Portland, ME - When Portland 5-year-old Tackle Lewinsky skips down the long cement path towards his neighborhood playground, the other families know it's time to pack up and head home. Tackle, who loves dinosaurs, digging holes in the sand, and telling stories with at least two events, is an asshole. Suffering from the most severe form of the condition, he is in fact a complete and total asshole . Lewinsky, shown here holding a bird and smiling just prior to really pissing of

Davenport, IA - According to a recently published survey, virtually no American chickens are receiving regular chiropractic care despite recommendations from leading experts in the field of complementary and alternative veterinary healthcare . Dr. Grimes, shown here treating a chicken suffering from total spinal collapse (Accordion syndrome) "These results are extremely disappointing," Chiropractor Frank Grimes explained. "This means there are more than 9 billion chickens at

Lafayette, LA- Despite a weekend training course and several weeks of real world experience in the use of hand puppets and key jingling, JCPenney photographer JoAnne Milton was unable to stop 3-month-old Jessica Ayer's crying long enough to take a family portrait earlier today. Jessica Ayers, shown here just prior to becoming a vessel for the Dark Lord Satan "I just don't know what happened in there," Ms. Milton explained to a select panel of government officials and represen