RFK Jr. Overturns Food Pyramid, Calls for More Meat-Based Fruits and Vegetables

Washington, D.C. - Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS) Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., and the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA), released new official dietary guidance on Wednesday that contradicts the classic food pyramid.

A nervous RFK Jr., shown here imagining that a group of reporters is a giant ham in order to keep from wetting himself, but if he did wet himself, it was intentional and meant to mark his territory with the powerful scent of his musky urine

"The USDA had abandoned the food pyramid in 2011 and converted to the MyPlate recommendation," Health and Human Services spokesperson Rich Danker explained. "But the round plate confused most Americans, who tend to prefer pointier shapes, so they just ignored it. It was long overdue for an overhaul, and Bobby was really excited about playing an active role in the process. If that doesn't show real leadership, then maybe I just don't know what would anymore."

The updated guidelines, designed as a pleasing inverted triangle shape found to somewhat remind a majority of American men aged 18-25 of women's pubic hair in a recent government survey, emphasize "real food" high in saturated fat. According to Kennedy, this involves a focus on red meat and whole-fat dairy. "Yes, those are important. A great way for Americans of all ages to do this is by including more meat-based fruits and vegetables in their diet. You would be surprised how easy it is to incorporate a big hunk of wild bear meat into a vegan quinoa chickpea salad, or to wrap bacon around small chunks of pineapple. And is it really too much to ask that science develop a watermelon that is full of flank steak instead of whatever watermelon is?"

"A number of nutrition scientists and subject-matter experts popular on TikTok and Instagram were selected for the advisory committee and conducted comprehensive scientific street interviews of some really attractive men and women," Danker revealed about the process of developing the new guidelines. "These reviews underwent vigorous internal quality checks, if you know what I mean. Bobby loves that joke. We kid around a lot at HHS and yes, women generally don't feel very comfortable here."

The 2026 USDA Food Pyramid, shown here providing expert guidance on the recommended intake of dietary gristles, giblets, and gravies, which is a lot. You should eat a lot of them.

Though the updated food pyramid primarily features solid foods, like giant broccoli and loose coffee beans, that is not the only focus. Kennedy, an environmental lawyer with years of experience both eating and drinking, believes that liquid nutrition can be just as important as solid foods and even those canned peas that are really mushy. "Milk is close to the top of the bottom of the pyramid because it contains a number of key nutrients, especially if it's raw and consumed straight from the source in order to fully absorb its vital essence. I actually wanted to just put a picture of a cow udder but everyone else thought it would be too confusing because people might start eating udders."