Washington, D.C. - In recognition of the many important National Days that have been officially declared through an Act of Congress over the years, Congress has designated August 27th as National National Day Day. President Reagan, shown here addressing the nation to announce the designation of October 4th as National Where Am I, Who Are All These People Day "One of the most sacred responsibilities of being an elected leader in this country is the establishment of days where specific events, activities, people, and even foods are to be recognized, remembered, celebrated, or handed out free to customers," Jen Kiggans, the Republican representative for Virginia's 2nd congressional district, explained. "I thank God every day that I wake up in a country with the freedom to celebrate all kinds of days. Wait a second, that should be a day. Freedom day. No...God day. The Catholic one!" Though experts generally disagree on the subject, the one that returned my calls believes that the very first officially sanctioned National Day was National Child Labor Day in 1840. According to conservative historian Niles Vandervoort, the country celebrated the contributions of small children to the amazing advances seen during the Industrial Revolution. "The nation came together to give thanks to all those children with their tiny little arms and fingers that could reach deep into the factory machines to tighten bolts or pull out remnants of previous children that were stuck in the gears. America was truly a great nation back then, and hopefully we will all work together to make it great again this November."

Tallahassee, FL - Florida governor Ron DeSantis has signed an executive order banning transatlantic flights for anyone employed by the state. Governor DeSantis, shown here preparing to demonstrate how to locate the testicles on an Airbus A380 passenger plane "This kind of woke nonsense just isn't going to fly anymore in Florida," Governor DeSantis explained. "There are boy planes and there are girl planes. That's just common sense." The executive order comes days after Joseph A. Ladapo, MD, the State Surgeon General of Florida weighed in on the biology of gender during an educational conference held on the New College of Florida campus in Sarasota. According to Ladapo, gender has defined roles based on solid evidence. "Men are Burger Kings and women are Dairy Queens. Kids are Carl's Jr. That's science. And America runs on science!"

Cuddle Bumpkins, the larval stage of an interdimensional death wraith who has taken the internet by storm, is now one human year old Seemingly unaware of its birthday, the adorable creature floated around its containment unit, absorbed a few morsels of goat flesh and attempted to infiltrate its caretaker's mind while it was being dosed with a powerful sedative Secret Underground Government Facility, FL - The charming internet sensation Cuddle Bumpkins turned 1 today and, like a true diva, it remains unconcerned, heavily sedated, and blissfully unaware of the world's attention. The infant death Wraith that launched a thousand internet memes floated around its containment paddock deep underground, nibbled on some rancid goat flesh and probed wraith handler Garvin Jenkins' limbic system for insight into what makes him afraid, before it was injected with a tranquilizer developed by the White House for use on blue whales. White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller, shown here ignoring safety protocols and staring directly into Cuddle Bumpkin's shapeless void Cuddle Bumpkins, who will have four days of celebrations including a 40 gallon sack fashioned out of human skin and filled with toddler organs, seemed uninterested in its celebrity status or the growing numbers of worshipers, like self-described "Death Acolyte" Mildred Peters, joining a new religion built around it. "She's just so adorable and we all love her so much," explained the 28-year-old Peters, who added her own child's kidneys to the wraith's birthday treat. "It's fun to see that all the attention hasn't changed it, and that it is still methodically testing the strength of the containment field that prevents it from phasing back into its home dimension in order to return with its brethren to subjugate and feed on all but the Chosen Ones like me and my friend Patty." Cuddle Bumpkins was named in a vote by nearly 100,000 subscribers to the White House Truth Social account. It quickly became an internet sensation after its caretakers began uploading videos of it going about its day and flaying the minds of ICE detainees. Just like human celebrities and the chaos demon that has infested the U.S. Capital Building, Cuddle Bumpkins has a number of fan pages on social media full of photos and videos capturing its slow but steady development. Some videos have had view counts in the hundreds of millions and Trump has even teased a live appearance once it is ready to transition into its adult form.

Nashville, TN - In a bold show of dominance, music icon Taylor Swift has announced plans to re-record the music of other artists and claim it as her own. Taylor Swift, shown here at a recent event telling Stevie Nicks that "Edge of Seventeen" belongs to her now and that there is not a damn thing she can do about it "Ms. Swift is once again putting on a masterclass in the kind of 3-dimensional chess that one needs to play in order to make it in the cutthroat music industry," Cultural historian Boggs Hominy explained. "She's really got a taste for this now, and an empty bag that used be filled with fucks to give." Swift first re-recorded her own music in order to regain control and ownership after the master recordings of her first six albums were sold to Scooter Braun without her consent in 2019. According to Hominy, this allowed her to create new master recordings and to significantly reduce the monetary value of the originals. "She still had to operate within the bounds of the law back then. But it's 2025 and she can no longer be contained. She exists as a shapeless void with tendrils reaching into numerous dimensions and complete control over all forms of matter and energy. Who is going to stop her? Lady Gaga? Pink? They have already been absorbed."

Austin, TX - First introduced in 2021, Dubai chocolate achieved viral fame around the world last year thanks to social media influencers. In 2025, culinary visionaries from home kitchens to world class restaurants are expanding the concept and making Dubai-style treats that go far beyond simple chocolate the year's hottest food trend. A mother and daughter enjoying some delicious Dubai burritos at a popular restaurant in Austin "People really love this stuff," culinary historian D'Winda Maplethorpe explained. "And the excitement isn't slowing down. You can pretty much fill anything remotely edible with a handful of that crap and sell it for ten times what it costs to make it." The crap that Maplethorpe is referring to is a filling consisting of a sweet pistachio-tahini cream and kadayif, which is shredded filo pastry that has been toasted to achieve a crispy texture. According to originator Steve Dubai, the Dubai technique, more commonly known as "Dubaiing" or simply "Dubing", is being incorporated into a growing variety of recipes. "I'm seeing cafes and restaurants offering up treats like pies and donuts filled with the concoction as well as a number of savory dishes like Dubai deviled eggs, Dubai ravioli, and Dubai stuffed peppers. Dubai turkeys are going to be huge this holiday season."

Mitch Rangler, fully apprenticed (in Europe) nutritionologist, president and CEO of The Health Patrol What are seed oils? Given the chance, seed oils will kill you and everyone you care about. But what are they? Seed oils are oils used for cooking that are made from the seeds of certain plants, like sunflowers, safflowers, peanuts, or the creeping blotus. These oils are often used to make synthetic and unnatural foods like cheeseburgers, curly fries, and Totino's microwave mini pizza bagels. Because of the way that these oils are manufactured, they are a powerful source of inflammation and disease in the human body as well as a variety of other mammals, like dogs, cats, and the flying dugong. Many animals won't even eat food made with seed oils. Try giving a mini pizza bagel to a deer. They run away before you can get within fifty feet. I won't eat anything that I can't shove down a deer's gullet! What makes seed oils so dangerous? Seed oils must undergo a refining process, which includes bleaching, deodorizing, strip mining, and fracking, in order to improve their taste, color, and shelf life. But this makes them toxic by removing antioxidants and underbalancing levels of omega-6 fatty acids. One study performed near Harvard found that 100% of cadavers were found to have levels of omega-6. And we let children eat this stuff. How did seed oils murder all those people? Simple. With inflammation. Inflammation is the root cause of a number of diseases and chronic illnesses, like arthritis, heart disease, diabetes, plectal derangement, and grimp. And don't forget cancer. A human woman, shown here eating a salad full of seed oils and screaming helplessly into the void while cursing a God that would create such an evil substance Stop forgetting cancer! Cancer is caused by carcinogens. So far, science men have discovered more than one hundred different types, including ultraviolet rays from space, chemicals, alcohol, and pornography. And yes, even the seed oils found in both ultra and super mega-processed foods. When heated beyond a certain point, seed oils turn into toxic carcinogens that will literally change your DNA from the inside and lead to mutations. It may take years or even decades, and you may develop powers, but eventually the mutations will turn into full blown cancer. Powers aren't worth cancer, not even x-ray vision you pervert! What can we do about seed oils as a society? Unfortunately, it isn't realistic to completely remove seed oils from the environment. They are in the water you drink and the air you breathe. A study next to Cambridge even found that seed oils are present in some plants. But on an individual level, you can make a few simple changes: Replace seed oils with natural organic skink oil . I'll discuss skink oil in a future article, but let's just say that they are the healthiest oil available on the market today. Let's all just say that! Reduce intake of processed foods by checking labels and demanding that the lady at Target tell you where all the seed oils are so you can avoid them. Only buy simple foods with clean ingredients. You can't just rinse food off to get rid of the seed oils, however. I recommend purchasing a Level 3 home autoclave just to be safe. A level 2 might do the trick, but why take a chance when it comes to your health?

Mitch Rangler, fully apprenticed (in Europe) nutritionologist, president and CEO of The Health Patrol If I asked you what is the healthiest oil on the market today, you'd probably say something stupid like olive oil or even avocado oil. But that's stupid! The most healthy oil on the planet is, and has always been, skink oil. That's right, skink oil! If you were to list all of the characteristics of the healthiest foods, what would make the top ten? High in monounsaturated omega-3 fatty acids? Check! Low is amalgamated ash? Double check!! Green? Clean? Nutritionologist approved? Check check check!!! Skink oil has everything! Skink oil has almost no amalgamated ash! But before you get offended by the slaughtering of countless millions of skinks to harvest their sweet, precious bodily oils, let me reassure you. Producers of high quality organic skink oil, unlike the corporate labs that synthesize manufactured knockoffs, only use skinks that were naturally crushed by falling branches or the undigested remnants found in the feces of snakes and birds of prey. Skink oil is nature's gift to humanity! Once a GPS tracker has been inserted into this Latvian river skink's brain, it will be released into the wild and only harvest upon its natural death What are the health benefits of skink oil? A better question would be what isn't a health benefit of skink oil! The answer to that question of course is nothing. The answer to the first question is nothing isn't not. Nothing isn't not a skink oil benefit...wait. Skink oil has all the health benefits! Now that you've seen the evidence for the miraculous health benefits that come from consuming all-natural skink oil, and/or bathing daily in it, and/or swishing it around in your mouth for 20-30 minutes every morning, I bet you're worried that it doesn't taste good. Stupid Americans. This is why I did my apprenticeship in Europe. Europe is better than America! I don't usually talk much about my father, on account of all the repressed memories and the decades of cognitive behavioral therapy it took to be able to leave the shed out back and become a productive member of society. But one thing he always told me was that if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. Seriously, he said that! He totally said that! Skink oil is an exception to that wisdom originated by and passed down to me by my father, who ultimately died by my own hand one stormy night in the West Nebraska foothills as it was foretold in the town elder's prophecy. It isn't just the most amazing health supplement available on the internet, it is also delicious. And as if this wasn't enough, skink oil is also good for the planet because skinks are naturally bioreducible. Bioreducibility is the first step towards bioredundancy! In my upcoming The Health Patrol newsletter, I'll discuss cutting edge research into the amazing health benefits of skink oil and give readers access to my top ten favorite skink oil recipes. Want a copy? Send a self-addressed stamped envelope along with $5 to room 11B. I'll get your copy in the mail as soon as the mimeograph machine in the basement is fixed!

London - For the first time since the technology was developed in 2012, gene editing using the CRISPR-Cas9 system has been used to successfully change the genome of a child born with Pediatric Asshole Disorder (PAD). Bryce Sagemop, shown here several weeks after gene editing cured his pediatric asshole disorder being a bit of a douchebag "This has given us a chance to start over as a family," Lilly Sagemop, the former asshole child's mother, explained. "For the first time in my boy's life, I can look him without thinking there goes a monster that's half me, half his asshole father. Still, I worry about potential side effects" The CRISPR-Cas9 system allows for the editing of DNA in the vast majority of cell types in virtually all known organisms, even the Latvian river skink. According to Sir Monty Tushwhistle, a PAD researcher and clinical geneticist who conducted the trial near Oxford, the tool has created seemingly miraculous opportunities to cure genetic diseases. "By harnessing the cell's natural repair pathways, we inserted a new fragment of non-asshole DNA and, it appears, replaced a mutation with a healthy sequence that promotes a generally chill demeanor so that the patient can lead a normal life. An almost perfectly normal life. And so far, little Bryce appears to be doing great. He's doing just really, really great."

San Diego, CA - Being an asshole may not be obvious until a child is a toddler, but some surprising new evidence is emerging that may prove that the condition begins much earlier, even while a fetus is developing in the womb. An adult patient with chronic asshole disorder, shown here undergoing an invasive neural scraping procedure in the hopes of a cure Brain tissue obtained from patients with Pediatric Asshole Disorder (PAD) who had died of unrelated causes has revealed patches of disorganization in the cortex, a thin sheet of cells critical for learning, memory, and not being a complete asshole. Researchers were unable to demonstrate the same findings in brain samples obtained from kids who weren't assholes. The results of the study were published this month in Harrumph! , a medical journal focused on the deal with kids these days. The organization of the brain, specifically in the cortex, begins early in pregnancy. According to Mort Fishman, a PAD researcher and co-author of the paper, disorganization in this region would have occurred well before the time that Republicans stop caring if the fetus lives or dies, which is currently around 24 weeks of gestation. "But, and I do want to be perfectly clear on this, parenting still plays a large role in PAD, especially the mother." The developing brain in children, in particular the cortex, is arranged in a series of layers, with each layer containing different types of cells. In assholes kids, there are areas in the layers that lose distinction because the pattern of cell specific to each layer isn't there. According to Fishman, this specific pattern of disorganization may be the key to why some toddlers are just awful, awful people and everybody hates them. Fishman, who is the director of the Institute for Asshole Science at the University of West Dakota in San Diego (IAS-UWDSD), believes that the findings add to a growing body of research on how genes control the development of the brain and play a role in PAD. "This tells us that perhaps initiating treatment early in childhood, when the brain has more potential to reorganize itself and circumvent impaired regions, might lead to improved outcomes and avoid the need for a surgical scraping of the cortex later in life. Maybe instead of an asshole, they'll just be really big jerks, and I think most of us can put up with that." Fishman and the researchers at IAS-UWDSD are asking for help. They need more brains from both asshole kids and normal toddlers who at most only occasionally annoy the shit out of people waiting in line at Costco. Which is where the public can truly make a difference. Unfortunately, parents of assholes don't typically agree to donate their child's brain to asshole science, probably because they themselves are assholes. Parents can donate their child's brain pretty much whenever, but the IAS-UWDSD prefers waiting until the child has died.

Harvard area, MA - New research performed near Harvard is baffling scientists all over the world according to one of them. Scientist Steve, shown here smiling in his science lab and probably about to say something really funny. Classic Steve! "I have to be honest and admit that none of us saw this coming...at all," Merrill Worcester explained. "Not even Steve. He was all like, "What...no way. Now that's a spicy meatball!" That's like Steve's catchphrase, and he does this stupid voice. Steve is hilarious." One of the most important aspects of high quality science is replication. A single result can be an outlier and should only rarely be the final word. Even the most dedicated scientist can make a mistake or be influenced by belief and bias, and some unusual findings can even come about based on chance alone. Which is why it's so weird that all these scientists are so confused by the whole thing. After taking some time to process the study's unexpected results, the research team is back at work on a new project aimed at replicating or falsifying them so that everyone will just chill the fuck out. According to Worcester, It's important to keep moving forward and to avoid being distracted by research that catches you off guard. "We are professional scientists and a fundamental aspect of what we do is...Steve, stop it! I'm talking to that reporter about the study. I know, right? That was nuts!" Not all research is the same. There are varying degrees of quality and some takes place far away from academic research facilities like Harvard, or even the warehouse that stores the servers for the Online Correspondence College of Tampa. Though she admits that skepticism is always the appropriate response to unexpected findings, Worcester is also quick to point out the proximity of her science lab to Harvard. "We are very close. In fact, if you look between those two buildings over there...yep, that's the on-ramp to the interstate and then it's just like 10 minutes to the campus. 45 with traffic."

Portland, ME - When Portland 5-year-old Tackle Lewinsky skips down the long cement path towards his neighborhood playground, the other families know it's time to pack up and head home. Tackle, who loves dinosaurs, digging holes in the sand, and telling stories with at least two events, is an asshole. Suffering from the most severe form of the condition, he is in fact a complete and total asshole . Lewinsky, shown here holding a bird and smiling just prior to really pissing off all the parents on the field trip by being an asshole. I mean, what the fuck kid? "He seemed like such a sweet baby at first," Tackle's mother Lurleen Lewinsky explained. "But now, I just look at him wonder where it all went so wrong. He could be sitting there quietly watching the Disney Channel, and he's still such an asshole...just like his father." Some experts, like Harvard area pediatric geneticist Marsha Collins, are raising serious concerns about labeling a child as young as Tackle with what many believe to be a chronic condition. "A child this age is still developing, and he looks to those around him for support and for social cues on how to behave. His brain is rapidly changing as new connections are being forged between neurons, and I've seen pediatric asshole cases improve to just being little shits sometimes. Being labeled like this could negatively influence his...wait, Tackle Lewinsky? Yeah, that kid is an asshole." Tackle, who is potty trained for the most part but still occasionally has nighttime accidents, can count to ten, and is able to hop on one foot, is just one of a growing population of asshole toddlers who think that we should all just stop whatever we're doing and pay attention to them. That's great, you found a shiny rock. Oh, you did your own buttons. Real damn cute. Assholes.

Jacksonville, FL- Despite decades of scientific advancements in our understanding of human waste elimination across the lifespan, particularly in the most efficient and developmentally appropriate means of teaching young children to use modern toilets, a growing number of parents are turning to so-called alternative methods of potty training that they claim are more natural. A human child, forced to suffer through the indignity of a conventional symptom-based potty training method, shown here developing learned helplessness and probably PTSD "It's easy to assume that a child requires a restrictive and regimented training method because they are small and uncoordinated, or because of their limited ability to communicate," Barbara Pennock, Head Instructor at Jacksonville's Freecheeks Potty Training and Functional Gastroenterology Center, explained. "And that's exactly what those ivory tower eggheads from Big Potty want you to believe. More savvy parents are now wisely considering a number of natural options, some of which have been used for thousands of years by both ancient Chinese and Native American societies, before simply going along with a conventional method that may not approach the process holistically." Pennock admits that the Freecheeks method, with its focus on the root cause of infantile incontinence rather than simply when and where a child pees and poops, isn't for every family. But she believes that it is for parents who are willing to listen to what their young children have to say about their own personal elimination functions and who are willing to pay cash for all the labs and imaging that their medical director orders. And according to her, the process couldn't be simpler as long as you do it exactly as recommended without exception. "You'll need a garden hose, enough newspaper to cover the floors of your house, and an intimately intuitive connection with your child's bladder and bowels ," Pennock revealed. "But what you won't need is any more diapers, as long as you do it right. The goal is absolute and unwavering compliance at all times. And to have fun!" Carl Reed, a pediatric gastroenterology expert and parent of five human children, isn't sold on what he considers unproven toilet training methods. "In my opinion, calling a method alternative is just a marketing term that implies equal footing in regards to supporting evidence. In reality, there are no conventional or alternative potty training modalities, only those that work and those that do not."