Albuquerque, NM - Proponents of the ancient Chinese needle-based therapy known as acupuncture are rejoicing after the publication of a study investigating its use in patients with catastrophic penetrating neck wounds. Traditional Chinese ear acupuncture, shown here being used on a healthy 25-year-old man with a headache to prevent total organ failure from meningococcemia, may also slow death from exsanguination by a few seconds after taking a knife to the carotid artery "We c

Cincinnati, OH - Proctor & Gamble, the multinational consumer goods company behind the popular Swiffer brand, has announced the roll out of a new line of easy-to-use cleaning products geared towards medical spa-grade detoxification in the comfort of your own home. Lurninda Conrad was unable to turn 90 degrees prior to cleansing her innards with the Swiffer Bissel Steamboost enema attachment. "We've spent nearly two hundred years focused on producing the best cleaning and per

Washington, D.C. - The White House has announced plans to further update aging Liberty Island infrastructure that will now include the Statue of Liberty Museum, sculpture garden, and pedestrian walkways, as well as the construction of a giant husband to accompany the Statue of Liberty. A husbandless Statue of Liberty, overcome with loneliness and incapable of protecting America from giant monsters "This is turning out to be a really big project," National Park Service directo