'They're Just Gone.': Details on Trump's Finger Trap Injury Leaked

Washington, D.C. - After weeks of intrigue, and White House officials ignoring reporters' questions about obvious use of low-quality make-up and prosthetic devices, details on the nature and severity of President Trump's mysterious hand injuries have been leaked, revealing the loss of both of the world leader's index fingers in a tragic finger trap incident.

President Trump, shown here using one of his now amputated index fingers to point at the sky during a solar eclipse in 2017.

"I'm not sure that I've ever seen anything quite like this," Mort Fishman, an orthopedic surgeon specializing in novelty and gag toy-related injuries, explained after reviewing the leaked documents. "Don't get me wrong, I've seen some stuff. I got the call when the Queen fractured her coccyx because of an overinflated whoopee cushion. But this is different. His fingers...they're just gone."

According to the files anonymously mailed to news organizations around the country, the president spent several days early last year with both index fingers stuck in a bamboo finger trap, sometimes called a Chinese finger puzzle though it is not truly of Chinese origin. Despite the efforts of Chaz McBang, Trump's handpicked Commanding General of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, the president's fingers were ultimately amputated. McBang, who previously hosted McBang and Rotating Blond Woman, a late-night science and celebrity gossip show on Fox News, also serves as Trump's magnet czar.

In response to the leak, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt was in full denial mode, calling the information a hoax during a press conference held late yesterday.

President Trump did not stick his fingers in a Chinese finger trap. He was not confused by how the trap works and he was not scared. At no point did he cry because he thought he would be stuck like that forever. And he absolutely did not yank so hard trying to escape the finger trap that the paper-thin skin was torn off of both index fingers resulting in the need for an amputation.

Finger traps, or at least some variation of the modern gag toy, date to at least 1870 when a single-sided version was used by German prostitutes on unsuspecting clients with a history of refusing to pay for services rendered. Those devices, recorded as Schwanzenfanger or the German translation "Cock Catchers", were outlawed after a syphilis epidemic in 1893. Modern finger traps employ a similar mechanism of action involving cylindrical, helically wound braids that tighten when lengthened by pulling. Releasing the trap requires simply relaxing the tension, but a target of the gag can free themselves with enough pulling force as the traps are generally made from fairly weak bamboo fibers.

The president's injuries appear to have been a result of a mix of panic and extremely fragile skin and soft tissue. Dr. Fishman, who is familiar with a variety of injuries caused through the well-intentioned use of items like the finger trap. "Have fun, but you have to be careful and you have to pay attention to the environment. I once treated a man who had opened one of those snake nut cans while walking down a sidewalk with the perpetrator, and then he fell into an open manhole while distracted."