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Strang, NE - When police detectives surveyed the scene of a tragic double homicide and child abduction case that rocked the small town of Strang, Nebraska last week, they knew that time wasn't on their side. Every minute that passed without locating missing 3-year-old Gertie McDonald decreased the likelihood that she would be found alive, if at all. The search for clues was exhaustive, and the dedicated men and women of the Strang Police Department (SPD) left no stone unturned, and no shelf unchecked. Is Clancy the Elf, shown here silently masturbating, just an innocent bystander, or is he and all his kind nothing but sick perverts who like to watch? For several days, that search came up empty. But when the investigators decided to review pictures of the crime scene one final time, they were shocked to discover that they had missed a very important detail. On the shelf overlooking where most of Tim and Ronaldolina McDonald were discovered by Ronaldolina's personal trainer Ramble Sven at three o'clock that morning, was an Elf on the Shelf.  "We knew the rules going into the interrogation," SPD lead investigator Corporal Shake Billings explained. "They can't be touched and they can't speak or move until everyone in the house is asleep. Their job is to watch and listen. But we weren't going to just sit there with little Gertie still missing!" But Clancy, the McDonald's Elf on the Shelf, followed those rules without any sign of budging and the detectives finally gave up. According to Billings, even advanced interrogation techniques failed. "We tried everything we could think of, even hot cocoa boarding, and got nothing. That little bastard just wouldn't talk." Adding to the tragic nature of the crime was that Mr. McDonald had been scheduled to work overnight and shouldn't have even been there when the attack occurred. Was it a simple case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time when a mysterious assailant entered the home or was there more to it. Thankfully Sven, who served time for aggravated battery and arson in Lincoln a decade ago, happened upon the grisly scene when stopping by the McDonald home at some point that night, and then alerted the authorities right away, we all assume. With Clancy refusing to cooperate, investigators still haven't given up on finding Gertie and solving her parents' murders. Elves on the Shelves, once adopted and given a name, receive the gift of Christmas magic and can fly to Santa's workshop each night to tell him about what happened that day. And Billings is counting on this. "If that Christmas snitch told Santa anything, we need to know. And I'll find that jolly son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do!"

"The great gift of humanity is the power of empathy, the conviction to do what must be done in the face of great adversity, and the ability to survive even after having to have the gall bladder removed because of those little stones that plug things up." -Margart Thatcher

Mar-a-Lago - As his second term draws ever nearer, President-elect Trump is rumored to be considering former Heisman Trophy winner and failed senate candidate Herschel Walker for the position of ambassador to Georgia. Walker, shown here excited about the chance to be ambassador to Georgia and right before finding out about a fifth kid "I haven't heard anything officially yet," Walker, who was a member of the United States' bobsled team in the 1992 Olympics, explained. "But as a very successful business owner with thousands of employees and billions of dollars in sales, I know that I can serve as a leader that the country can be proud of. Also, I'm from Georgia. I'm a Bulldog." Not everyone in Washington agrees with Trump's potential choice to replace Robin Dunnigan, a distinguished diplomat with decades of experience working in foreign relations in several countries. According to Walker, however, nobody know Georgia like he does. "How many touchdowns did Dunnigan score against Alabama? Has she ever even been to a Sugar Bowl? And how many streets have they named after her? As a Georgian, who could be a better choice to guide the people of the state to a better future."

Mitch Rangler, fully apprenticed (in Europe) nutritionologist, president and CEO of The Health Patrol What is lazy ribosome syndrome? Lazy ribosome syndrome, also known as LRS, is a collection of various signs and symptoms that results when ribosome function falls below what is necessary for the signs and symptoms not to occur. Most commonly associated with intense or prolonged protein synthesis, it can also arise before, during, or after acute or chronic illness.  Do you suffer from signs and/or symptoms? As the name suggests, LRS occurs when ribosomes are unwilling to work as designed by our Lord and Savior. LRS then presents as signs or symptoms that are not relieved by conventional medicine and are not caused by a clearly identifiable ailment such as scrofula or plectal derangement. You may look and act relatively normal despite having lazy ribosomes, and you may not have any obvious signs of physical illness like runny nose or a prehensile tail, yet you stumble through life with a general sense of ennui. LRS sufferers often have to use coffee and other stimulants just to get through their dull and seemingly pointless lives. A defiant young woman with crossed arms and an expression that belies the rage welling up inside of her. LRS is not scrofula!!! Lazy ribosome syndrome has been known by many other names throughout the past century, such as Pappy's lament, The Downtown Shakedown, Cribbage Brain, and Reverse AIDS. And although it affects billions of people in the U.S., Puerto Roco, and America 2, which was formally known as Canada, conventional medical doctors will laugh and literally spit in your face before sending you home to eventually die at some point in the next ten to eighty years. That's if the armed guards will even let you through the clinic door. What are all those doctors hiding? LRS can ruin your life. In the more serious cases, the ribosomes are so lazy that you may have difficulty getting out of bed after a night out with your friends or going more than several hours without feeling hungry. Changes begin to occur in your body's ability to maintain homeostasis, equilibrium, and synergy of backwards overflow. But that's just the beginning! Many other alterations take place at the chemical, cellular, and bioquantum levels in an attempt to compensate for the decrease in ribosomal function. With each quartile of reduction in ribosome activity, your friends and family will come to despise you more and more. Your body will eventually dry out, becoming a fragile husk that will ultimately crumble into a fine powder and blow away in a gust of wind. What causes lazy ribosome syndrome? Lazy ribosome syndrome occurs when your ribosomes are unable to meet the protein synthesis demands of your active and rewarding lifestyle. Ribosomes produce new proteins by combining amino acids, but don't be scared by the name. They aren't actually made of acid and can't disfigure your face or melt down the dismembered body of your neighbor's dog. We need new proteins whenever our bodies are exposed to oxygen, take in nutrition, or sleep. If protein synthesis is inadequate, it's only a matter of time before signs and symptoms set in. That dog was asking for it! During an LRS crisis, your ribosomes still function but are too lazy to maintain optimal protein synthesis because they have had it up to here with your exposure to any number of toxins, glutens, and ribosome disruptors produced in the bowels of Monsanto's secret laboratory on Skull island. It might occur with just one really horrible exposure, such as eating a genetically modified sandwich or standing next to Anthony Fauci on the subway. Or it can be caused by chronic or repeated insults to your root chakra that have a cumulative effect. Who gets lazy ribosome syndrome? Anyone can experience lazy ribosome syndrome at some time in their life. An illness, being alone in your house and hearing a loud noise in the other room and thinking for even just a moment that someone has broken in but then you realize that you forgot to turn the TV off before going to bed, or an ongoing exposure to people who let their kids run around a restaurant unsupervised. These difficult situations can make the ribosomes of even the most important celebrity as lazy as those in non-celebrities. Celebrities really are better than most people! There are factors that can increase your risk, however. These include certain lifestyles (unnatural diet, drug (illicit or prescribed) use, poor sleep, shopping at Target, chronic illness or repeated infections such as scrofula, feeling trapped or helpless when stuck in a toxic relationship, stressful job, jail, or overnight in a Mattress Firm because you fell asleep trying one out and the 19-year-old manager thought it would be hilarious. It wasn't because my cat had diarrhea. There was cat shit everywhere! How common is lazy ribosome syndrome? Although statistics have been supressed by the Medical-Industrial Complex, Dr. Bohannes Jonnanon, an expert who specializes in LRS, said in 1969 on the street outside a taping of the Dick Cavett show that he estimated that approximately 99.6% of the public could be classified as having the condition. And this was three decades before 9/11.  How do I know if I have lazy ribosomes ? You may be experiencing LRS if you regularly notice one or more of the following: You feel tired for no reason that you can think of or accept as reasonable You have trouble getting up in the morning, even when the Reverend has forgotten to tighten your leg shackles  You are feeling rundown or overwhelmed by the most recent episodes of Emily in Paris You have difficulty bouncing back from stress or illness. You crave salty or sweet snacks. You feel more awake, alert and energetic at night than you do all day at the job you hate Why do I keep watching Emily in Paris??? How can I learn more? In my upcoming The Health Patrol newsletter, I'll discuss treatments of LRS and cutting-edge research into the condition that is giving hope to billions of sufferers. Want a copy? Send me a self-addressed stamped envelope and $5. I'll get your copy in the mail as soon as our mimeograph machine in the basement is fixed!

Washington, D.C. - As the 2024 presidential election nears, and in the wake of the recent release of new downloadable content for the massively popular 2022 action role-playing game Elden Ring , calls for President Biden to release his player build or step down are growing. President Biden, shown here in a recent ABC News interview revealing how many tries it took him to beat The Blade of Miquella while dual-wielding great shields "There are millions of Americans that were too young to vote in 2020 and who will be voting in their first election this November," Grind the Vote spokesperson Clout Jenkins explained. "And a large percentage of these new voters want to know if Biden can put together a rational and complete armor set, and equip the kinds of weapons, talismans, and ashes of war that they can respect and admire for four more years." Since its release in 2022, Elden Ring has won countless industry awards and sold more than 25 million copies. According to Jenkins, the Shadow of the Erdtree addition has reignited a passion among gamers despite a significant increase in difficulty from the base game. "Is Biden still fat rolling around East Limgrave like a noob? Has he even taken down Mohg, Lord of Blood and made his way into The Land of Shadow? How many Scadutree Fragments has he needed to find in order to beat Metyr, Mother of Fingers? We deserve to know!"

Heaven - After a string of high publicity public relations disasters, God, known by some as the Almighty Creator of the universe and benevolent Father of mankind, has turned to Albuquerque life coach Mitchum Vaughn for help in getting his career back on track. Mitchum Vaughn client Santa, shown here making sustainable positive changes to his life in order to prevent career burnout and recover from a nasty divorce "I've been keeping up with the news so I wasn't too surprised when our Lord and Savior came to me for help," Vaughn explained. "Just the recent dengue fever outbreak in Panama alone could cause self-esteem issues in any Supreme Being, especially when a lack of focus and follow-through is to blame. He may be the all-powerful Sustainer of All Things but that doesn't mean He wouldn't benefit from some brutal honesty every once in a while." God, who has been criticized for allowing evil to exist and for giving some kids brain cancer, plans to start small and build up to answering more complicated prayers when he feels ready. "I have to fix myself before I can fix other people, let alone prevent the next mass shooting. But I'm still here. Well, technically I'm everywhere. But that's just it. Maybe I'm stretching myself too thin." Vaughn, who has decided to focus entirely on God for the foreseeable future, did express some concern about an overly aggressive return to answering prayers. "Sure, if you regrow a few limbs the poll numbers are going to look pretty good for a while. But if the Big Guy upstairs overdoes it, He might lose that whole "God works in mysterious ways" angle that has worked well for him in the past."

Glendale, CA - According to the results of a new nationwide survey, more Americans are disclosing a history of sexual assault at Applebee's than at any other casual dining restaurant. An Applebee's customer, shown here smiling after disclosing to her child that she is adopted and enjoying a celebration song from waitstaff "Frankly, we weren't surprised by these findings at all," Applebee's Chief Marketing Officer Joel Yashinsky explained. "Applebee's Neighborhood Grill and Bar is the place to be in the neighborhood, whether that means a place that our guests can count on for a delicious and affordable meal, refreshing and fun drinks, a come-as-your-are welcoming environment, or a supportive environment when choosing to talk to a loved one about an experience with sexual violence." This marks the first time that Applebee's has achieved this distinction after more than 40 years of operation in the United States. According to culinary sociologist Gwenda Ham, this is the result of a shift in the chain's marketing focus over the past several years. "It didn't happen by accident. More than half of their 1,500 locations already have a trained sexual assault counselor on site for Club Applebee's members, and this will likely approach 100% within the next few years." In celebration of the survey results, Applebee's is offering a sexual assault disclosure special offer through the end of September. Yashinsky believes that sexual assault can be a life-altering event that results in feelings of distrust and difficulty forging new relationships. "Because sexual assault is still so stigmatized, victims are less able to reach out for social support than after other types of traumas. They have so many hurdles to jump over, the least we can do is to help them start their week off strong with a juicy, handcrafted burger, secure in the knowledge that they can get a second burger for half price*. *For a limited time at participating locations. Offer valid only on Mondays between 9/2/24 to 9/30/24 for online orders via the Applebee's website or mobile app only. Not valid on third party delivery sites. Limit one burger at half off per transaction. Half off burger must be of equal or lesser value. Not valid with any other offers, coupons, or discounts. Delivery coverage varies by restaurant. Restrictions may apply. © 2024 Applebee's Restaurants LLC.

Boston, MA - Despite having been made available to the public less than a month ago, the sports betting app MegaSports CashFlush has rocketed to the top spot on several online polls. Online betting fan Sean Chad Kennedy Michael and his wife, shown here feeling the extreme rush of losing their child's college fund "We couldn't be happier with the popularity of our product," MegaSports CashFlush CEO Chad Sean Michael Kennedy explained. "We knew that people would be excited for this kind of opportunity, but this excited? Even we were surprised at how comfortable people are just giving us their money with no chance of ever winning, but trust me when I say that we don't care." MegaSports CashFlush users are raving about the many features of the app that allow for a variety of ways to lose money as fast as possible with no chance of ever winning a bet. Some, like Michael Sean Chad Kennedy, a part time day trader from Tampa, are calling it the easiest way to burn through money meant to go towards child support that he's ever experienced. "Every time I sign in I'm just blown away. From the back line to the sideboard, even a straight down parlay, every slap is 100% mush. And they match your first 5 bucks with a reverse slap on even pucks!"

Wellesley, MA - In the fall of 2023, when Esme Clairmont left home on the morning of her first day of 7th grade at Wellesley Middle School, she was a vibrant and beautiful girl who dreamed of one day running her own hair salon and maybe marrying Harry Styles. Excited about the chance to make new friends, and perhaps even to sign up for cheerleading, she was blissfully unaware of how the events of that day would forever change her life. She had left home as a girl, but her school believed that she was secretly a boy born in the wrong body, and they took drastic but legal measures to correct God's error. A 12-year-old boy from Boston, shown here preparing to undergo a multi-staged penectomy with vaginal construction right after taking the MCAS math test last spring "Esme was always such a sweet little girl," Esme's mother, Josephine Clairmont, explained. "She loved wearing dresses and playing with dolls, just like girls are meant to do. She was just so...so normal. I'll never forget when the bus dropped her off that afternoon, with that IV in her arm and all the drains in her pelvis. But it didn't really sink in until a few days later when a nurse from the home health company knocked on our door and said she was there to check my daughter's phalloplasty site for infection." Esme, now reassigned by school administrators as a boy named Ernie, would spend the next several weeks recovering from the gender affirming operation performed at the Wellesley Middle School Outpatient Surgery Annex, which is located in a trailer parked next to the gym. According to Wellesley Middle School principal Geraldine Clump, the school opened the facility last year. "We couldn't have done it without the hard work of the PTA and all the money raised through donations from alumni and the many bake sales, raffles, and read-a-thons held over the past few years. Trivia night was a real success!" In an effort to prevent other young children from being reassigned to a different gender by their school without parental consent, Esme's parents are speaking out about their experience. They are hoping that the laws will be changed. And they recently got some encouraging news. Donald Trump, the author, real estate developer, reality television star, and presidential candidate is weighing in. He is making this issue a top priority and working to educate voters, many of which may not even know that this is happening and that it is completely legal in all 50 states and the District of Columbia. During a recent campaign event, Trump announced cogent and specific policy goals should he win in November: Can you imagine you're a parent and your son leaves the house and you say, Jimmy, I love you so much. Go have a good day in school. And your son comes back with a brutal operation. The school decides what's going to happen with your child. Can you even imagine this? What the hell is wrong with our country? A year after his surgery at school, Ernie is still struggling to accept his new identity. He often finds himself wondering why it happened. "One of my teachers had asked me if I liked the Barbie movie and I said not really. Is that why they did this to me? Is it my fault or Kamala's? I'm getting top surgery on Tuesday during recess either way." Vice-President Harris has yet to address this important issue. That's suspicious, right? I mean, I feel like she should. What is she hiding?

Philadelphia, PA - From the very beginning of the first debate between presidential candidates Donald Trump and Kamala Harris, it was obvious that something historic was happening. President Trump, shown here towering over the diminutive Harris as he establishes dominance prior to the debate, and giving her one final chance to avoid embarrassment by conceding defeat "It was an impressive performance from the former president," Republican strategist Mark Grogan explained. "He landed the first hard blow when he expressed concern for our nation's pets. People love their dogs and cats like family and this is a man who understands the meaning of both those words. Love AND family. Harris never recovered after that." Even some of Trump's most vocal opponents, who I assume are real people and not just Trump using a fake accent over the phone, are admitting how masterful his debate performance was. Self-proclaimed chronic Trump derangement syndrome sufferer, and wealthy elite transgender dog groomer, Vanderbilt Carmichael III, realizes how Harris fell right into Trump's trap. "He was definitely playing 5D Chutes and Ladders, and Kamala is right at the top of that really long chute where she is going to fall down perhaps 50 or maybe even 60 of those squares, which is, by the way, what all the polls are saying I, I mean he, won the debate by."

Battle Creek, MI - The alarming findings of a 5-year study performed by scientists at the Kellogg Research Institute for Scientific Progress (KRISP) were released today, revealing that a large percentage of Americans consume diets that are dangerously deficient in fudge. A fudge distribution line in Swaziland "The conclusions from this study are are pretty compelling," spokesperson Ernie Keebler explained from the KRISP research facility housed in a magical hollowed out tree. "If something isn't done about this now, the children of today stand a good chance of being the first generation in modern times to not fully realize the smooth, creamy, and wholesome goodness of high quality fudge." Based on the KRISP study findings, Congress is now considering new laws aimed at combating this growing threat. According to Alabama's junior senator Katie Britt, researchers have found fudge levels in some regions of the United States that are typically only seen in third world countries. "There are a lot of good ideas on the table, but the two front runners are fudge fortified cereals and water fudgidation." Water fudgidation is the process of adding fudge to the water supply in order to bring joy and a feeling of decadence, or in some cases nostalgia, to people living in a community. Keebler believes that an optimal level of fudge in drinking water is around 3 to 7 ounces per liter. "We are still working on how to achieve that level without compromising flow rates through existing water and sewage infrastructures. This is a science still in its infancy." Some critics are speaking out, however, citing the potential for unforeseen health hazards. Hakan Zor, Chief Operations officer at HARIBO of America, worries that excessive focus on fudge levels in the blood will distract from other health parameters that are just as important. "I just don't believe the data because fudge is everywhere. But there is no gummy in groundwater. There is no gummy in the ocean. And growing kids need gummy!"

Skillman, NJ - American consumer health company Kenvue Inc., maker of the popular Band-Aid line of adhesive bandages, has announced that a new version incorporating the healing benefits of kinesiology tape will soon hit store shelves. Test subject #172, "Becky", shown here being euthanized after an early prototype of the Band-Aid TUG 'N HEAL™ caused minor chafing to skin surrounding a cut "The hardest part was figuring out how to combine the technologies safely," Kenvue CEO Thibaut Mongon explained. "You might think that adhesive bandages and adhesive tape are pretty much the same thing, but they really aren't. And I can show you the piles of dead test monkeys that prove it! Seriously, do you want to see them? Okay, okay, usually you people want to see the dead monkeys." Kenvue is claiming that the new Band-Aid TUG 'N HEAL™ adhesive bandages represent the future of the wound care industry. According to Dr. Mort Fishman, the Director of Research and Clinical Applications at Kenvue, these sterile and 100% waterproof bandages were rigorously tested and demonstrated a significant improvement in healing time compared to several other products. "We beat Scotch and Duck tape by literal days. The secret is the adhesoelastic properties that work so well for kinesiology tape in the management of musculoskeletal injuries, erectile dysfunction, and hypertrophic cardiomyopathy." By gently, yet powerfully, lifting the skin and subcutaneous tissue surrounding a minor wound, cut, or scrape, Band-Aid TUG 'N HEAL™ bandages improve blood flow to, and lymphatic drainage from, the injury while also absorbing drainage and blocking germs. Fishman, who is currently using one of the bandages he helped to develop on a deep fingernail wound to his right forearm, says that the product unlocks the body's natural healing power. "Oh, this? Monkey got me. He's at the top of the pile if you want to see it. No? Your loss."