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Boston, MA - The "harvest moon", sometimes known as the "barley moon" or "corn puddin' moon", is the full moon nearest to the autumnal equinox and, at least historically, has been a welcome celestial event for farmers working to complete the year's harvest. But the harvest moon that occurred on October 6th was also the first supermoon of 2025. Hospitals, and the medical professionals that dedicate their lives to caring for the ill and infirm, are still reeling after a chaotic and deadly night. President Trump, shown here pointing at the sky while warning the country about the dangers of the supermoon in American medical facilities "A supermoon is when a full moon occurs at its nearest point to the Earth," Mort Fishman , a medical doctor and Chief of Lunar Effects in NASA's Space Medicine Division, explained. "This results in a larger and fuller moon with a more powerful impact on human physiology and psychology. I remember one time in residency during a supermoon when a guy seized so hard his head exploded. Yeah, it literally popped like a balloon. There was blood and chunks of brain everywhere!" Stories of gruesome supermoon-related fatalities have been flooding in since Monday night. One hospital in Boise was forced to evacuate after patients in the psychiatry ward escaped and went on a murderous rampage, with one discovered eating a comatose patient in the ICU. A birthing center in Nashville reported at least one fetus clawing its way out of a mother's abdomen and scurrying into the air duct system after killing an obstetrician, two labor nurses, and a doula. Early estimates put the number of these deaths in the thousands. Unfortunately, hospitals will not have much time to recover or to prepare before facing additional hardships. According to Fishman, this was the first of three back-to-back supermoons expected this year. "I'm encouraging hospital administrations to take this threat very seriously. Though nothing is going to keep everyone in the hospital on those nights alive, and some are going to go in a really, really bad way, precautions should be put in place to at least try and keep the bloodshed to a minimum. But I still want people to take some time to go out and look at the moon because it's going to be beautiful."

Waterbury, VT - Officials from the Vermont State Police (VSP) have issued a warning to be on the lookout for limited edition holiday fentanyls that could be flooding craft fairs, farmers markets, and cozy small-town coffee shops across New England this winter. A stylish ceramic serving dish, shown here holding enough candy cane fentanyl to kill every man, woman, and child who plays Christmas music before Thanksgiving in Pittsburgh "Not everyone is going to be a fan of these limited edition fentanyls," VSP Director Matthew T. Birmingham explained. "But some people are going to get really excited about this stuff, especially the one called Pumpkin Spice, and they will probably be pretty obnoxious about it until March." Psychologists have been exploring the roots of the national obsession with certain fall scents and flavors for decades. According to Emerald Sinclair, a social psychologist that consults with police departments around the country, there were fanatics long before Starbucks introduced its Pumpkin Spice Latte in 2003. "People love to be reminded of the changing leaves, time with family, their childhood home, and the joy that this season brings. And those warm feelings of nostalgia will be the last thing they experience as the fentanyl kicks in and their brain begins to shut down from a lack of oxygen."

Paradise Valley, AZ - An unfortunate clerical Error made by American Civil Liberties Union of Arizona staff has resulted in a Paradise Valley man's life being destroyed because of an accidental cancellation. Flexington, shown here outraged over his accidental cancellation while attending a Wine and Cheese fundraiser for The Heritage Foundation in Scottsdale "My life is ruined," Chip Flexington revealed. "These liberals really need to be more careful. Other than my family, friends, job as an architect, respect from my community, three houses, and a legacy country club membership, I've got nothing left. Nothing! Now I know how Elon feels." Cancellation, once a last resort for dealing with people deemed unfit for society, is an increasingly common outcome in recent years as societal standards for speech and behavior have become more and more restrictive, especially for people like Flexington who tell it like it is. I remember a time when you could just be honest with people, especially minority groups and poor people, without having to worry about losing your job. And honestly, who is speaking up for all the women who appreciate being complimented on their appearance. Don't they deserve to feel special? According to comedian Louis C.K., who was unable to do some of the things he really wanted to do after acknowledging that numerous allegations of sexual misconduct over a span of three decades were true, believes that in some cases the punishment outweighs the crime. "The bar for being cancelled is getting lower and lower every year. They came after me for just masturbating in front of a few unwilling women and sexually assaulting a potted plant, and my career was definitely a bit held back for a few months. It really took an emotional toll. Frankly, I'm not sure how I would have gotten through it without the support from several male comedy legends and my thousands of fans."

Davenport, IA - According to a recently published survey, virtually no American chickens are receiving regular chiropractic care despite recommendations from leading experts in the field of complementary and alternative veterinary healthcare . Dr. Grimes, shown here treating a chicken suffering from total spinal collapse (Accordion syndrome) "These results are extremely disappointing," Chiropractor Frank Grimes explained. "This means there are more than 9 billion chickens at risk of developing long-term health problems related to spinal subluxations and interference with the optimal function of their nervous system. And that we certainly have a ways to go if we want to achieve the Healthy Poultry 2030 objective of 70%." The survey of poultry farmers from across the United States was published in Online Publishing Module 269,215: Integrative Spine Health, Farm Animals this week and provides chiropractors, acupuncturists, small animal naturopaths, and a few veterinarians the most comprehensive understanding of alternative chicken health since a landmark roundtable discussion near the 1986 Nebraska State Fair. Grimes, who has been treating chickens with spine problems in Belvidere, Nebraska for over a decade, says that there is an intimate link between chicken and human health. "A healthy food supply is an important component of a healthy population. You wouldn't eat a pig with storchus, or a turnip with root grimp. Right?"

Lafayette, LA- Despite a weekend training course and several weeks of real world experience in the use of hand puppets and key jingling, JCPenney photographer JoAnne Milton was unable to stop 3-month-old Jessica Ayer's crying long enough to take a family portrait earlier today. Jessica Ayers, shown here just prior to becoming a vessel for the Dark Lord Satan "I just don't know what happened in there," Ms. Milton explained to a select panel of government officials and representatives from the Catholic church gathered in the nearby housewares department. "That baby wasn't responding to anything. Not even Cuddly Bear. It's like she's some kind of demon or something. It isn't right, that's for sure!" Though not the first time that Satan, or some lesser demon, has taken over the body of a child in a department store, some experts are calling this the most serious case of possession in decades. Clinical demonologist, Dr. Mort Fishman, has been involved in the diagnosis and management of several reported cases. "I was called in one time when a kid smeared feces all over the Easter Bunny at a Sears in Spokane. Not an Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny." After a thorough investigation by store management, and a conference call with Vatican leadership, JCPenney chairman Ronald Tysoe will decided what the next course of action will be. Store manager Ray Geddes was unwilling to speculate as to whether the Ayer's would receive a full cash refund or store credit, however he did state that "First and foremost we are worried about that baby's soul, but I have faith in the wisdom of our chairman...and the Pope."

Itasca, IL - A group of pediatric philosophers and psychologists with the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Section on Breastfeeding (SOBr) are recommending an update to the Apgar score system used to assess the health of newborns immediately after birth, with the hope of increasing focus on infant bonding. A newborn human, shown here screaming into the void of a seemingly meaningless existence even as he yearns desperately for the slightest sense of connection to something greater than himself "Historically the Apgar score has been used to provide a snapshot of how a newborn tolerated the birthing process and how they responded to any required resuscitation from a physical perspective," Jasmine Viator, an infant bonding expert and breastfeeding philosopher, explained. "But we have learned a lot about the newborn experience since the 1950s, so an update that takes into account the fundamental nature of their knowledge, reality, and existence is long overdue." First developed by Dr. Virginia Apgar in 1952, the scoring system that still carries her name as a helpful backronym inspired mnemonic involves the assessment of five key clinical components: Appearance - an infant's color as a surrogate marker of oxygen delivery to the tissues Pulse - an infant's heart rate Grimace - an infant's response to stimulation Activity - an infant's muscle tone Respiration - an infant's ability to breathe spontaneously Since the development of the scoring system, the science of newborn health has expanded significantly. According to Mort Fishman, MD, a pioneer in the field of neonatal psychiatry, the development of the infant psyche is intimately bound to health outcomes such as the risk of early-onset sepsis and hyperbilirubinemia. "Infant bonding, both to the mother and to the society into which the child is born, is an incredibly important foundational step in the process." "Feelings of dread and anxiety directly oppose the development of infant bonding," Fishman revealed. "Unlike non-human animals that rely on pure instinct to navigate their existence, the newborn human is faced with a profound and unique freedom of choice. It is the awareness of undefined possibilities and the heavy responsibility of choice that results in anxiety to varying degrees, though debilitating angst is still usually the mother's fault." In order to increase the early detection of newborn angst, and to respond effectively with measures aimed at building a sense of confidence and trust, Fishman and his colleagues are recommending adding a second "A" to the Apgar scoring system mnemonic. "We haven't decided yet if a determination of newborn angst should take place before or after assessing for the possibility of lung disease or a heart defect. They are both so important."

Lausanne, Switzerland- Based on a recently completed scientific assessment of 3rd generation kinesiology tapes increasingly used by elite athletes, as well as the advanced taping techniques developed since their introduction at the 2012 Summer Olympics, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) is considering a total ban of the performance enhancing tapes. Haphazard application of modern kinesiology tape will be the leading cause of death and loss of limb in elite athletes according to (remember to get the name of that expert from Jim). "This is an issue that the committee was taking very seriously long before start of the games in Paris and the unfortunate maiming of an American shot putter," IOC President Dr. Thomas Bach explained. "Progress in taping technology over the past 12 years has caught us all a little off guard. None of us want another Wheaties situation on our hands, and we certainly don't want any more Olympians becoming Paralympians because of haphazard taping." Most fans of the games are familiar with kinesiology tape, particularly after widespread use emerged during the 2012 London Summer Olympics. More primitive versions of kinesiology tape, and the rudimentary applications at the time, primarily served to aid in muscle recovery by improving lymphatic drainage and reducing inflammation. The latest applications actually appear to enhance athletic performance beyond what would have otherwise been humanly possible and is almost certainly what allowed so many unexpected results in Tokyo three years ago, such as Larry Anderson's performance in the tetrahedrathon that smashed the previous world record by 11 quods. The IOC-funded study found that modern kinesiology taping methods, which work by applying gentle traction to the tissue around muscles along a specific kinetic chain, results in performances far exceeding an individual competitor's innate potential. According to Dirk LaGrange, a Certified Kinesio Taping Practitioner, so-called "power taping" is clearly dangerous in the wrong hands. "Inexperienced trainers, sometimes even the athletes themselves, are applying tape that is now 180% more elastic with tighter weaving and stronger adhesive capability. Someone was bound to lose an arm."

Arlington, VA- The Infectious Diseases Society of America (IDSA) has issued a new set of guidelines for the prevention of hospital acquired-infections that includes the recommendation that all hospitals transition to single-use therapy dogs by 2030. Single-use therapy dog and good boy, Thomas Cavendish, shown here mere moments before being incinerated to reduce hospital infection rates and methane emissions "The IDSA understands and appreciates the joy that a visit from a therapy dog can bring to a hospitalized patient," IDSA President Steven Schmitt, MD explained. "Our new guidelines allow for both high quality infection control and snuggling with an adorable canine companion. In fact, that's one of our core values." While the majority of American hospitals do not currently use disposable therapy dogs, some have been stocking them for years. Mort Fishman MD , Chief of Infection Control and Prevention at Our Lady of the Bloated Coffers Regional Medical Center in Lafayette, Louisiana, initiated a move to single-use dogs in 2022. "It cost us $73 million to expand storage and upgrade disposal capabilities, but it was worth it after that unfortunate autoclave incident." Some critics of the program are citing environmental concerns. According to Fishman, single-use therapy dogs do increase a hospital's carbon footprint. "As with most problems, however, finding a compromise is important. If desired, patients can opt out of the single-use program and snuggle with our multi-use dog Chet as long as they sign a waiver. But he's a farter."

Miami, Fl - Experts with the Miami Police Department are reaching out to parents and teachers of young children to raise awareness of pediatric excited delirium, a potentially dangerous condition often associated with ingestions of powerful stimulants. Miami baby Gary Peterson, shown here developing fructose-induced excited delirium and just prior to being shot by the police "We aren't talking about your average run-of-the-mill toddler tantrums," Corporal Chad Blaze , a developmental psychologist and founding member of the MPD Pediatric Behavioral Dysregulation Unit, better known by its RACE KAR acronym, explained. "It's simple. Recognize agitation. Control the environment. Ketamine and restraints. Our mascot is a little talking Camaro that the kids just love once they regain consciousness." RACE KAR unit members are called to any scene involving an agitated toddler and are highly trained in the early recognition of excited delirium, a dangerous state involving the sudden onset of bizarre and even aggressive behavior. According to Blaze, the risk of pediatric excited delirium is higher when large groups of toddlers are exposed to substances laced with chemicals like glucose, fructose, and sucrose. "I've seen children who are usually pretty calm start running around, shouting, and refusing to follow basic instructions or even a lawful time out order. But with the restraints in place and the drugs on board, I stop feeling threatened."

Montgomery, AL - According to a recently published study, giving birth does not result in an increased need for sleep. Birthing Unit # 19,251,450 "Jennifer", shown here happily fulfilling her righteous duty on 1-2 hours of sleep per night "Women in general simply don't need that much sleep," Charp Ullman, Chief of Science at God's Judgement Center for Biblical Truth explained. "And we have proven with this study that childbirth doesn't change that fact, so they should all just stop worrying their pretty little heads about it." The study, published this week in Online Publishing Module 17,809: Conservative Men's Women's Health Weekly , calls into question a number of beliefs about a woman's body promoted by some healthcare professionals. According to Ullman, the results were expected and inspiring. "Women, and especially mothers, are amazing. They do so much for society by having and raising our babies, and now they can rest easy knowing that they don't actually need to rest."

Cambridge, MA- Researchers near the Department of Materials Science and Engineering at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology held a press conference today to discuss the development and possible applications of gluten-free medical examination gloves. A physician, let's just call him Steve, shown here donning a pair of gluten-free gloves before performing a routine plectal scraping on a patient suffering from tertiary grimp "Gluten intolerance is a serious and increasingly common problem, and for years medical practitioners have been forced to wear examination gloves that put patient health at risk," lead researcher Pauline Aliana explained. "Ten years and half a billion dollars later, we can say with pride that these gloves contain absolutely no wheat, no spelt, no barley, and not even a trace of rye!" Unlike patients with Celiac disease, an autoimmune condition where exposure to gluten causes inflammation of the small intestine in about one percent of the population, a growing number of people are blaming gluten on a host of vague physical and psychological complaints. Irritable bowels, headaches, fibromyalgia, chronic irritability, and fatigue are common complaints from people who are worried about gluten. Physicians who care for them, and gluten intolerance advocate groups, have long been waiting for the development of gluten-free medical products to complement the growing number of gluten-free foods such as cauliflower, bottled water, and chicken. Mort Fishman, Director of Questionable Illnesses at the nearby Marino Integrative Health Center, was pleased but also encouraged researchers to look to the future.  "It is nice to have options when working with patients who are cutting gluten out of their lives, but what about WiFi and electromagnetic radiation sensitivity? What about my patients with adrenal fatigue or chronic Lyme? Where are the gloves for them?"

Gulf Breeze, FL - Men all over the United States are growing increasingly frustrated that their unique health concerns , particularly challenges involving penile erections, are being largely ignored by medical research and downplayed by society. Senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate JD Vance, shown here estimating the size of Donald Trump's penis during a speech at the 2024 Republican National Convention "We are sick and tired of being the butt of jokes and having our problems taken less seriously than other people's problems," Jock Manly, president of the Gulf Breeze chapter of Man Awareness Now (MAN) and an outspoken advocate for improvements in erection science, explained. "Why am I unable to have the kind of erection that I deserve, and for as long as I need it?" Manly, who also works as a part time cryptocurrency explainer, is talking about the infamous 4-hour restriction that doctors have set on erections for decades. But according to a MAN position statement authored by Manly and released last month, four hours simply isn't long enough for many men. "We are fed up with these limitations and we are calling for the NIH to dedicate resources to solving this problem. Any further delays are nothing but whatever the opposite of misogyny is."