More Americans Confused by Dietary Guidelines They Plan to Keep Ignoring

Washington, D.C. - A new survey conducted by the the United States Departments of Agriculture and Health and Human Services has revealed a significant decrease in the number of Americans claiming to understand the current dietary guidelines that they have no intention of ever following.

The discontinued MyPlate visual guide for healthy eating, shown here thinking it's better than us with its complex geometrical shapes and, is that a fork? Don't tell me how to eat my food Michelle Obama!

"This is an extremely worrisome trend," USDA secretary Brooke Rollins explained. "The updated guidelines for 2025 to 2030 were designed to be healthier than ever before, but also easier for people to wrap their heads around. That's why our visual guide is just a triangle, the simplest polygon, to avoid angering real Americans. Wait, is it the upside down thing? I told Bobby that was stupid."

Now that's a representation of dietary guidelines that makes sense. I'm not going to follow it, but I get what it's saying. No ethnic food.

The updated dietary guidelines, which were introduced in January, replaced the outdated MyPlate visual guide that had been ignored by Americans since it was first introduced in 2011. According to Mort Fishman, an endocrinologist that focuses on obesity management, MyPlate was a disaster from day one. "It was a mess. It had circles, curvilinear triangles with one convex side, and a fork. A fucking fork. People weren't just confused, they were angry."

The survey, published this week in Online Publishing Module #568,449: Asking Random People Stuff, revealed that more than 90% of Americans would not feel confident in their ability to intelligently discuss the new dietary guidelines at a social gathering, such as an office holiday party or while waiting in the checkout line at a TJ Maxx. The authors recommended moving to a simpler format for a visual guide in the future. "We think that a straight line would work best, although that could be a bit pretentious. Maybe a pile. Just a pile of food. Americans like piles."