Davenport, IA - Life-threatening spinal injuries usually involve a source of obvious trauma, such as a motor vehicle accident or accidentally falling down an open manhole when someone forgets to put the cover back. But this isn't always the case. A growing number of mothers and fathers are suffering from what chiropractors, experts in the management of spine health, are calling "crack back" or "line spine", and they are calling for increased awareness and action from government leaders. An elderly woman, shown here at the gym in the early stages of crack back after her no-good unemployed 49-year-old son stepped on a sidewalk crack, probably intentionally, in order to get his grubby hands on the inheritance and pay off gambling debts Crack back occurs when a child, either intentionally or accidentally, steps on a sidewalk crack. This results in the sudden and catastrophic breaking of their mother's back. Line spine, which typically affects fathers, occurs when a child steps on a line. Lines may be existing sidewalk expansion joints or even chalk-based hopscotch courts. Regardless, these cracks and lines are all extremely risky. Not every case will result in death, with some only causing minor acute or chronic low back pain, but the potential for a catastrophic outcome is very real. "This is a global epidemic with more potential for serious injury than relatively minor conditions like text neck or when a kid wears their backpack on one shoulder," Frank Grimes, a chiropractor who practices at the Crack Back Institute in Belvidere, NE, explained. "After Accordion syndrome, this is the problem with the highest risk for extreme spinal injury that we deal with in the clinic, and it has become increasingly common. This country has a real infrastructure problem, and cracks are everywhere these days. And frankly, so are kids. It's a recipe for disaster." Most people are familiar with Accordion syndrome. Named after chiropractor Robert Accordion, who first described the condition in 1907, this is when a patient's entire spinal column collapses and then comically bobs up and down as they shriek in pain. Typically linked to untreated chiropractic subluxations that damage the spine and surrounding support structures over time, it is designated as a chiropractic "never event" by the Joint Commission on Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations and Strip Malls. Grimes is hoping that crack back and line spine will receive the same focus in the near future. "I've lost count of how many lives I've seen ruined by these conditions," Grimes, who trademarked Crack Back and changed the name of his practice after noticing that more than 90% of his patients complained of low back pain, revealed. "I just diagnosed a young woman with it last week. This was a thriving mother who loved being outdoors, hiking the trials, and solo climbing up the sides of mountains. She loved life. And then her kid steps on a crack right as she's about to summit El Capitan. She survived, but she may never climb again." Sidewalks across America are in bad shape. There are billions of cracks and even more lines putting unsuspecting parents at risk, and this will likely only get worse. According to Grimes, our political leaders are failing us. "We live in the richest country in the world. The money is there to fix the problem, but we can't seem to get much of anything done in Congress anymore." Keeping sidewalk cracks and lines clear of weeds or other debris that might hide them from sight is helpful, but repairing them as soon as possible is best What can people do to prevent crack back and line spine? The most important step is prevention. Avoiding sidewalks is key because that is where high risk cracks and lines are most commonly found, although some evidence suggests that concrete driveway cracks may be just as dangerous. And keeping some kind of crack filler or sealant handy might just save the life of another mom or dad in the future. Grimes has developed the SAFE acronym to help children at almost any age to remember how to prevent severe parental spinal injuries: S tep over all cracks and lines A void sidewalks whenever possible F ill in sidewalk cracks and lines, ideally with a self-levelling polyurethane sealant E yes down at all times when walking on or near sidewalks Dr. Grimes is currently offering a Winter Wellness package for parents. This includes a complete spine analysis, which includes spinal resiliency measurements, establishing a SAFE sidewalk plan for the entire family, as well as crack back or line spine treatment if indicated for only $99. Call today!

Near Harvard - Experts in animal behavior near Harvard found in a recent study that many dog owners aren't very good at interpreting the full range of their pet's emotional states, with a whopping 95% being unable to pick up on more than two or three. Dr. Snickers, a 3-year-old Havanese, shown here experiencing intense schadenfreude after watching an aggressive German Shepherd being run over by a Cybertruck "The results were very unexpected," canine psychologist and lead science woman Josabel Clump explained. "Dogs and humans have shared a strong bond for thousands of years. They react to our emotional states and facial expressions, and previous studies have even revealed that both dogs and humans secrete oxytocin when enjoying quality time together. This helps to forge a strong connection." Despite the powerful historical bond between humanity and our pooch partners, the study, published this week in Online Publishing Module # 89,462: Dogs, Cats, and...Ferrets? , paints a different picture. Clump, the proud owner of a sweet but mysterious Havanese named Dr. Snickers, was forced to wonder if we really know our canine companions at all. "Everyone can tell when a dog is angry. And many owners are pretty quick to realize that their dog is sad or experiencing fear. But our research reveals that most owners can't perceive complex emotions like ennui, angst, or optimism about the future with any real accuracy." Understanding a dog's emotions is similar to reading human emotions. It involves the observation and interpretation of a variety of nonverbal cues, facial expressions, and bark tone. According to renowned pet psychic Loora Finchly, however, that is only the first step in an extremely complex process often taken for granted when only human beings are involved: Dog owners must consider the context surrounding the emotional breadcrumbs left by their pets, and any potential cultural influences. They have to use active listening and they have to use empathy. And when all else fails, I just ask them how they're feeling. Successfully interpreting a pet's emotional state can help to foster a rewarding relationship for everyone involved, both human and canine. Finchly, who worked with NASA in the 1960s when the space chimps kept developing nervous diarrhea, believes that many dog behavior issues can be solved by getting to the bottom of what is getting to your furry friend. "Maybe it's something simple, like a bit of boredom or a touch of jealousy. Or maybe they saw something, something they shouldn't have, something that could get someone in a lot of trouble, and it's tearing them apart."

Culver City, CA - In response to the overwhelmingly positive reviews of Melania , the recently released documentary about the 20 days leading up to Donald Trump 's second presidential inauguration as experienced through the eyes of his wife, Amazon MGM Studios has announced that they are fast-tracking several projects involving the first lady. Melania Trump, shown here in a scene from Breakfast at Tiffany's 2: Melania "People love Melania," Amazon executive chairman Jeff Bezos explained. "They love her and they are screaming for more. And more is exactly what Amazon is in the business of giving people. More products, more entertainment, and...more Melania!" The documentary, which is being described by some as the Citizen Kane of movies, is breaking attendance records across the country. Bezos, who paid $40 million for the distribution rights, the largest amount ever for a documentary, did so before realizing that the star of the film was married to Donald Trump. "I just fell in love with who I now know is the first lady, and was truly wowed by her grace and charm. So this obviously wasn't a quid pro quo situation. Don't write that it was a quid pro quo situation." Starting in late 2026, a number of Melania-focused projects will be released. According to Bezos, these efforts will cover the spectrum of entertainment media and cost just shy of a billion dollars to produce and distribute. "There's a sitcom, Melania in the City , about a talented model and her close-knit group of friends trying to make it in New York. Then there's the Christmas album, the dance competition, the art gallery full of her paintings, the stage musical about her life, and you definitely won't want to miss her Oscar-worthy performance as Melania Golightly in the sequel to Breakfast at Tiffany's ."

Kenmore, WA - Researchers near prestigious Bastyr University held an emergency press conference this week to discuss the recent findings of a blue-ribbon panel of experts in the field of homeopathy, findings that have set off shockwaves in the integrative medicine community. A science man, let's just call him Steve, shown here doing advanced homeopathy research using science and a really cool microscope One of the most worrisome health trends in recent years has been the emergence of bacteria with increasing resistance to conventional antibiotic regimens. Panel participant Carl Barkhammer, a research homeopath who has spent decades studying the curative powers of homeopathic remedies, recently changed the focus of his efforts from clinical research to the laboratory in order to prove the benefit of these treatments in patients infected with methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA). "It's amazing how fast these bugs have become resistant to antibiotics," Barkhammer explained. "I've been researching homeopathy for a long time and I had never even heard of staph aureus, let alone MRSA. To think that a brand new infectious microbe, and one that is apparently very deadly according to ChatGPT, is already nearly untreatable with antibiotics. That is some scary stuff!" Homeopathy, a healing practice discovered in 1796 by German physician Hans Diefenderfer, uses natural remedies that stimulate the innate healing powers of the human body. Proponents, like Barkhammer, believe that this vital energy is a powerful force for healing mankind's ills and has absolutely no risk. When not designing research protocols, he enjoys travelling the world to explain the merits and mechanisms of homeopathy: Homeopathy is a lot like taking an herbal remedy, only instead of using measurable quantities of a plant or other ingredient, a bottle of water or ethanol is briskly walked near one and then given a stern look. The only real risk is if lifesaving homeopathic consultation is deferred while a patient wastes time seeking care from an allopathic doctor. Barkhammer, who enjoys writing poetry and spends his summers making extra money cleaning gutters, set out to test a variety of homeopathic preparations on live cultures of MRSA. "I figured that if I was going to convince the skeptics, I had to take the human element out of the equation. Clinical studies can be wrought with confounding variables. If one of my treatments were to appear to work on an infected person, I would have to rule out anything else that may have played a role in their recovery, like acupuncture, prayer, or a bottle of skink oil . I needed to focus on just one intervention, the homeopathy. This was cutting edge science." When Barkhammer's initial attempts to kill the antibiotic resistant bacteria with homeopathic remedies failed, he was forced to dig deeper and deeper into his armamentarium. But nothing seemed to work: I tried everything I could think of, and then I tried everything I could find cited in the homeopathic literature. Nothing worked and I began to grow very concerned. I wondered if the bacteria was already developing extreme resistance to homeopathic remedies, or worse. Yeah, I haven't slept well since." Barkhammer, who coaches his son's little league team and dreams of one day owning his own car, wondered if bacteria other than homeopathic-resistant Staph aureus , or HRSA (pronounced "hersa"), had also begun to develop resistance. "I began to test every bacterial species that I could get my hands on and the results were the same every time, leaving me no choice but to conclude that it is possible that all known bacterial pathogens are now resistant to homeopathy. Let that sink in." Still, Barkhammer believes that there is hope for the future. He hasn't given up on homeopathy as a legitimate alternative to antibiotics for the treatment of bacterial infections yet. "There is an infinite number of potential remedies out there. I haven't tried everything. Maybe hyper-diluted blue whale bile or the tears of a virgin exposed to the light of a full moon might work. But the most likely problem is that I failed to acknowledge how a laboratory setting might interfere with the complex quantum vibrations that take place when a homeopathic remedy is perfectly matched to an individual patient's symptoms. There is still work to be done figuring out new and better ways to study homeopathy until its healing power is proven beyond doubt. That's just how science works."

Washington, D.C. - One day after withdrawing from the World Health Organization, the United States has now also officially left the United Federation of Planets (UFP). White House homeland security advisor Stephen Miller, a human-Ferengi hybrid, shown here politely waiting his turn to bear spray a newborn in the face "This was not a decision made lightly," Chief of Space Operations General Bradley Chance Saltzman explained. "But it was a decision that reflected the UFP's failure to deal with the bureaucratic bloat, entrenched paradigms, conflicts of interest, and intragalactic power politics that have plagued many legacy institutions." The UFP, commonly referred to simply as the Federation, is a supranational interstellar union of more than a hundred planetary political entities operating semi-autonomously under a single central government. According to President Trump during keynote remarks at the 2026 World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, the decision to break with the Federation is permanent. "Have you seen these guys, with the crazy ridges on their faces and the pointy ears, and some of them are green or blue. It's weird, right? And what are they doing to do about it? Shoot us with their phasers and photon torpedoes? I have two words for these aliens: Golden Dome." During the speech, President Trump also announced the formation of a Board of Interstellar Peace. The Klingon and Romulan Empires, Borg Collective, the Dominion, Khan, Q, Gul Dukat, and Data's evil brother Lore have been invited to join so far. The board will be permanently chaired by Trump, and then Trump's brain once his body has fully decomposed. The United Federation of Planets was unable to be reached for comment.

Embracing Alternative Cleaning Top hospitals put unorthodox methods into practice "To be honest, if we didn't see and smell the difference, we would have called the nurse's station to complain," says Sarah Saltzberg. She's referring to the freshly cleaned room of her son Timmy, who was recently diagnosed with childhood diabetes and admitted to Lurie Children's Hospital of Chicago for treatment and education. Insulin shots, a carbohydrate counting diet, and frequent blood sugar checks have been vital aspects of Timmy's care in the hospital, but equally important to his family is something very different from the harsh, time-consuming, impersonal, and one-size-fits-all cleaning methods typically endorsed by Western science. A nurse applying a chiropractic sanitation adjustment to improve the energy flow through a dirty hospital mattress The janitor has just performed a kind of energy-based cleaning that might have been challenged or even persecuted by established Western custodians until just a few years ago. Faster acting, and lacking the typical pungent odors of more mainstream cleaning supplies, Quantum Cleaning, as it is called by proponents, takes advantage of electron transitions associated with the interactions of visible and ultraviolet particles with trash, bodily fluids, and dirty linens. According to experts in the field, the quantum energy of photons precisely matches the energy gap between soiled and clean states of matter. By taking advantage of precise interactions between and within energy and matter, a Quantum Cleaning practitioner works to elevate the quantum position from the lower to the upper state, rendering matter void of any and all unclean quantum entanglements. According to Clancy Simmons, a certified Quantum Cleaning provider at the hospital, this rebalances the energy field believed to envelop the room, leaving a fresh lemony scent. "Every day I spend five to ten minutes in Timmy's room and then you could eat off of the floor in there! But don't. Don't eat off the floor." Just a few years ago, patients at Lurie Children's would have seen custodians using only conventional evidence-based cleaning techniques. Like most facilities around the country, this research-oriented medical center, known for high ranking status among pediatric teaching hospitals, would have been full of brooms, mops, and disinfectant sprays and wipes. But more academic hospitals are now embracing janitorial alternative methods, or JAM. Facilities like the Mayo Clinic, Duke University Medical Center, and the University of California-San Francisco are now replacing traditional methods with Quantum Cleaning and other JAM services, like antimicrobial Reiki and acuclaving surgical equipment prior to use. And sweet little diabetic angel Timmy Salzberg is only one of many children benefiting from room cleaning that not long ago was considered by mainstream academic research janitors to be unfounded and ineffective. Thanks to the work of JAM pioneers like Simmons, a growing body of pragmatic evidence has emerged: I ask people all the time and more than half of Americans appear to be interested in seeking alternative cleaning services. Then that case report in Online Publishing Module #124,952: Integrative Sanitation described the use of a homeopathic ammonia solution to remove dust from hospital window blinds. That really got the attention of those ivory tower eggheads! Back at Lurie Children's, Timmy is sleeping soundly while his mother appreciates the clean and comfortable environment. "It's hard to not think about all the families that came before us who weren't able to benefit from more natural cleaning methods. And Clancy has some really intriguing thoughts about whether or not Timmy really needs all these insulin injections."

New York - Scientists around the world are warning families about a hilarious but dangerous social media trend that could result in criminal charges and serious injuries, including the end of all life on Earth, or worse. Three teenagers planning their next TikTok prank. Could they be the boys that ultimately kill us all? Yes. A thousand times yes! According to Regibald Teaborne, a spokesperson for the United Nations Interagency Task Force on Global Catastrophic Threats, the trend has increased in popularity in recent weeks prompting worldwide laughter and concern. "Numerous incidents have been reported across the globe. And though it gets funnier each and every time it happens, it puts us at risk. All of us. There really would be no escape for anyone in a worst case scenario." "So far, none of these local incidents have caused more than a few dozen deaths, some structural damage to a few buildings, and a few million smiley face emojis," Teaborne explained. "But at this rate it's only a matter of time before one of these pranks triggers something more substantial than an LOL or even an ROFL. It could be something much more dangerous." The pranks, typically recorded and posted to social media sites like TikTok by lonely teenage boys seeking virtual attention and validation in the form of increasing follower counts, are particularly high risk. Teaborne, whose nephew has a computer, is hoping that by increasing awareness of the dangers, the Task Force will convince these children and young adults to stop putting the lives of every living thing on Earth at risk. "We are talking about a complete and irrevocable severing of the bonds that tie our own universe to the greater multiverse. We are talking about a complete decoupling of our reality. We will be broken down into quantum foam and it will be an absolute riot, but it will also be extremely painful and we will all be dead." Teaborne and the task force want the public to know that individuals participating in these pranks may face serious legal consequences. "This might include arrest and criminal charges such as trespassing or extinction-level vandalism. Things could turn from amusing to Armageddon in the blink of an eye and you are risking going from edgy comic to eternally cancelled before you know it." The United Nations Interagency Task Force on Global Catastrophic Threats is urging parents and guardians to speak with their children about online viral challenges and the risk of bringing about cataclysmic devastation or even the Biblical end of days. They are encouraging conversations about safe, responsible choices when it comes to social media use. Finally, they recommend holding your children close and telling them that you love them.

Cambridge, MA - Researchers in ancient Chinese medicine and advanced robotics near the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) believe that they are close to a breakthrough that would allow for successful acupuncture treatments on the cellular level. An acupuncturist and acupuncture anesthetist performing robotically-assisted acupuncture on a patient who has been feeling kind of tired lately. Also...AI? "This is kind of the Holy Grail of acupuncture that many experts in the field have thought would be impossible," project leader Malt McCoy explained. "But with recent advances in both robotics and artificial intelligence, we may soon be able to revolutionize the way we approach the management of most, if not all, human illness." As is often the case throughout human history, personal tragedy served as an inspiration for future discovery. McCoy, who lost his mother when he was a sophomore in high school, has never forgotten how it felt to be truly helpless in the face of an adversity that doctors said wasn't something that they could help with. He dedicated his life to finding a way to cure all human illness as a tribute to his mother, who he later found hiding in the upstairs linen closet. Robot-assisted surgery is a well established treatment modality in modern medicine. According to McCoy, technology such as Intuitive's da Vinci 5 Surgical System, which boasts state-of-the-art robotics featuring 3D high-definition magnification and enhanced haptics, has given acupuncturists the ability to maneuver with far greater precision than human wrists and fingers on their own. "We just needed needles small enough to work at the microscopic scale of individual cells, which are much smaller than most people realize." Why would acupuncture treatments focusing on individual cells be better than inserting needles into the skin? I reached out to Dr. Mort Fishman, a gynecological acupuncturist who works with the da Vinci system in his fertility acupuncture practice, for an explanation: Cells are the fundamental building blocks of life. They make up all our tissues, organs, and body systems. Shoving a tiny needle through a cell's membrane and directly into an organelle, like a mitochondrion, a ribosome , a golgi body, or even the nucleus itself, is going to do something spectacular in terms of health. "The first and arguably most important step in this long journey was the development of needles small enough to enter a cell without just smooshing it," McCoy revealed. "The process involves highly advanced microfabrication techniques like photolithography, reactive ion etching, and nanowhittling to produce such sharp and incredibly tiny needles." The second step, and one that might take even longer, will be the development of clinically verified acupoints. McCoy admits that it won't be easy. "It's going to take a combination of electron microscopy and intuition when it comes to mapping meridian channels in each organelle. In many ways, acupuncture is a hard science. But in others, it's an art. An intimate dance between provider and patient, or in this case, a patient's rough endoplasmic reticulum." Why AI? Couldn't the team simply program the acupuncture robots to function based on treatment protocols once they are established? McCoy disagrees with such superficial critiques of his work. "To be human is to explore the unknown and shine the light of science into the darkness. And if there wasn't at least a small chance that what we are doing might one day kill us all, what is the point? Do you see what I did there? Because it's acupuncture?"

Washington, D.C. - The United States Senate has approved the appointment of high school junior Kimberly Jergen to lead NASA after an unorthodox nomination process where President Donald Trump seemed at times unsure of his choice. NASA Chief Kimberly Jergen, shown here going to meet up with some friends at Sephora Jergen, 16, a member of her school's astrology club who became the first non-senior to serve as its president, is also the first NASA administrator in decades to come directly from outside government. For many, her tenure as administrator will be judged by one crucial test - whether NASA will successfully put humans on the surface of the moon before America's primary rival China. Trump has been laser focused on the establishment of a permanent lunar base that would allow for the extraction of resources and play a key role in reaching Mars, where he hopes to find attractive alien women. A computer rendered image of a potential Martian woman as described by President Trump "I won't get into specific plans," Jergen explained. "But the Sun is in Capricorn, which means that under my new leadership NASA will take a realistic and grounded approach to life that is about getting things done and valuing what is worthwhile. This organization wants to feel useful and effective, and needs worldly recognition, but it takes pleasure in the simple things in life." Senators voted by a large margin, 67-30, to confirm Jergen's appointment despite her nomination being withdrawn by the president at one point. According to Trump, his hesitance in putting forward the nomination months ago should not be taken as a sign of a lack of confidence. "I think Kimberly is a beautiful young lady and is very confident and tall. She reminds me a lot of Ivanka when she was almost legal. What? I can say whatever I want now!" "This is the right time for taking action," Jergen revealed. "NASA is going to be all about planning for the future and taking charge of life, but it will also be about slow and steady progress. We will strive to balance being risk-averse with less inhibition while trying to avoid being distrustful and guarded. Ultimately we will focus on the value of hard work and the achievements of our predecessors." The NASA administrator role will be Jergen's first job in politics. She will succeed Sean Duffy , the transportation Secretary, who served as interim NASA Chief since July and can do lots of pull-ups.

Cape Canaveral, FL - Though the moon has long served as a focus of numerous myths, legends, beliefs, and conspiracy theories, scientists have yet to find convincing evidence of any significant impact on human behavior or physiology. Perhaps, that is, until now. A highly sophisticated graph, shown here proving the benefit of chiropractic care during a full moon and that the Apollo 11 mission was obviously staged by NASA and that guy who directed The Shining Skeptics are quick to deny the moon's role in human health, but believers, even highly trained medical professionals, are plentiful. And a variety of potential mechanisms of action for so-called "lunar effects" have been proposed over the millennia since the moon was discovered just floating up there in the sky for no obvious reason. But just how the moon might increase fertility or suicide rates, for example, remains largely a mystery. There are far more questions than answers when it comes to the moon. What is it? How did it get way up there? Who put it there? What is the source of its light? But chiropractic researchers with the American Academy of Space Chiropractic (AASC) near Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral may finally have a few answers. "Let's face it, we don't know much about the moon," space chiropractic researcher Jill Alcabaz explained. "But that doesn't mean that we can't harness its healing powers. It would be foolish to let something as irrelevant as basic scientific plausibility stand in our way when there are literally millions of potential patients out there in need of our help." Alcabaz and her team of experts on the human spine at the AASC set out to gain a better understanding of lunar effects a little over one Earth year ago. And what they found may change the way that Western science thinks about the moon and chiropractic healthcare. "We recruited 5,000 patients with really bad headaches to take part in the trial, which involved half of the subjects being assigned to chiropractic care during a full moon and the other half receiving a pamphlet on self-administered home chiropractic adjustments to be done on days of the month without a full moon." The team assessed headache severity using a standard scale from one to five, with one being headache free and five being a really, really bad headache. After the year-long observation period concluded, 97% of the 42 patients who completed the study and underwent chiropractic care during a full moon either did not have a headache when filling out the survey, or their headache was a 4 or less on the severity scale. Of the remaining participants who received the instructional pamphlet, only 3 were headache free with one additional subjects having scored less than 5. When Alcabaz and her team reviewed the results, they were impressed...very impressed: After some pretty sophisticated statistical analysis using my son's TI-80 graphing calculator, we found that combining chiropractic care with the beneficial rays of the full moon resulted in a statistically important improvement in headache severity and the likelihood that a subject's headache would resolve completely. I can't say that about the subjects who performed home adjustments. I can't...and I won't. The results of the study aren't surprising to everyone in the chiropractic community. Frank Grimes, DC, a chiropractic practicing in Belvidere, NE for over twenty Earth years, has seen the miraculous benefits of quality chiropractic administered by a trained professional first hand. "You can't just do it at home and expect the same results. I went to school for four years to learn how to do this. I question the methodology and the ethics of this study, and I'm going to prove that you don't need a full moon to get results." Chiropractor and outspoken lunar effects skeptic Frank Grimes, is now recruiting subjects for his "New Moon Madness" study for only $59.99  The paper, which will be published in Online Publishing Module # 917 - Family Chiropractic, Space Stuff next month, may have proven that the full moon does affect the human body, but it fails to explain how. Alcabaz has some ideas, however. "The human body is mostly comprised of water, carbon, protein, and energy. Chiropractic impacts the flow of energy and the moon causes ocean tides. I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here."

Washington, D.C. - Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS) Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., and the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA), released new official dietary guidance on Wednesday that contradicts the classic food pyramid. A nervous RFK Jr., shown here imagining that a group of reporters is a giant ham in order to keep from wetting himself, but if he did wet himself, it was intentional and meant to mark his territory with the powerful scent of his musky urine "The USDA had abandoned the food pyramid in 2011 and converted to the MyPlate recommendation," Health and Human Services spokesperson Rich Danker explained. "But the round plate confused most Americans, who tend to prefer pointier shapes, so they just ignored it. It was long overdue for an overhaul, and Bobby was really excited about playing an active role in the process. If that doesn't show real leadership, then maybe I just don't know what would anymore." The updated guidelines, designed as a pleasing inverted triangle shape found to somewhat remind a majority of American men aged 18-25 of women's pubic hair in a recent government survey, emphasize "real food" high in saturated fat. According to Kennedy, this involves a focus on red meat and whole-fat dairy. "Yes, those are important. A great way for Americans of all ages to do this is by including more meat-based fruits and vegetables in their diet. You would be surprised how easy it is to incorporate a big hunk of wild bear meat into a vegan quinoa chickpea salad, or to wrap bacon around small chunks of pineapple. And is it really too much to ask that science develop a watermelon that is full of flank steak instead of whatever watermelon is?" "A number of nutrition scientists and subject-matter experts popular on TikTok and Instagram were selected for the advisory committee and conducted comprehensive scientific street interviews of some really attractive men and women," Danker revealed about the process of developing the new guidelines. "These reviews underwent vigorous internal quality checks, if you know what I mean. Bobby loves that joke. We kid around a lot at HHS and yes, women generally don't feel very comfortable here." The 2026 USDA Food Pyramid, shown here providing expert guidance on the recommended intake of dietary gristles, giblets, and gravies, which is a lot. You should eat a lot of them. Though the updated food pyramid primarily features solid foods, like giant broccoli and loose coffee beans, that is not the only focus. Kennedy, an environmental lawyer with years of experience both eating and drinking, believes that liquid nutrition can be just as important as solid foods and even those canned peas that are really mushy. "Milk is close to the top of the bottom of the pyramid because it contains a number of key nutrients, especially if it's raw and consumed straight from the source in order to fully absorb its vital essence. I actually wanted to just put a picture of a cow udder but everyone else thought it would be too confusing because people might start eating udders."

Brabara Bloodstone Human Psychic Host of The E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker 2025 is in the books and what a year it was. From the publication of research on the discovery of a third kidney to the retraction of the fraudulent study a few months later, there have been more ups and downs than anyone could have ever imagined. And I'm one of the most powerful psychics in Nebraska! 2026 is shaping up to be even more wild. As I accurately predicted on New Year's Eve when I wrote that 2026 would be a big year in politics, Donald Trump has invaded the nation of Venezuela and taken custody of it's autocratic dictator. Who could have seen that one coming other than the woman who helped reunite James Cagney with that old lady from Titanic for a date on Valentine's Day in 2018? That's right...nobody! I'm back today with specific guidance from beyond the veil that separates the living from dead to help all of you make 2026 your best year in decades. Maybe even your best year ever. At least in the top five. And certainly better than 1968. First off, always remember to be yourself. Nobody is better at being you, than you! I'm sensing that sometimes you can be a little shy and hesitant to speak up, while in certain situations you come out of your shell and are the life of the party. Experience each moment and live in it the way that feels true. They key to authentically living your best life is to understand that. Stay active! I've been saying for years that movement is key to achieving goals, and now even the medical establishment agrees. They recommend constant exercise at all times! But listen you your body and take a break when you need it. Balance will be important for you in 2026. I'm hearing from one of your dead relatives, who is a man or a woman with a name that starts with an A, C, E, F, H, L, O, P, R, S, U, T, or W, that you sometimes want to do something and then you do it, though there are also times where you change your mind. I recommend that you explore those feelings of uncertainty by buying my 2006 book, How to Unlock Your Secret Psychic Potential With the Power of Quantum Energy! . There are lots of blank pages for writing down all of your feelings for our 15-minute private virtual psychic counseling session for only $99. Few things will be as important for making 2026 the year of (insert your first name) than a healthy diet. But just eating a bunch of random fruits and vegetables is one of the worst things you can do. Each of you has a highly specific vibrational relationship with certain foods that will unlock their hidden potential. Depending on the frequency locked in at the moment of your conceptions (astral not biological), a carrot could help support immune function, heart health, and vision or cause weeks of plectal (biological not astral) derangement. How do you discover what fruits and vegetables are a match for you frequency? Nothing could be simpler! Just sign up for a year of my nutritional enhancement coaching, which includes 12 virtual sessions and a complete vibrational analysis that can be performed conveniently over the phone, preferably a landline for the best results. And at only $499, you can't afford not to give me money! When I was young, before I was given my immense psychic powers by a magic bird while hiking in the mountains near Sedona, AZ, I would have given anything for this kind of guidance. I was lost, wandered aimlessly from town to town and occasionally solving the problems of the people I would meet along the way, like when I helped a small village fend off an attack by a group of outlaws. Today I am the foremost non-pet psychic and communicator with dead celebrities, I assume in the entire world.