Lafayette, LA- Despite a weekend training course and several weeks of real world experience in the use of hand puppets and key jingling, JCPenney photographer JoAnne Milton was unable to stop 3-month-old Jessica Ayer's crying long enough to take a family portrait earlier today. Jessica Ayers, shown here just prior to becoming a vessel for the Dark Lord Satan "I just don't know what happened in there," Ms. Milton explained to a select panel of government officials and representatives from the Catholic church gathered in the nearby housewares department. "That baby wasn't responding to anything. Not even Cuddly Bear. It's like she's some kind of demon or something. It isn't right, that's for sure!" Though not the first time that Satan, or some lesser demon, has taken over the body of a child in a department store, some experts are calling this the most serious case of possession in decades. Clinical demonologist, Dr. Mort Fishman, has been involved in the diagnosis and management of several reported cases. "I was called in one time when a kid smeared feces all over the Easter Bunny at a Sears in Spokane. Not an Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny." After a thorough investigation by store management, and a conference call with Vatican leadership, JCPenney chairman Ronald Tysoe will decided what the next course of action will be. Store manager Ray Geddes was unwilling to speculate as to whether the Ayer's would receive a full cash refund or store credit, however he did state that "First and foremost we are worried about that baby's soul, but I have faith in the wisdom of our chairman...and the Pope."

Itasca, IL - A group of pediatric philosophers and psychologists with the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Section on Breastfeeding (SOBr) are recommending an update to the Apgar score system used to assess the health of newborns immediately after birth, with the hope of increasing focus on infant bonding. A newborn human, shown here screaming into the void of a seemingly meaningless existence even as he yearns desperately for the slightest sense of connection to something greater than himself "Historically the Apgar score has been used to provide a snapshot of how a newborn tolerated the birthing process and how they responded to any required resuscitation from a physical perspective," Jasmine Viator, an infant bonding expert and breastfeeding philosopher, explained. "But we have learned a lot about the newborn experience since the 1950s, so an update that takes into account the fundamental nature of their knowledge, reality, and existence is long overdue." First developed by Dr. Virginia Apgar in 1952, the scoring system that still carries her name as a helpful backronym inspired mnemonic involves the assessment of five key clinical components: Appearance - an infant's color as a surrogate marker of oxygen delivery to the tissues Pulse - an infant's heart rate Grimace - an infant's response to stimulation Activity - an infant's muscle tone Respiration - an infant's ability to breathe spontaneously Since the development of the scoring system, the science of newborn health has expanded significantly. According to Mort Fishman, MD, a pioneer in the field of neonatal psychiatry, the development of the infant psyche is intimately bound to health outcomes such as the risk of early-onset sepsis and hyperbilirubinemia. "Infant bonding, both to the mother and to the society into which the child is born, is an incredibly important foundational step in the process." "Feelings of dread and anxiety directly oppose the development of infant bonding," Fishman revealed. "Unlike non-human animals that rely on pure instinct to navigate their existence, the newborn human is faced with a profound and unique freedom of choice. It is the awareness of undefined possibilities and the heavy responsibility of choice that results in anxiety to varying degrees, though debilitating angst is still usually the mother's fault." In order to increase the early detection of newborn angst, and to respond effectively with measures aimed at building a sense of confidence and trust, Fishman and his colleagues are recommending adding a second "A" to the Apgar scoring system mnemonic. "We haven't decided yet if a determination of newborn angst should take place before or after assessing for the possibility of lung disease or a heart defect. They are both so important."

Lausanne, Switzerland- Based on a recently completed scientific assessment of 3rd generation kinesiology tapes increasingly used by elite athletes, as well as the advanced taping techniques developed since their introduction at the 2012 Summer Olympics, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) is considering a total ban of the performance enhancing tapes. Haphazard application of modern kinesiology tape will be the leading cause of death and loss of limb in elite athletes according to (remember to get the name of that expert from Jim). "This is an issue that the committee was taking very seriously long before start of the games in Paris and the unfortunate maiming of an American shot putter," IOC President Dr. Thomas Bach explained. "Progress in taping technology over the past 12 years has caught us all a little off guard. None of us want another Wheaties situation on our hands, and we certainly don't want any more Olympians becoming Paralympians because of haphazard taping." Most fans of the games are familiar with kinesiology tape, particularly after widespread use emerged during the 2012 London Summer Olympics. More primitive versions of kinesiology tape, and the rudimentary applications at the time, primarily served to aid in muscle recovery by improving lymphatic drainage and reducing inflammation. The latest applications actually appear to enhance athletic performance beyond what would have otherwise been humanly possible and is almost certainly what allowed so many unexpected results in Tokyo three years ago, such as Larry Anderson's performance in the tetrahedrathon that smashed the previous world record by 11 quods. The IOC-funded study found that modern kinesiology taping methods, which work by applying gentle traction to the tissue around muscles along a specific kinetic chain, results in performances far exceeding an individual competitor's innate potential. According to Dirk LaGrange, a Certified Kinesio Taping Practitioner, so-called "power taping" is clearly dangerous in the wrong hands. "Inexperienced trainers, sometimes even the athletes themselves, are applying tape that is now 180% more elastic with tighter weaving and stronger adhesive capability. Someone was bound to lose an arm."

Arlington, VA- The Infectious Diseases Society of America (IDSA) has issued a new set of guidelines for the prevention of hospital acquired-infections that includes the recommendation that all hospitals transition to single-use therapy dogs by 2030. Single-use therapy dog and good boy, Thomas Cavendish, shown here mere moments before being incinerated to reduce hospital infection rates and methane emissions "The IDSA understands and appreciates the joy that a visit from a therapy dog can bring to a hospitalized patient," IDSA President Steven Schmitt, MD explained. "Our new guidelines allow for both high quality infection control and snuggling with an adorable canine companion. In fact, that's one of our core values." While the majority of American hospitals do not currently use disposable therapy dogs, some have been stocking them for years. Mort Fishman MD , Chief of Infection Control and Prevention at Our Lady of the Bloated Coffers Regional Medical Center in Lafayette, Louisiana, initiated a move to single-use dogs in 2022. "It cost us $73 million to expand storage and upgrade disposal capabilities, but it was worth it after that unfortunate autoclave incident." Some critics of the program are citing environmental concerns. According to Fishman, single-use therapy dogs do increase a hospital's carbon footprint. "As with most problems, however, finding a compromise is important. If desired, patients can opt out of the single-use program and snuggle with our multi-use dog Chet as long as they sign a waiver. But he's a farter."

Miami, Fl - Experts with the Miami Police Department are reaching out to parents and teachers of young children to raise awareness of pediatric excited delirium, a potentially dangerous condition often associated with ingestions of powerful stimulants. Miami baby Gary Peterson, shown here developing fructose-induced excited delirium and just prior to being shot by the police "We aren't talking about your average run-of-the-mill toddler tantrums," Corporal Chad Blaze , a developmental psychologist and founding member of the MPD Pediatric Behavioral Dysregulation Unit, better known by its RACE KAR acronym, explained. "It's simple. Recognize agitation. Control the environment. Ketamine and restraints. Our mascot is a little talking Camaro that the kids just love once they regain consciousness." RACE KAR unit members are called to any scene involving an agitated toddler and are highly trained in the early recognition of excited delirium, a dangerous state involving the sudden onset of bizarre and even aggressive behavior. According to Blaze, the risk of pediatric excited delirium is higher when large groups of toddlers are exposed to substances laced with chemicals like glucose, fructose, and sucrose. "I've seen children who are usually pretty calm start running around, shouting, and refusing to follow basic instructions or even a lawful time out order. But with the restraints in place and the drugs on board, I stop feeling threatened."

Montgomery, AL - According to a recently published study, giving birth does not result in an increased need for sleep. Birthing Unit # 19,251,450 "Jennifer", shown here happily fulfilling her righteous duty on 1-2 hours of sleep per night "Women in general simply don't need that much sleep," Charp Ullman, Chief of Science at God's Judgement Center for Biblical Truth explained. "And we have proven with this study that childbirth doesn't change that fact, so they should all just stop worrying their pretty little heads about it." The study, published this week in Online Publishing Module 17,809: Conservative Men's Women's Health Weekly , calls into question a number of beliefs about a woman's body promoted by some healthcare professionals. According to Ullman, the results were expected and inspiring. "Women, and especially mothers, are amazing. They do so much for society by having and raising our babies, and now they can rest easy knowing that they don't actually need to rest."

Cambridge, MA- Researchers near the Department of Materials Science and Engineering at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology held a press conference today to discuss the development and possible applications of gluten-free medical examination gloves. A physician, let's just call him Steve, shown here donning a pair of gluten-free gloves before performing a routine plectal scraping on a patient suffering from tertiary grimp "Gluten intolerance is a serious and increasingly common problem, and for years medical practitioners have been forced to wear examination gloves that put patient health at risk," lead researcher Pauline Aliana explained. "Ten years and half a billion dollars later, we can say with pride that these gloves contain absolutely no wheat, no spelt, no barley, and not even a trace of rye!" Unlike patients with Celiac disease, an autoimmune condition where exposure to gluten causes inflammation of the small intestine in about one percent of the population, a growing number of people are blaming gluten on a host of vague physical and psychological complaints. Irritable bowels, headaches, fibromyalgia, chronic irritability, and fatigue are common complaints from people who are worried about gluten. Physicians who care for them, and gluten intolerance advocate groups, have long been waiting for the development of gluten-free medical products to complement the growing number of gluten-free foods such as cauliflower, bottled water, and chicken. Mort Fishman, Director of Questionable Illnesses at the nearby Marino Integrative Health Center, was pleased but also encouraged researchers to look to the future.  "It is nice to have options when working with patients who are cutting gluten out of their lives, but what about WiFi and electromagnetic radiation sensitivity? What about my patients with adrenal fatigue or chronic Lyme? Where are the gloves for them?"

Gulf Breeze, FL - Men all over the United States are growing increasingly frustrated that their unique health concerns , particularly challenges involving penile erections, are being largely ignored by medical research and downplayed by society. Senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate JD Vance, shown here estimating the size of Donald Trump's penis during a speech at the 2024 Republican National Convention "We are sick and tired of being the butt of jokes and having our problems taken less seriously than other people's problems," Jock Manly, president of the Gulf Breeze chapter of Man Awareness Now (MAN) and an outspoken advocate for improvements in erection science, explained. "Why am I unable to have the kind of erection that I deserve, and for as long as I need it?" Manly, who also works as a part time cryptocurrency explainer, is talking about the infamous 4-hour restriction that doctors have set on erections for decades. But according to a MAN position statement authored by Manly and released last month, four hours simply isn't long enough for many men. "We are fed up with these limitations and we are calling for the NIH to dedicate resources to solving this problem. Any further delays are nothing but whatever the opposite of misogyny is."

Gainesville, FL - The American College of Pediatricians (ACPeds) , a national organization of pediatricians and other healthcare professionals dedicated to the health and well-being of some children, has issued guidance for parents on having "the talk". A conservative mother, shown here explaining to her 6-year-old daughter about Biden's treasonous open border policies and how using barbed wire to keep out illegals protects her from being raped by brown people. "Talking to kids about the border is never easy," ACPeds President Michael Artigues explained. "But it's a very important talk to have, and we think that parents should start early with children as young as toddlers in an age-appropriate way using pictures, connect the dots worksheets, and maybe some matching games." The new pamphlet, "How to Talk to Your Kids About the Border Before Somebody Else Does", gives conservative parents a number of helpful tips to get the conversation started. According to Artigues, an easy way to start is by simply using the right names for criminals who sneak into the country illegally. "Young children can understand that breaking the rules is wrong, and they will love the "Find the Illegals" activities included in our pamphlet. It's like Where's Waldo but with members of MS-13"   The parenting experts at ACPeds know that children learn how to act and feel from other adults, friends and classmates, and the animated Rachel Maddow show on MSNBC's Kidz Zone every Saturday morning. They believe that sharing your personal values with your children should be the cornerstone of a conservative education, and talking about the border early and often is the key. Finding an event, such as the early and unsubstantiated reports of a horrific murder or a scary expose of how fentanyl is being smuggled into the country from Mexico and hidden in random bake sale brownies by evil drug dealing liberal elite soccer moms, is the perfect opportunity to bring up this important topic. "You can get the ball rolling," Artigues revealed. "But let your child lead the conversation. Be open and honest. If you aren't sure how to answer a question, tell them to trust that mommy and daddy know best and then tell them about replacement theory and the importance of having as many white babies as possible in order to preserve their culture. Be ready to reassure younger children that you won't let them be replaced, and that's why daddy keeps that loaded gun in the drawer next to his bed." Building trust is an important component of communicating with young children. Artigues says that it's important for children to know that their parents will still love and support them no matter what decisions they make about the border. "Explain what the border is and what policies can lead to millions of criminals flooding into our country and the dangers we face. And be sure to talk about walls and barbed wire methods of prevention." Finally, Artigues warns parents to avoid making assumptions. "Don't assume that your teen is conservative. He or she may have already been brainwashed by a book in their school library, a remake of an 80s movie with women in the lead roles instead of men, a man in a dress who is happy, or that time a woman who was born with a penis said she likes Bud Light." Talking about the border is not the same as giving permission to go to the border. That's for armed militia members and politicians who can't get any meaningful legislation passed and are up for reelection. But having "the talk" helps your child to make the right decisions on their own with your guidance. And if you aren't comfortable talking to your child about the border, find another adult who is, such as the team doctor for a girl's gymnastics organization, an itinerant youth pastor, or a former priest who doesn't want to talk about why he quit the church.

Two U.S. painters have qualified for the Paris games - Winthrop Alabaster IV (AlaBlaster) and Cordelia Sinclair (Brush Bitch) - and two spots remain. Paris - For the first time in history, the Paris Games will feature competitive painting as an official Olympic sport. Competitive painting judge P-Slap Birchmore, shown here just after handing out a red flag for illegal tracing "Paint will be flying, next level imaginations will be revealed, and athletes will be showcasing their insane brush skills," long time competitive painter and first time Olympic judge Robert "P-Slap" Birchmore explained. "People all over the world are going to get the chance to see "splatters", "stippling", "dabbing", "glazing", and even that thing where we use our fingernail to scratch the canvas in order to reveal a layer of paint underneath. And all while enjoying a glass of wine and an assortment of local cheeses!" Competitive painting made its debut at the 2018 Fine Arts Showdown in Barcelona, where it drew a crowd of over several people, making it by far the most popular event that morning. The Olympics declared it a "thing we heard about it," and now both organizers and athletes hope to replicate that success on the largest stage in the world for sports. "The Olympic games are a huge opportunity to educate people on competitive painting," United States Competitive Painting Association (USCPA) president Dudley Chaddington revealed. "We couldn't be happier that the sport is finally getting the recognition that has benefitted other recent additions to the Olympic program, like surfing, skateboarding, and extreme breastfeeding." The addition of these sports is helping to reach a wider demographic, many of which are younger, more active on social media, and less likely to get excited about traditional Olympic track and field events, swimming, and that one where 12-year-old girls do flips. According to International Olympic Committee President Thomas Bach, millions of children around the world are going to be inspired to pick up a paintbrush. "If we get this right, children will be looking at AlaBlaster and Brush Bitch as role models instead of people like Volodymyr Zelenskyy, who is fine but, I mean, it's all a bit much if you ask me." Competitive painting is as much an art as it is an athletic endeavor, and it is characterized by extreme concentration, steady footwork, and a variety of techniques that generally involve the application of paint to a blank canvas using a brush or maybe a palette knife. In Paris, the competition will be divided into two events - one for women and one for men - with 16 painters going brush-to-brush in a riveting group battle where each athlete has up to an hour to paint. There will also be music, probably something with a violin. After the painting is done and all the brushes are cleaned and safely back in their vacuum-sealed composite steel carrying cases, judging can begin. Judges will be looking at a number of key performance and outcome variables when deciding the winner of each competition, such as standing footwork, canvas placement, and brush control, in addition to how much each painting transports them back to their childhood. According to Birchmore, who has judged more competitive painting battles than anyone else in history, there is a mix of both subjective and objective criteria. "You get a feel for it, the rhythm of mixing paint on the palette and each individual brushstroke. I would be lying if I said there wasn't an opportunity for some showboating with a few crowd-pleasing power strokes, like gradient blending, double and even triple loading, or the overhead thunder smudge."

Nashville, TN - According to a recent study near Vanderbilt, an increasing number of new parents are using social media for inspiration when it comes to choosing a name for their babies. Two new parents, shown here lovingly gazing at their newborn son Mr. Beast, who later attempted to return the baby at a local GameStop "These are younger parents who have grown up with the internet and social media as a big part of their lives," Mort Fishman MD , an obstetrician and Director of Millennial Engagement for Uber's Deliveries on Demand service, explained. "They understand that a baby's name is a important factor in driving up follower counts, impressions, reach, and ultimately that child's total engagement with their audience." The new study, which involved leaving survey questions in the comments of more than 500 TikTok posts between January of 2023 and March of 2024, found that 15% of parents are turning to social media for help with choosing a baby name, a dramatic increase from a 1998 study using AOL chat rooms. According to Fishman, who had more than 11 followers on Post News before it was shut down in May, the study's main finding comes as a shock to the baby naming industry. "I couldn't believe it. 15% is just a huge number of babies with names like Hawk Tuah Jenkins. But mostly I'm worried about the lost revenue for professional baby naming services."

Atlanta, GA - A newly published CDC study on the sexual habits of adolescents comes as a bit of good news in these uncertain times. Though millions of adults continue to face hardships related to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, the sluggish economy, the loss of basic human rights, and the intensifying death rattle of American democracy, fewer teenagers are being followed by shape shifting sex demons. A group of non-voting American 18-19-year-old teenagers, shown here celebrating both a freedom from all personal responsibility and their invulnerability to all disease, trauma, and general life dissatisfaction. "This really is great news," Mort Fishman , a doctor of clinical demonology and lead author of the study, explained. "But it's not a reason for anyone under the age of 25 to let their guard down. Remember, when you sleep with someone, you are sleeping with everyone that they ever slept with, and it only takes one asshole with a sex demon on their tail to ruin your chances of going to a good college or grad school, or finding that perfect forever job." The new research found that 1 in 50 teenagers were stalked by a vengeful sex demon at least once in the past year, which is a 30% decline from a decade ago. Experts, like Fishman and his colleagues near Harvard, say that the reason for the decline in these events, known as "followings", is unclear. "Perhaps it's a change in sexual behavior. We've also seen fewer teen pregnancies, for example. But maybe the entities have just been more successful, and dead kids don't respond to surveys. I love my job."