Battle Creek, MI - The alarming findings of a 5-year study performed by scientists at the Kellogg Research Institute for Scientific Progress (KRISP) were released today, revealing that a large percentage of Americans consume diets that are dangerously deficient in fudge.

"The conclusions from this study are are pretty compelling," spokesperson Ernie Keebler explained from the KRISP research facility housed in a magical hollowed out tree. "If something isn't done about this now, the children of today stand a good chance of being the first generation in modern times to not fully realize the smooth, creamy, and wholesome goodness of high quality fudge."
Based on the KRISP study findings, Congress is now considering new laws aimed at combating this growing threat. According to Alabama's junior senator Katie Britt, researchers have found fudge levels in some regions of the United States that are typically only seen in third world countries. "There are a lot of good ideas on the table, but the two front runners are fudge fortified cereals and water fudgidation."
Water fudgidation is the process of adding fudge to the water supply in order to bring joy and a feeling of decadence, or in some cases nostalgia, to people living in a community. Keebler believes that an optimal level of fudge in drinking water is around 3 to 7 ounces per liter. "We are still working on how to achieve that level without compromising flow rates through existing water and sewage infrastructures. This is a science still in its infancy."
Some critics are speaking out, however, citing the potential for unforeseen health hazards. Hakan Zor, Chief Operations officer at HARIBO of America, worries that excessive focus on fudge levels in the blood will distract from other health parameters that are just as important. "I just don't believe the data because fudge is everywhere. But there is no gummy in groundwater. There is no gummy in the ocean. And growing kids need gummy!"
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