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Writer's pictureZoo Knudsen

JCPenney Photographer Unable to Calm Crying Infant, Vatican Weighs in

Lafayette, LA- Despite a weekend training course and several weeks of real world experience in the use of hand puppets and key jingling, JCPenney photographer JoAnne Milton was unable to stop 3-month-old Jessica Ayer's crying long enough to take a family portrait earlier today.


Jessica Ayers, shown here just prior to becoming a vessel for the Dark Lord Satan

"I just don't know what happened in there," Ms. Milton explained to a select panel of government officials and representatives from the Catholic church gathered in the nearby housewares department. "That baby wasn't responding to anything. Not even Cuddly Bear. It's like she's some kind of demon or something. It isn't right, that's for sure!"


Though not the first time that Satan, or some lesser demon, has taken over the body of a child in a department store, some experts are calling this the most serious case of possession in decades. Clinical demonologist, Dr. Mort Fishman, has been involved in the diagnosis and management of several reported cases. "I was called in one time when a kid smeared feces all over the Easter Bunny at a Sears in Spokane. Not an Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny."


After a thorough investigation by store management, and a conference call with Vatican leadership, JCPenney chairman Ronald Tysoe will decided what the next course of action will be. Store manager Ray Geddes was unwilling to speculate as to whether the Ayer's would receive a full cash refund or store credit, however he did state that "First and foremost we are worried about that baby's soul, but I have faith in the wisdom of our chairman...and the Pope."

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