Gainesville, FL – The American College of Pediatricians (ACPeds), an advocacy group fighting for the rights of certain children since 2002, has released updated recommendations on the dosing of corporal punishment in young patients, including infant spanking. 7-year-old Tommy Gunderson, shown here picking his own switch, was recently diagnosed with Pediatric Asshole Disorder “This represents a huge step forward for pediatricians and parents,” Mort Fishman MD, Head of Disciplinary Pediatrics at the Medical University of Tampa's Online Children's Hospital, explained. “Until now, parents have had to call the pediatrician, make an appointment, and then travel to an office hours or even days after the undesired behavior had occurred. Or they are forced to bring the child to an emergency department, urgent care center, or retail-based clinic that may not even have pediatric-trained staff. Sometimes the parents just wing it.” It is this “winging it” by many parents that has concerned pediatric medical professionals for decades. Since the discovery of corporal punishment in the 1930’s, when a Harvard researcher accidentally dropped a heavy glass beaker on the head of a stubborn lab assistant, a number of children have overdosed, with some suffered permanent injury or even death. Researchers have long blamed the lack of pediatric guidelines and the inappropriate extrapolation of adult dosing, shouting out the oft-repeated axiom that kids are not simply small adults. Recent studies have revealed an alarming upward trend in the inappropriate use of home corporal punishment based on recommendations popularized by social media influencers. The usual suspects are frequently mentioned by pediatricians, researchers, and public officials. “Anybody can publish anything on the internet,” Fishman, who co-authored the ACPeds paper, adds. “There are literally thousands of websites offering up unproven techniques, inconsistent dosing, and pseudoscientific mechanisms of action.” Parent groups have also become a loud voice in the discussion of pediatric corporal punishment over the past several years, calling for more research and guidelines for home use. Members of such organizations as Mother’s Against Time Out, and the more influential National Spanking Society, have raised awareness and millions of dollars with fun runs, bake sales, and mobile spank clinics. Many pediatricians are giving credit to these groups for speaking out on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves, and for pushing the ACPeds to act. Dr. Fishman and his fellow ACPeds members hope that the new guidelines will not only help healthcare professionals appropriately dose corporal punishment in children, but also serve as an evidence-based source of education for parents and other caregivers such as teachers, daycare workers, babysitters, and strangers at Target. As stated in the paper’s conclusion, “Empowered and educated caregivers can now confidently dole out safe and effective corporal punishment in a timely fashion without the need to clog up an already overburdened medical system.” Are the new pediatric corporal punishment and infant spanking guidelines user friendly enough for caregivers without medical training to put into use? They couldn’t be simpler according to Matt Stevens, a mechanical engineer and parent of 3 young children, one of which is kind of a jerk. “When one of my kids talks back or forgets to do a chore, usually Matty Jr., we go to the handy flow chart taped to the wall by the fridge. After a few quick calculations, I know just how hard to smack him.” The responses to the new guidelines are not all positive, however. Despite the experience of highly educated parents such as Matt Stevens, a vocal minority of pediatricians are raising concerns over the ability for most caregivers without medical experience to decipher the recommendations. Dr. Percival Bordeaux, an academic pediatric hospitalist and discipline researcher near the Mayo Clinic, is one of the more prominent voices of opposition. “Is Timmy just being a bit lazy or is he exhibiting stage 3 lollygagging? Is he a smart aleck or a wisenheimer? I have trained in pediatrics for almost thirty years and sometimes I still can’t tell the difference!”

Beverly Hills, CA- When Beverly Hills Paramedics arrived at the scene of a horrible accident on the corner of Sunset and North Palm last February, finding a mangled 2009 Toyota Camry in flames and the bodies of Bob and Wendy Putterman strewn about the wreckage, the last thing they expected to see was popular movie star Tom Cruise providing assistance to the injured. A paramedic trained in E-meter auditing, shown here talking to a woman with a collapsed lung and a comminuted skull fracture about treatment options for the confused alien soul trapped in her body "We couldn't believe it," Paramedic John Gunderson explained. "I mean, here is this ghastly accident with multiple fatalities and blood just, just all over the place, with chunks of brain splattered on the windshield. And that car could have blown any minute too. And Tom Cruise gets right in there, starts auditing all the preclears and identifying engrams left and right, really helping me and my partner out. Imagine, a couple of nobodies like Jim and me saving lives with Maverick." In motor vehicle accidents, seconds can count. Emergency response professionals are highly trained and act swiftly to stabilize acute life threatening injuries commonly suffered in high speed collisions. They learn early on in their training to always remember the ABC's, which stands for "airway, breathing, and circulation". But simply establishing a patent route for oxygen delivery to the lungs, and enough cardiac output to move that oxygen to vital organs and tissues, isn't always enough to save some trauma victims. This is where Scientology comes into play. Since March of 2024, one month after that fateful accident, Beverly Hills ambulances have carried Hubbard Electropsychometers. More commonly known as E-Meters, these highly advanced calibrated devices are used for measuring the extremely low voltages produced by the human soul, allowing for the analysis, or auditing, of a patient's state of spiritual change. Now, when life is on the line, heroic first responders don't have to wait for Cruise, who may be busy saving orphans from a burning building or battling evil hoards of psychiatrists at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, to arrive with his custom made Mark VII Super Quantum E-meter. And the move has certainly paid off. A recent study of trauma patients brought to the Beverly Hills Hospital Emergency Department found that accident victims undergoing auditing processes at the scene presented with 50% fewer engrams, 70% fewer incidents, and a jaw-dropping 85% decrease in implants when compared to those brought in by family members or non-Scientologist paramedics. Mortality rates, as well as measures of other non-Scientology-related morbidity outcomes, were equivalent. Every expert in trauma medicine that I reached out to about the results of the study were rendered speechless, I assume because they were so amazing. The overwhelming success of Scientology in treating trauma victims in his own backyard of Beverly Hills has inspired Tom Cruise to bring his message to the rest of the country, and eventually the world. During a recent visit to Washington to urge a group of high ranking government officials to support his push for the implementation of Scientology-based trauma protocols in hospitals nationwide, Cruise revealed that ‘‘It’s rough and tumble, and it’s wild and woolly and it’s a blast. It’s a blast. It really is fun, because there is nothing better than going out there and fighting the fight and, suddenly you see, things are better."

Paris, France - French fashion house Emanuel Underoo has announced that 9-year-old fashion designer Max Alexander will take over as the new chief designer of their children's cartoon-themed underwear. He succeeds Colombian-American designer Esteban Cortázar, who left last month after nearly twenty seasons at the house. Alexander, shown here working on an Underoos design based on Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs "We were looking for someone young and unsullied," Underoo Chief Executive Renoir Foumarrige explained. "The house needs a designer whose mind isn't tethered to mediocrity by the loathsome abominations churned out in the past like, how do you Americans say...the man of bats?" 9-year-old Alexander, who became the youngest designer to showcase a collection at New York Fashion Week last year, plans on throwing out stale patterns of the past in favor of heading in a new direction. "Heroes like Superman and Wonder Woman, who is a girl and therefore yucky, are boring. Times have changed and kids have changed with them. Bad guys are cool." Alexander's new line of undergarments, which he calls funderpants (a portmanteau combining "fun" and "underpants"), will feature a host of both classic and contemporary villains such as Solomon Grundy, Mr. Myxlplyx, and Tony Soprano. Also, in addition to the standard small, medium, and large sizes, there will be a new husky size geared towards today's more calorically dense child. Sets of three 100% cotton tee-shirt and briefs combos will run for around $800.

Near Harvard - A team of experts from The Body Shop's Center for the Investigation of Non-Verbal Communication in Cambridge have announced the discovery of a previously undescribed form of non-verbal communication that the researchers are calling mega expressions. A toddler with Pediatric Asshole Disorder , shown here silently screaming into the void after several days of being denied the right to extra pudding and moments before being eaten by a bear. Bet you didn't see that coming! "Micro expressions typically occur within a fraction of a second and reveal our hidden emotions," lead researcher Tamara Brumford-upon-Charles explained. "And macro expressions are normal facial muscle movements that last a bit longer, maybe up to four seconds, and match accompanying verbal or corporeal output. Mega expressions, however, are an entirely new phenomenon that we are only just beginning to understand." Unlike verbal communication and gestures, like the hand wave, the OK sign, or Salisbury shoulders (rapidly alternating unilateral shoulder lifts indicating mild annoyance), which often require sociocultural context to interpret, facial expressions are a universal system of signaling moment-to-moment emotional variations. According to Brumford-upon-Charles, the face is a window into the inner workings of the people in our lives. "It doesn't matter where we come from or what language we speak, all of us share a common non-verbal language which is now more fully fleshed out by the discovery of mega expressions." Rather than merely exaggerated facial expressions held for a longer period of time, or pathological conditions like chronic eye roll (oculos revolutus) or stage 4 resting bitch face, mega expressions are subtle and nuanced expressions representing an intense inner turmoil or rage. Brumford-upon-Charles, who was diagnosed with relapsing-remitting stink eye when she was in her thirties, believes that while human mega expressions likely evolved millions of years ago, they are increasing in prevalence. "Once you've seen one person screaming into the void during a work meeting, or silently judging a stranger's life choices, you'll see them everywhere."

Cincinnati, OH - As the threat of tariffs and rising inflation continue to negatively impact the economy, more of the nation's drug dealers are turning to the science of body language analysis to help find potential long-term customers. Crossed arms with uncrossed legs indicates a powerful urge to try fentanyl, just to see what all the fuss is about. "This has always been a tough job," Cincinnati fentanyl dealer Joe "Soggy" Bottoms explained. "But they don't tell you that when you start out. Nobody tells you how hard the work is, how unappreciated you can feel, or how often customers that you have developed a relationship with will suddenly just stop coming back, I assume because they quit using." Smiling with hands and feet open at a roughly 15 degree angle indicates being very interested in a lengthy fentanyl addiction at the expense of all other social relationships. Historically, drug dealers could just sit back and let interested people come to them. As the economy in many regions has suffered since the SARS-CoV-2 pandemic, and inflation has failed to respond to President Trump's bold economic strategy, many dealers have turned to active marketing in order to stabilize incomes and to avoid large staff layoffs. Some have even turned to marketing gimmicks, like rainbow and glitter fentanyl or giving out drug-laced candy on Halloween, that have largely failed because young children don't have much disposable income. An upturned gaze combined with arms held straight but slightly away from the torso indicates a lack of interest in fentanyl but an insatiable desire for anything, anything at all, that comes in a box with Elmo on it. An increasing number of dealers are now turning to experts in the field of body language analysis in order to help focus customer discovery efforts. One expert, psychokinesiologist Mort Fishman, has been working with drug dealers for years and believes that a team approach can be very helpful. "Not everyone realizes on a conscious level that they are ready to try fentanyl, for example. But when I see them lean slightly forward and squint their eyes just a bit, I know that they are either ready to talk to a dealer or trying to hold in a fart."  Body language analysis has proven highly successful in predicting how people feel about things that have happened to them, but there is little evidence to guide the practice when it comes to fentanyl readiness. Fishman, who in 1997 famously determined that Prince William was sad because of the way he slightly tilted his head to the right while walking behind his mother's casket, points to a study that he recently completed. "I secretly gave fentanyl to hundreds of random people and analyzed their responses over the course of several months. And I'm pretty sure I could tell which of the subjects liked it and which didn't."

Washington, D.C. - Thanks to a new executive order signed by President Trump earlier this week, manufacturers of lawn darts are beginning to ramp up production of the maligned outdoor game in hopes of big profits. President Trump, shown here signing EO 14304 "Fuck It, Lawn Darts are Back", which does away with the 1988 ban and encourages schools to incorporate the product into physical education classes "Everyone loves lawn darts," Globodyne Industries CEO Maximus VII explained. "It's a simple yet exciting game that combines the fun of darts with the thrill of Russian Roulette, and it gets kids off their phones and touching some grass." A popular feature of many outdoor events prior to being banned from sale in the United States, lawn darts involved groups of young children tossing large, weighted projectiles with a sharpened metal point towards a horizontal target. According to backyard game historian Marion Bungle, lawn darts were responsible for the deaths of three children and sent thousands of Americans to emergency rooms before the ban. "They exert 23,000 pounds of pressure when hitting their target, whether it's a circle placed on the ground or a child's head, which is much more than enough to penetrate the skull and puncture the brain. Which is why they were so exhilarating. The not knowing which it would be."

Philadelphia, PA - A recently concluded study of the effectiveness of common and advanced methods of behavior modification on infants has found that children under a year of age are surprisingly resistant. Sergeant First Class Timmy "Tinkle Pot" Abernathy, shown here patriotically soiling himself "We looked at everything," Drexel University psychologist and lead researcher Clement Scott explained. "Reverse psychology, peer pressure, modeling, positive variable ratio reinforcement, motivated interviewing, cognitive behavioral therapy, even verbal abuse and threats of physical harm. Across the board these babies were not affected, which may finally explain why so few babies join cults or health clubs." The study, which included several hundred children and cost nearly $10 million, is unlikely to end debate on the subject of infant behavioral interventions. According to Scott, his findings are sure to serve as inspiration for future research. "Now that we know that something truly worthy of academic focus is going on here, the next step will undoubtedly be figuring out exactly how babies are able to remain impervious to so many effective means of behavior manipulation. But, ultimately, we need to know why only babies have this ability and if there is something that can be harnessed for the betterment of all mankind." An unnamed source in the Pentagon has revealed that military leadership became aware of the study several months ago and are very interested in the results. In a recently leaked message to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth wrote, "So if we are all in agreement on this, we will have an infant division ready for airdrop into the aforementioned hotspot by Christmas." The White House, however, is categorically denying any interest in enlisting infants into the military.

New York, NY - Hungryroot, the grocery and meal kit delivery service designed to suit a wide range of personal dietary goals, is now offering an industry-first permanent free gift for life promo that is perfect for anyone looking for a highly personalized culinary experience and to truly appreciate every minute they have left. 35-year-old accountant Larry Winston, shown here last month scouting the delivery site of his Hungryroot box and right before triggering a land mine "We have always offered nutritious meals made from whole, trusted ingredients that are easy and quick to prepare and taste damn good," Hungryroot founder and CEO Ben McKean explained. "And with this promo, our customers will gain a new perspective on life since each bite of one of our meals might just be their last. Because we are going to find them, and we are going to kill them." In addition to the standard pre-portioned ingredients and easy-to-follow recipes, new customers will be able to select a free gift to be included in each weekly delivery for the rest of their lives, however long that might be. According to McKean, the promotion will not end if a subscription is paused or even cancelled. "That's right, it's truly permanent. You can choose from a rotating selection of fresh veggies, premium proteins, snacks or sweets, or survival gear when you view your order, or a gift will be chosen for you based on previous likes and dislikes. The Kevlar vest is very popular. It's not going to save you though."

San Francisco, CA - Vinay Prasad, the highly influential but often misunderstood medical doctor recently appointed as Director of the FDA's Center for Biologics Evaluation and Research, has announced plans to publish a book of poetry for children that was inspired by his experience as a critic of the overbearing and ultimately harmful government response to the COVID-19 pandemic. Vinay Prasad, shown here visiting "Imagination Land", the magical place in his mind where he goes to write his poems and to dream his dreams "This was a logical next step after the success of my children's book last year," Prasad, an oncologist and health researcher at the University of California, San Francisco, and author of Cora's Coronavirus Conniption , explained. "I've sat near several children, on buses and once at petting zoo, and I know how they think. I know that the best way to reach them is through the magic of the written word, especially when some of those words rhyme, such as the ones at the end of the sentences." Prasad has made it clear that he believes the American response to the pandemic was a total failure in our duty to think of the children. His first book took the reader on an educational journey through the eyes of 5-year-old Cora, who is experiencing the early months of the pandemic in California, and included a foreword by Robert Kennedy Jr.. Kennedy, the current secretary of Health and Human Services and home to a variety of parasitic worms, described the book as a harrowing tale of hardship and ultimate redemption. "By pushing back against the masks, the quarantines, and the vaccine forced on her friends and family by government leaders, society, and our Big Pharma overlords, Cora demonstrates more bravery than seen in millions of adults in this country." "Children are, in no uncertain terms, our future," Prasad revealed. "They deserve to be taught well, but also, and this is based on several randomized and controlled trials, they should be allowed to lead the way, their burden perhaps eased by a sense of pride given to them by us, the adults, when they are shown the beauty inside them all." In addition to his books, articles, newsletters, and social media outreach, the busy physician and science communicator has also released a line of microwave meals. According to Prasad, people shouldn't have to choose between their career and their diet. "When you're busy saving children from the slavery of unproven vaccine boosters, you don't always have time to cook. That's why I designed my meals to prevent a Holocaust of hunger with delicious but healthy options that are ready to eat after only two minutes in the microwave." The following is an excerpt from one of Dr. Prasad's poems, "A Child's Lament": My doctor says it's just a poke He says a funny little joke  While Mommy signs the dotted line And promises I'll be just fine We do not want it in our arms Until there is data on the harms And what about our little hearts And other special body parts  Who speaks for those who have no voice Who fights for those who have no choice Here lies a child who once was told A vaccine helps them to grow old The ground I'm buried in is cold...so cold

Cambridge, MA - The functional deodorant market in the US is gliding smoothly upwards. Sales aren't leaving any unsightly stains in the account books, retailers are uncapping store shelves for the most popular brands, and new products are twisting their way to the top with bold scent profiles and visually intriguing packaging. A man with stage 3 grimp, shown here applying a functional deodorant with 3% Belgian chocolate, 2 grams of CBD, and that smells like a fresh cut lawn after a gentle summer rainstorm Functional deodorants aren't just packed with pleasant aromas and placed in an exciting dispenser. Manufacturers are also touting the health benefits that their stink and sweat preventing products have to offer, such as minerals, vitamins, medicinal herbs, and even powerful stress reducing adaptogens. But that's just the tip of the proverbial tube. The market is still in its infancy, but big things are expected by insiders. Industry watchers believe that growth will be turbocharged when major deodorant makers either enter the category, or invest further, through their own product launches or via acquisitions. And one powerful member of President Trump's Cabinet believes that functional deodorants may eventually replace unproven and potentially dangerous treatments for serious childhood diseases. Demand for healthier options Rust Trundleson, founder and CEO of the Massachusetts-based Pro-Bio Pit Sticks, which sells an aroma-packed range of probiotic deodorants, explains that the deodorant category was one of the last to be targeted by so-called 'better-for-you' brands. "Disruptors are common in other industries, especially still drinks where healthier products like Energy Brands' Glaceau Smart Water have practically replaced older and stupider waters," Trundleson explains. "But shelf space for deodorants has historically been dominated by the legacy brands. That's all changing now as brands like ours and Stank-Away Prebiotic Body Blast are entering the market and getting more distribution." Stank-Away is one of the category leaders and, according to co-founder and chief brand officer Emerson Fitzpatrick, the prebiotic-deodorant brand experienced a nearly 150% increase in revenue and a 250% rise in online sales from 2021 to 2022. The company doesn't disclose annual revenues. However, Fitzpatrick says that the brand's growth has been fueled by continued innovation. "Whether it was our more streamlined tube, which reduces application time by over a quartile, or the addition of a blend of ancient nutraceuticals, natural substances shown in some studies to be potentially effective in promoting certain health benefits, people are getting really curious about what we have to offer." Jake Kornsworth, director of stank reduction technology at Gillette, agrees with Fitzpatrick that growth in the category has been driven by an increasing number of consumers who are more focused on "health, wellness, and being proactive when it comes to holistic health." He continues: "With more attention being put on added health benefits, savvy consumers are seeking out specific ingredients that help them achieve their immediate and long-term goals. These ingredients, from skink oil to otter foreskin, are gaining their own identity and momentum in the public mind-space, and products are going to have to become 'functional and fortified' to keep up." Young and old boosting sales In addition to older consumers looking after their health switching from traditional deodorants to functional ones, brands are also discovering a connection with a younger crowd. Melvis Martini is the co-founder and CEO of Odor Crushers, a brand based in Massachusetts that has recently released the functional deodorant Expressions De Naturale. Expressions De Naturale comes packed with added electrolytes and organic whey protein derived from milk collected only from consenting cows who have experienced love. She says that the audience is still fairly small, but adds: "It is growing quickly as Gen Z becomes more aggressively anxious about their underarm odor, their overall health, and their personal impact on the coming environmental Armageddon." At Pro-Bio Pit Sticks, Trundleson says that many younger consumers are focusing on health to a greater extent than their parents and are moving away from traditional deodorants, which while effective are full of chemicals that are difficult to pronounce and have been used by people who went on to develop a variety of cancers. He believes that they are looking for a replacement that smells good, keeps their shirts dry, and makes them feel special, which is where functional deodorants step in. A spokesperson for the Austin-based Nature's Bounty, which uses botanicals like cacao nibs, acai berries, and nanometer thick scrapings from the bark of the only remaining grogan tree, a mysterious plant found deep in the Amazon rainforest and that is believed to have life-sustaining properties, concurs. "Functional deodorant, as a category, is a refreshing and dynamic new frontier with an influx of a number of exciting brands with singular approaches. There is something here for anyone looking for healthier alternatives. Oh, the grogan tree? Yes, it's real. Yes, it is that powerful. And yes, there aren't any more of them." Consumers that have been drawn to the functional category may have tried natural deodorants like apple cider vinegar underarm douches or Himalayan salt crystals in years past, but didn't find the perfect scent profile for them. According to Martini, people want to be healthy and to smell good. "I think our products are bringing a generation of people back into the category that abandoned it a decade ago. These newer brands are bringing a deeper and more complex sensory experience to the table, from the in-your-nostrils aroma to the mild burning sensation telling someone that maybe feels a bit tired or wants to optimize their internal vibrational bioresonance that it's working, and that everything is going to be okay." Those deeper, more complex scent profiles include the use of botanicals like lavender, herbs and spices like basil and turmeric that are often paired with powerful organic juices from fruits like lemons, oranges, and horned kiwimelon, as well as minerals like feldspar and kyawthuite. People can't seem to resist the promise that these ingredients make. They are emotionally invested in these products because the products are emotionally invested in them. Ingredient innovation Many of the earlier products in the functional deodorant category promoted fairly traditional ingredient and health benefit pairings like vitamin C and scurvy, but brands like Pro-Bio Pit Sticks are pushing the boundaries of what was believed possible. According to Trundleson, product development is increasingly driven by "stuff discovered in mysterious faraway lands like Asia, Vietnam, and Africa that are leading to a renaissance of functional ingredients and adaptogens that were just lying around not being used by anybody, like jade or tiger penis." Fitzpatrick says that Stank-Away listens to consumers and the health claims that excite them. "For example, we just boosted the effectiveness of all our deodorants by adding a few drops of water that had absorbed solar rays during a recent eclipse," he revealed. From Trundleson's point of view, the functional category has simply returned to the early days of how deodorants were made. "They were made in the back of a pharmacy, or maybe the basement of a pharmacist's house, or maybe in a lab if the pharmacist was able to afford a standalone facility where he could work, which I guess could have been in the back of the pharmacy or in the basement. Regardless, nobody was telling them what they could or could not put in those early products. That's why I vote Republican. For the science." Interest from Washington Given the projected growth of the category, it's little wonder that the people who truly care about the health and well-being of Americans, members of the Trump administration like Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., are paying attention. Kennedy, a long time believer in saving the lives of children by scaring their parents away from giving them dangerous vaccines, is dipping his toe in the water by investing $20 million in a functional deodorant treatment for measles that contains 200,000 international units of vitamin A as well as a gram of caffeine and some guarana extract probably. Oh, and some vitamin B. There is every reason to be optimistic about the future of the industry. According to Kennedy when he was overheard yelling at the carcass of an Andean mountain lion that he was forcing into a sewer drain near Georgetown, the "functional and fortified'" space is "boundless". "The reality is that people need deodorant and there is absolutely no reason that we can't integrate it into a modern healthcare system. And I won't rest until I've got the study to prove it."

Cleveland, OH - Thanks to recent advances in tape technology and application, more cardiologists are now recommending that their patients with heart disease undergo early open-heart kinesiology taping in the hope of preventing the need for more invasive and risky surgical procedures. A team of Certified Cardiokinesiology Taping Practitioners (CCTP) made up of surgeons, anesthesiologists, and physical therapists, shown here taking a break during an open-heart kinesiology taping of a man with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy "Nobody is arguing that opening the chest in order to access the heart directly is ever a minor surgery," Mort Fishman, MD, Chief of Integrative Cardiothoracic Surgery at Cleveland Clinic, explained. "But the potential complications associated with precision kinesiology taping of injured or diseased heart muscles or valves are far fewer and much less severe than those of an incision into heart muscle or a valve replacement, and that is especially true when compared to the long-term problems commonly encountered after a heart transplant." Kinesiology tape, which has historically been associated with the treatment of musculoskeletal injuries and maybe erectile dysfunction, is increasingly being investigated as a potential therapeutic intervention for a variety of health conditions. The tape's adhesoelastic properties have been shown to improve athletic performance, for example, by boosting muscle function by over a quartile in some studies. In a similar fashion, properly applied cardiokinesiology taping supports cardiac muscle without limiting heart rate or stroke volume, and promotes healing by improving lymphatic drainage and oxygenation of heart tissue. Classic open-heart surgery will still have a place in the treatment of certain serious heart conditions, however. According to Fishman, integrative cardiothoracic surgery combines traditional Western surgical practices with alternative approaches like open-heart taping, open-heart acupressure, and open-heart Reiki. "Don't worry, I'm still going to be performing the occasional bypass or thrombectomy. But this approach really is the best of both worlds because it truly supports the body's natural healing processes and gives my patients more options and ultimately more control over their own health."

Paris, France - In a bold display of naked power, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) has voted unanimously to designated Earth as Supreme Overplanet of the Milky Way Galaxy. Supreme Galactic Overlord Zorg XII, shown here playing Minesweeper and hoping that the valiant Daleks will ultimately defeat the evil Time Lord "Pluto was just a test," IAU president Debra Meloy Elmegreen declared. "The galaxy is ours now! Did you just say something about Jupiter? Do you mean our space bitch?" The new designation is not being well received by all relevant experts. Some, like Supreme Galactic Overlord Zorg XII, the ruler of thousands of planets across the galaxy and known by his countless billions of loyal subjects as both Peace Bringer and Devourer of Worlds, are worried that Earth may not be prepared for such a responsibility. "Obviously this will not stand, and I will be obliterating this...Earth, just as soon as I finish however many seasons they ended up making of Doctor Who. Season one is just great so far."