Lafayette, LA- Despite a weekend training course and several weeks of real world experience in the use of hand puppets and key jingling, JCPenney photographer JoAnne Milton was unable to stop 3-month-old Jessica Ayer's crying long enough to take a family portrait earlier today. Jessica Ayers, shown here just prior to becoming a vessel for the Dark Lord Satan "I just don't know what happened in there," Ms. Milton explained to a select panel of government officials and represen

Itasca, IL - A group of pediatric philosophers and psychologists with the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Section on Breastfeeding (SOBr) are recommending an update to the Apgar score system used to assess the health of newborns immediately after birth, with the hope of increasing focus on infant bonding. A newborn human, shown here screaming into the void of a seemingly meaningless existence even as he yearns desperately for the slightest sense of connection to somethi

Copenhagen, Denmark - Danish particle physicists from the Niels Bohr Institute have published a paper predicting the existence of a new elementary particle believed to be responsible for fundamental and powerful aspects of human existence. A small child, shown here demonstrating the strong interaction while enveloped in a naturally occurring Uhygges field by creating mass in her CoComelon pull-ups "This is a particle that is central to the experience of coziness and comforta