La Jolla, CA- As millions of lonely Americans face an uncertain future, many are experiencing increased anxiety over the prospect of living through their remaining years alone. A revolutionary new dating service harnessing the power of neurotechnology is hoping to step in and relieve those fears.
"Recent surveys have revealed that the second most common death-related fear in men, coming in just behind dying on the toilet at work, is dying alone," romance researcher Rex Remington revealed. "And women aren't any less worried and lonely, with 95% citing failure to find a suitable partner before the prophesied apocalypse as their biggest fear."
Despite the seemingly infinite variety of online dating sites and smartphone applications catering to both general and niche markets, single men and women are finding it increasingly difficult to find meaningful and lasting relationships as the democracy they grew up in crumbles around them. There is a significant demand for better accuracy when it comes to matching service predictions of potential passion, but efficiency is also a must as modern couples look to fit the transition from premarital life to permanent partnership into a busy schedule of work and learning how to hide from roaming Republican enforcement squads. Advances in modern neuroimaging technology, such as functional MRI (fMRI) brain scanning, may soon help thousands to make that true love connection.
Experts at the Scripps Dating Research Institute in La Jolla believe that the ability to unlock the brain's hidden secrets plays a key role in finding a perfect match. According to Dr. Remington, fMRI technology measures the activity of the brain by measuring changes in blood flow. "Areas that are more active receive more flow, allowing patterns of activation to be interpreted and, in the case of attempting to find true love, matched for compatibility. Nothing else provides this kind of precision when it comes to pairing two soulmates screaming desperately into the void as everything they care about in this world falls apart."
In order to put the new process to the test, Scripps dating researchers asked study subjects a variety of questions about their lifestyle, interests, and feelings about a range of topics such as religion and child rearing preferences while undergoing fMRI scanning. Patterns of brain activation were put through a patented matchmaking algorithm and a match was found. And so far, the results have been nothing short of amazing.
"Out of our first ten test pairings, we've had two marriages, a one-night stand, and a nice long chat," Remington explained. "And only two of the pairings ended in a ritual murder suicide pact." Scripps plans on bringing the service to market this Summer under the name Intimate Connections.
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