Genetically Modified Baked Goods Contain 30% More Love

Belvidere, NE - According to food scientists at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln Agricultural Research Division, a recent breakthrough in the science of genetically modifying plants has led to the development of foods, particularly baked goods, with considerably higher amounts of love.

Belvidere's Myrna Miller, shown here baking with her grandson Mervis, who was born with a cabbage head because her daughter-in-law prefers Sara Lee to her own homemade apple pie

"Everyone knows that the best meals are prepared with a little love," Derek McLean, Dean and Director of the Agricultural Research Division, explained. "With the use of advanced technology by some of the world's leading scientific minds in this field, we may soon live in a world where all of your favorite recipes, from apple pie to rhubarb cobble, from peach fritters to blueberry buckle, and even chocolate potato pie, will contain amounts of love previously believed to be impossible, and without needing to be made at home by your grandmother."

Not everyone believes that the introduction of genetically modified crops into the food supply, even when they result in a substantial increase in the amount of love in a carrot cake or even a lemon meringue pie, is a good idea. Myrna Miller, whose peach cobbler has won first prize at the Belvidere Country Craft and Flea Market Bake-Off an unprecedented 54 years in a row, has begun a letter writing campaign in the hopes of putting and end to the project.

It ain't right messin' around with nature like that. You just can't go foolin' with the natural order of things without brewin' up a mighty mess o' trouble. Trouble like increased rates of cancer and other degenerative ailments, the breeding of superviruses with near human-like intelligence, and more and more children being born with cabbage heads!

Even some experts, like Harvard-adjacent culinologist Gilbert Gaudet, are questioning the need for focusing limited research dollars on increasing the percentage of love in food. According to a study performed at his science lab near Harvard, subjects frequently failed to determine when there is any love in a meal when blinded. "Eating is a highly complex activity and it is impossible to separate the environment surrounding a meal from the chemical components of the food being ingested. You can stuff an apricot clafoutis with as much love as you want, but you won't like it very much if you think it was baked by Ghislaine Maxwell.