Scientists Raise Concerns Over Advances in Shaving Technology

Boston, MA - When man first began to desire the elegant and professional look of a smooth and hairless face, this required the use of a sharpened shell or perhaps a crude copper instrument. Over the millennia, we have developed an increasingly powerful array of pogonotomical technologies, allowing humanity to creep closer and closer to the evolutionary pinnacle of facial aesthetics: the perfect shave. Recent discoveries, such as the Nobel prize winning Gillette Lubrastrip, water-activated and infused with vitamin E and aloe for less skin irritation, and the incorporation of a 5th blade into the Gillette Fusion shaving system, have truly taken shaving into the 21st century.

A man, shown here shaving while blissfully unaware of the potential to destroy everyone and everything he has ever cared about with each smooth stroke of the Gillette Cosmos razor

Today, thanks to the wonders of both methodological and metaphysical naturalism, we live in a world where the raw and bloody face associated with using razors with only one or even three blades is a long-forgotten nightmare. In fact, pioneering companies like Gillette have pushed the envelope beyond what would seem ethical, essentially playing God with the human face, and have achieved the impossible, not only in harnessing the might of 5 blades but also powerful and mysterious micropulses that reduce facial friction to improve razor glide. They are close to ensuring that the next generation of shavers will be the first to live their entire lives never needing to endure the horrors of razor burn or embarrassing afternoon stubble. But some researchers, concerned about the potential global impact of increasingly advanced shaving technologies in the pipeline, are beginning to question a seemingly reckless pursuit of closer and closer shaves.

"It isn't right and somebody needs to put a stop to it," retired nuclear safety officer Walter Wagner explained. "Right now, the only thing standing between the consumer and total facial annihilation is my tireless efforts in the courts."

What Wagner is referring to is the latest advancement in shaving, only recently revealed by scientists at the Gillette research and development center in South Boston. According to Alfred Stubble, the company's head of grooming technology, the plan was for more than merely an incremental advance. "We considered a softer and more comfortable grip. We considered a sixth blade. Either would have certainly revolutionized shaving and been a lock for another Nobel, but they pale in comparison to what we eventually came up with. This is really going to knock your socks off, and there is really almost no chance that it will melt your face off or destroy the planet if used properly."

Due to hit store shelves next month, the Gillette Cosmos will make use of the latest advances in particle physics with its Quantaglide enhancement to the iconic Lubrastrip as well as an ingenious way of boosting the effectiveness of the razor's 5 blades. Stubble, who asked that we not make a big deal about his last name, emphasized a key three-step process. "With the addition of a layer of microscopic black holes to the Lubrastrip, and a proprietary number of strangelets to the blades, even the toughest beards will be gently lifted away from the face and then utterly destroyed by a catastrophic chain reaction that fundamentally restructures each hair into strange quark matter. And then you have to put the protective cover back on right away. I simply can't stress that enough."

Not satisfied with reassurances from Gillette, Wagner is asking for the courts to intervene. "We are requesting a few months to investigate, and to better understand the risks involved." he revealed. "Black holes and strangelets being that close to the human face may have some nasty consequences. The attractive and destructive powers of these forces of nature may bring about the end of unwanted facial hair, but they might leave a trail of bloody headless corpses in their wake. And if just one is placed down on the counter without that cover, well let's just say that none of us will need to worry about shaving ever again."