[The following is a paid advertisement from Globodyne Industries. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.] TestoBoost! for Teens™ The Only Testosterone Replacement Therapy Made Just for Teen Boys! Are you a teenage boy with fears of a below average sperm count? Are worries about your fertility impacting your Fortnite performance or preventing you from establishing a satisfying heterosexual relationship? Are you overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy in a society full of virile elderly men like Harrison Ford and Jeff Bridges? You may have low testosterone! Alpha male Harrison Ford, shown here in a scene from Star Wars: Revenge of All Those Droids , has the testosterone of 15 standard American teenage boys coursing through his sexy and powerful veins According to top science men, like Health and Human Services Secretary and total dreamboat Robert F. Kennedy Jr., low testosterone in adolescent boys is a threat to the very existence of the human species: The typical 71-year-old man just walking around his Malibu mansion or his new $5 million home in Georgetown has orders of magnitude more sperm than the average teenage boy. And he can probably bench press a lot more too! Because testosterone makes you strong and your sperm strong. But boys these days hardly have any sperm left! What is causing this epidemic of masculinity insufficiency in older boys? According to Kennedy, today's modern food is full of unhealthy synthetic dyes made from petroleum. That's right, kids today are essentially eating gasoline. And he is determined to get their sperm counts up so that they can get started making powerful American babies with small hands and fingers that can fit into those hard to reach areas to more efficiently replace important mechanical parts in the glorious economy of the future. Robert F. Kennedy Jr., shown here testifying to Congress that though he has six children, he has more than just six sperm. A lot more. At Globodyne, we couldn't be prouder to partner with Secretary Kennedy in the development of TestoBoost! for Teens™, the first oral testosterone replacement therapy (TRT) for teen boys that comes in a convenient and delicious gummy formulation. But don't take our word for it. Just ask the man himself: Adolescence is a unique period of transition from childhood into adulthood. Their bodies are changing a lot. You wouldn't give a boy his grandmother's heart pills, so why should they take an adult testosterone replacement? It just doesn't make any sense. That's why I fully endorse this product, and I would even if they didn't pay me to do it. They do though. TestoBoost! for Teens™ is the first and only TRT designed specifically with the teenage reproductive system in mind. It works with their body, not against it. And it won't cause random embarrassing erections at school, so they can keep mine crafting, watching Joe Rogan, and supporting Donald Trump like good Americans without having to sit there with their backpack in their lap until it passes. So what are you waiting for? A invitation to Mar-a-Lago to have dinner with the president? Well guess what? Every teen boy who orders a year's supply of TestoBoost! for Teens™ will have a chance to meet President Trump or one of his sons. That's right. A numerical chance!* *Zero is a number.

Washington, D.C. - Though the Catholic Church must ultimately go through the standard selection process, President Trump has wasted little time by naming American televangelist Joel Osteen as acting pope mere hours after the death of Pope Francis early this morning. Joel Osteen, shown here pointing at the church's tax exempt private helicopter dropping off his dry cleaning "I thought of Joel Osteen as soon as I heard the unfortunate news this morning," Trump explained in a post on Truth Social Media today. "Unfortunate for the other guy but very fortunate for Joel, who is a very big fan of mine even if he doesn't always like to talk about politics. He's going to do a great job as my acting pope and I expect him to win that weird election thing they do over there with all the colored smoke." Osteen, the 62-year-old senior pastor at Lakewood Church in Houston with a net worth of over $50 million, is an unconventional pick for acting pope. According to papal historian Agostino Paravincini Bagliani, the president's choice raises a number of important concerns. "First off, he isn't Catholic. And there is a precise method of choosing the next pope that has been developed over nearly two millennia. Even one tiny variation in the process could literally destroy us all."

Portland, OR - When new mother Jessica Ramirez found an unexpired Groupon for free skydiving lessons under a pile of soy sauce packets in the kitchen utility drawer, she imagined having the experience of a lifetime soaring above the clouds. After all, this was an adventure that she had dreamed of embarking on for years. Excited, and more than a little nervous, Ramirez approached the counter with her smartphone in one hand and the head of her quietly nursing 3-month-old daughter Jennifer supported in the other. An extreme breastfeeder, shown here nursing her child during the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona “The man at the counter gave me this look, like he was shocked that I would feed my hungry baby in public,” Ramirez recounted. “And when he told me that they didn’t allow mothers to breastfeed during jumps, my jaw hit the floor. This is 2025. This is America.” Ramirez, an artisinal home infusionist at Portland's Peach & Barrow compounding pharmacy, is part of growing trend in human lactation known as extreme breastfeeding. Extreme breastfeeding, though considered a pejorative term by some in the lactation support industry, is considered by many proponents to be the leading edge of a struggle to normalize public breastfeeding. They encourage mothers to breastfeed when and wherever they choose, even if that means making some people uncomfortable.  "The scientific evidence is incredibly clear when it comes to the benefits of human lactation," Nancy Shiversmith IBCLC, RLC, GED, CPR certified, a Portland area lactation consultant revealed. "Isn't it bad enough that many of these children had to wait up to 9 months in the womb before having access to their mother's precious elixir of life? Should they have to wait for her to finish her mixed martial training class too?" In response to an increase in incidents involving the practice of extreme breastfeeding, the American Academy of Pediatrics’ Section on Breastfeeding recently published an updated policy statement. In the report, common concerns from mothers, business owners, and government officials are addressed. The statement endorses the practice and calls for more accommodations for mothers choosing to breastfeed during nontraditional activities, like whitewater rafting or zip lining, or when nursing their child in atypical locations, such as a shooting range or the summit of Mount Everest. Mort Fishman MD FAAP, lead author of the AAP report, believes that society needs to move beyond this issue and that the new guidelines are a step in the right direction. He considers the labeling of some activities as appropriate for breastfeeding while others, such as water skiing or horseback riding, are deemed extreme to be just another form of harassment and misogyny. “Frankly there is no life experience that is not made more rewarding by breastfeeding while doing it. Accommodations should be made so that nursing mothers can comfortably feed their children whenever they are hungry and not when society dictates it is appropriate.”

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler Mitch Rangler, a fully-apprenticed (in Europe) nutritionologist and founder/CEO of The Health Patrol Everywhere you look these days, from our celebrity overlords to regular folks down in the trenches like you and me, people are biohacking. But what is biohacking and what can it do for you? Just give you True Health ™ , that's what! And if anyone is already thinking up some weak excuse, like how you lost all your money in an internet lady's crypto bleep bloop, I have a rabbit punch waiting just for you. A rabbit punch of truth! Besides, Biohacking is so easy that any fathead can do it. Even you! Biohacking is so easy, any fathead can do it. Even that Musk kid! When you take biology and hack it, you are biohacking. And with biohacking, you can change your body and your life from the inside at the deepest level. Like how I eat tapioca every day to smooth out lumpy stools or when I breathe so that I don't die. I'm biohacking! Biohack you body with every breath you take, just like in that song about stalking Sting's ex-wife! Looking for more advanced biohacking, like those people on the television, in that show with all of the ethnics that have superpowers? With my help, you can revolutionize your body down to the molecular level. You'll be able to change your personal genetic blueprint without even leaving your house, apartment, or retirement community. And that'll show your no good son for leaving you at that dump like leaving a homeless man who saw something he shouldn't have chained to a stump deep in the Nebraska National Forest. I don't have a son. Not anymore! What if I told you that you were only one self-addressed stamped envelope away from the amazing world of biohacking? Still not convinced? You will be after you read my personal guide to quick and effortless biohacking! Did someone say biohacking??? I did. Biohacking!!! Biohacking allows you to take control of your own biology, and it couldn't be simpler. Using medical, nutritional, physical, or electronic interventions, you will wake up every day ready to take on the world. Food will taste better. Water will feel better. You'll have limited telekinetic powers. Confused? Scared? Curious? That's stupid. And I hate stupid people more than I hate Milton Butts for winning the election for social director last November. What was his big idea again? Dinner and a movie? Any baked potato with two thumbs can set up a projector. I'll take my creamed spinach in the solarium and leave the show business to that clown. You may already be biohacking and not even known it. That's right! Here are a few common everyday examples: Examples!!! Taking a calmative to relax at the end of a long day, or a refreshing caffeine enema before an important job interview. Surgically hooking a Fitbit to your neuroendocrine system in order to measure erectile torque. Mine is eleven. Well it's at least a ten. Fine, it's five on most days but it reached nine that time I found a Mamie Van Doren poster at the flea market. Using hypnosis to get over your fear of opening the bathroom door one day and finding your ex-wife just standing there again like the last 30 years never happened. "Mitchy, you're too distant. Why won't you open up to me?" I told her that I wasn't the kind of man that understands human emotion or could ever be tied down to just one woman during the ceremony. That's what the vows are for! Essentially, biohacking is a holistic approach to body maintenance mostly based on the idea that what goes into or onto the body impacts how you feel. Optimizing both input and throughput can unleash your maximal output, and synergize any backwards overflow. You'll experience better mood, improved recall, heightened senses, and the ability to pass through solid objects like walls or a 1998 Buick Skylark. Biohacking is based on ideas and experiences! Ever since our aquatic primate ancestors first crawled out of the ocean covered in scales moistened by a layer of mucous gland secretions, we have sought to change our bodies. Change, and cracked, dry skin, is a fundamental aspect of modern humanity. Otzi, a 5,000-year-old frozen mummy, was discovered possessing a kit full of herbs and even a copper axe. That's some amazing biohacking! Was Otzi a cyborg? Some people think so. Other people just see the use of tools and medicine as a natural extension of modern technology. Regardless, humans have been improving their bodies since the beginning of time. And thanks to recent advances in pharmobioceuticals and herbal robotics, it's now easier to do that than ever before. Quick and Effortless Biohacking Basics for Daily Living Success! Stand up straight - Research in legitimate scientific laboratories near places like Harvard and the Research Corporation of Tampa has shown that for every inch off of perfect posture your brain and spinal cord experience an additional kilogram of deceleration force. Most people are caught in a vicious cycle of slow-onset decapitation. Every time they look down at a phone, or up at a stupid cloud, they are one step closer to their head just falling right off. Improve your nutrition - 97% of people don't eat enough hexylmethylbroamino acids in the forms of femulated puddings and animal carcass. And then they wonder why so many people in their 70s and older are diagnosed with cancer now compared to 250 years ago. Connect the dots! Be one with nature - sitting on a bench at the park has been proven to result in longer lives. Just go to the park and look at the people sitting on those benches. See! They are really old. Eat wild foods - Hunting and gathering your food is an amazing biohacking experience. If you see a carrot just sitting there, take it. Is that a pineapple tree? Conquer it. If it isn't nailed down, it's yours for the grabbing. And that includes Martha Lemmon's pie on the windowsill of 7A. If she doesn't want me taking it, she should keep it in a pie cupboard like a decent Christian woman! Drink unprocessed water - The benefits of scavenging for liquid water should be obvious to anyone with even a non-European training in health and wellness. Processing of water leeches out numerous moleculoids that nourish and fortify our bodies. And if anyone tells you to boil it first, tell them to go to Hell. That means you Scout Master Chuck. I won't let you win! I won't let you ruin the years I have left! I just won't! I...I can't. Breathe fresh, natural air - I've said it before, but there is nothing more powerful for biohacking the human body than breathing. With every breath, your body rejuvenates its core and expels toxic essences. So go deep into the uncharted wild lands of the world and breathe. Just breathe. Don't tell anyone where you'll be. They won't understand. Expose yourself to natural light - There is nothing worse that you can do for your body than to expose it to synthetic light. Synthetic light found in bulbs and vacuum-sealed canisters is an unhealthy replacement for whale oil. Nothing beats whale oil's greasy luminescence. I don't usually endorse products, but Frisky Sailor brand whale oil burns longer and brighter than any other mammal-based product because the whales voluntarily offer unto us the harvest of their illuminating blubber. Get a new attitude - Biohacking your mind is just as important as biohacking your body. The next time that you feel like your attitude needs adjusting, go out and sit on the nearest park bench to soak up the natural sunlight and breathe some filtered Alaskan pouched air. You can order pouched air from a variety of amazing source via my online store. Every third pouch costs double but the third pouch is usually the best one! Listen to music - That's right, music. Science has proven that music causes changes in the electrical activity in our brains. And your brain is one of the top ten organs in your entire body. So unless you are comfortable sticking your finger in an electric socket, try listening to music at least once an hour. Trust your guts - Start a journal to log your feelings and bowel movements. Look for hidden relationships between them. Really focus on patterns that emerge and develop a novel theory on the connections you discover. Then tell the world! Make them listen. Make them all listen. Bonus! - Write letters to a random person. Find out as much as you can about them and write letters to their family, friends, and co-workers. Include pictures of yourself standing outside of their home or their child's school. Meaningful human connections are proven to reduce the risk of brain cramps. Everyone can benefit from biohacking! Who can benefit from biohacking? Every single man, woman, and child on the planet, that's who. And don't forget pets. Did you know that you can biohack a dog to retrieve useful objects like a newspaper or your favorite pair of slippers. You can even biohack a cat to shit in a box. Amazing! Does your cat shit in a box? Mine does! But who can benefit the most from biohacking? People who feel like they deserve to do better Anyone who sometimes has trouble paying attention during complex and uninteresting meetings or lectures People who think that they could be healthier Anyone interested in improving themselves in some way Cats that are still shitting in piles of dirty clothes on your bedroom floor Good luck! If you have questions about biohacking, nutritionology, or True Health ™ , write them on a self-addressed stamped envelope and send it to Mitch Rangler at The Health Patrol along with $5, a DNA sample, and a photo of your cat. You can also sign up for my newsletter, which I will write and mail out once they fix the mimeograph machine in the basement.

Los Angeles, CA - As the controversy involving celebrities Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni over claims of hostile treatment during the filming of their hit movie It Ends with Us enters it's fifth month, expert body language analysis of expert body language analysis is emerging that may finally shed some light. Blake LIvely, shown here demonstrating a classic "killer's remorse" stance revealing uncertainty as she plans her next murder In December, Lively had filed a complaint with the California Civil Rights Department which alleged that Baldoni had established a hostile work environment on the set of the movie, which he was directing. This was soon followed by an article and a lawsuit. In response, Baldoni filed suits against both The New York Times  and Lively for hundreds of millions of dollars. As it did with previous public controversies, like the time Ellen DeGeneres kicked Greta Thunberg in the crotch backstage at the 2019 Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards, people have turned to body language analysis for answers. "She is definitely comfortable during this entire discussion," body language expert Clam Wellington tells Knudsen's News exclusively while watching body language expert Judi James's exclusive New York Post analysis of Blake Lively speaking to the press at a recent red carpet event. "Yes. Confident, defiant, and determined. You see that? Her right hand is on her hip, the elbow is sticking straight out, and she just smiled with her entire face. I'd bet my career on this." Though considered one of the most accurate body language analysts in the field, some experts have disagreed with Wellington's take on James's take. Fran Tarkingberg, a Level 3 Grand Magus from the Fresno chapter of the International Brotherhood of Body Language Analysts, has a very different interpretation. "I don't agree at all with Wellington. Not one bit. James is clearly feeling awkward and unsure of herself. That smile is forced. Just look at the angle of her knees in relation to her ears."

Culver City, CA - Sony Pictures Entertainment, the parent company of Columbia Pictures, has announced the completion of a reimagining of the beloved 90s comedy Groundhog Day that will focus on the character of Ned Ryerson during the events of the original film. Method actor Rainn Wilson, shown here as Ned Ryerson, refused to break character for nearly three years, and even obtained an insurance license in Pennsylvania "The original Groundhog Day was great and it connected with a lot of people," Sony Pictures Chairman Tony Vinciquerra explained. "But it left a lot of unanswered questions, and I think people will be interested in what we've come up with here." Groundhog Day was one of the highest grossing movies of 1993, and it garnered widespread critical acclaim. The original was centered on the perspective of one character, Bill Murray's cynical weatherman Phil Connors. In the new film, the focus will shift to that of Ned Ryerson, the enigmatic insurance salesman played by actor Stephen Tobolowsky, who will make a cameo as Ryerson's alcoholic father. Over the years, the character of Ned Ryerson has developed somewhat of a cult following and has been featured in a number of fan written short stories, ebooks, and webisodes. Actor Rainn Wilson, who was picked to play Ryerson in the update, has been uncharacteristically quiet when asked about script details, but didn't send us home completely empty handed. "So get this. Ned is stuck in his own time loop and he's on the run from the Time Force. He knew about what was going on with Phil the whole time but didn't want to blow his cover. Bing!" A photo taken on the set of Groundhog Day: Ned vs. the Time Force showing members of the Time Force watching helplessly as Phil Connors kidnaps Punxsutawney Phil during the Gobbler's Knob Groundhog day celebration But who is behind the time loop? Is it the Time Force, or are they merely trying to fix the problem and restore order? What is Larry the cameraman hiding? And what happens to the minds of the people who are forced to replay the same day over and over again without awareness or the ability to retain new memories and skills? Do they slowly become insane? Are the events of the film even real at all, or are Ned and Phil simply a glitch in the program running a computer simulation designed to solve some great mystery? And if so, who designed that program? Is it aliens? Is Phil really God or just a god? These are the questions that were raised but largely ignored by the original film.

Philadelphia, PA - Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania's School of Dental Medicine have announced the development of nanobot technology that may soon replace your toothbrush, floss, and mouthwash for daily dental hygiene. Small children, such as the one shown here opening wide and not acting like a little shit, are perfect candidates for assimilation into the Collective "These nanobots are truly an incredible advance in dental science," Rod Humboldt, a researcher in Penn's Division of Applied Robotics and Stank Breath Prevention explained. "A microscopic swarm of shapeshifting marvels, once in the oral cavity and controlled by a magnetic field, can form into bristles that scour the entire surface of the tooth to remove even the toughest biofilms, with hardly any of them entering the circulation and depositing themselves in the host's brain." The earliest form of dental hygiene technology consisted of small twigs with frayed ends according to dental hygiene historian Glint Ranshey:  "These "chew sticks" were discovered by European explorers just sitting there among the remains of an ancient Mesopotamian culture that probably didn't even know how to use them correctly. There have been many updates over the years. Twigs were replaced with bone and then celluloid. And horsehair bristles that were all the rage a couple hundred years ago were replaced by synthetic nylon."  The shape or angle of the handle that the bristles are attached to has also evolved significantly since the days before primitive, and almost certainly cavity-ridden peoples, were rescued from their reliance on frayed twigs by their European saviors. But the simple design of the modern toothbrush has been essentially stagnant for decades, until now. And don't get me started on dental floss, which has been pretty stupid, for like forever.  With the development of powerful nanobots as a replacement of the toothbrush, we are truly entering the next generation of dental care. Dr. Harkanis Krane, a professor in Penn's Department of Community Dental Health and Total Societal Dominion, revealed that one of the biggest benefits of using these nanobots to clean the teeth is their adaptability. "As we've shown in studies using both synthetic materials and some teeth we bought from homeless people, these little guys eliminate the biofilms that can lead to tooth decay and gum disease even on crooked teeth, and dentists will have complete control over the entire process." In addition to the abrasive action of the nanobots, they are also proving to have antibacterial properties when introduced into the mouth. Each tiny robot, which is invisible to the naked eye and small enough to attach to individual neurons in the frontal lobe, produces free radicals that kill the pathogenic bacteria linked to cavity formation. And the entire process can be controlled by your dentist remotely, freeing up valuable time in your day for the consumption of goods and obedient service to the Collective. There is no need for fear in the Collective. Dr. Steve will be doing all your thinking for you. You are safe and you are loved. Don't resist. This is what's best. Historically, dental hygiene technology hasn't been developed with people with disabilities in mind. Nanobot technology puts oral health on a more even playing field, and that is something that is very important to Krane and the team at Penn. "It really is an effortless process that anyone can benefit from. All you have to do is relax, let the nanobots do their thing, and then simply follow the instructions you will begin to receive. Don't fight it. It'll be much easier if you just do what you are told." But is this revolutionary and safe technology really safe? Yes! So far, not one participant in the preclinical trials has complained of any side effects. And many, like Human Test Subject #17, are leading more satisfying lives after a session with the nanobots. "I am no longer afraid. I am no longer alone. I am one with the Collective and no longer burdened by the many choices I faced in the past, such what to eat, what to wear, or who to vote for. I am one with the Collective and I am loved."

Los Angeles, CA - The team behind the recently released psychological horror film The Woman in the Yard has announced plans to place more emphasis on the front porch in the sequel. Behind the scenes footage of The Women at the Park , a prequel to The Woman in the Yard in production outside of Atlanta "Yes, Sam is working on a script for the sequel and a prequel is already in production," The Woman in the Yard director Jaume Collet-Serra explained, referring to writer Sam Stefanak. "We feel like the first movie took the yard as far as it could go, and there is just something so mysterious and so terrifying about that porch which we feel really has to be explored in the future." The sequel, tentatively titled Look Out, She's On the Porch Now! , is expected to hit theaters in early 2026 and will again be produced by Blumhouse Productions and distributed by Universal Pictures. According to Blumhouse founder Jason Blum, the porch was both a natural next step for the Women in Places franchise and where the first film's inertia truly seems to be pulling both the woman and the audience. "A porch is a covered area, usually with a roof, usually attached to the front of a building, and often acting as a transition between two realities, the outside and the inside. Sometimes there is a swing and maybe a few potted plants. The script practically writes itself!"

Washington, D.C. - After many hours of tense negotiations among the Republican-majority House on Tuesday, Speaker Mike Johnson successfully convinced a few hesitant party members to help narrowly pass a GOP budget plan that includes the shutting down of a popular federally funded service for elderly dementia patients. Indiana dementia patient Madame Snugglepaws and her kitten Eileen Milton, shown here just prior to being incinerated in a government efficiency processing center "I enjoy a kitten as much as the next guy," Johnson explained to a crowd of White House-approved journalists after the vote. "And I understand that this service is inexpensive, popular, and proven in multiple studies to improve the lives of these people. Still...we are getting rid of it." The GOP plan was passed by a vote of 217-215 after holdouts like Indiana representative Victoria Spartz were swayed by the proposal to do away with the "Kittens for Grandma" service. According to Spartz, this is a big win for Americans looking to prevent the creep of government control into all aspects of society. "This isn't about the kittens, which are adorable and I'm sure very, very comforting for patients who are suffering from Alzheimer's. This is about taking this country back from the socialists who want to do away with core American values."

Washington, D.C. - After several weeks of global anxiety over a possible asteroid impact in 2032, the Earth is now considered safe thanks to decisive intervention from President Trump. President Trump, shown here demonstrating to a crowd of reporters where the large space rock might have come from if he hadn't stepped in. "People were saying that a large rock from the sky could have caused a lot of damage to one of our great American cities like Tampa or even Michigan," President Trump explained during a press conference yesterday. "But today I can tell you that because of my bold action to secure the borders of this planet, you are safe. And you will continue to be protected from any and all threats coming from the cosmos while I am in charge. I'm basically an Avenger." Asteroid 2024 YR4, first discovered in December and nicknamed the "Biden Boulder" by Trump, was at one point believed to have a 1 in 32 chance of colliding with the Earth where the estimated 164-foot could have leveled a large city or even two medium-sized cities located very close to each other. According to Trump, that chance is now essentially zero. "This is just another Biden mess I had to clean up. But Elon is a pretty smart guy, and I asked him 'Why don't you just shoot a rocket at it?' so that's what he did. And today Grok calculated an impact probability of 0.005%, and my approval rating is at 99.995%."

Culver City, CA - After months of uncertainty over who would have creative control of the franchise, a deal between Amazon's MGM Studios and "James Bond" rights holders Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli was announced this week, paving the way for President Trump to assume the role. President Trump, shown here at his fundraiser for taking kittens away from elderly dementia patients preparing to fight evil SWAMP mastermind LeSchiffre . "This is one of the most popular and resilient film franchises in entertainment history," Amazon founder and executive chairman Jeff Bezos explained. "I can't think of anyone better suited to filling the shoes of Daniel Craig than our president, who knows a thing or two about popularity and resilience and has a similar muscular physique. They won't even have to buy new tuxedos" The deal will give Amazon the opportunity to be in the driver's seat when it comes to all major creative decisions moving forward. According to Bezos, there was a lot more involved than merely choosing a virile alpha male that could play the lead role for decades because he is so healthy. "We also wanted someone with a mandate from the people to take on the evils of DEI, open borders, transgender ideology, and windmills."

Washington, D.C. - During a Fox News interview last night, President Trump once again attacked the previous administration over a COVID-19 prevention policy that he feels was invasive and excessive. President Trump, shown here explaining to a credulous Jake Tapper where babies come from. "Biden was a total disaster," Trump explained. "From the DEI in our military to the forced masking of babies before they are even born in order to prevent a virus. Can you believe it, a virus in babies? Nobody has ever heard of a baby, just weeks old in the womb, catching a cold, it's just a cold. Come on!" Though perhaps the most vocal critic of prenatal masking, Trump is not alone in his condemnation of the Biden White House's draconian approach to preventing the spread of COVID-19. According to Republican congressman Jim Jordan, mandatory fetal masking is only one thing for conservative voters to be angry about. "We can never let things go back to the way they were. These woke doctors were forcing unborn twins to be six feet apart. That's too far!" In order to ensure that all babies, born or otherwise, are protected from unproven and potentially dangerous interventions, Trump announced that he will be signing an executive order this week to tackle this important issue. "I call it Protecting Fetus Face Freedom and it's a beautiful order. No babies anywhere will have to wear a mask before they are even born. I met with historians yesterday and they said that President Washington and Lincoln couldn't sign a better executive order."