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Culver City, CA - Sony Pictures Entertainment, the parent company of Columbia Pictures, has announced the completion of a reimagining of the beloved 90s comedy Groundhog Day that will focus on the character of Ned Ryerson during the events of the original film. Method actor Rainn Wilson, shown here as Ned Ryerson, refused to break character for nearly three years, and even obtained an insurance license in Pennsylvania "The original Groundhog Day was great and it connected with a lot of people," Sony Pictures Chairman Tony Vinciquerra explained. "But it left a lot of unanswered questions, and I think people will be interested in what we've come up with here." Groundhog Day was one of the highest grossing movies of 1993, and it garnered widespread critical acclaim. The original was centered on the perspective of one character, Bill Murray's cynical weatherman Phil Connors. In the new film, the focus will shift to that of Ned Ryerson, the enigmatic insurance salesman played by actor Stephen Tobolowsky, who will make a cameo as Ryerson's alcoholic father. Over the years, the character of Ned Ryerson has developed somewhat of a cult following and has been featured in a number of fan written short stories, ebooks, and webisodes. Actor Rainn Wilson, who was picked to play Ryerson in the update, has been uncharacteristically quiet when asked about script details, but didn't send us home completely empty handed. "So get this. Ned is stuck in his own time loop and he's on the run from the Time Force. He knew about what was going on with Phil the whole time but didn't want to blow his cover. Bing!" A photo taken on the set of Groundhog Day: Ned vs. the Time Force showing members of the Time Force watching helplessly as Phil Connors kidnaps Punxsutawney Phil during the Gobbler's Knob Groundhog day celebration But who is behind the time loop? Is it the Time Force, or are they merely trying to fix the problem and restore order? What is Larry the cameraman hiding? And what happens to the minds of the people who are forced to replay the same day over and over again without awareness or the ability to retain new memories and skills? Do they slowly become insane? Are the events of the film even real at all, or are Ned and Phil simply a glitch in the program running a computer simulation designed to solve some great mystery? And if so, who designed that program? Is it aliens? Is Phil really God or just a god? These are the questions that were raised but largely ignored by the original film.

Philadelphia, PA - Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania's School of Dental Medicine have announced the development of nanobot technology that may soon replace your toothbrush, floss, and mouthwash for daily dental hygiene. Small children, such as the one shown here opening wide and not acting like a little shit, are perfect candidates for assimilation into the Collective "These nanobots are truly an incredible advance in dental science," Rod Humboldt, a researcher in Penn's Division of Applied Robotics and Stank Breath Prevention explained. "A microscopic swarm of shapeshifting marvels, once in the oral cavity and controlled by a magnetic field, can form into bristles that scour the entire surface of the tooth to remove even the toughest biofilms, with hardly any of them entering the circulation and depositing themselves in the host's brain." The earliest form of dental hygiene technology consisted of small twigs with frayed ends according to dental hygiene historian Glint Ranshey:  "These "chew sticks" were discovered by European explorers just sitting there among the remains of an ancient Mesopotamian culture that probably didn't even know how to use them correctly. There have been many updates over the years. Twigs were replaced with bone and then celluloid. And horsehair bristles that were all the rage a couple hundred years ago were replaced by synthetic nylon."  The shape or angle of the handle that the bristles are attached to has also evolved significantly since the days before primitive, and almost certainly cavity-ridden peoples, were rescued from their reliance on frayed twigs by their European saviors. But the simple design of the modern toothbrush has been essentially stagnant for decades, until now. And don't get me started on dental floss, which has been pretty stupid, for like forever.  With the development of powerful nanobots as a replacement of the toothbrush, we are truly entering the next generation of dental care. Dr. Harkanis Krane, a professor in Penn's Department of Community Dental Health and Total Societal Dominion, revealed that one of the biggest benefits of using these nanobots to clean the teeth is their adaptability. "As we've shown in studies using both synthetic materials and some teeth we bought from homeless people, these little guys eliminate the biofilms that can lead to tooth decay and gum disease even on crooked teeth, and dentists will have complete control over the entire process." In addition to the abrasive action of the nanobots, they are also proving to have antibacterial properties when introduced into the mouth. Each tiny robot, which is invisible to the naked eye and small enough to attach to individual neurons in the frontal lobe, produces free radicals that kill the pathogenic bacteria linked to cavity formation. And the entire process can be controlled by your dentist remotely, freeing up valuable time in your day for the consumption of goods and obedient service to the Collective. There is no need for fear in the Collective. Dr. Steve will be doing all your thinking for you. You are safe and you are loved. Don't resist. This is what's best. Historically, dental hygiene technology hasn't been developed with people with disabilities in mind. Nanobot technology puts oral health on a more even playing field, and that is something that is very important to Krane and the team at Penn. "It really is an effortless process that anyone can benefit from. All you have to do is relax, let the nanobots do their thing, and then simply follow the instructions you will begin to receive. Don't fight it. It'll be much easier if you just do what you are told." But is this revolutionary and safe technology really safe? Yes! So far, not one participant in the preclinical trials has complained of any side effects. And many, like Human Test Subject #17, are leading more satisfying lives after a session with the nanobots. "I am no longer afraid. I am no longer alone. I am one with the Collective and no longer burdened by the many choices I faced in the past, such what to eat, what to wear, or who to vote for. I am one with the Collective and I am loved."

Los Angeles, CA - The team behind the recently released psychological horror film The Woman in the Yard has announced plans to place more emphasis on the front porch in the sequel. Behind the scenes footage of The Women at the Park , a prequel to The Woman in the Yard in production outside of Atlanta "Yes, Sam is working on a script for the sequel and a prequel is already in production," The Woman in the Yard director Jaume Collet-Serra explained, referring to writer Sam Stefanak. "We feel like the first movie took the yard as far as it could go, and there is just something so mysterious and so terrifying about that porch which we feel really has to be explored in the future." The sequel, tentatively titled Look Out, She's On the Porch Now! , is expected to hit theaters in early 2026 and will again be produced by Blumhouse Productions and distributed by Universal Pictures. According to Blumhouse founder Jason Blum, the porch was both a natural next step for the Women in Places franchise and where the first film's inertia truly seems to be pulling both the woman and the audience. "A porch is a covered area, usually with a roof, usually attached to the front of a building, and often acting as a transition between two realities, the outside and the inside. Sometimes there is a swing and maybe a few potted plants. The script practically writes itself!"

Washington, D.C. - After many hours of tense negotiations among the Republican-majority House on Tuesday, Speaker Mike Johnson successfully convinced a few hesitant party members to help narrowly pass a GOP budget plan that includes the shutting down of a popular federally funded service for elderly dementia patients. Indiana dementia patient Madame Snugglepaws and her kitten Eileen Milton, shown here just prior to being incinerated in a government efficiency processing center "I enjoy a kitten as much as the next guy," Johnson explained to a crowd of White House-approved journalists after the vote. "And I understand that this service is inexpensive, popular, and proven in multiple studies to improve the lives of these people. Still...we are getting rid of it." The GOP plan was passed by a vote of 217-215 after holdouts like Indiana representative Victoria Spartz were swayed by the proposal to do away with the "Kittens for Grandma" service. According to Spartz, this is a big win for Americans looking to prevent the creep of government control into all aspects of society. "This isn't about the kittens, which are adorable and I'm sure very, very comforting for patients who are suffering from Alzheimer's. This is about taking this country back from the socialists who want to do away with core American values."

Washington, D.C. - After several weeks of global anxiety over a possible asteroid impact in 2032, the Earth is now considered safe thanks to decisive intervention from President Trump. President Trump, shown here demonstrating to a crowd of reporters where the large space rock might have come from if he hadn't stepped in. "People were saying that a large rock from the sky could have caused a lot of damage to one of our great American cities like Tampa or even Michigan," President Trump explained during a press conference yesterday. "But today I can tell you that because of my bold action to secure the borders of this planet, you are safe. And you will continue to be protected from any and all threats coming from the cosmos while I am in charge. I'm basically an Avenger." Asteroid 2024 YR4, first discovered in December and nicknamed the "Biden Boulder" by Trump, was at one point believed to have a 1 in 32 chance of colliding with the Earth where the estimated 164-foot could have leveled a large city or even two medium-sized cities located very close to each other. According to Trump, that chance is now essentially zero. "This is just another Biden mess I had to clean up. But Elon is a pretty smart guy, and I asked him 'Why don't you just shoot a rocket at it?' so that's what he did. And today Grok calculated an impact probability of 0.005%, and my approval rating is at 99.995%."

Culver City, CA - After months of uncertainty over who would have creative control of the franchise, a deal between Amazon's MGM Studios and "James Bond" rights holders Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli was announced this week, paving the way for President Trump to assume the role. President Trump, shown here at his fundraiser for taking kittens away from elderly dementia patients preparing to fight evil SWAMP mastermind LeSchiffre . "This is one of the most popular and resilient film franchises in entertainment history," Amazon founder and executive chairman Jeff Bezos explained. "I can't think of anyone better suited to filling the shoes of Daniel Craig than our president, who knows a thing or two about popularity and resilience and has a similar muscular physique. They won't even have to buy new tuxedos" The deal will give Amazon the opportunity to be in the driver's seat when it comes to all major creative decisions moving forward. According to Bezos, there was a lot more involved than merely choosing a virile alpha male that could play the lead role for decades because he is so healthy. "We also wanted someone with a mandate from the people to take on the evils of DEI, open borders, transgender ideology, and windmills."

Washington, D.C. - During a Fox News interview last night, President Trump once again attacked the previous administration over a COVID-19 prevention policy that he feels was invasive and excessive. President Trump, shown here explaining to a credulous Jake Tapper where babies come from. "Biden was a total disaster," Trump explained. "From the DEI in our military to the forced masking of babies before they are even born in order to prevent a virus. Can you believe it, a virus in babies? Nobody has ever heard of a baby, just weeks old in the womb, catching a cold, it's just a cold. Come on!" Though perhaps the most vocal critic of prenatal masking, Trump is not alone in his condemnation of the Biden White House's draconian approach to preventing the spread of COVID-19. According to Republican congressman Jim Jordan, mandatory fetal masking is only one thing for conservative voters to be angry about. "We can never let things go back to the way they were. These woke doctors were forcing unborn twins to be six feet apart. That's too far!" In order to ensure that all babies, born or otherwise, are protected from unproven and potentially dangerous interventions, Trump announced that he will be signing an executive order this week to tackle this important issue. "I call it Protecting Fetus Face Freedom and it's a beautiful order. No babies anywhere will have to wear a mask before they are even born. I met with historians yesterday and they said that President Washington and Lincoln couldn't sign a better executive order."

La Jolla, CA- As millions of lonely Americans face an uncertain future, many are experiencing increased anxiety over the prospect of living through their remaining years alone. A revolutionary new dating service harnessing the power of neurotechnology is hoping to step in and relieve those fears. 35% of toilet deaths occur on the job according to a recent CDC study "Recent surveys have revealed that the second most common death-related fear in men, coming in just behind dying on the toilet at work, is dying alone," romance researcher Rex Remington revealed. "And women aren't any less worried and lonely, with 95% citing failure to find a suitable partner before the prophesied apocalypse as their biggest fear." Despite the seemingly infinite variety of online dating sites and smartphone applications catering to both general and niche markets, single men and women are finding it increasingly difficult to find meaningful and lasting relationships as the democracy they grew up in crumbles around them. There is a significant demand for better accuracy when it comes to matching service predictions of potential passion, but efficiency is also a must as modern couples look to fit the transition from premarital life to permanent partnership into a busy schedule of work and learning how to hide from roaming Republican enforcement squads. Advances in modern neuroimaging technology, such as functional MRI (fMRI) brain scanning, may soon help thousands to make that true love connection. Experts at the Scripps Dating Research Institute in La Jolla believe that the ability to unlock the brain's hidden secrets plays a key role in finding a perfect match. According to Dr. Remington, fMRI technology measures the activity of the brain by measuring changes in blood flow. "Areas that are more active receive more flow, allowing patterns of activation to be interpreted and, in the case of attempting to find true love, matched for compatibility. Nothing else provides this kind of precision when it comes to pairing two soulmates screaming desperately into the void as everything they care about in this world falls apart." In order to put the new process to the test, Scripps dating researchers asked study subjects a variety of questions about their lifestyle, interests, and feelings about a range of topics such as religion and child rearing preferences while undergoing fMRI scanning. Patterns of brain activation were put through a patented matchmaking algorithm and a match was found. And so far, the results have been nothing short of amazing. "Out of our first ten test pairings, we've had two marriages, a one-night stand, and a nice long chat," Remington explained. "And only two of the pairings ended in a ritual murder suicide pact." Scripps plans on bringing the service to market this Summer under the name Intimate Connections.

Austin, TX - Defying pro-choice critics from across the galaxy, Texas Governor Gregg Abbott signed the controversial "chestburster" bill into law earlier today at the capitol building in Austin. Governor Abbott, shown here using a pen he borrowed from an intern with no intention of ever returning it, says that anyone interfering with the xenomorph life cycle faces up to 10 years in prison. "In Texas, all life is sacred," Abbott explained during a press conference held after the signing. "And it begins at implantation of a xenomorph embryo into the human esophagus, just like God intended. The Engineers may not believe in the sanctity of all life on Planet 4, but we do right here in the Lone Star State." Opponents of the new law claim that it violates a host's right to bodily autonomy, and hundreds of protesters outside the capital today could be heard shouting during the press conference. According to pro-choice advocates, like human woman Jean Samuelson, all species deserve the right to privacy. "The choice to attempt a surgical removal of a developing stage 3 xenomorph or to be painlessly euthanized is between a patient and their surgeon or MedPod." A newly erupted xenomorph (name pending, but probably something cute like Chompy), shown here enjoying a meaningful existence. Both proponents of the new law and protesters agree that there are risks in allowing a xenomorph to fully mature inside of a host's chest cavity. During the press conference, however, Governor Abbott focused on the positive aspects of seeing the process through to eruption. "Yes, there are some risks for the human host. But when a baby chestburster flees to find a secure location in which to molt into their adult form, you are witnessing one of God's miracles of creation."

Houston, TX- When Bamanda Ellis delivered her first baby at one of the premiere academic birthing centers in the country, the last thing she expected was to be discharged home without her child. But instead of driving off with a car seat full of hopes and dreams for the future, Bamanda and her husband Tab had a tracking number and a promise to be notified as soon as their baby was found. Their child had joined a growing number of newborns being lost in hospital pneumatic tube systems across the United States. "Seeing those little bastards fly by just makes my day." -Fred Grimley, Facility Engineer at Cleveland's Hospital for Mothers, Babies, Etc. Pneumatic tube systems are a standard technology in large healthcare facilities. When seconds count, rapid and reliable delivery of blood products, tissue samples, medications, and patients weighing less than 3 kilograms can literally save lives. But according to a recently published report from the Office of the Surgeon General, 7% of newborns are lost in these popular delivery systems every year, the majority of which were born prematurely or at a low birthweight for their gestational age. "It might take a nurse or transport team ten to fifteen minutes to move a critically ill baby from point A to point B in this facility," Neep Gunderstone, an expert in neonatal logistics at Texas Children's Pavilion for Women. "The sooner that a lifesaving intervention can be initiated, the better the outcomes tend to be. And in the rare cases where a neonate is lost, they have usually just been tubed to the wrong station and we typically find them within 3-5 business days." Though a common practice in large neonatal intensive care units and nurseries, "tubing" newborns is not without its critics. According to the most recent United States Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, MD, this century-old technology needs to be updated before being used to transport patients. "Frankly, it's embarrassing. I kept telling them not to use the tubes for that but nobody listened. Maybe they will now that he's in charge, and when he picks Hannibal Lecter to be my replacement. Thankfully the story of the Ellis family has a happy ending. Their child was eventually found in the radiology reading room and returned to the worried parents. And according to the relieved mother, there may be a surprising silver lining. "I know he's just a week old, but I think he really learned a lot down there. Just imagine, my baby...a radiologist."

Editorial by Robert F. Kennedy Jr RFK Jr., shown here ready to take on today's modern health problems, like adrenal fatigue and kids not having the opportunity to benefit from paralysis or subacute sclerosing panencephalitis I'm fed up with corporations treating American citizens like ATM machines. Whether it's Monsanto putting fish genes in my tapioca pudding or scientists growing human organs inside of abortions, regular folks like me and Joe Rogan are forced to live out our lives afraid of the food we put in our bodies. And if the harmful chemicals aren't coming from right here in the United States, products imported from other countries fill in the gaps, making every meal feel like a high stakes game of Chinese Backgammon. That's the one with the gun, right? The latest example comes from the billion dollar vitamin and supplement industry. It's terrifying to think that the products people turn to for immune boosting and liver detoxification are often full of dangerous metals and acids. I've found that there are measurable levels of ascorbic acid, folic acid and even pantothenic acid in many products. In addition to these hard to pronounce acids, a number of products also contain metals like iron, copper, zinc and nickel. We aren't robots! Robots eat metal for food! These brazen companies put the dangerous ingredients right on the label for all to see because they think that they are untouchable. As the future head of the Department of Health and Human Services, I've got some news for them! Once confirmed, only supplements personally endorsed and sold by me will be available for sale in the United States. Look for the bottle with my face on it! What is so bad about acid in your vitamins or supplements? Acids have corrosive properties and are often used for industrial processes such as removing rust from metal. That's probably why they are included in the vitamins, so that they don't rust from all of the metal in them. Acids are also a major component of batteries. Would you eat a battery? I wouldn't, because I'm not a robot and I've got the brain MRI to prove it. My brain is all organic and 99.9% human! Some acids are used to make non-organic fertilizers or even as an ingredient in soft drinks, which are a known contributor to diabetes and AIDS. When an acid is mixed with alcohol, it makes an ester, one of which is nitroglycerin. That's right, vitamins and supplements are essentially time bombs waiting to explode! Just like the ones that brought down the Twin Towers! I don't know why the vitamin and supplement industry purposefully wants to harm us by putting such dangerous chemicals in their products. But I'm not surprised because this is what happens when profits are a motivating force. It's probably cheaper to just fill a capsule with metals and acid instead of healthy ingredients like unpasteurized milk and bear cub liver.  That baby bear was dead when I found it! But you don't have to be helpless. You can fight back and WE CAN WIN! How? Sign my online petition today and let your voice be heard. Congress and the Supreme Court can't ignore the people who vote for them! Let your senator know that you want to Make America Healthy Again!

New York City - If approved, the new drug Manorgamax will likely make billions for its developer and is poised to revolutionize the male sexual experience at a time when men really need a win. Dr. Mort Fishman, shown here mid-orgasm, recommends that anyone interested in experiencing a mind-blowing climax with the help of Manorgamax should have all their affairs in order "We expect that Manorgamax will be a game changer for men," Pfizer Chairman and CEO Albert Bourla explained. "And after the past few thousand years, we are long overdue for catching a break. Achieve your max with Manorgamax!" Since phase 1 trials began in early 2023, stories of stronger and more emotionally satisfying orgasms linked to Manorgamax have been making the rounds. And some physicians, like men's health specialist Mort Fishman say that it's about time. "There are so many great drugs created for the benefit of women, like oral contraceptives, vaginal lubricants and estrogen creams, and when their husbands take Viagra. Finally, after all these years, there is something just for us." If you are a man who is less satisfied with your orgasm than you feel you deserve, and you want up to 5-7% more sexual enjoyment in bed, talk to your doctor about Manorgamax or just order it online from Hims ®, DudePills.com ®, or PharMANcy Express®. Manorgamax isn't for everyone, however. It should not be taken by anyone who is not ready for an explosion of ecstasy from a cardiovascular fitness perspective, as a third of study participants died from an extreme penile satisfaction-induced heart attack. Manorgamax is expected to cost $7,000 per orgasm but will be covered by all insurance plans including Medicare. Men without insurance automatically qualify for a federal assistance program that will be funded by taxpayers, but just the women. It's the least that they can do.