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Belvidere, NE - When Belvidere taxidermist, and Diet Dr. Pepper enthusiast, Duane Frierson took part in a blinded taste test comparing his favorite brand and Diet Dr. Shasta today, the last thing he expected was for his life to be irrevocably changed. Wine lover Hanz Jacobson, shown here participating in a blinded tasting with friends and mere seconds before the tragic murder-suicide that would tear this quiet neighborhood apart at the seams "I didn't wake up thinking that I was going to realize I've been living a lie all these years," Frierson explained. "But if I don't know something as important as which cola beverage I prefer, then how do I truly know anything at all about myself? Do I even like being a taxidermist? Do I really love my family? Has my entire life been a charade?" This isn't the first time that consumer marketing research has resulted in unforeseen outcomes for participants. According to National Beverage Corp. CEO Nick Caporella, forcing people to evaluate themselves without interference from all of the hangups and bias built up over a lifetime can reveal some pretty hard truths. "It may just look like they are deciding between a name brand product and a cheaper alternative, but on the inside, in the deepest reaches of the consumer's psyche, it can be a struggle to determine who they are as a person and how they fit into their community, or even humanity as a whole." Shaken by the experience of questioning fundamental aspects of his existence as a unique consciousness within the cosmos, and trying to make sense of a world being seen as if for the very first time, Frierson has left his wife and three children and plans to relocate to Omaha. "This wasn't an easy decision. I just want to say, to Sharon, if she's reading this, that I hope you can find it in your heart to understand why I have to do this."

Austin, TX - Elon Musk, the billionaire buyer behind the purchase of a number of high profile companies and ideas, is saying that the Tesla Cybertruck was a joke. Musk, shown here laughing as he talks about the hilariously dangerous self-driving mode included in the latest Cybertruck update "Well, one lesson I've learned is that just because I present something to a group of engineers and they laugh doesn't mean it's going to be all that hilarious as a fully realized product released to the public for sale after an extensive promotional campaign and several price increases," Musk explained. "Turns out that jokes are WAY less funny if people don't know the context, which is that this is a terrible product and they gave me money for it." Not everyone who has purchased a Cybertruck sees the humor in Musk's $80,000 prank. Some, like Tampa CryptoSpa owner Rex Chadington, believes that his life was changed for the better by purchasing a Cybertruck. "Elon is a genius and deserves every penny he gets for disrupting the truck market AND conventional comedy by selling these things. I feel closer to him driving my Cybertruck, like we are friends. Maybe even best friends?"

Nashville, TN - Having developed a taste for power after an extremely positive response to her endorsement of Vice-President Kamala Harris and Governor Tim Walz in the looming presidential election, music icon Taylor Swift has continued to weigh in on a number of races across the country. Swift, shown here at a rally for the Democratic candidate for Sanitation Commissioner in Macon, GA forcibly reminding the crowd that she is the kingmaker and that her political power is infinite "We were very appreciative when Ms. Swift announced her support of the Harris-Walz campaign," campaign national co-chair Mitch Landrieu explained. "But given the increasing number of candidates she has gone on to endorse, some of which just don't make any damn sense, let's just say that the Vice-President no longer feels very special." With her recent endorsement of Des Moines 8th grader Lennox Smith for Hoyt Middle School student council president, Swift has now weighed in on more than a hundred political races. According to the pop diva during a recent interview on Face the Nation , each and every candidate she endorses has been thoroughly vetted. "Whether it's the race for New York State Comptroller or a Condominium Association Board of Directors position in Boca Raton, I do my research on the issues at hand and the stances these candidates take on the topics that matter most to me."

Washington, D.C. - Relations between the United States and Canada remain at an all-time low as the Biden administration continues to balk at loaning our "neighbor to the north" our good giant wrench. Prime Minister Trudeau, shown here at a press conference explaining that they already sent back the gigantic hedge clippers and that the United States must have let Mexico borrow them "Frankly I did not expect such stubbornness from the White House," Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau explained. "For every day that our massive faucet remains stuck, there are millions of gallons of water going straight into the Pacific Ocean instead of potentially being made available for California's cities and farms as part of a meaningful renegotiation the Boundary Waters Treaty." Despite such optimistic language from Trudeau, experts with the State Department are questioning both Canada's intentions and their past record on returning borrowed stuff. According to Secretary of State Antony Blinken, Canada would need to make a substantial gesture of good faith before the United States would consider the loaning of our very large wrench. "This is a non-starter unless we get back both our enormous hedge clippers and the First Lady's huge casserole dish."

Phoenix, AZ - Cosmeceutical researchers at the prestigious University of Phoenix have announced that if current trends of worsening global climate change continue, the world may soon be depleted of novel ingredients for use in anti-aging creams, facial moisturizers, hair conditioners, nail rejuvenators, holistic bio-protectors, and topically applied body detoxifiers by the year 2030. A 97-year-old woman, shown here during her daily application of a topical anti-aging cream made from bioresonant quantum nanoparticles of raw skink oil "This is something that all of us working in the field today need to be very concerned about," lead researcher Dr. Robert Bibble, MD, ND, DAOM, RD, who is both a certified herbal psychologist and a Level 3 naturopathic midwife, explained. "As it currently stands, we are pretty much down to yak urine and pigeon chyme. We are cresting the ridge of peak ingredient and will soon begin a steep and catastrophic plummet. Oh, that's good. You've got to use that." Even as Dr. Bibble is calling for aggressive measures to combat climate change and industry-wide regulations on the number of new ingredients allowed per product, some experts aren't buying into his doomsday scenario of a world with seafront property in Michigan and cosmeceutical products containing only active ingredients with legitimate evidence for their safety and efficacy. Azriel Gunderson, a clinical cosmetician and director of Body Essentials Day Spa in Sedona, isn't worried. "We are pioneering the field of nanocosmeceuticals, which are formulated with proprietary, state-of-the-art nanotechnologies such as dynamic intradermal organic nanovehicles. Our nanocosmeceuticals will implement innovation in a nanoformulation of previously exploited botanicals and other natural ingredients so that we will be able to milk this stuff for decades."

Palm Beach, FL - During a recent press conference held on the grounds of the Mar-a-Lago resort in Palm Beach, club employee and United States presidential candidate Donald Trump announced that he will begin selling non-fungible tokens (NFT) of all his previous and upcoming rallies. An NFT of the January 6th, 2021 tour of the U.S. Capitol building by Trump supporters recently sold to an Elon M. for $50 million. No, that's too obvious. Let's call him E. Musk. "President Trump will retain all intellectual property rights related to each event and any unique aspect such as the event's concepts, themes, designs, decorations, artworks, animations, branding, or products," Trump's legal spokesperson Alina Habba explained. "But each NFT will prove ownership of the fact that the rally happened, which is a priceless opportunity to be a part of this history-making campaign." An NFT is a unique digital identifier recorded on a blockchain and used to certify ownership and authenticity. According to the former president during the press conference, these rally NFTs will be a one-of-a-kind verifiable digital asset that will continue to increase in value for the foreseeable future. "Because Marxist socialist Comrade Kamala is ruining this country. It's a terrible thing. Like nothing anyone has ever seen. And it wouldn't have happened. One phone call. I make one phone call and on day one. I say I'm going to be a dictator for just one day. And the wall. And what about those pets that the migrants are eating. The cats and the dogs. But really this is about tariffs. They are a beautiful thing. I love that word. Tariffs."

Near Oxford - An elite team of some of the smartest professors in England working day and night for the past several months has finally solved one of the most challenging puzzles of the modern political era: former president Donald Trump's decades-long oratorical weaving together of thousands of seemingly disparate topics into a complete and fully cohesive narrative. Donald Trump, shown here in 2024 brilliantly coming back around to a thing he once said about those people with falafel carts in Manhattan in 1979 "To some people it sounds more and more like gibberish every day," Barnaby O'Toole, the third ranked professor in England, who is also an English professor, explained. "Some have even mistakenly called his speeches the rambling spoken narrative of a malignant narcissist with worsening dementia, but he is just referencing things they don't remember or fully understand. Frankly it is like an ant trying to understand quantum physics." During a recent political rally, Trump precisely detailed his preternatural ability to piece together a variety of topics that appear unrelated to listeners with lesser intellects: You know, I do the weave. You know what the weave is? I'll talk about like nine different things, and they all come back brilliantly together, and it's like, friends of mine that are, like, English professors, they say, 'It's the most brilliant thing I've ever seen.' As is often the case when facing a highly complex problem containing a near infinite number of variables, dedicated scholarly liberal arts research has now uncovered the absolute truth. According to O'Toole, the former president is a genius when it comes to connecting dots within a single speech or between many speeches, sometimes waiting years or even decades to reveal the overarching point he is making. "He gets off a subject to mention another little tidbit. Then he gets back onto the subject, and he goes through this, and he does it for two hours or even two decades, and he doesn't even mispronounce one word."

Washington, D.C. - JD Vance, the regular human Republican candidate for vice-president, has announced that he plans to consider improving the nation's childbirth rates as a top priority should the Trump-Vance ticket win in November. A conservative parent explaining to a child that only little girls who don't want a baby sister get routine immunizations "One thing that keeps me up at night in the couch, and I think Democrats and Republicans should all be worried, is that we have some real demographic problems in our country," Vance explained while waiting in line to order a normal amount and variety of donuts at the Dunkin' on Massachusetts Avenue. "Real American families, and by that I mean the white ones, just aren't having enough children. I think that some of the horrible things we are doing to these parents is driving down the number of units they are willing to contribute to the domestic supply of infants, like forcing them to put toddlers in a car seat, make their school-aged children wear bike helmets, or store deli meat in the refrigerator instead of on a shelf in the pantry. Experts are not all in agreement over the cause of the declining birth rates in the United States. Dr. Mort Fishman, MD, a pediatrician practicing human medicine in Forth Worth, believes that the problem is complex and multifactorial. "Look. I support some common sense safety regulations. I mean, who wants their kid to end up with two stubs because the wood chipper they got for Christmas didn't have a warning sticker on it. But is the marginal benefit of a child not being hurled through the front windshield really worth making parents much, much more miserable?"

Amherst, NY - After a recent viral segment on E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker where self-proclaimed psychic and television personality Brabara Bloodstone claimed to have predicted the coronavirus pandemic in her 1992 book, Animal Angel Babies , some skeptical experts are speaking out. Brabara Bloodstone, host of the E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker, shown here ordering a new duvet cover from Bed Bath & Beyond "This is such an easily refutable myth," Ben Radford explained. "On page 92 of her book, right there in black and white, she predicted a worldwide outbreak of coorsyphilis. It never happened. There have been at most only a few cases, most of which were Matt Gaetz." Radford, an author of several books on unexplained mysteries, critical thinking, and clowns for some reason, has debunked a number of Bloodstone's precognitive claims in the past, like when she predicted the softening of the Catholic Church's stance on Bigfoot. According to Radford, who is the deputy editor of Skeptical Inquirer , a science magazine that focuses on a wide variety of pseudoscientific topics as well as cryptocurrency investment, it is important to remain open-minded when investigating unusual claims. "I don't deny the possible existence of psychic phenomena, and I'm a huge fan of the programming on E! Science Chanel, but I just haven't been impressed with her track record. Like when she predicted a 4th branch of the government made up of randomly chosen citizens, mandatory gay marriage in all 50 states, or allowing some plants, but mostly ferns, to vote."

Centennial, CO - With Chief Justice John Roberts and Brett Kavanaugh joining the three liberals, the Supreme Court has handed down a shocking 5-4 ruling in favor of the National Cattlemen's Beef Association (NCBA) that opens the door for more non-dairy milks to flood the market. NCBA president Eisele, shown here with his collection of Wellington boots while wearing his signature bowler hat "This isn't just a win for beef," NCBA president Mark Eisele explained. "This is a win for chicken farmers, oyster harvesters, and just about anyone producing pretty much anything that can be blended into a consumable liquid product. Blimey, you could probably sell Play-Doh milk now. Oh, sorry. I mean...yee-haw? Is that right?" The NCBA is an American trade association and lobbying group working for American beef producers and has been fighting the FDA to get beef milk on store shelves for over a decade. According to the new ruling, non-dairy and non-plant foods can now be sold in liquid form with the "milk" label as long as the label clearly provides the source and a disclaimer if the nutritional content is significantly different from dairy milk. This paves the way for a variety of non-traditional milks to potentially benefit from the health halo long associated with dairy products. This glass of chicken milk required half a chicken to produce. But which half? How do these new products compare to cow's milk? That's a stupid question but we asked food psychiatrist and nutritional anthropologist Kimb Sheen. "You can't go wrong with a tall glass of chicken milk. One cup has as much amalgamated globulant as traditional milk with twice the obamamino acids. And it tastes exactly like what you would expect. Not great."

Tallahassee, FL - When 11-year-old Clara Brandywine left her suburban Tallahassee home to go trick-or-treating for the first time without parental supervision last Halloween, her parents were worried about a lot of things. The possibility that their precious daughter would be kidnapped by a stranger, run over by a stranger while crossing the street, or eating a piece of candy that a stranger had filled with razor blades all made the list. But the last thing they were worried about was the liberal agenda and the possibility that she would be exposed to images or ideas contrary to their conservative worldview. A group of liberal heathen children, and one very small gay fireman, shown here pushing their demonic agenda on an unsuspecting conservative neighborhood in Pittsburgh "Clara came home full of candy, and full questions," Bucky Brandywine, Clara's father explained. "Why were those two men kissing? Why was that black woman dressed like a doctor? What is a Mr. Goodbar? I wanted to scream. We felt so...vulnerable." Though long considered a holiday with a liberal bias, and a history that seemingly goes against the beliefs of many conservative families, a group of parents in Florida is aiming to make Halloween a safe and educational celebration for their children. Their goal is to establish a number of safe zones across the city for conservative families to gather together. They want to celebrate the holiday, with all the costumes, candy, and decorations, while their children remain protected. "We knew that this wouldn't be easy," Conservative Families of Tallahassee (CFT) president Cindy Brandywine explained. "With the occult associations, and all the gays out there walking around practically in their birthday suits, many of us have never felt comfortable with letting our kids, or our husbands, participate. It was time to do something." On Halloween night, the CFT is planning to establish a perimeter around specific streets or even entire neighborhoods in the Tallahassee area. According to Brandywine, Halloween decorations, costumes, and even the types of candy being handed out will be tailored specifically for conservative families. "That's right. No ghosts, no witches, and no Zagnut bars. Essentially nothing that might get the attention of Satan or his minions." Though not an inclusive list, here are a few of the CFT Halloween Night safe zone guidelines: All costumes must align with a child's assigned sex at birth Costumes with cultural or educational value, like a civil war soldier, a Hobby Lobby cashier, or a police drug recognition expert, are encouraged All skittles must be segregated into groups of the same color before being placed into a bowl for handing out to children Home decorations may not include anything of an occult or supernatural nature, such as witches, ghosts, or Harry Potter characters, though life-size cardboard cutouts of J.K. Rowling are acceptable All adults in masks should be considered to be Matt Gaetz until proven otherwise

Arlington, VA - The United States Antibiotic Stewardship Enforcement Agency (ASEA) is warning parents to be on the lookout this Halloween for unnecessary antibiotics in their children's candy. A pile of loose antibiotics and candy recently confiscated at Los Angeles International Airport and containing enough clavulanic acid to cause diarrhea in every child in Pittsburgh "Halloween is one of the most exciting days of the year for many families," ASEA administrator Mike Lee, MD explained. "The last thing that a child or their caregivers should have to worry about is contributing to the development of extended-spectrum beta-lactamase producing bacteria that put us all at risk of living in a post-antibiotic hellscape of our own making." Dr. Lee and his colleagues at the ASEA are asking parents, grandparents, and even non-pedophile uncles to sort through any collected Halloween candy for potential loose antibiotics. "These pills, tablets, and capsules can resemble actual candy. Children are stupid and can easily confuse an oral third-generation cephalosporin with a tic tac, a Mike and Ike, or even a SweeTart. And don't get me started on those ceftaroline gummies. Why is everything a gummy these days? It's getting ridiculous! It's not just me...right?"