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New York - Scientists around the world are warning families about a hilarious but dangerous social media trend that could result in criminal charges and serious injuries, including the end of all life on Earth, or worse. Three teenagers planning their next TikTok prank. Could they be the boys that ultimately kill us all? Yes. A thousand times yes! According to Regibald Teaborne, a spokesperson for the United Nations Interagency Task Force on Global Catastrophic Threats, the trend has increased in popularity in recent weeks prompting worldwide laughter and concern. "Numerous incidents have been reported across the globe. And though it gets funnier each and every time it happens, it puts us at risk. All of us. There really would be no escape for anyone in a worst case scenario." "So far, none of these local incidents have caused more than a few dozen deaths, some structural damage to a few buildings, and a few million smiley face emojis," Teaborne explained. "But at this rate it's only a matter of time before one of these pranks triggers something more substantial than an LOL or even an ROFL. It could be something much more dangerous." The pranks, typically recorded and posted to social media sites like TikTok by lonely teenage boys seeking virtual attention and validation in the form of increasing follower counts, are particularly high risk. Teaborne, whose nephew has a computer, is hoping that by increasing awareness of the dangers, the Task Force will convince these children and young adults to stop putting the lives of every living thing on Earth at risk. "We are talking about a complete and irrevocable severing of the bonds that tie our own universe to the greater multiverse. We are talking about a complete decoupling of our reality. We will be broken down into quantum foam and it will be an absolute riot, but it will also be extremely painful and we will all be dead." Teaborne and the task force want the public to know that individuals participating in these pranks may face serious legal consequences. "This might include arrest and criminal charges such as trespassing or extinction-level vandalism. Things could turn from amusing to Armageddon in the blink of an eye and you are risking going from edgy comic to eternally cancelled before you know it." The United Nations Interagency Task Force on Global Catastrophic Threats is urging parents and guardians to speak with their children about online viral challenges and the risk of bringing about cataclysmic devastation or even the Biblical end of days. They are encouraging conversations about safe, responsible choices when it comes to social media use. Finally, they recommend holding your children close and telling them that you love them.

Cambridge, MA - Researchers in ancient Chinese medicine and advanced robotics near the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) believe that they are close to a breakthrough that would allow for successful acupuncture treatments on the cellular level. An acupuncturist and acupuncture anesthetist performing robotically-assisted acupuncture on a patient who has been feeling kind of tired lately. Also...AI? "This is kind of the Holy Grail of acupuncture that many experts in the field have thought would be impossible," project leader Malt McCoy explained. "But with recent advances in both robotics and artificial intelligence, we may soon be able to revolutionize the way we approach the management of most, if not all, human illness." As is often the case throughout human history, personal tragedy served as an inspiration for future discovery. McCoy, who lost his mother when he was a sophomore in high school, has never forgotten how it felt to be truly helpless in the face of an adversity that doctors said wasn't something that they could help with. He dedicated his life to finding a way to cure all human illness as a tribute to his mother, who he later found hiding in the upstairs linen closet. Robot-assisted surgery is a well established treatment modality in modern medicine. According to McCoy, technology such as Intuitive's da Vinci 5 Surgical System, which boasts state-of-the-art robotics featuring 3D high-definition magnification and enhanced haptics, has given acupuncturists the ability to maneuver with far greater precision than human wrists and fingers on their own. "We just needed needles small enough to work at the microscopic scale of individual cells, which are much smaller than most people realize." Why would acupuncture treatments focusing on individual cells be better than inserting needles into the skin? I reached out to Dr. Mort Fishman, a gynecological acupuncturist who works with the da Vinci system in his fertility acupuncture practice, for an explanation: Cells are the fundamental building blocks of life. They make up all our tissues, organs, and body systems. Shoving a tiny needle through a cell's membrane and directly into an organelle, like a mitochondrion, a ribosome , a golgi body, or even the nucleus itself, is going to do something spectacular in terms of health. "The first and arguably most important step in this long journey was the development of needles small enough to enter a cell without just smooshing it," McCoy revealed. "The process involves highly advanced microfabrication techniques like photolithography, reactive ion etching, and nanowhittling to produce such sharp and incredibly tiny needles." The second step, and one that might take even longer, will be the development of clinically verified acupoints. McCoy admits that it won't be easy. "It's going to take a combination of electron microscopy and intuition when it comes to mapping meridian channels in each organelle. In many ways, acupuncture is a hard science. But in others, it's an art. An intimate dance between provider and patient, or in this case, a patient's rough endoplasmic reticulum." Why AI? Couldn't the team simply program the acupuncture robots to function based on treatment protocols once they are established? McCoy disagrees with such superficial critiques of his work. "To be human is to explore the unknown and shine the light of science into the darkness. And if there wasn't at least a small chance that what we are doing might one day kill us all, what is the point? Do you see what I did there? Because it's acupuncture?"

Washington, D.C. - The United States Senate has approved the appointment of high school junior Kimberly Jergen to lead NASA after an unorthodox nomination process where President Donald Trump seemed at times unsure of his choice. NASA Chief Kimberly Jergen, shown here going to meet up with some friends at Sephora Jergen, 16, a member of her school's astrology club who became the first non-senior to serve as its president, is also the first NASA administrator in decades to come directly from outside government. For many, her tenure as administrator will be judged by one crucial test - whether NASA will successfully put humans on the surface of the moon before America's primary rival China. Trump has been laser focused on the establishment of a permanent lunar base that would allow for the extraction of resources and play a key role in reaching Mars, where he hopes to find attractive alien women. A computer rendered image of a potential Martian woman as described by President Trump "I won't get into specific plans," Jergen explained. "But the Sun is in Capricorn, which means that under my new leadership NASA will take a realistic and grounded approach to life that is about getting things done and valuing what is worthwhile. This organization wants to feel useful and effective, and needs worldly recognition, but it takes pleasure in the simple things in life." Senators voted by a large margin, 67-30, to confirm Jergen's appointment despite her nomination being withdrawn by the president at one point. According to Trump, his hesitance in putting forward the nomination months ago should not be taken as a sign of a lack of confidence. "I think Kimberly is a beautiful young lady and is very confident and tall. She reminds me a lot of Ivanka when she was almost legal. What? I can say whatever I want now!" "This is the right time for taking action," Jergen revealed. "NASA is going to be all about planning for the future and taking charge of life, but it will also be about slow and steady progress. We will strive to balance being risk-averse with less inhibition while trying to avoid being distrustful and guarded. Ultimately we will focus on the value of hard work and the achievements of our predecessors." The NASA administrator role will be Jergen's first job in politics. She will succeed Sean Duffy , the transportation Secretary, who served as interim NASA Chief since July and can do lots of pull-ups.

Cape Canaveral, FL - Though the moon has long served as a focus of numerous myths, legends, beliefs, and conspiracy theories, scientists have yet to find convincing evidence of any significant impact on human behavior or physiology. Perhaps, that is, until now. A highly sophisticated graph, shown here proving the benefit of chiropractic care during a full moon and that the Apollo 11 mission was obviously staged by NASA and that guy who directed The Shining Skeptics are quick to deny the moon's role in human health, but believers, even highly trained medical professionals, are plentiful. And a variety of potential mechanisms of action for so-called "lunar effects" have been proposed over the millennia since the moon was discovered just floating up there in the sky for no obvious reason. But just how the moon might increase fertility or suicide rates, for example, remains largely a mystery. There are far more questions than answers when it comes to the moon. What is it? How did it get way up there? Who put it there? What is the source of its light? But chiropractic researchers with the American Academy of Space Chiropractic (AASC) near Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral may finally have a few answers. "Let's face it, we don't know much about the moon," space chiropractic researcher Jill Alcabaz explained. "But that doesn't mean that we can't harness its healing powers. It would be foolish to let something as irrelevant as basic scientific plausibility stand in our way when there are literally millions of potential patients out there in need of our help." Alcabaz and her team of experts on the human spine at the AASC set out to gain a better understanding of lunar effects a little over one Earth year ago. And what they found may change the way that Western science thinks about the moon and chiropractic healthcare. "We recruited 5,000 patients with really bad headaches to take part in the trial, which involved half of the subjects being assigned to chiropractic care during a full moon and the other half receiving a pamphlet on self-administered home chiropractic adjustments to be done on days of the month without a full moon." The team assessed headache severity using a standard scale from one to five, with one being headache free and five being a really, really bad headache. After the year-long observation period concluded, 97% of the 42 patients who completed the study and underwent chiropractic care during a full moon either did not have a headache when filling out the survey, or their headache was a 4 or less on the severity scale. Of the remaining participants who received the instructional pamphlet, only 3 were headache free with one additional subjects having scored less than 5. When Alcabaz and her team reviewed the results, they were impressed...very impressed: After some pretty sophisticated statistical analysis using my son's TI-80 graphing calculator, we found that combining chiropractic care with the beneficial rays of the full moon resulted in a statistically important improvement in headache severity and the likelihood that a subject's headache would resolve completely. I can't say that about the subjects who performed home adjustments. I can't...and I won't. The results of the study aren't surprising to everyone in the chiropractic community. Frank Grimes, DC, a chiropractic practicing in Belvidere, NE for over twenty Earth years, has seen the miraculous benefits of quality chiropractic administered by a trained professional first hand. "You can't just do it at home and expect the same results. I went to school for four years to learn how to do this. I question the methodology and the ethics of this study, and I'm going to prove that you don't need a full moon to get results." Chiropractor and outspoken lunar effects skeptic Frank Grimes, is now recruiting subjects for his "New Moon Madness" study for only $59.99  The paper, which will be published in Online Publishing Module # 917 - Family Chiropractic, Space Stuff next month, may have proven that the full moon does affect the human body, but it fails to explain how. Alcabaz has some ideas, however. "The human body is mostly comprised of water, carbon, protein, and energy. Chiropractic impacts the flow of energy and the moon causes ocean tides. I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here."

Washington, D.C. - Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS) Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., and the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA), released new official dietary guidance on Wednesday that contradicts the classic food pyramid. A nervous RFK Jr., shown here imagining that a group of reporters is a giant ham in order to keep from wetting himself, but if he did wet himself, it was intentional and meant to mark his territory with the powerful scent of his musky urine "The USDA had abandoned the food pyramid in 2011 and converted to the MyPlate recommendation," Health and Human Services spokesperson Rich Danker explained. "But the round plate confused most Americans, who tend to prefer pointier shapes, so they just ignored it. It was long overdue for an overhaul, and Bobby was really excited about playing an active role in the process. If that doesn't show real leadership, then maybe I just don't know what would anymore." The updated guidelines, designed as a pleasing inverted triangle shape found to somewhat remind a majority of American men aged 18-25 of women's pubic hair in a recent government survey, emphasize "real food" high in saturated fat. According to Kennedy, this involves a focus on red meat and whole-fat dairy. "Yes, those are important. A great way for Americans of all ages to do this is by including more meat-based fruits and vegetables in their diet. You would be surprised how easy it is to incorporate a big hunk of wild bear meat into a vegan quinoa chickpea salad, or to wrap bacon around small chunks of pineapple. And is it really too much to ask that science develop a watermelon that is full of flank steak instead of whatever watermelon is?" "A number of nutrition scientists and subject-matter experts popular on TikTok and Instagram were selected for the advisory committee and conducted comprehensive scientific street interviews of some really attractive men and women," Danker revealed about the process of developing the new guidelines. "These reviews underwent vigorous internal quality checks, if you know what I mean. Bobby loves that joke. We kid around a lot at HHS and yes, women generally don't feel very comfortable here." The 2026 USDA Food Pyramid, shown here providing expert guidance on the recommended intake of dietary gristles, giblets, and gravies, which is a lot. You should eat a lot of them. Though the updated food pyramid primarily features solid foods, like giant broccoli and loose coffee beans, that is not the only focus. Kennedy, an environmental lawyer with years of experience both eating and drinking, believes that liquid nutrition can be just as important as solid foods and even those canned peas that are really mushy. "Milk is close to the top of the bottom of the pyramid because it contains a number of key nutrients, especially if it's raw and consumed straight from the source in order to fully absorb its vital essence. I actually wanted to just put a picture of a cow udder but everyone else thought it would be too confusing because people might start eating udders."

Brabara Bloodstone Human Psychic Host of The E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker 2025 is in the books and what a year it was. From the publication of research on the discovery of a third kidney to the retraction of the fraudulent study a few months later, there have been more ups and downs than anyone could have ever imagined. And I'm one of the most powerful psychics in Nebraska! 2026 is shaping up to be even more wild. As I accurately predicted on New Year's Eve when I wrote that 2026 would be a big year in politics, Donald Trump has invaded the nation of Venezuela and taken custody of it's autocratic dictator. Who could have seen that one coming other than the woman who helped reunite James Cagney with that old lady from Titanic for a date on Valentine's Day in 2018? That's right...nobody! I'm back today with specific guidance from beyond the veil that separates the living from dead to help all of you make 2026 your best year in decades. Maybe even your best year ever. At least in the top five. And certainly better than 1968. First off, always remember to be yourself. Nobody is better at being you, than you! I'm sensing that sometimes you can be a little shy and hesitant to speak up, while in certain situations you come out of your shell and are the life of the party. Experience each moment and live in it the way that feels true. They key to authentically living your best life is to understand that. Stay active! I've been saying for years that movement is key to achieving goals, and now even the medical establishment agrees. They recommend constant exercise at all times! But listen you your body and take a break when you need it. Balance will be important for you in 2026. I'm hearing from one of your dead relatives, who is a man or a woman with a name that starts with an A, C, E, F, H, L, O, P, R, S, U, T, or W, that you sometimes want to do something and then you do it, though there are also times where you change your mind. I recommend that you explore those feelings of uncertainty by buying my 2006 book, How to Unlock Your Secret Psychic Potential With the Power of Quantum Energy! . There are lots of blank pages for writing down all of your feelings for our 15-minute private virtual psychic counseling session for only $99. Few things will be as important for making 2026 the year of (insert your first name) than a healthy diet. But just eating a bunch of random fruits and vegetables is one of the worst things you can do. Each of you has a highly specific vibrational relationship with certain foods that will unlock their hidden potential. Depending on the frequency locked in at the moment of your conceptions (astral not biological), a carrot could help support immune function, heart health, and vision or cause weeks of plectal (biological not astral) derangement. How do you discover what fruits and vegetables are a match for you frequency? Nothing could be simpler! Just sign up for a year of my nutritional enhancement coaching, which includes 12 virtual sessions and a complete vibrational analysis that can be performed conveniently over the phone, preferably a landline for the best results. And at only $499, you can't afford not to give me money! When I was young, before I was given my immense psychic powers by a magic bird while hiking in the mountains near Sedona, AZ, I would have given anything for this kind of guidance. I was lost, wandered aimlessly from town to town and occasionally solving the problems of the people I would meet along the way, like when I helped a small village fend off an attack by a group of outlaws. Today I am the foremost non-pet psychic and communicator with dead celebrities, I assume in the entire world.

Psychic Predictions for the Year 2026 by Brabara Bloodstone World famous psychic and host of E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone, shown here calling a Blockbuster Video to see if they have a copy of The Witches of Eastwick As 2025 takes its few remaining agonal breaths before death overtakes it, I am reminded of the time I introduced Rock Hudson to Brittany Murphy during the taping of the 2012 New Year's Eve episode of Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker . Hudson played it cool, as he usually did with the ladies, but I know when sparks are flying even in those in whom the spark of life has been extinguished by the ravages of time and whatever it was that killed him. Probably something super macho, like being crushed by a tractor. Regardless, I assume that they are still together today making sweet spectral love in the hereafter. And just as I guided those two late lovebirds to eternal happiness, I'm here today to guide my living readers through the months ahead. The future, as with the past, can very complex after all. Just ask those kids from Stranger Things . Seriously, ask them. I'll wait. People may interpret historical events differently depending on their life experiences and personal biases, making my job of peering through the mists of time an extremely complex endeavor. I find that extremely intelligent people tend to understand my prophecies rather easily once explained. On the other hand, people who are ignorant may remain skeptical for years. Sometimes after death, when only I have the power to communicate with them, they do eventually realize their mistake. Often my predictions do not become clear until years later. Like when I predicted the Great Depression a full decade before it began, not by foreseeing the Wall Street Crash of 1929 specifically but by dreaming about a sad clown being devoured by an escaped circus lion. That revelation earned me an appearance on the Fleischmann Yeast Hour musical variety radio program right after Yippy the Wonder Mutt. Who's laughing now, Yippy? I don't actually know what Yippy is doing right now because I'm not a ghost celebrity pet psychic, at least not yet. Not every prediction of mine has the power to enlighten an entire nation or to entertain young children. For every missing toddler that I envision being probably alive somewhere near a pond, giving families several more hours of desperate hope, I am forced to endure the pain of knowing the innermost secrets of friends, family members, and even strangers that I pass on the street. For example, you are a pervert. I won't say your name but you know who you are and you need to stop it. There is nothing more important to me than these yearly predictions. Even the slightest distraction could prevent me from saving countless lives by warning of a terrorist attack somewhere in the world, maybe even in Eastern Europe. That's why I have spent the past few days in my basement, and in a medically induced coma under the excellent care of my personal ghost physician, Dr. Harold Borstein. My predictions are sometimes imperfect. That may not be what you expected to hear from the woman who warned the world that a boat would sink off the coast of South America in 2025 months before President Trump began his war on Venezuelan drug/tuna smugglers. The visions that come to me are usually clear but they can sometimes be difficult to bring into focus, because my connection to the ancient spirit of the Atlantean warlord Tyrannis Oceanmaster is weakened when I forget to put my cellphone into airplane mode. Here are my top predictions for 2026: 2026 will be a big year in politics, with the midterm elections serving as a key focal point. Shocking the nation, a new third party formed by millions of Joe Rogan listeners, their brains having achieved optimum power and efficiency thanks to a revolutionary cocktail of performance boosting nootropic testosterone-infused creatine gummies with CBD, will assume leadership of the country. This will usher in a golden age of peace and prosperity where all our gains will be maximum and all our characters will be main. Climate change will continue to play a role in unprecedented weather events, like acid snow, sleetnados, and hailicanes. In July, the soccer game of a young child somewhere in Ohio will be cancelled due to heat, angering the child's mother and resulting in a chain of events that will eventually lead to China declaring war against the island nation of Taiwan. Karens are the worst, amirite? Music will play an important role in the lives of millions of people around the world, but not in a way you would think. Seriously. Think of a way right now. Nope, not even close. I really think you are going to be surprised by this one when it happens. Oh you'll know it when it does. A cure for cancer will be discovered in February, but millions of Americans will refuse to take it after learning that researchers used the remains of an aborted fetus from 1957 to develop the inexpensive, completely safe, and 100% successful treatment because pro-life advocates are nothing if not consistent in the expression of their deeply held beliefs. Breakfast as a meal and a general concept will cease to exist as we know it, having been fully replaced by brunch in the Fall of 2026. Young children will look forward to "brunch for dinner" nights where they will feast on eggs Benedict and avocado toast while they guzzle down mimosas, Bellinis, and Bloody Marys. Oh, kids all drink now...and it's adorable! Bonus prediction: Donald Trump...Jr.?

Washington, D.C. - The Trump-Kennedy Center says it plans to file a $1 million lawsuit against Krampus, the half-goat, half-demon former Republican once considered for a high-ranking position in the Trump administration , after cancelling his appearance at an annual Christmas Eve performance. Krampus, shown here posing on the red carpet at the 2025 Met Gala and right before tossing Blue Ivy Carter into his burlap sack "Krampus pulled out right after President Trump's name was added to the exterior of our highly respected performing arts center in D.C.," Trump-Kennedy Center spokesperson Roma Daravi explained. "Cancelling a show over political differences isn't about courage or principles. It is selfish, intolerant, and a failure to meet the basic duty of a public artist to serve at the pleasure of the president." The president took to Truth Social to voice his displeasure during the routine placement of a double lumen implanted port that will allow frequent preventative access to his subclavian vein for reasons that frankly are none of our business. According to the robust 79-year-old, whose powerful grip and arm strength has been known to crush the hands, and dislocate the shoulders, of handshake recipients, the Krampus snub is an insult to the arts. "And it's an insult to me, one of the greatest presidents and one of the biggest supporters of the arts and of his work with children. Even an ancient entity that exists within the nightmares of children, something I have strongly supported, is going to pay a price." Krampus, an international scourge known for gathering and consuming naughty children in the days leading up to Christmas, a word that I can finally say again, has pushed back against criticism from the White House. "When I saw the name change on the Kennedy Center website, and then hours later on the actual building, I backed out. It's not a political stunt, it's a stand for something that I feel very strongly about. Yes, I'm talking about the Epstein stuff. I'm a monster but I'm not a monster. Release the files!"

Editorial by Sumu-la-El Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something? Before it became so commercialized? Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants? You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos. I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the heavens, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to our barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear. But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the Babylonian Civil Liberties Union down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the Earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Strang, NE - When police detectives surveyed the scene of a tragic double homicide and child abduction case that rocked the small town of Strang, Nebraska last week, they knew that time wasn't on their side. Every minute that passed without locating missing 3-year-old Gertie McDonald decreased the likelihood that she would be found alive, if at all. The search for clues was exhaustive, and the dedicated men and women of the Strang Police Department (SPD) left no stone unturned, and no shelf unchecked. Is Clancy the Elf, shown here silently masturbating, an innocent bystander, or is he and all his kind nothing but sick perverts who like to watch? For several days, that search came up empty. But when investigators decided to review pictures of the crime scene one final time, they were shocked to discover that they had missed a very important detail. On the shelf overlooking where most of Tim and Ephraimina McDonald were discovered by Ephraimina's personal trainer Roddy Rambler at three o'clock that morning, was an Elf on the Shelf.  "We knew the rules going into the interrogation," SPD lead investigator Corporal Shake Billings explained. "They can't be touched and they can't speak or move until everyone in the house is asleep. Their job is to watch and listen. But we weren't going to just sit there with our thumbs up our asses with little Gertie still missing!" But Clancy, the McDonald's Elf on the Shelf, followed those rules without any sign of budging, forcing the increasingly desperate detectives to finally give up. According to Billings, even advanced interrogation techniques failed. "We tried everything we could think of. Cramped confinement, liquid gumdrop diet, even hot cocoa boarding. We got nothing. That little bastard just wouldn't talk." Adding to the tragic nature of the crime was that Mr. McDonald had been scheduled to work overnight and shouldn't have even been there when the attack occurred. Was it a simple case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time when a mysterious assailant entered the home or was there more to it. Thankfully Ramble, who served time for aggravated battery and arson in Lincoln a decade ago, happened upon the grisly scene when stopping by the McDonald home at some point that night, and then alerted the authorities right away, they are assuming. With Clancy refusing to cooperate, investigators still haven't given up on finding Gertie and solving her parents' murders. Elves on the Shelves, once adopted and given a name, receive the gift of Christmas magic and can fly to Santa's workshop each night to tell him about what happened that day. And Billings is counting on this. "If that Christmas snitch told Santa anything, we need to know. And I'll find that jolly son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do!"

McDonaldland, IL - In an unprecedented move that strains the limits of Executive Office power, President Trump has issued a full pardon to one of the nation's most notorious burger thieves, the Hamburglar, who has been incarcerated in an Illinois state penitentiary since 2015. A 2015 photo of the Hamburglar's arrest after a week-long manhunt in the Pratt's Wayne Woods forest preserve near Chicago "This was a witch hunt targeting a patriot over fake crimes," Trump explained during an address to the nation earlier this week. "And for what? Taking a few extra hamburgers from some girls that were maybe a bit on the younger side? This is just another example of the Democrats abusing the justice system, like they did to me with the Russia, Russa, Russia hoax. This is just burger, burger, burger, and maybe a 12-year-old from Naperville." Prior to his arrest and conviction for statutory burger theft, the life of the Hamburglar revolved around plotting hamburger heists at the expense of Ronald McDonald and the other citizens of Mcdonaldland, a township just outside of Chicago. According to McDonaldland mayor, Mayor McCheese, Hamburglar started out as a playful nuisance but eventually turned to more serious hamburger, and sometimes cheeseburger, related crimes. "We didn't think of him as evil at first. More a bumbling idiot that you can't help but root for because we all just want another burger from time to time. But then he met Epstein." "Robble," The Hamburglar revealed in testimony during his 2015 trial. "Robble robble. Robble...robble." Most experts do not believe that Trump's pardon will actually free the Hamburglar from prison. Lance Albertson, a legal scholar and former Fry Kid from McDonaldland, believes that this is more of a symbolic gesture. "The president's pardon power doesn't extend to state crimes and Hammy was convicted under state laws. Look, I understand what addiction is like. I mean, I was a God damn Fry Kid. But I don't have any sympathy for that guy, not after what he did with those girls."

Copenhagen, Denmark - Remember the Grogan Sisters? They were the ahead of their time team of five real life sisters who took the vaudeville circuit by storm from 1893 to 1897. Known by many as the The Devilish Danes , Leona, Helga, Sonia, Ingrid, and Gabby are all dead according a leading scholar of entertainment history. Historian Freewilly, shown here sporting a grizzly professor mustache that adds an air of rugged wisdom to match his boyish charm "That's right, all dead. Feel old yet?" Lamont Freewilly laughed, his upper lip hidden beneath a thick professor mustache that well suits the mature face of the 73-year-old vaudeville historian. "Gabby, who often played the role of the "sexy baby" during performances, was the last to go back in 1973. Emphysema." Vaudeville was an extremely popular theater genre in North America from the early 1870s into the 1930s that involved a wide variety of performances. According to Freewilly, large crowds would pay to see musicians, singers, dancers, comedians, and magicians, just to name a few. "Oh sure, you could see trained animals, clowns, feats of strength, you name it. And yes, the Grogan Sisters fit right in with their bawdy act. The mustache? Well it didn't get like this overnight, that's for sure!" "The Grogan Sisters' were the darlings of the vaudeville circuit until Ingrid contracted grimp in Toronto in 1896," Freewilly explained. "Her rapid deterioration forced the group to perform with only 4 members for a few months but the magic was gone. Crowds thinned and they retired the following year. Oh, I use a 50/50 blend of shea and cocoa butters, and sometimes a bit of fresh mango. I know, but it works." The Grogan Sisters were famous for an act that bolstered mediocre singing and dancing with dirty jokes and double entendres. Freewilly, who kept his mustache after years of being fully bearded, believes that the Grogan Sisters made up for a lack of true talent with a confidence and charm that won audiences over. "Why did I shave the beard? I think I just needed a change after my wife died. Sure, she liked the beard. But she loved the stache."