Washington, D.C. - As the 2024 presidential election nears, and in the wake of the recent release of new downloadable content for the massively popular 2022 action role-playing game Elden Ring , calls for President Biden to release his player build or step down are growing. President Biden, shown here in a recent ABC News interview revealing how many tries it took him to beat The Blade of Miquella while dual-wielding great shields "There are millions of Americans that were too young to vote in 2020 and who will be voting in their first election this November," Grind the Vote spokesperson Clout Jenkins explained. "And a large percentage of these new voters want to know if Biden can put together a rational and complete armor set, and equip the kinds of weapons, talismans, and ashes of war that they can respect and admire for four more years." Since its release in 2022, Elden Ring has won countless industry awards and sold more than 25 million copies. According to Jenkins, the Shadow of the Erdtree addition has reignited a passion among gamers despite a significant increase in difficulty from the base game. "Is Biden still fat rolling around East Limgrave like a noob? Has he even taken down Mohg, Lord of Blood and made his way into The Land of Shadow? How many Scadutree Fragments has he needed to find in order to beat Metyr, Mother of Fingers? We deserve to know!"

Heaven - After a string of high publicity public relations disasters, God, known by some as the Almighty Creator of the universe and benevolent Father of mankind, has turned to Albuquerque life coach Mitchum Vaughn for help in getting his career back on track. Mitchum Vaughn client Santa, shown here making sustainable positive changes to his life in order to prevent career burnout and recover from a nasty divorce "I've been keeping up with the news so I wasn't too surprised when our Lord and Savior came to me for help," Vaughn explained. "Just the recent dengue fever outbreak in Panama alone could cause self-esteem issues in any Supreme Being, especially when a lack of focus and follow-through is to blame. He may be the all-powerful Sustainer of All Things but that doesn't mean He wouldn't benefit from some brutal honesty every once in a while." God, who has been criticized for allowing evil to exist and for giving some kids brain cancer, plans to start small and build up to answering more complicated prayers when he feels ready. "I have to fix myself before I can fix other people, let alone prevent the next mass shooting. But I'm still here. Well, technically I'm everywhere. But that's just it. Maybe I'm stretching myself too thin." Vaughn, who has decided to focus entirely on God for the foreseeable future, did express some concern about an overly aggressive return to answering prayers. "Sure, if you regrow a few limbs the poll numbers are going to look pretty good for a while. But if the Big Guy upstairs overdoes it, He might lose that whole "God works in mysterious ways" angle that has worked well for him in the past."

Glendale, CA - According to the results of a new nationwide survey, more Americans are disclosing a history of sexual assault at Applebee's than at any other casual dining restaurant. An Applebee's customer, shown here smiling after disclosing to her child that she is adopted and enjoying a celebration song from waitstaff "Frankly, we weren't surprised by these findings at all," Applebee's Chief Marketing Officer Joel Yashinsky explained. "Applebee's Neighborhood Grill and Bar is the place to be in the neighborhood, whether that means a place that our guests can count on for a delicious and affordable meal, refreshing and fun drinks, a come-as-your-are welcoming environment, or a supportive environment when choosing to talk to a loved one about an experience with sexual violence." This marks the first time that Applebee's has achieved this distinction after more than 40 years of operation in the United States. According to culinary sociologist Gwenda Ham, this is the result of a shift in the chain's marketing focus over the past several years. "It didn't happen by accident. More than half of their 1,500 locations already have a trained sexual assault counselor on site for Club Applebee's members, and this will likely approach 100% within the next few years." In celebration of the survey results, Applebee's is offering a sexual assault disclosure special offer through the end of September. Yashinsky believes that sexual assault can be a life-altering event that results in feelings of distrust and difficulty forging new relationships. "Because sexual assault is still so stigmatized, victims are less able to reach out for social support than after other types of traumas. They have so many hurdles to jump over, the least we can do is to help them start their week off strong with a juicy, handcrafted burger, secure in the knowledge that they can get a second burger for half price*. *For a limited time at participating locations. Offer valid only on Mondays between 9/2/24 to 9/30/24 for online orders via the Applebee's website or mobile app only. Not valid on third party delivery sites. Limit one burger at half off per transaction. Half off burger must be of equal or lesser value. Not valid with any other offers, coupons, or discounts. Delivery coverage varies by restaurant. Restrictions may apply. © 2024 Applebee's Restaurants LLC.

Boston, MA - Despite having been made available to the public less than a month ago, the sports betting app MegaSports CashFlush has rocketed to the top spot on several online polls. Online betting fan Sean Chad Kennedy Michael and his wife, shown here feeling the extreme rush of losing their child's college fund "We couldn't be happier with the popularity of our product," MegaSports CashFlush CEO Chad Sean Michael Kennedy explained. "We knew that people would be excited for this kind of opportunity, but this excited? Even we were surprised at how comfortable people are just giving us their money with no chance of ever winning, but trust me when I say that we don't care." MegaSports CashFlush users are raving about the many features of the app that allow for a variety of ways to lose money as fast as possible with no chance of ever winning a bet. Some, like Michael Sean Chad Kennedy, a part time day trader from Tampa, are calling it the easiest way to burn through money meant to go towards child support that he's ever experienced. "Every time I sign in I'm just blown away. From the back line to the sideboard, even a straight down parlay, every slap is 100% mush. And they match your first 5 bucks with a reverse slap on even pucks!"

Wellesley, MA - In the fall of 2023, when Esme Clairmont left home on the morning of her first day of 7th grade at Wellesley Middle School, she was a vibrant and beautiful girl who dreamed of one day running her own hair salon and maybe marrying Harry Styles. Excited about the chance to make new friends, and perhaps even to sign up for cheerleading, she was blissfully unaware of how the events of that day would forever change her life. She had left home as a girl, but her school believed that she was secretly a boy born in the wrong body, and they took drastic but legal measures to correct God's error. A 12-year-old boy from Boston, shown here preparing to undergo a multi-staged penectomy with vaginal construction right after taking the MCAS math test last spring "Esme was always such a sweet little girl," Esme's mother, Josephine Clairmont, explained. "She loved wearing dresses and playing with dolls, just like girls are meant to do. She was just so...so normal. I'll never forget when the bus dropped her off that afternoon, with that IV in her arm and all the drains in her pelvis. But it didn't really sink in until a few days later when a nurse from the home health company knocked on our door and said she was there to check my daughter's phalloplasty site for infection." Esme, now reassigned by school administrators as a boy named Ernie, would spend the next several weeks recovering from the gender affirming operation performed at the Wellesley Middle School Outpatient Surgery Annex, which is located in a trailer parked next to the gym. According to Wellesley Middle School principal Geraldine Clump, the school opened the facility last year. "We couldn't have done it without the hard work of the PTA and all the money raised through donations from alumni and the many bake sales, raffles, and read-a-thons held over the past few years. Trivia night was a real success!" In an effort to prevent other young children from being reassigned to a different gender by their school without parental consent, Esme's parents are speaking out about their experience. They are hoping that the laws will be changed. And they recently got some encouraging news. Donald Trump, the author, real estate developer, reality television star, and presidential candidate is weighing in. He is making this issue a top priority and working to educate voters, many of which may not even know that this is happening and that it is completely legal in all 50 states and the District of Columbia. During a recent campaign event, Trump announced cogent and specific policy goals should he win in November: Can you imagine you're a parent and your son leaves the house and you say, Jimmy, I love you so much. Go have a good day in school. And your son comes back with a brutal operation. The school decides what's going to happen with your child. Can you even imagine this? What the hell is wrong with our country? A year after his surgery at school, Ernie is still struggling to accept his new identity. He often finds himself wondering why it happened. "One of my teachers had asked me if I liked the Barbie movie and I said not really. Is that why they did this to me? Is it my fault or Kamala's? I'm getting top surgery on Tuesday during recess either way." Vice-President Harris has yet to address this important issue. That's suspicious, right? I mean, I feel like she should. What is she hiding?

Battle Creek, MI - The alarming findings of a 5-year study performed by scientists at the Kellogg Research Institute for Scientific Progress (KRISP) were released today, revealing that a large percentage of Americans consume diets that are dangerously deficient in fudge. A fudge distribution line in Swaziland "The conclusions from this study are are pretty compelling," spokesperson Ernie Keebler explained from the KRISP research facility housed in a magical hollowed out tree. "If something isn't done about this now, the children of today stand a good chance of being the first generation in modern times to not fully realize the smooth, creamy, and wholesome goodness of high quality fudge." Based on the KRISP study findings, Congress is now considering new laws aimed at combating this growing threat. According to Alabama's junior senator Katie Britt, researchers have found fudge levels in some regions of the United States that are typically only seen in third world countries. "There are a lot of good ideas on the table, but the two front runners are fudge fortified cereals and water fudgidation." Water fudgidation is the process of adding fudge to the water supply in order to bring joy and a feeling of decadence, or in some cases nostalgia, to people living in a community. Keebler believes that an optimal level of fudge in drinking water is around 3 to 7 ounces per liter. "We are still working on how to achieve that level without compromising flow rates through existing water and sewage infrastructures. This is a science still in its infancy." Some critics are speaking out, however, citing the potential for unforeseen health hazards. Hakan Zor, Chief Operations officer at HARIBO of America, worries that excessive focus on fudge levels in the blood will distract from other health parameters that are just as important. "I just don't believe the data because fudge is everywhere. But there is no gummy in groundwater. There is no gummy in the ocean. And growing kids need gummy!"

Philadelphia, PA - From the very beginning of the first debate between presidential candidates Donald Trump and Kamala Harris, it was obvious that something historic was happening. President Trump, shown here towering over the diminutive Harris as he establishes dominance prior to the debate, and giving her one final chance to avoid embarrassment by conceding defeat "It was an impressive performance from the former president," Republican strategist Mark Grogan explained. "He landed the first hard blow when he expressed concern for our nation's pets. People love their dogs and cats like family and this is a man who understands the meaning of both those words. Love AND family. Harris never recovered after that." Even some of Trump's most vocal opponents, who I assume are real people and not just Trump using a fake accent over the phone, are admitting how masterful his debate performance was. Self-proclaimed chronic Trump derangement syndrome sufferer, and wealthy elite transgender dog groomer, Vanderbilt Carmichael III, realizes how Harris fell right into Trump's trap. "He was definitely playing 5D Chutes and Ladders, and Kamala is right at the top of that really long chute where she is going to fall down perhaps 50 or maybe even 60 of those squares, which is, by the way, what all the polls are saying I, I mean he, won the debate by."

Skillman, NJ - American consumer health company Kenvue Inc., maker of the popular Band-Aid line of adhesive bandages, has announced that a new version incorporating the healing benefits of kinesiology tape will soon hit store shelves. Test subject #172, "Becky", shown here being euthanized after an early prototype of the Band-Aid TUG 'N HEAL™ caused minor chafing to skin surrounding a cut "The hardest part was figuring out how to combine the technologies safely," Kenvue CEO Thibaut Mongon explained. "You might think that adhesive bandages and adhesive tape are pretty much the same thing, but they really aren't. And I can show you the piles of dead test monkeys that prove it! Seriously, do you want to see them? Okay, okay, usually you people want to see the dead monkeys." Kenvue is claiming that the new Band-Aid TUG 'N HEAL™ adhesive bandages represent the future of the wound care industry. According to Dr. Mort Fishman, the Director of Research and Clinical Applications at Kenvue, these sterile and 100% waterproof bandages were rigorously tested and demonstrated a significant improvement in healing time compared to several other products. "We beat Scotch and Duck tape by literal days. The secret is the adhesoelastic properties that work so well for kinesiology tape in the management of musculoskeletal injuries, erectile dysfunction, and hypertrophic cardiomyopathy." By gently, yet powerfully, lifting the skin and subcutaneous tissue surrounding a minor wound, cut, or scrape, Band-Aid TUG 'N HEAL™ bandages improve blood flow to, and lymphatic drainage from, the injury while also absorbing drainage and blocking germs. Fishman, who is currently using one of the bandages he helped to develop on a deep fingernail wound to his right forearm, says that the product unlocks the body's natural healing power. "Oh, this? Monkey got me. He's at the top of the pile if you want to see it. No? Your loss."

Belvidere, NE - When Belvidere taxidermist, and Diet Dr. Pepper enthusiast, Duane Frierson took part in a blinded taste test comparing his favorite brand and Diet Dr. Shasta today, the last thing he expected was for his life to be irrevocably changed. Wine lover Hanz Jacobson, shown here participating in a blinded tasting with friends and mere seconds before the tragic murder-suicide that would tear this quiet neighborhood apart at the seams "I didn't wake up thinking that I was going to realize I've been living a lie all these years," Frierson explained. "But if I don't know something as important as which cola beverage I prefer, then how do I truly know anything at all about myself? Do I even like being a taxidermist? Do I really love my family? Has my entire life been a charade?" This isn't the first time that consumer marketing research has resulted in unforeseen outcomes for participants. According to National Beverage Corp. CEO Nick Caporella, forcing people to evaluate themselves without interference from all of the hangups and bias built up over a lifetime can reveal some pretty hard truths. "It may just look like they are deciding between a name brand product and a cheaper alternative, but on the inside, in the deepest reaches of the consumer's psyche, it can be a struggle to determine who they are as a person and how they fit into their community, or even humanity as a whole." Shaken by the experience of questioning fundamental aspects of his existence as a unique consciousness within the cosmos, and trying to make sense of a world being seen as if for the very first time, Frierson has left his wife and three children and plans to relocate to Omaha. "This wasn't an easy decision. I just want to say, to Sharon, if she's reading this, that I hope you can find it in your heart to understand why I have to do this."

Austin, TX - Elon Musk, the billionaire buyer behind the purchase of a number of high profile companies and ideas, is saying that the Tesla Cybertruck was a joke. Musk, shown here laughing as he talks about the hilariously dangerous self-driving mode included in the latest Cybertruck update "Well, one lesson I've learned is that just because I present something to a group of engineers and they laugh doesn't mean it's going to be all that hilarious as a fully realized product released to the public for sale after an extensive promotional campaign and several price increases," Musk explained. "Turns out that jokes are WAY less funny if people don't know the context, which is that this is a terrible product and they gave me money for it." Not everyone who has purchased a Cybertruck sees the humor in Musk's $80,000 prank. Some, like Tampa CryptoSpa owner Rex Chadington, believes that his life was changed for the better by purchasing a Cybertruck. "Elon is a genius and deserves every penny he gets for disrupting the truck market AND conventional comedy by selling these things. I feel closer to him driving my Cybertruck, like we are friends. Maybe even best friends?"

Nashville, TN - Having developed a taste for power after an extremely positive response to her endorsement of Vice-President Kamala Harris and Governor Tim Walz in the looming presidential election, music icon Taylor Swift has continued to weigh in on a number of races across the country. Swift, shown here at a rally for the Democratic candidate for Sanitation Commissioner in Macon, GA forcibly reminding the crowd that she is the kingmaker and that her political power is infinite "We were very appreciative when Ms. Swift announced her support of the Harris-Walz campaign," campaign national co-chair Mitch Landrieu explained. "But given the increasing number of candidates she has gone on to endorse, some of which just don't make any damn sense, let's just say that the Vice-President no longer feels very special." With her recent endorsement of Des Moines 8th grader Lennox Smith for Hoyt Middle School student council president, Swift has now weighed in on more than a hundred political races. According to the pop diva during a recent interview on Face the Nation , each and every candidate she endorses has been thoroughly vetted. "Whether it's the race for New York State Comptroller or a Condominium Association Board of Directors position in Boca Raton, I do my research on the issues at hand and the stances these candidates take on the topics that matter most to me."

Washington, D.C. - Relations between the United States and Canada remain at an all-time low as the Biden administration continues to balk at loaning our "neighbor to the north" our good giant wrench. Prime Minister Trudeau, shown here at a press conference explaining that they already sent back the gigantic hedge clippers and that the United States must have let Mexico borrow them "Frankly I did not expect such stubbornness from the White House," Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau explained. "For every day that our massive faucet remains stuck, there are millions of gallons of water going straight into the Pacific Ocean instead of potentially being made available for California's cities and farms as part of a meaningful renegotiation the Boundary Waters Treaty." Despite such optimistic language from Trudeau, experts with the State Department are questioning both Canada's intentions and their past record on returning borrowed stuff. According to Secretary of State Antony Blinken, Canada would need to make a substantial gesture of good faith before the United States would consider the loaning of our very large wrench. "This is a non-starter unless we get back both our enormous hedge clippers and the First Lady's huge casserole dish."