Unhappy with Recent Legal Setbacks, Trump Hopes for Ultimate Court Reversal

Washington, D.C. - In an unprecedented move, President Trump has now officially called on the United States Ultimate Court for a decision after the Supreme Court struck down his extensive global tariffs last week.

Vice-President JD Vance, shown here being told that the Ultimate Court requires a human sacrifice to appear, and right before everyone in the room turns and looks at him

"This has never happened before," Federal Judicial Center director Robin Rosenberg explained. "We knew that it existed. That they existed. But to actually invoke their judgement over something like this? It's...it's...madness."

The Ultimate Court has been shrouded in mystery since the inception of this country. According to Rosenberg, there are some legal historians that believe the Ultimate Court came into being long before the days of the Founding Fathers. "There are claims. Rumors mostly. I can't say anything with certainty, of course. But I've heard that they have been around for thousands of years, just watching. Watching and waiting. To be called."

In a post on Truth Social earlier today, President Trump called the Supreme Court's decision into question and declared his intention to reach out to the Ultimate Court:

The recent decision of the United States Supreme Court concerning TARIFFS could allow for Hundreds of Billions of Dollars to be returned to Countries and Companies that have been "ripping off" the United States of America for many years to come, and now, according to this Decision, could actually continue to do so, at an even increased level. This is why I have Broken all Three Seals and Spoken the Words passed down unbroken through the line of Presidents, from George Washington, who many people say I am doing a much better job than, to Me. President Donald J. Trump

The Ultimate Court, once the ritual has been completed, will appear and pass judgement within three days, as represented by the Seals of Invocation, three stone tablets inscribed in Sanskrit. Though legal scholars do not entirely agree on how the process will unfold, Rosenberg believes that there are certain rules that must be followed. "As the tablets reveal, there will be a day of hearkening, a day of ascertainment, and a day of contemplation. At the end of the third day, a decision will be handed down. And then they'll order pizza."