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Washington, D.C. - According to a new Bureau of Economic Analysis report, a controversial effort to boost sales by giving free fentanyl to children on Halloween has resulted in yet another huge financial loss for the nation's drug dealers. Actress Sydney Sweeney, shown here talking to a group of middle schoolers about forced sterilization of intellectually impaired women "If someone had told me two weeks ago that hiding fentanyl in Halloween candy for children still wouldn't be a successful marketing strategy, I would have laughed in their stupid face, but here we are...again," Fentanyl Suppliers of America (FSA) Executive VP in charge of Customer Acquisition Drawl Gunderson explained. "As a lifelong gambling addict, I know when someone is due for some good luck. And I am very, very due for some good luck." 2025 marks the third year in a row in which Gunderson's Halloween strategy has failed to provide a meaningful boost in drug sales. The beleaguered industry leader, who also played a key role in greenlighting the failed limited edition holiday fentanyl initiative , is accepting full blame. "I can't help but begin to wonder if the problem is that I lost sight of something really important. Why am I doing this? I mean, why do I work so hard? For the money? For the awards or the corner office with a view? I think at the end of the day, it's about people. This is a people business. I forgot that." The FSA, which manages the supply and marketing of fentanyl as well as several other well-known illegal drugs in the United States, has had more misses than hits in recent years when it comes to product promotion. And with the military now targeting dangerous fishing/fentanyl smuggling boats with tactical nuclear weapons, including gravity bombs, short-range missiles, artillery shells, depth charges, dolphins with bombs strapped to their fins, and torpedoes, investors are starting to worry. According to Gunderson, however, 2026 is going to be a big year. "Don't count us out just yet! I've got a few good ideas left and some big plans for next year." Knudsen's News has obtained a list of potential FSA plans for marketing drugs to American consumers: Something with Sydney Sweeney. People love her. A Superbowl ad where Charli D'Amelio offers some edibles to a group of ICE officers and undocumented farm workers in order to help ease tensions, with both groups erupting into a choreographed dance routine to a song from Dixie D'Amelio's new album. A commercial where a young black boy shares his feelings of grief and abandonment with a local drug dealer who helps him to understand that dropping acid is a way to feel connected to his recently deceased father. New Cocaine (TOP SECRET: then after a few months we switch back to Classic Cocaine!) Roll out a pink Himalayan crystal meth in some markets to appeal to New Age addicts Rebranding with a series of print and online ads where a bunch of attractive models liven up a boring pool party with FUNtanyl-laced Molly. Maybe Sydney Sweeney is there?

Columbus, OH - In a much anticipated follow-up to their 2022 study on the prevalence of haunted colons among Americans, researchers at the Paranormal Research Medical Group (PRMG) are now looking into the potential benefit of exorcism as a science-based treatment option. Study subject 271, shown here haunted by a Class V fecal phantom, experienced his first satisfying bowel movement in 6 months after undergoing sham exorcism by Dr. Sagemiller "As we showed in our previous study, haunted colons are extremely prevalent in the United States," Project Leader Bruce Sagemiller explained. "And these bowel bogies are likely to blame for a variety of intestinal ailments, like irritable bowel syndrome, chronic constipation, painful gas, and maybe even hemorrhoids." Ever since the study was first announced, there has been backlash from the mainstream medical community. According to Sagemiller, skepticism is understandable and even appreciated. "People laughed at Galileo too, and not just because he knows so many dirty limericks about Catholic priests. I'm serious. We contacted him during a seance/planning session last year." "We set out to design a skeptic-proof study," Sagemiller revealed. "That meant proper randomization and blinding. That meant having a true exorcism treatment group and one where subjects underwent a sham exorcism. People are shockingly trusting when you put on one of those priest collars. I mean, we enrolled kids in this study and parents were completely fine with this." Although the results of the study have not been released yet, the haunted colon patient community is optimistic that exorcism will be proven to work and that insurance companies will cover the intervention. Dr. Mort Fishman, a clinical borborygmologist practicing in Savannah, Georgia, says that many of his patients are desperate. "For their sake, I'm hopeful. And if I never have to deal with another innards imp or sphincter specter ever again, well that's just fine by me."

Jacksonville, FL - Fred Farmer and his wife, Aurora Farmer, have split three years after a scandal resulted in his firing from the popular online entertainment group and media production company The Do It Boys. Do It Boy Fred Farmer, shown here caught on camera at a Jacksonville aquarium "I loved being a Do It Boy, and I loved my wife," Farmer explained. "But there was something that I came to love even more that took control of me in a deep and powerful way. I'm here to talk about my new podcast, not what I did that night with those fish." The Do It Boys, now a fully independent company, started out over a decade ago at HypeList with viral videos involving ridiculous activities that often made them look and feel rather silly. According to current Do It Boy Rink Marauder, the group was known for doing a variety of things, such as moving rocks from one side of a street to another, opening window blinds at night, and wearing socks over their shoes. "It's sad seeing one of the original four Do It Boys struggling, and his wife was just a lovely person, but he crossed a line with those fish and he had to go. I wish him well in all his future endeavors."

Washington, D.C. - In an unsigned and brief opinion, the Supreme Court has lifted a federal judge's order pausing President Trump's plan to stick his tongue into an electrical socket located in the White House Executive Residence. Nina Totenberg, shown here explaining to me that the Supreme Court is made up of 9 judges with lifetime appointments, and that they aren't naked under the robes "They aren't ruling on the wisdom of any specific plans to insert his tongue into the socket," NPR legal affairs correspondent Nina Totenberg explained to me patiently over the phone. "But they make it clear that the district judge had inappropriately held Trump back from moving ahead with them. Does that make sense? Because I don't think I can dumb that down any more that than for you." Apparently not every judge on the nation's highest court was on the same page. One in particular named Ketanji Brown Jackson even went so far as to disagree with the majority opinion. According to Totenberg, the term for this is a "dissenting opinion". "Yes, that is what it is called. That's what it has always been called. Supreme Court judges often don't agree with each other."

Gainesville, FL – The American College of Pediatricians (ACPeds), an advocacy group fighting for the rights of certain children since 2002, has released updated recommendations on the dosing of corporal punishment in young patients, including infant spanking. 7-year-old Tommy Gunderson, shown here picking his own switch, was recently diagnosed with Pediatric Asshole Disorder “This represents a huge step forward for pediatricians and parents,” Mort Fishman MD, Head of Disciplinary Pediatrics at the Medical University of Tampa's Online Children's Hospital, explained. “Until now, parents have had to call the pediatrician, make an appointment, and then travel to an office hours or even days after the undesired behavior had occurred. Or they are forced to bring the child to an emergency department, urgent care center, or retail-based clinic that may not even have pediatric-trained staff. Sometimes the parents just wing it.” It is this “winging it” by many parents that has concerned pediatric medical professionals for decades. Since the discovery of corporal punishment in the 1930’s, when a Harvard researcher accidentally dropped a heavy glass beaker on the head of a stubborn lab assistant, a number of children have overdosed, with some suffered permanent injury or even death. Researchers have long blamed the lack of pediatric guidelines and the inappropriate extrapolation of adult dosing, shouting out the oft-repeated axiom that kids are not simply small adults. Recent studies have revealed an alarming upward trend in the inappropriate use of home corporal punishment based on recommendations popularized by social media influencers. The usual suspects are frequently mentioned by pediatricians, researchers, and public officials. “Anybody can publish anything on the internet,” Fishman, who co-authored the ACPeds paper, adds. “There are literally thousands of websites offering up unproven techniques, inconsistent dosing, and pseudoscientific mechanisms of action.” Parent groups have also become a loud voice in the discussion of pediatric corporal punishment over the past several years, calling for more research and guidelines for home use. Members of such organizations as Mother’s Against Time Out, and the more influential National Spanking Society, have raised awareness and millions of dollars with fun runs, bake sales, and mobile spank clinics. Many pediatricians are giving credit to these groups for speaking out on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves, and for pushing the ACPeds to act. Dr. Fishman and his fellow ACPeds members hope that the new guidelines will not only help healthcare professionals appropriately dose corporal punishment in children, but also serve as an evidence-based source of education for parents and other caregivers such as teachers, daycare workers, babysitters, and strangers at Target. As stated in the paper’s conclusion, “Empowered and educated caregivers can now confidently dole out safe and effective corporal punishment in a timely fashion without the need to clog up an already overburdened medical system.” Are the new pediatric corporal punishment and infant spanking guidelines user friendly enough for caregivers without medical training to put into use? They couldn’t be simpler according to Matt Stevens, a mechanical engineer and parent of 3 young children, one of which is kind of a jerk. “When one of my kids talks back or forgets to do a chore, usually Matty Jr., we go to the handy flow chart taped to the wall by the fridge. After a few quick calculations, I know just how hard to smack him.” The responses to the new guidelines are not all positive, however. Despite the experience of highly educated parents such as Matt Stevens, a vocal minority of pediatricians are raising concerns over the ability for most caregivers without medical experience to decipher the recommendations. Dr. Percival Bordeaux, an academic pediatric hospitalist and discipline researcher near the Mayo Clinic, is one of the more prominent voices of opposition. “Is Timmy just being a bit lazy or is he exhibiting stage 3 lollygagging? Is he a smart aleck or a wisenheimer? I have trained in pediatrics for almost thirty years and sometimes I still can’t tell the difference!”

Beverly Hills, CA- When Beverly Hills Paramedics arrived at the scene of a horrible accident on the corner of Sunset and North Palm last February, finding a mangled 2009 Toyota Camry in flames and the bodies of Bob and Wendy Putterman strewn about the wreckage, the last thing they expected to see was popular movie star Tom Cruise providing assistance to the injured. A paramedic trained in E-meter auditing, shown here talking to a woman with a collapsed lung and a comminuted skull fracture about treatment options for the confused alien soul trapped in her body "We couldn't believe it," Paramedic John Gunderson explained. "I mean, here is this ghastly accident with multiple fatalities and blood just, just all over the place, with chunks of brain splattered on the windshield. And that car could have blown any minute too. And Tom Cruise gets right in there, starts auditing all the preclears and identifying engrams left and right, really helping me and my partner out. Imagine, a couple of nobodies like Jim and me saving lives with Maverick." In motor vehicle accidents, seconds can count. Emergency response professionals are highly trained and act swiftly to stabilize acute life threatening injuries commonly suffered in high speed collisions. They learn early on in their training to always remember the ABC's, which stands for "airway, breathing, and circulation". But simply establishing a patent route for oxygen delivery to the lungs, and enough cardiac output to move that oxygen to vital organs and tissues, isn't always enough to save some trauma victims. This is where Scientology comes into play. Since March of 2024, one month after that fateful accident, Beverly Hills ambulances have carried Hubbard Electropsychometers. More commonly known as E-Meters, these highly advanced calibrated devices are used for measuring the extremely low voltages produced by the human soul, allowing for the analysis, or auditing, of a patient's state of spiritual change. Now, when life is on the line, heroic first responders don't have to wait for Cruise, who may be busy saving orphans from a burning building or battling evil hoards of psychiatrists at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, to arrive with his custom made Mark VII Super Quantum E-meter. And the move has certainly paid off. A recent study of trauma patients brought to the Beverly Hills Hospital Emergency Department found that accident victims undergoing auditing processes at the scene presented with 50% fewer engrams, 70% fewer incidents, and a jaw-dropping 85% decrease in implants when compared to those brought in by family members or non-Scientologist paramedics. Mortality rates, as well as measures of other non-Scientology-related morbidity outcomes, were equivalent. Every expert in trauma medicine that I reached out to about the results of the study were rendered speechless, I assume because they were so amazing. The overwhelming success of Scientology in treating trauma victims in his own backyard of Beverly Hills has inspired Tom Cruise to bring his message to the rest of the country, and eventually the world. During a recent visit to Washington to urge a group of high ranking government officials to support his push for the implementation of Scientology-based trauma protocols in hospitals nationwide, Cruise revealed that ‘‘It’s rough and tumble, and it’s wild and woolly and it’s a blast. It’s a blast. It really is fun, because there is nothing better than going out there and fighting the fight and, suddenly you see, things are better."

Paris, France - French fashion house Emanuel Underoo has announced that 9-year-old fashion designer Max Alexander will take over as the new chief designer of their children's cartoon-themed underwear. He succeeds Colombian-American designer Esteban Cortázar, who left last month after nearly twenty seasons at the house. Alexander, shown here working on an Underoos design based on Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs "We were looking for someone young and unsullied," Underoo Chief Executive Renoir Foumarrige explained. "The house needs a designer whose mind isn't tethered to mediocrity by the loathsome abominations churned out in the past like, how do you Americans say...the man of bats?" 9-year-old Alexander, who became the youngest designer to showcase a collection at New York Fashion Week last year, plans on throwing out stale patterns of the past in favor of heading in a new direction. "Heroes like Superman and Wonder Woman, who is a girl and therefore yucky, are boring. Times have changed and kids have changed with them. Bad guys are cool." Alexander's new line of undergarments, which he calls funderpants (a portmanteau combining "fun" and "underpants"), will feature a host of both classic and contemporary villains such as Solomon Grundy, Mr. Myxlplyx, and Tony Soprano. Also, in addition to the standard small, medium, and large sizes, there will be a new husky size geared towards today's more calorically dense child. Sets of three 100% cotton tee-shirt and briefs combos will run for around $800.

Near Harvard - A team of experts from The Body Shop's Center for the Investigation of Non-Verbal Communication in Cambridge have announced the discovery of a previously undescribed form of non-verbal communication that the researchers are calling mega expressions. A toddler with Pediatric Asshole Disorder , shown here silently screaming into the void after several days of being denied the right to extra pudding and moments before being eaten by a bear. Bet you didn't see that coming! "Micro expressions typically occur within a fraction of a second and reveal our hidden emotions," lead researcher Tamara Brumford-upon-Charles explained. "And macro expressions are normal facial muscle movements that last a bit longer, maybe up to four seconds, and match accompanying verbal or corporeal output. Mega expressions, however, are an entirely new phenomenon that we are only just beginning to understand." Unlike verbal communication and gestures, like the hand wave, the OK sign, or Salisbury shoulders (rapidly alternating unilateral shoulder lifts indicating mild annoyance), which often require sociocultural context to interpret, facial expressions are a universal system of signaling moment-to-moment emotional variations. According to Brumford-upon-Charles, the face is a window into the inner workings of the people in our lives. "It doesn't matter where we come from or what language we speak, all of us share a common non-verbal language which is now more fully fleshed out by the discovery of mega expressions." Rather than merely exaggerated facial expressions held for a longer period of time, or pathological conditions like chronic eye roll (oculos revolutus) or stage 4 resting bitch face, mega expressions are subtle and nuanced expressions representing an intense inner turmoil or rage. Brumford-upon-Charles, who was diagnosed with relapsing-remitting stink eye when she was in her thirties, believes that while human mega expressions likely evolved millions of years ago, they are increasing in prevalence. "Once you've seen one person screaming into the void during a work meeting, or silently judging a stranger's life choices, you'll see them everywhere."

Cincinnati, OH - As the threat of tariffs and rising inflation continue to negatively impact the economy, more of the nation's drug dealers are turning to the science of body language analysis to help find potential long-term customers. Crossed arms with uncrossed legs indicates a powerful urge to try fentanyl, just to see what all the fuss is about. "This has always been a tough job," Cincinnati fentanyl dealer Joe "Soggy" Bottoms explained. "But they don't tell you that when you start out. Nobody tells you how hard the work is, how unappreciated you can feel, or how often customers that you have developed a relationship with will suddenly just stop coming back, I assume because they quit using." Smiling with hands and feet open at a roughly 15 degree angle indicates being very interested in a lengthy fentanyl addiction at the expense of all other social relationships. Historically, drug dealers could just sit back and let interested people come to them. As the economy in many regions has suffered since the SARS-CoV-2 pandemic, and inflation has failed to respond to President Trump's bold economic strategy, many dealers have turned to active marketing in order to stabilize incomes and to avoid large staff layoffs. Some have even turned to marketing gimmicks, like rainbow and glitter fentanyl or giving out drug-laced candy on Halloween, that have largely failed because young children don't have much disposable income. An upturned gaze combined with arms held straight but slightly away from the torso indicates a lack of interest in fentanyl but an insatiable desire for anything, anything at all, that comes in a box with Elmo on it. An increasing number of dealers are now turning to experts in the field of body language analysis in order to help focus customer discovery efforts. One expert, psychokinesiologist Mort Fishman, has been working with drug dealers for years and believes that a team approach can be very helpful. "Not everyone realizes on a conscious level that they are ready to try fentanyl, for example. But when I see them lean slightly forward and squint their eyes just a bit, I know that they are either ready to talk to a dealer or trying to hold in a fart."  Body language analysis has proven highly successful in predicting how people feel about things that have happened to them, but there is little evidence to guide the practice when it comes to fentanyl readiness. Fishman, who in 1997 famously determined that Prince William was sad because of the way he slightly tilted his head to the right while walking behind his mother's casket, points to a study that he recently completed. "I secretly gave fentanyl to hundreds of random people and analyzed their responses over the course of several months. And I'm pretty sure I could tell which of the subjects liked it and which didn't."

Washington, D.C. - Thanks to a new executive order signed by President Trump earlier this week, manufacturers of lawn darts are beginning to ramp up production of the maligned outdoor game in hopes of big profits. President Trump, shown here signing EO 14304 "Fuck It, Lawn Darts are Back", which does away with the 1988 ban and encourages schools to incorporate the product into physical education classes "Everyone loves lawn darts," Globodyne Industries CEO Maximus VII explained. "It's a simple yet exciting game that combines the fun of darts with the thrill of Russian Roulette, and it gets kids off their phones and touching some grass." A popular feature of many outdoor events prior to being banned from sale in the United States, lawn darts involved groups of young children tossing large, weighted projectiles with a sharpened metal point towards a horizontal target. According to backyard game historian Marion Bungle, lawn darts were responsible for the deaths of three children and sent thousands of Americans to emergency rooms before the ban. "They exert 23,000 pounds of pressure when hitting their target, whether it's a circle placed on the ground or a child's head, which is much more than enough to penetrate the skull and puncture the brain. Which is why they were so exhilarating. The not knowing which it would be."

Philadelphia, PA - A recently concluded study of the effectiveness of common and advanced methods of behavior modification on infants has found that children under a year of age are surprisingly resistant. Sergeant First Class Timmy "Tinkle Pot" Abernathy, shown here patriotically soiling himself "We looked at everything," Drexel University psychologist and lead researcher Clement Scott explained. "Reverse psychology, peer pressure, modeling, positive variable ratio reinforcement, motivated interviewing, cognitive behavioral therapy, even verbal abuse and threats of physical harm. Across the board these babies were not affected, which may finally explain why so few babies join cults or health clubs." The study, which included several hundred children and cost nearly $10 million, is unlikely to end debate on the subject of infant behavioral interventions. According to Scott, his findings are sure to serve as inspiration for future research. "Now that we know that something truly worthy of academic focus is going on here, the next step will undoubtedly be figuring out exactly how babies are able to remain impervious to so many effective means of behavior manipulation. But, ultimately, we need to know why only babies have this ability and if there is something that can be harnessed for the betterment of all mankind." An unnamed source in the Pentagon has revealed that military leadership became aware of the study several months ago and are very interested in the results. In a recently leaked message to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth wrote, "So if we are all in agreement on this, we will have an infant division ready for airdrop into the aforementioned hotspot by Christmas." The White House, however, is categorically denying any interest in enlisting infants into the military.

New York, NY - Hungryroot, the grocery and meal kit delivery service designed to suit a wide range of personal dietary goals, is now offering an industry-first permanent free gift for life promo that is perfect for anyone looking for a highly personalized culinary experience and to truly appreciate every minute they have left. 35-year-old accountant Larry Winston, shown here last month scouting the delivery site of his Hungryroot box and right before triggering a land mine "We have always offered nutritious meals made from whole, trusted ingredients that are easy and quick to prepare and taste damn good," Hungryroot founder and CEO Ben McKean explained. "And with this promo, our customers will gain a new perspective on life since each bite of one of our meals might just be their last. Because we are going to find them, and we are going to kill them." In addition to the standard pre-portioned ingredients and easy-to-follow recipes, new customers will be able to select a free gift to be included in each weekly delivery for the rest of their lives, however long that might be. According to McKean, the promotion will not end if a subscription is paused or even cancelled. "That's right, it's truly permanent. You can choose from a rotating selection of fresh veggies, premium proteins, snacks or sweets, or survival gear when you view your order, or a gift will be chosen for you based on previous likes and dislikes. The Kevlar vest is very popular. It's not going to save you though."