Proctor & Gamble Announces Line of At-Home Personal Detox Products Under Swiffer Brand

Cincinnati, OH - Proctor & Gamble, the multinational consumer goods company behind the popular Swiffer brand, has announced the roll out of a new line of easy-to-use cleaning products geared towards medical spa-grade detoxification in the comfort of your own home.

Lurninda Conrad was unable to turn 90 degrees prior to cleansing her innards with the Swiffer Bissel Steamboost enema attachment.

"We've spent nearly two hundred years focused on producing the best cleaning and personal care products on the market," Proctor & Gamble CEO Jon Moeller explained. "And these new products, like the Swiffer Steamboost's enema attachment or our disposable wet and dry detox cloths, are going to take cleaning at home to a new level!"

Since 1999, the Swiffer brand has been a symbol of innovative, effective, and effortless cleaning at a reasonable price that is now sold in countries around the world and worth half a billion dollars. The secret behind their new products, according to Moeller, is the power of electrostatic attraction combined with the use of a specialized detox solution:

Not everyone has the time or budget for a professional colon cleanse or a lymphatic massage. With the Steamboost enema attachment, you can shoot this stuff up your own ass and let the solution do all the work while you binge Love Island. And a quick rubdown with one of our detox pads absorbs toxins straight through the skin, leaving you fresh and clean to your core.

Just like the floors in your house can become caked with grime and covered in dust and pet hair, your colon can hold up to fifteen pounds of undigested waste. Mort Fishman, a Doctor of Household Naturopathy, revealed that we live in a toxic world full of scary chemicals and even scarier food ingredients, like seed oils and electromagnetic gluten. "Now my patients don't have to live in fear of leaving their house without wearing one of my specially designed hats."

Proctor & Gamble is sticking with their highly successful "razor and blades" business model when it comes to the new line of products. For example, customers will need to purchase the reusable enema attachment for the Steamboost and then a fresh gallon of the Swiffer ColoCleanse solution for each use. Moeller recommends a deep cleaning of the enema attachment between each use and to stick to one unit per customer.