Brabara Bloodstone's Psychic Predictions for 2025

Psychic Predictions for the Year 2025

by Brabara Bloodstone

World famous psychic and host of E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone, shown here telling her sister to sell all that useless Apple stock in 1981

That's right, folks. 2024 is dead and in the ground, much like the subject of the Christmas episode of Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker. And just like how I helped Mickey Rooney land a date with Maggie Smith, I'm here to help the world prepare for the coming year.

Remember when women got the vote? Me too! And while I didn't predict the exact year that it would happen, I did foresee that more women would be wearing pants in 1965. That one got me a guest spot on Alfred Hitchcock's short-lived daytime call-in show Dial C for Conversation.

But it hasn't been all sunshine, steak dinners, and champagne punch in the green room. Predicting the future is as much a curse as it is a blessing. For example, I always know which family member or friend is calling when the phone rings, but the ability to tell them when and how they are going to die means that I don't get very many calls. I'm not a monster! If it's going to be soon or extremely painful, I just change the subject to the importance of having a will to determine how their estate will be handled.

I take these yearly predictions very seriously. In order to avoid distractions, I dig a burrow several feet underground and nestle into a large pile of damp leaves for several weeks. Not only do I see a clear image of future events, I lose most of the body fat I built up over the year gorging on pot pies and heavy cream. Fasting allows me to focus on intercepting astral projections from my future self and I highly recommend it, especially to young girls who are worried about their body image.

Am I always correct when I make a prediction? Of course not! Even the best surgeon sometimes takes out the wrong organ from the right person or the right organ from the wrong person. When it comes to peering through the mist of time, the journey is often more important than the destination. Like in 2006 when I predicted that television sets would get smaller and smaller while phones would steadily increase in size. What matters is that we all continue to rely on technology, and it was revealed to me by the eternal consciousness of a Martian priestess named Levis'yona S'etan.

Here are my top predictions for 2025:

1. The popular short-form video hosting service TikTok will be shut down and replaced by people sending handwritten letters through the mail. The letters will describe what the sender was doing and may even involve crudely drawn representations of the events. Timothée Chalamet will help the service skyrocket in popularity when he announces that he also uses it to pay bills.

2. Miami Police Department Corporal Chad Blaze will be resurrected after accidentally coming into possible contact with the dangerous drug fentanyl during a routine welfare check at the home of a local autistic man. A new religion will form around Blaze, renamed "The Chosen One", and a thousand-year reign of peace and prosperity will begin for everyone except for the autistic man, who was shot to death in his home by police for resisting their help.

3. You thought the last pandemic was bad? Hah! What's coming in 2025 will make COVID-19 seem as scary as a box of kittens, which is ironic because it's going to be a mutated form of cat herpes.

4. Politics will be huge in 2025, with some people being satisfied with how things are going in Washington and others very upset. Regardless, we will all come together as a country when the first of several kaiju attacks destroys Kansas City. Missouri not Kansas. The good one.

5. As the economy continues to recover from the pandemic, more Americans will be spending money on expensive luxuries like anything imported from Mexico or Canada, diphtheria antitoxin, and South American vacations/abortion tourism.