated results of their controversial annual listing of the world's sexiest and least sexy human organs. A young Sydney Sweeney, shown here just prior to becoming lodged in the gears of a wheat thresher, would become a major advocate for spleen health Coming in as the least sexy human organ, according to the experts at Maxim Science , the

America - A huge question is apparently on the minds of millions of Americans after President Trump revealed an architectural rendering of plans for the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library earlier this week, and they are turning to the internet for answers. A rendering of the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library revealed to the nation earlier this week "It looks amazing," 3-time Trump voter Amber Trusk, a retired nurse who has lived in Tampa for the past thirty years, expla

Washington, D.C. - According to an inside source from within the White House that is not J.D. Vance, President Trump will be announcing a revolutionary opportunity for all Americans to find financial blessings during a planned prime time address to the nation. President Trump, shown here explaining to a crowd of followers that the "Blessings Cloth" found on every seat was anointed with oil from his very own sweat glands and will open the way to prosperity both during and afte