Washington, D.C. - After several weeks of global anxiety over a possible asteroid impact in 2032, the Earth is now considered safe thanks to decisive intervention from President Trump.
"People were saying that a large rock from the sky could have caused a lot of damage to one of our great American cities like Tampa or even Michigan," President Trump explained during a press conference yesterday. "But today I can tell you that because of my bold action to secure the borders of this planet, you are safe. And you will continue to be protected from any and all threats coming from the cosmos while I am in charge. I'm basically an Avenger."
Asteroid 2024 YR4, first discovered in December and nicknamed the "Biden Boulder" by Trump, was at one point believed to have a 1 in 32 chance of colliding with the Earth where the estimated 164-foot could have leveled a large city or even two medium-sized cities located very close to each other. According to Trump, that chance is now essentially zero. "This is just another Biden mess I had to clean up. But Elon is a pretty smart guy, and I asked him 'Why don't you just shoot a rocket at it?' so that's what he did. And today Grok calculated an impact probability of 0.005%, and my approval rating is at 99.995%."
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