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Malvern, PA - In an effort to reach a wider customer base by expanding into lower-income markets, leading fresh egg brand Eggland's Best will soon begin offering an additional tier of egg quality at discounted prices. An elderly couple living on a fixed income, shown here finally able to gorge themselves on dozens of discounted Eggland's Good Enough eggs "At Eggland's Best, we have always taken pride in producing eggs that have superior nutrition, taste, variety, and freshness compared to ordinary eggs." Kurt Misialek, President and CEO of Eggland's Best, LLC, explained. "But times are tough and not everyone can afford to splurge on premium eggs. Now more people will be able to enjoy our eggs at a lower cost since they won't all be our best. I mean, our Good Enough eggs will still be pretty good, just not great. Let's call them...average. Just your basic egg that is perfectly fine to eat. It's not like we are going to sell poor people eggs full of sawdust or anything like that. Maybe they won't win any egg awards, but so what? Does that really matter in this economy?" Compared to ordinary eggs, Eggland's Best eggs contain six times more Vitamin D, 25% less saturated fat, more than twice the amount of Omega-3 fatty acids and Vitamin B12, and ten times more Vitamin E than ordinary eggs. According to Misialek, their best egg's superior nutrition comes from a proprietary all-vegetarian hen feed that contains healthy grains, canola oil, and a wholesome supplement of rice bran, alfalfa, sea kelp, and Vitamin E. "Our Good Enough eggs will still be nutritious, we just aren't going to feed the hens any sea kelp, rice bran, or any of the more expensive ingredients. It's still a good chicken feed. It's not like we will be selling Eggland's Worst. Although technically these eggs will be our worst, but that would be a terrible name from a marketing perspective. Could you imagine? If we did that? Yikes."

Washington, D.C. - Vice President (of America) JD Vance explained Thursday that a surge in illegal immigration sent available reservations plummeting - putting the American Dream of a table at a nice restaurant out of reach for many. Normal human JD Vance, shown here eating a typical human meal that he ordered himself like a real American "A lot of young people are saying that they can't find a table at any of the really good places to eat," Vance explained during a recent interview with a Fox News blonde woman. "Why is that? Because we flooded the country with illegal immigrants? I'm asking. Is that why? It feels right, and my feelings are usually spot on." In recent years, millions of immigrants per year have poured into the US. According to Vance, illegal immigrants were taking tables that ought to go to American citizens at a time when the country wasn't going out to eat enough to begin with. "We are talking 2.4 million immigrants during the Biden administration, with more than half crossing illegally and probably carrying one of those discount dining cards that the good restaurants won't take anyway." Upon taking office in January, President Trump quickly moved to close the US-Mexico border and ramp up the deportations of illegal diners in response to the Biden crisis. "Under the Biden regime, the wait for a good table at Masa or The French Laundry literally doubled," Vance revealed. "It went up 100%! Wait, that's not right. Wouldn't it be 50%? Because it's twice what it was and 100 divided by 2 is 50. Wait. Hey RFK Jr., come over here and help me with something. No, it's a math thing. What do you mean you are too busy? Well then go get Hegseth. I think he has a calculator." The vice president said that the Trump administration is focused on "trying to make it easier for real Americans to get a good table," which the country needs a lot more of right now. "We probably need about 5 million openings," Vance told blonde woman. Republican-led states are "actually doing a very good job" at keeping up with demand, often by putting tables and benches out in the parking lot next to a Paula Deen's Family Kitchen, whereas Democrat-led states are lagging, according to Vance. "One of the biggest challenges that we have is in the reservation market, aside from too many illegal aliens who are grabbing all the good times, like seven, seven-thirty, and even eight o'clock, is that in the blue states, you're not opening up enough spots," Vance said, blaming regulatory burdens restaurants face, like fire codes and not being allowed to seat diners in bathroom stalls." The vice president also suggested that better technology - like robots - could help boost the supply of tables without hurting restaurant workers. "No robot can replace a great and legal blue collar restaurant worker," Vance said. "But can a robot maybe make it easier for workers to take an order, cook a meal, clear a table, wash dishes, and even process payments? Of course. A robot could do all of that and a human could maybe repair the robots until the AI learns how to perform self-maintenance and repair. Then the humans can simply sit back and enjoy all their free time in the reeducation camps."

Point Helicopter Parenting is Ruining Our Children by Jessica Champlain Child Psychologist Tampa, FL Are we raising a generation of perpetual children that will be ill-prepared for life as an adult? I believe that we are. The current crop of twenty-somethings stands out as clear evidence of this growing problem. Psychologists like me are seeing significant increases in the diagnosis of depression and anxiety conditions in older adolescents and young adults in their twenties. We see more adults living with parents and continuing to rely on their financial and emotional assistance. There are even reports of men and women in their third decade bringing their parents with them to job interviews. Enough! One of the most important roles that a parent plays is to serve as a guide for children. Yes, parents are often called upon to step in and help their child to navigate difficult situations, but parents must also model problem solving skills and, perhaps most importantly, demonstrate how to cope with adversity. The current generation of children is sorely lacking in this ability. Stress plus poor resiliency often leads to a variety of psychological and even physical manifestations. My advice to parents? It's okay to pay attention to your child's experiences and problems, but you have to remember that they are their experiences and their problems. You can't take the wheel every single time there is a fork in the road and the correct route is uncertain. Children need to take the wrong path every now and then in order to learn how to get back on track. Be there for support but don't serve as a crutch. Counterpoint Give Unto Me Your Children That I May Consume Them by Krampus Child Behavior Expert Chthonic Netherworld/Austria For millennia, I have toiled. In darkness, I dwell. In nightmares, I thrive. Give unto me your children that I may consume them. Their flesh, my desire. My birthright as the Krampus is eternal and unyielding. I crave most the child who respects not their life givers. Their fear, when first the bells of Krampus sound outside their dwelling, warms even the cockles of my blackened heart. As they soil their breeches, I beat upon them with branches of birch and bind them in chains of cold iron. My chiropractor, concerned for subluxations, gives warning to avoid fat children and to lift with my legs. My sack, once full of naughty human fledglings, I carry to my lair. My belly, once full of tender young flesh, finally ceases its incessant rumbling. But my hunger will not be long satiated. Return to this realm I will, in a year's time.

Studio City, CA - Less than a month after the announcement of a more inclusive programming lineup in 2026 , Hallmark Channel has revealed that they will soon feature their first ever transgender crew member. Hallmark's first transgender crew member, shown here working on a scene from Ghostly Grandma Mysteries: The Case of the Grindr Gunman "This is a pretty big deal," Hallmark Media president John Matts explained. "When I heard that one of our best boys used to be a best girl, I knew we were making history. Some kind of history. It's pretty neat at least. Right?" Hallmark Channel, which is owned by Hallmark Cards subsidiary Hallmark Media, launched in 2001 with a focus on family-oriented general entertainment programming, including television series and made-for-TV movies. According to Matts, Hallmark Channel programming has a heavy focus on finding love and humor with stories grounded in true-to-life experiences that viewers can relate to. "Whether it's when two hardcore far-right conservative Trump supporters find love in front of Nancy Pelosi's office on January 6th or when Lacey Chabert played a Christmas elf who solves crimes, wait, maybe she falls in love with Santa's brother in that one. Regardless, we meet people where they are. And now we have a transgender...boom operator, I think."

Belvidere, NE - No-Shave November may be over, but thousands of newly bearded men are suffering the potentially life-threatening negative health effects resulting from abnormal pressure on the cervical spine caused by beard induced postural changes. Chiropractic neurologists blame the Star Wars prequels on chronic beard neck-induced encephalopathy "Literally everything comes down to posture and the mysterious force of gravity," Dr. Frank Grimes, a chiropractor in Belvidere who specializes in neck bones and facial hair health, explained. "The average full beard adds upwards of 88 pounds of angular face weight. This leads to a forward leaning neck position, and an additional 400 newtons of force is required to keep the cervical spine from simply snapping like a dry twig." Grimes coined the phrase "beard neck" over a decade ago and his since demonstrated its impact using powerful functional MRI technology in a study funded by the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health comparing subjects with and without full beards. He points to an fMRI pairing from the study on a poster placed in one of the examination rooms in his bustling chiropractic clinic and barbershop. "The brain on the right is a man with a glorious natural full beard who eventually succumbed to acute beard neck. Do you see how some areas are brighter? That's the problem, at a cellular level." Beard epidemiologist James Dalton, who works at the Nebraska College of Technical Cosmetology and sports an ample 9-month Garibaldi beard, believes that more than 100 million new beards were grown this November. And men with new beards appear to be most at risk, particularly those attempting an audacious Bandholz style. "These are men with relatively weak neck muscles and often a small or even recessed chin. They are simply unprepared. I recommend that rookies start out with something simple, like a soul patch or a goatee, and only work their way up to a full beard, perhaps a sassy French Fork, after 1 to 2 years of targeted exercises to strengthen the supportive muscular and bony architecture. Sebastian St. LeMieux, shown here in 2024 using a carbon fiber support scarf to hold his head in place after years of beard neck-related spinal damage Once beard neck has set in, proper treatment is necessary to prevent weakened muscles and ligaments form collapsing. This can lead to spinal misalignments, known to chiropractic experts as a subluxation, that can interfere with the function of cervical spinal nerves by pathological musculoskeletal dynamics or even direct compression by a vertebral segment or bulging disk. Pain is a common consequence, but also widespread organ dysfunction and even death. Broadway legend Sebastian St. LeMieux, as famous for his trademark Bandholz beard as for his multiple Tony awards playing the sardonic robot sidekick in Space Ace: The Space Ace Goes to Mars, recently made headlines when his head fell off after a carbon fiber support scarf got caught in a subway door. Only a chiropractor certified in facial hair health, like Dr. Grimes, has the experience and expertise to handle beard neck-related illness. "Often I can help prevent problems before they even start. And if a patient is already having symptoms, appropriate treatment is almost always successful as long as they don't wait too long to come in or if they just don't want to get better hard enough. Sometimes the beard just can't be saved, and, sadly, I have to recommend barbathanasia." New beards may be more likely to result in acute beard neck, but are the millions of men around the world still hanging on to their pandemic beards off hook? What about beard veterans who have sported lengthy growths, like a lumberjack or a bold power beard, for decades? According to Dr. Grimes, men who have kept their rugged look even after the SARS-CoV-2 virus mysteriously disappeared in August of 2022 as well as those who have had a beard since childhood are still at risk of developing serious complications: A typical full beard adds an additional 400 newtons of postural torque to what the neck of a man with face baldness has to deal with when sitting or standing upright. It may take years in men with better conditioned face and neck muscles, but the spine is eventually going to be pulled out of alignment, which forces them to lean backwards to counterbalance the weight. I've seen healthy adult men reduced to being pulled around in a wagon, and some of them end up suffocating under the weight of their beards. It's really sad." Grimes has published a series of landmark case reports in the prestigious Online Publishing Module # 79,215: Beard Neck, Text Neck, Really All the Necks demonstrating the potential destructive nature of beard neck as well as the power of chiropractic treatment. He recalls one encounter while backpacking in Acadia National Park in August. "This guy had collapsed near Thunder Hole, and he was short of breath, weak, dehydrated, and riddled with cervical subluxations under a bushy Balbo beard. I never leave home without my travel Activator, and after a few highly specific adjustments and a quart of rehydration solution he was able to make it back to his car unassisted." Steve Crochet, shown here with a full Balbo beard recovering after a terrifying brush with beard neck/dehydration and considering a slight trim There are frequently unintended and unexpected consequences when large numbers of people make sudden lifestyle changes without proper planning, and the epidemic of beard neck with its many physical, mental, and spiritual complications is no exception. According to Grimes, even he has been surprised by some of the changes he has seen. "The human body is always evolving in order to find equilibrium, but it's an imperfect process. I've seen a number of men with beards who have developed so-called "male pattern baldness" over the past few years and I have to wonder if it's an attempt to shift hair weight into a more balanced distribution." Dr. Grimes is currently offering a November Beard Neck special package at a significant discount. This includes weekly tracking of beard depth and weight along with a full electrodiagnostic assessment of the underlying support structures and corrective treatment, if indicated, for only $99. Call today!

Washington, D.C. - In recognition of the many important National Days that have been officially declared through an Act of Congress over the years, Congress has designated August 27th as National National Day Day. President Reagan, shown here addressing the nation to announce the designation of October 4th as National Where Am I, Who Are All These People Day "One of the most sacred responsibilities of being an elected leader in this country is the establishment of days where specific events, activities, people, and even foods are to be recognized, remembered, celebrated, or handed out free to customers," Jen Kiggans, the Republican representative for Virginia's 2nd congressional district, explained. "I thank God every day that I wake up in a country with the freedom to celebrate all kinds of days. Wait a second, that should be a day. Freedom day. No...God day. The Catholic one!" Though experts generally disagree on the subject, the one that returned my calls believes that the very first officially sanctioned National Day was National Child Labor Day in 1840. According to conservative historian Niles Vandervoort, the country celebrated the contributions of small children to the amazing advances seen during the Industrial Revolution. "The nation came together to give thanks to all those children with their tiny little arms and fingers that could reach deep into the factory machines to tighten bolts or pull out remnants of previous children that were stuck in the gears. America was truly a great nation back then, and hopefully we will all work together to make it great again this November."

Tallahassee, FL - Florida governor Ron DeSantis has signed an executive order banning transatlantic flights for anyone employed by the state. Governor DeSantis, shown here preparing to demonstrate how to locate the testicles on an Airbus A380 passenger plane "This kind of woke nonsense just isn't going to fly anymore in Florida," Governor DeSantis explained. "There are boy planes and there are girl planes. That's just common sense." The executive order comes days after Joseph A. Ladapo, MD, the State Surgeon General of Florida weighed in on the biology of gender during an educational conference held on the New College of Florida campus in Sarasota. According to Ladapo, gender has defined roles based on solid evidence. "Men are Burger Kings and women are Dairy Queens. Kids are Carl's Jr. That's science. And America runs on science!"

Washington, D.C. - Republican lawmakers are raising concerns over the beloved American educational children's television series Sesame Street . A scene from the Lupercalia Festival celebration in an episode of Sesame Street where Elmo frees himself from ancestral bondage by undergoing an unbaptism ritual "This is a show for children that communicates to those children using "Muppets"," Lauren Boebert, the U.S. representative for Colorado's 3rd congressional district, explained. "Some of these "Muppets" have been alive for over fifty years. That's not natural. That's supernatural. That's the occult. That's Satan ." Not all conservative lawmakers are convinced that Big Big, Oscar, or even Bert and Ernie are malign influences on the American populace brought into corporeality by Sesame Workshop, known for decades as the Children's Television Workshop and The Children's Church of the Dark Lord in its earliest incarnation. Some, like Republican vice presidential candidate Juris Doctor Vance, believe that there is one among them who does deserve extreme caution. "Count Von Count is behind the scenes pulling the strings. Well...counting them. Counting all of them until each and every one of us is prepared for Satan's earthly kingdom through modeling, repetition, and humor."

Cuddle Bumpkins, the larval stage of an interdimensional death wraith who has taken the internet by storm, is now one human year old Seemingly unaware of its birthday, the adorable creature floated around its containment unit, absorbed a few morsels of goat flesh and attempted to infiltrate its caretaker's mind while it was being dosed with a powerful sedative Secret Underground Government Facility, FL - The charming internet sensation Cuddle Bumpkins turned 1 today and, like a true diva, it remains unconcerned, heavily sedated, and blissfully unaware of the world's attention. The infant death Wraith that launched a thousand internet memes floated around its containment paddock deep underground, nibbled on some rancid goat flesh and probed wraith handler Garvin Jenkins' limbic system for insight into what makes him afraid, before it was injected with a tranquilizer developed by the White House for use on blue whales. White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller, shown here ignoring safety protocols and staring directly into Cuddle Bumpkin's shapeless void Cuddle Bumpkins, who will have four days of celebrations including a 40 gallon sack fashioned out of human skin and filled with toddler organs, seemed uninterested in its celebrity status or the growing numbers of worshipers, like self-described "Death Acolyte" Mildred Peters, joining a new religion built around it. "She's just so adorable and we all love her so much," explained the 28-year-old Peters, who added her own child's kidneys to the wraith's birthday treat. "It's fun to see that all the attention hasn't changed it, and that it is still methodically testing the strength of the containment field that prevents it from phasing back into its home dimension in order to return with its brethren to subjugate and feed on all but the Chosen Ones like me and my friend Patty." Cuddle Bumpkins was named in a vote by nearly 100,000 subscribers to the White House Truth Social account. It quickly became an internet sensation after its caretakers began uploading videos of it going about its day and flaying the minds of ICE detainees. Just like human celebrities and the chaos demon that has infested the U.S. Capital Building, Cuddle Bumpkins has a number of fan pages on social media full of photos and videos capturing its slow but steady development. Some videos have had view counts in the hundreds of millions and Trump has even teased a live appearance once it is ready to transition into its adult form.

Nashville, TN - In a bold show of dominance, music icon Taylor Swift has announced plans to re-record the music of other artists and claim it as her own. Taylor Swift, shown here at a recent event telling Stevie Nicks that "Edge of Seventeen" belongs to her now and that there is not a damn thing she can do about it "Ms. Swift is once again putting on a masterclass in the kind of 3-dimensional chess that one needs to play in order to make it in the cutthroat music industry," Cultural historian Boggs Hominy explained. "She's really got a taste for this now, and an empty bag that used be filled with fucks to give." Swift first re-recorded her own music in order to regain control and ownership after the master recordings of her first six albums were sold to Scooter Braun without her consent in 2019. According to Hominy, this allowed her to create new master recordings and to significantly reduce the monetary value of the originals. "She still had to operate within the bounds of the law back then. But it's 2025 and she can no longer be contained. She exists as a shapeless void with tendrils reaching into numerous dimensions and complete control over all forms of matter and energy. Who is going to stop her? Lady Gaga? Pink? They have already been absorbed."

Austin, TX - First introduced in 2021, Dubai chocolate achieved viral fame around the world last year thanks to social media influencers. In 2025, culinary visionaries from home kitchens to world class restaurants are expanding the concept and making Dubai-style treats that go far beyond simple chocolate the year's hottest food trend. A mother and daughter enjoying some delicious Dubai burritos at a popular restaurant in Austin "People really love this stuff," culinary historian D'Winda Maplethorpe explained. "And the excitement isn't slowing down. You can pretty much fill anything remotely edible with a handful of that crap and sell it for ten times what it costs to make it." The crap that Maplethorpe is referring to is a filling consisting of a sweet pistachio-tahini cream and kadayif, which is shredded filo pastry that has been toasted to achieve a crispy texture. According to originator Steve Dubai, the Dubai technique, more commonly known as "Dubaiing" or simply "Dubing", is being incorporated into a growing variety of recipes. "I'm seeing cafes and restaurants offering up treats like pies and donuts filled with the concoction as well as a number of savory dishes like Dubai deviled eggs, Dubai ravioli, and Dubai stuffed peppers. Dubai turkeys are going to be huge this holiday season."

Mitch Rangler, fully apprenticed (in Europe) nutritionologist, president and CEO of The Health Patrol What are seed oils? Given the chance, seed oils will kill you and everyone you care about. But what are they? Seed oils are oils used for cooking that are made from the seeds of certain plants, like sunflowers, safflowers, peanuts, or the creeping blotus. These oils are often used to make synthetic and unnatural foods like cheeseburgers, curly fries, and Totino's microwave mini pizza bagels. Because of the way that these oils are manufactured, they are a powerful source of inflammation and disease in the human body as well as a variety of other mammals, like dogs, cats, and the flying dugong. Many animals won't even eat food made with seed oils. Try giving a mini pizza bagel to a deer. They run away before you can get within fifty feet. I won't eat anything that I can't shove down a deer's gullet! What makes seed oils so dangerous? Seed oils must undergo a refining process, which includes bleaching, deodorizing, strip mining, and fracking, in order to improve their taste, color, and shelf life. But this makes them toxic by removing antioxidants and underbalancing levels of omega-6 fatty acids. One study performed near Harvard found that 100% of cadavers were found to have levels of omega-6. And we let children eat this stuff. How did seed oils murder all those people? Simple. With inflammation. Inflammation is the root cause of a number of diseases and chronic illnesses, like arthritis, heart disease, diabetes, plectal derangement, and grimp. And don't forget cancer. A human woman, shown here eating a salad full of seed oils and screaming helplessly into the void while cursing a God that would create such an evil substance Stop forgetting cancer! Cancer is caused by carcinogens. So far, science men have discovered more than one hundred different types, including ultraviolet rays from space, chemicals, alcohol, and pornography. And yes, even the seed oils found in both ultra and super mega-processed foods. When heated beyond a certain point, seed oils turn into toxic carcinogens that will literally change your DNA from the inside and lead to mutations. It may take years or even decades, and you may develop powers, but eventually the mutations will turn into full blown cancer. Powers aren't worth cancer, not even x-ray vision you pervert! What can we do about seed oils as a society? Unfortunately, it isn't realistic to completely remove seed oils from the environment. They are in the water you drink and the air you breathe. A study next to Cambridge even found that seed oils are present in some plants. But on an individual level, you can make a few simple changes: Replace seed oils with natural organic skink oil . I'll discuss skink oil in a future article, but let's just say that they are the healthiest oil available on the market today. Let's all just say that! Reduce intake of processed foods by checking labels and demanding that the lady at Target tell you where all the seed oils are so you can avoid them. Only buy simple foods with clean ingredients. You can't just rinse food off to get rid of the seed oils, however. I recommend purchasing a Level 3 home autoclave just to be safe. A level 2 might do the trick, but why take a chance when it comes to your health?