Elf on the Shelf is Only Witness to Horrific Double Homicide

Strang, NE - When police detectives surveyed the scene of a tragic double homicide and child abduction case that rocked the small town of Strang, Nebraska last week, they knew that time wasn't on their side. Every minute that passed without locating missing 3-year-old Gertie McDonald decreased the likelihood that she would be found alive, if at all. The search for clues was exhaustive, and the dedicated men and women of the Strang Police Department (SPD) left no stone unturned, and no shelf unchecked.

Is Clancy the Elf, shown here silently masturbating, just an innocent bystander, or is he and all his kind nothing but sick perverts who like to watch?

For several days, that search came up empty. But when the investigators decided to review pictures of the crime scene one final time, they were shocked to discover that they had missed a very important detail. On the shelf overlooking where most of Tim and Ronaldolina McDonald were discovered by Ronaldolina's personal trainer Ramble Sven at three o'clock that morning, was an Elf on the Shelf. 

"We knew the rules going into the interrogation," SPD lead investigator Corporal Shake Billings explained. "They can't be touched and they can't speak or move until everyone in the house is asleep. Their job is to watch and listen. But we weren't going to just sit there with little Gertie still missing!"

But Clancy, the McDonald's Elf on the Shelf, followed those rules without any sign of budging and the detectives finally gave up. According to Billings, even advanced interrogation techniques failed. "We tried everything we could think of, even hot cocoa boarding, and got nothing. That little bastard just wouldn't talk."

Adding to the tragic nature of the crime was that Mr. McDonald had been scheduled to work overnight and shouldn't have even been there when the attack occurred. Was it a simple case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time when a mysterious assailant entered the home or was there more to it. Thankfully Sven, who served time for aggravated battery and arson in Lincoln a decade ago, happened upon the grisly scene when stopping by the McDonald home at some point that night, and then alerted the authorities right away, we all assume.

With Clancy refusing to cooperate, investigators still haven't given up on finding Gertie and solving her parents' murders. Elves on the Shelves, once adopted and given a name, receive the gift of Christmas magic and can fly to Santa's workshop each night to tell him about what happened that day. And Billings is counting on this. "If that Christmas snitch told Santa anything, we need to know. And I'll find that jolly son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do!"