Republican Budget Plan Threatens Kittens for Elderly Service

Washington, D.C. - After many hours of tense negotiations among the Republican-majority House on Tuesday, Speaker Mike Johnson successfully convinced a few hesitant party members to help narrowly pass a GOP budget plan that includes the shutting down of a popular federally funded service for elderly dementia patients.

Indiana dementia patient Madame Snugglepaws and her kitten Eileen Milton, shown here just prior to being incinerated in a government efficiency processing center

"I enjoy a kitten as much as the next guy," Johnson explained to a crowd of White House-approved journalists after the vote. "And I understand that this service is inexpensive, popular, and proven in multiple studies to improve the lives of these people. Still...we are getting rid of it."

The GOP plan was passed by a vote of 217-215 after holdouts like Indiana representative Victoria Spartz were swayed by the proposal to do away with the "Kittens for Grandma" service. According to Spartz, this is a big win for Americans looking to prevent the creep of government control into all aspects of society. "This isn't about the kittens, which are adorable and I'm sure very, very comforting for patients who are suffering from Alzheimer's. This is about taking this country back from the socialists who want to do away with core American values."