Trump-Kennedy Center Announces Lawsuit After Krampus Snub

Washington, D.C. - The Trump-Kennedy Center says it plans to file a $1 million lawsuit against Krampus, the half-goat, half-demon former Republican once considered for a high-ranking position in the Trump administration, after cancelling his appearance at an annual Christmas Eve performance.

Krampus, shown here posing on the red carpet at the 2025 Met Gala and right before tossing Blue Ivy Carter into his burlap sack

"Krampus pulled out right after President Trump's name was added to the exterior of our highly respected performing arts center in D.C.," Trump-Kennedy Center spokesperson Roma Daravi explained. "Cancelling a show over political differences isn't about courage or principles. It is selfish, intolerant, and a failure to meet the basic duty of a public artist to serve at the pleasure of the president."

The president took to Truth Social to voice his displeasure during the routine placement of a double lumen implanted port that will allow frequent preventative access to his subclavian vein for reasons that frankly are none of our business. According to the robust 79-year-old, whose powerful grip and arm strength has been known to crush the hands, and dislocate the shoulders, of handshake recipients, the Krampus snub is an insult to the arts. "And it's an insult to me, one of the greatest presidents and one of the biggest supporters of the arts and of his work with children. Even an ancient entity that exists within the nightmares of children, something I have strongly supported, is going to pay a price."

Krampus, an international scourge known for gathering and consuming naughty children in the days leading up to Christmas, a word that I can finally say again, has pushed back against criticism from the White House. "When I saw the name change on the Kennedy Center website, and then hours later on the actual building, I backed out. It's not a political stunt, it's a stand for something that I feel very strongly about. Yes, I'm talking about the Epstein stuff. I'm a monster but I'm not a monster. Release the files!"