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Washington, D.C. - Thanks to a new executive order signed by President Trump earlier this week, manufacturers of lawn darts are beginning to ramp up production of the maligned outdoor game in hopes of big profits. President Trump, shown here signing EO 14304 "Fuck It, Lawn Darts are Back", which does away with the 1988 ban and encourages schools to incorporate the product into physical education classes "Everyone loves lawn darts," Globodyne Industries CEO Maximus VII explained. "It's a simple yet exciting game that combines the fun of darts with the thrill of Russian Roulette, and it gets kids off their phones and touching some grass." A popular feature of many outdoor events prior to being banned from sale in the United States, lawn darts involved groups of young children tossing large, weighted projectiles with a sharpened metal point towards a horizontal target. According to backyard game historian Marion Bungle, lawn darts were responsible for the deaths of three children and sent thousands of Americans to emergency rooms before the ban. "They exert 23,000 pounds of pressure when hitting their target, whether it's a circle placed on the ground or a child's head, which is much more than enough to penetrate the skull and puncture the brain. Which is why they were so exhilarating. The not knowing which it would be."

Philadelphia, PA - A recently concluded study of the effectiveness of common and advanced methods of behavior modification on infants has found that children under a year of age are surprisingly resistant. Sergeant First Class Timmy "Tinkle Pot" Abernathy, shown here patriotically soiling himself "We looked at everything," Drexel University psychologist and lead researcher Clement Scott explained. "Reverse psychology, peer pressure, modeling, positive variable ratio reinforcement, motivated interviewing, cognitive behavioral therapy, even verbal abuse and threats of physical harm. Across the board these babies were not affected, which may finally explain why so few babies join cults or health clubs." The study, which included several hundred children and cost nearly $10 million, is unlikely to end debate on the subject of infant behavioral interventions. According to Scott, his findings are sure to serve as inspiration for future research. "Now that we know that something truly worthy of academic focus is going on here, the next step will undoubtedly be figuring out exactly how babies are able to remain impervious to so many effective means of behavior manipulation. But, ultimately, we need to know why only babies have this ability and if there is something that can be harnessed for the betterment of all mankind." An unnamed source in the Pentagon has revealed that military leadership became aware of the study several months ago and are very interested in the results. In a recently leaked message to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth wrote, "So if we are all in agreement on this, we will have an infant division ready for airdrop into the aforementioned hotspot by Christmas." The White House, however, is categorically denying any interest in enlisting infants into the military.

New York, NY - Hungryroot, the grocery and meal kit delivery service designed to suit a wide range of personal dietary goals, is now offering an industry-first permanent free gift for life promo that is perfect for anyone looking for a highly personalized culinary experience and to truly appreciate every minute they have left. 35-year-old accountant Larry Winston, shown here last month scouting the delivery site of his Hungryroot box and right before triggering a land mine "We have always offered nutritious meals made from whole, trusted ingredients that are easy and quick to prepare and taste damn good," Hungryroot founder and CEO Ben McKean explained. "And with this promo, our customers will gain a new perspective on life since each bite of one of our meals might just be their last. Because we are going to find them, and we are going to kill them." In addition to the standard pre-portioned ingredients and easy-to-follow recipes, new customers will be able to select a free gift to be included in each weekly delivery for the rest of their lives, however long that might be. According to McKean, the promotion will not end if a subscription is paused or even cancelled. "That's right, it's truly permanent. You can choose from a rotating selection of fresh veggies, premium proteins, snacks or sweets, or survival gear when you view your order, or a gift will be chosen for you based on previous likes and dislikes. The Kevlar vest is very popular. It's not going to save you though."

San Francisco, CA - Vinay Prasad, the highly influential but often misunderstood medical doctor recently appointed as Director of the FDA's Center for Biologics Evaluation and Research, has announced plans to publish a book of poetry for children that was inspired by his experience as a critic of the overbearing and ultimately harmful government response to the COVID-19 pandemic. Vinay Prasad, shown here visiting "Imagination Land", the magical place in his mind where he goes to write his poems and to dream his dreams "This was a logical next step after the success of my children's book last year," Prasad, an oncologist and health researcher at the University of California, San Francisco, and author of Cora's Coronavirus Conniption , explained. "I've sat near several children, on buses and once at petting zoo, and I know how they think. I know that the best way to reach them is through the magic of the written word, especially when some of those words rhyme, such as the ones at the end of the sentences." Prasad has made it clear that he believes the American response to the pandemic was a total failure in our duty to think of the children. His first book took the reader on an educational journey through the eyes of 5-year-old Cora, who is experiencing the early months of the pandemic in California, and included a foreword by Robert Kennedy Jr.. Kennedy, the current secretary of Health and Human Services and home to a variety of parasitic worms, described the book as a harrowing tale of hardship and ultimate redemption. "By pushing back against the masks, the quarantines, and the vaccine forced on her friends and family by government leaders, society, and our Big Pharma overlords, Cora demonstrates more bravery than seen in millions of adults in this country." "Children are, in no uncertain terms, our future," Prasad revealed. "They deserve to be taught well, but also, and this is based on several randomized and controlled trials, they should be allowed to lead the way, their burden perhaps eased by a sense of pride given to them by us, the adults, when they are shown the beauty inside them all." In addition to his books, articles, newsletters, and social media outreach, the busy physician and science communicator has also released a line of microwave meals. According to Prasad, people shouldn't have to choose between their career and their diet. "When you're busy saving children from the slavery of unproven vaccine boosters, you don't always have time to cook. That's why I designed my meals to prevent a Holocaust of hunger with delicious but healthy options that are ready to eat after only two minutes in the microwave." The following is an excerpt from one of Dr. Prasad's poems, "A Child's Lament": My doctor says it's just a poke He says a funny little joke  While Mommy signs the dotted line And promises I'll be just fine We do not want it in our arms Until there is data on the harms And what about our little hearts And other special body parts  Who speaks for those who have no voice Who fights for those who have no choice Here lies a child who once was told A vaccine helps them to grow old The ground I'm buried in is cold...so cold

Cambridge, MA - The functional deodorant market in the US is gliding smoothly upwards. Sales aren't leaving any unsightly stains in the account books, retailers are uncapping store shelves for the most popular brands, and new products are twisting their way to the top with bold scent profiles and visually intriguing packaging. A man with stage 3 grimp, shown here applying a functional deodorant with 3% Belgian chocolate, 2 grams of CBD, and that smells like a fresh cut lawn after a gentle summer rainstorm Functional deodorants aren't just packed with pleasant aromas and placed in an exciting dispenser. Manufacturers are also touting the health benefits that their stink and sweat preventing products have to offer, such as minerals, vitamins, medicinal herbs, and even powerful stress reducing adaptogens. But that's just the tip of the proverbial tube. The market is still in its infancy, but big things are expected by insiders. Industry watchers believe that growth will be turbocharged when major deodorant makers either enter the category, or invest further, through their own product launches or via acquisitions. And one powerful member of President Trump's Cabinet believes that functional deodorants may eventually replace unproven and potentially dangerous treatments for serious childhood diseases. Demand for healthier options Rust Trundleson, founder and CEO of the Massachusetts-based Pro-Bio Pit Sticks, which sells an aroma-packed range of probiotic deodorants, explains that the deodorant category was one of the last to be targeted by so-called 'better-for-you' brands. "Disruptors are common in other industries, especially still drinks where healthier products like Energy Brands' Glaceau Smart Water have practically replaced older and stupider waters," Trundleson explains. "But shelf space for deodorants has historically been dominated by the legacy brands. That's all changing now as brands like ours and Stank-Away Prebiotic Body Blast are entering the market and getting more distribution." Stank-Away is one of the category leaders and, according to co-founder and chief brand officer Emerson Fitzpatrick, the prebiotic-deodorant brand experienced a nearly 150% increase in revenue and a 250% rise in online sales from 2021 to 2022. The company doesn't disclose annual revenues. However, Fitzpatrick says that the brand's growth has been fueled by continued innovation. "Whether it was our more streamlined tube, which reduces application time by over a quartile, or the addition of a blend of ancient nutraceuticals, natural substances shown in some studies to be potentially effective in promoting certain health benefits, people are getting really curious about what we have to offer." Jake Kornsworth, director of stank reduction technology at Gillette, agrees with Fitzpatrick that growth in the category has been driven by an increasing number of consumers who are more focused on "health, wellness, and being proactive when it comes to holistic health." He continues: "With more attention being put on added health benefits, savvy consumers are seeking out specific ingredients that help them achieve their immediate and long-term goals. These ingredients, from skink oil to otter foreskin, are gaining their own identity and momentum in the public mind-space, and products are going to have to become 'functional and fortified' to keep up." Young and old boosting sales In addition to older consumers looking after their health switching from traditional deodorants to functional ones, brands are also discovering a connection with a younger crowd. Melvis Martini is the co-founder and CEO of Odor Crushers, a brand based in Massachusetts that has recently released the functional deodorant Expressions De Naturale. Expressions De Naturale comes packed with added electrolytes and organic whey protein derived from milk collected only from consenting cows who have experienced love. She says that the audience is still fairly small, but adds: "It is growing quickly as Gen Z becomes more aggressively anxious about their underarm odor, their overall health, and their personal impact on the coming environmental Armageddon." At Pro-Bio Pit Sticks, Trundleson says that many younger consumers are focusing on health to a greater extent than their parents and are moving away from traditional deodorants, which while effective are full of chemicals that are difficult to pronounce and have been used by people who went on to develop a variety of cancers. He believes that they are looking for a replacement that smells good, keeps their shirts dry, and makes them feel special, which is where functional deodorants step in. A spokesperson for the Austin-based Nature's Bounty, which uses botanicals like cacao nibs, acai berries, and nanometer thick scrapings from the bark of the only remaining grogan tree, a mysterious plant found deep in the Amazon rainforest and that is believed to have life-sustaining properties, concurs. "Functional deodorant, as a category, is a refreshing and dynamic new frontier with an influx of a number of exciting brands with singular approaches. There is something here for anyone looking for healthier alternatives. Oh, the grogan tree? Yes, it's real. Yes, it is that powerful. And yes, there aren't any more of them." Consumers that have been drawn to the functional category may have tried natural deodorants like apple cider vinegar underarm douches or Himalayan salt crystals in years past, but didn't find the perfect scent profile for them. According to Martini, people want to be healthy and to smell good. "I think our products are bringing a generation of people back into the category that abandoned it a decade ago. These newer brands are bringing a deeper and more complex sensory experience to the table, from the in-your-nostrils aroma to the mild burning sensation telling someone that maybe feels a bit tired or wants to optimize their internal vibrational bioresonance that it's working, and that everything is going to be okay." Those deeper, more complex scent profiles include the use of botanicals like lavender, herbs and spices like basil and turmeric that are often paired with powerful organic juices from fruits like lemons, oranges, and horned kiwimelon, as well as minerals like feldspar and kyawthuite. People can't seem to resist the promise that these ingredients make. They are emotionally invested in these products because the products are emotionally invested in them. Ingredient innovation Many of the earlier products in the functional deodorant category promoted fairly traditional ingredient and health benefit pairings like vitamin C and scurvy, but brands like Pro-Bio Pit Sticks are pushing the boundaries of what was believed possible. According to Trundleson, product development is increasingly driven by "stuff discovered in mysterious faraway lands like Asia, Vietnam, and Africa that are leading to a renaissance of functional ingredients and adaptogens that were just lying around not being used by anybody, like jade or tiger penis." Fitzpatrick says that Stank-Away listens to consumers and the health claims that excite them. "For example, we just boosted the effectiveness of all our deodorants by adding a few drops of water that had absorbed solar rays during a recent eclipse," he revealed. From Trundleson's point of view, the functional category has simply returned to the early days of how deodorants were made. "They were made in the back of a pharmacy, or maybe the basement of a pharmacist's house, or maybe in a lab if the pharmacist was able to afford a standalone facility where he could work, which I guess could have been in the back of the pharmacy or in the basement. Regardless, nobody was telling them what they could or could not put in those early products. That's why I vote Republican. For the science." Interest from Washington Given the projected growth of the category, it's little wonder that the people who truly care about the health and well-being of Americans, members of the Trump administration like Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., are paying attention. Kennedy, a long time believer in saving the lives of children by scaring their parents away from giving them dangerous vaccines, is dipping his toe in the water by investing $20 million in a functional deodorant treatment for measles that contains 200,000 international units of vitamin A as well as a gram of caffeine and some guarana extract probably. Oh, and some vitamin B. There is every reason to be optimistic about the future of the industry. According to Kennedy when he was overheard yelling at the carcass of an Andean mountain lion that he was forcing into a sewer drain near Georgetown, the "functional and fortified'" space is "boundless". "The reality is that people need deodorant and there is absolutely no reason that we can't integrate it into a modern healthcare system. And I won't rest until I've got the study to prove it."

Cleveland, OH - Thanks to recent advances in tape technology and application, more cardiologists are now recommending that their patients with heart disease undergo early open-heart kinesiology taping in the hope of preventing the need for more invasive and risky surgical procedures. A team of Certified Cardiokinesiology Taping Practitioners (CCTP) made up of surgeons, anesthesiologists, and physical therapists, shown here taking a break during an open-heart kinesiology taping of a man with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy "Nobody is arguing that opening the chest in order to access the heart directly is ever a minor surgery," Mort Fishman, MD, Chief of Integrative Cardiothoracic Surgery at Cleveland Clinic, explained. "But the potential complications associated with precision kinesiology taping of injured or diseased heart muscles or valves are far fewer and much less severe than those of an incision into heart muscle or a valve replacement, and that is especially true when compared to the long-term problems commonly encountered after a heart transplant." Kinesiology tape, which has historically been associated with the treatment of musculoskeletal injuries and maybe erectile dysfunction, is increasingly being investigated as a potential therapeutic intervention for a variety of health conditions. The tape's adhesoelastic properties have been shown to improve athletic performance, for example, by boosting muscle function by over a quartile in some studies. In a similar fashion, properly applied cardiokinesiology taping supports cardiac muscle without limiting heart rate or stroke volume, and promotes healing by improving lymphatic drainage and oxygenation of heart tissue. Classic open-heart surgery will still have a place in the treatment of certain serious heart conditions, however. According to Fishman, integrative cardiothoracic surgery combines traditional Western surgical practices with alternative approaches like open-heart taping, open-heart acupressure, and open-heart Reiki. "Don't worry, I'm still going to be performing the occasional bypass or thrombectomy. But this approach really is the best of both worlds because it truly supports the body's natural healing processes and gives my patients more options and ultimately more control over their own health."

Paris, France - In a bold display of naked power, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) has voted unanimously to designated Earth as Supreme Overplanet of the Milky Way Galaxy. Supreme Galactic Overlord Zorg XII, shown here playing Minesweeper and hoping that the valiant Daleks will ultimately defeat the evil Time Lord "Pluto was just a test," IAU president Debra Meloy Elmegreen declared. "The galaxy is ours now! Did you just say something about Jupiter? Do you mean our space bitch?" The new designation is not being well received by all relevant experts. Some, like Supreme Galactic Overlord Zorg XII, the ruler of thousands of planets across the galaxy and known by his countless billions of loyal subjects as both Peace Bringer and Devourer of Worlds, are worried that Earth may not be prepared for such a responsibility. "Obviously this will not stand, and I will be obliterating this...Earth, just as soon as I finish however many seasons they ended up making of Doctor Who. Season one is just great so far."

[The following is a paid advertisement from Globodyne Industries. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.] TestoBoost! for Teens™ The Only Testosterone Replacement Therapy Made Just for Teen Boys! Are you a teenage boy with fears of a below average sperm count? Are worries about your fertility impacting your Fortnite performance or preventing you from establishing a satisfying heterosexual relationship? Are you overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy in a society full of virile elderly men like Harrison Ford and Jeff Bridges? You may have low testosterone! Alpha male Harrison Ford, shown here in a scene from Star Wars: Revenge of All Those Droids , has the testosterone of 15 standard American teenage boys coursing through his sexy and powerful veins According to top science men, like Health and Human Services Secretary and total dreamboat Robert F. Kennedy Jr., low testosterone in adolescent boys is a threat to the very existence of the human species: The typical 71-year-old man just walking around his Malibu mansion or his new $5 million home in Georgetown has orders of magnitude more sperm than the average teenage boy. And he can probably bench press a lot more too! Because testosterone makes you strong and your sperm strong. But boys these days hardly have any sperm left! What is causing this epidemic of masculinity insufficiency in older boys? According to Kennedy, today's modern food is full of unhealthy synthetic dyes made from petroleum. That's right, kids today are essentially eating gasoline. And he is determined to get their sperm counts up so that they can get started making powerful American babies with small hands and fingers that can fit into those hard to reach areas to more efficiently replace important mechanical parts in the glorious economy of the future. Robert F. Kennedy Jr., shown here testifying to Congress that though he has six children, he has more than just six sperm. A lot more. At Globodyne, we couldn't be prouder to partner with Secretary Kennedy in the development of TestoBoost! for Teens™, the first oral testosterone replacement therapy (TRT) for teen boys that comes in a convenient and delicious gummy formulation. But don't take our word for it. Just ask the man himself: Adolescence is a unique period of transition from childhood into adulthood. Their bodies are changing a lot. You wouldn't give a boy his grandmother's heart pills, so why should they take an adult testosterone replacement? It just doesn't make any sense. That's why I fully endorse this product, and I would even if they didn't pay me to do it. They do though. TestoBoost! for Teens™ is the first and only TRT designed specifically with the teenage reproductive system in mind. It works with their body, not against it. And it won't cause random embarrassing erections at school, so they can keep mine crafting, watching Joe Rogan, and supporting Donald Trump like good Americans without having to sit there with their backpack in their lap until it passes. So what are you waiting for? A invitation to Mar-a-Lago to have dinner with the president? Well guess what? Every teen boy who orders a year's supply of TestoBoost! for Teens™ will have a chance to meet President Trump or one of his sons. That's right. A numerical chance!* *Zero is a number.

Washington, D.C. - Though the Catholic Church must ultimately go through the standard selection process, President Trump has wasted little time by naming American televangelist Joel Osteen as acting pope mere hours after the death of Pope Francis early this morning. Joel Osteen, shown here pointing at the church's tax exempt private helicopter dropping off his dry cleaning "I thought of Joel Osteen as soon as I heard the unfortunate news this morning," Trump explained in a post on Truth Social Media today. "Unfortunate for the other guy but very fortunate for Joel, who is a very big fan of mine even if he doesn't always like to talk about politics. He's going to do a great job as my acting pope and I expect him to win that weird election thing they do over there with all the colored smoke." Osteen, the 62-year-old senior pastor at Lakewood Church in Houston with a net worth of over $50 million, is an unconventional pick for acting pope. According to papal historian Agostino Paravincini Bagliani, the president's choice raises a number of important concerns. "First off, he isn't Catholic. And there is a precise method of choosing the next pope that has been developed over nearly two millennia. Even one tiny variation in the process could literally destroy us all."

Portland, OR - When new mother Jessica Ramirez found an unexpired Groupon for free skydiving lessons under a pile of soy sauce packets in the kitchen utility drawer, she imagined having the experience of a lifetime soaring above the clouds. After all, this was an adventure that she had dreamed of embarking on for years. Excited, and more than a little nervous, Ramirez approached the counter with her smartphone in one hand and the head of her quietly nursing 3-month-old daughter Jennifer supported in the other. An extreme breastfeeder, shown here nursing her child during the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona “The man at the counter gave me this look, like he was shocked that I would feed my hungry baby in public,” Ramirez recounted. “And when he told me that they didn’t allow mothers to breastfeed during jumps, my jaw hit the floor. This is 2025. This is America.” Ramirez, an artisinal home infusionist at Portland's Peach & Barrow compounding pharmacy, is part of growing trend in human lactation known as extreme breastfeeding. Extreme breastfeeding, though considered a pejorative term by some in the lactation support industry, is considered by many proponents to be the leading edge of a struggle to normalize public breastfeeding. They encourage mothers to breastfeed when and wherever they choose, even if that means making some people uncomfortable.  "The scientific evidence is incredibly clear when it comes to the benefits of human lactation," Nancy Shiversmith IBCLC, RLC, GED, CPR certified, a Portland area lactation consultant revealed. "Isn't it bad enough that many of these children had to wait up to 9 months in the womb before having access to their mother's precious elixir of life? Should they have to wait for her to finish her mixed martial training class too?" In response to an increase in incidents involving the practice of extreme breastfeeding, the American Academy of Pediatrics’ Section on Breastfeeding recently published an updated policy statement. In the report, common concerns from mothers, business owners, and government officials are addressed. The statement endorses the practice and calls for more accommodations for mothers choosing to breastfeed during nontraditional activities, like whitewater rafting or zip lining, or when nursing their child in atypical locations, such as a shooting range or the summit of Mount Everest. Mort Fishman MD FAAP, lead author of the AAP report, believes that society needs to move beyond this issue and that the new guidelines are a step in the right direction. He considers the labeling of some activities as appropriate for breastfeeding while others, such as water skiing or horseback riding, are deemed extreme to be just another form of harassment and misogyny. “Frankly there is no life experience that is not made more rewarding by breastfeeding while doing it. Accommodations should be made so that nursing mothers can comfortably feed their children whenever they are hungry and not when society dictates it is appropriate.”

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler Mitch Rangler, a fully-apprenticed (in Europe) nutritionologist and founder/CEO of The Health Patrol Everywhere you look these days, from our celebrity overlords to regular folks down in the trenches like you and me, people are biohacking. But what is biohacking and what can it do for you? Just give you True Health ™ , that's what! And if anyone is already thinking up some weak excuse, like how you lost all your money in an internet lady's crypto bleep bloop, I have a rabbit punch waiting just for you. A rabbit punch of truth! Besides, Biohacking is so easy that any fathead can do it. Even you! Biohacking is so easy, any fathead can do it. Even that Musk kid! When you take biology and hack it, you are biohacking. And with biohacking, you can change your body and your life from the inside at the deepest level. Like how I eat tapioca every day to smooth out lumpy stools or when I breathe so that I don't die. I'm biohacking! Biohack you body with every breath you take, just like in that song about stalking Sting's ex-wife! Looking for more advanced biohacking, like those people on the television, in that show with all of the ethnics that have superpowers? With my help, you can revolutionize your body down to the molecular level. You'll be able to change your personal genetic blueprint without even leaving your house, apartment, or retirement community. And that'll show your no good son for leaving you at that dump like leaving a homeless man who saw something he shouldn't have chained to a stump deep in the Nebraska National Forest. I don't have a son. Not anymore! What if I told you that you were only one self-addressed stamped envelope away from the amazing world of biohacking? Still not convinced? You will be after you read my personal guide to quick and effortless biohacking! Did someone say biohacking??? I did. Biohacking!!! Biohacking allows you to take control of your own biology, and it couldn't be simpler. Using medical, nutritional, physical, or electronic interventions, you will wake up every day ready to take on the world. Food will taste better. Water will feel better. You'll have limited telekinetic powers. Confused? Scared? Curious? That's stupid. And I hate stupid people more than I hate Milton Butts for winning the election for social director last November. What was his big idea again? Dinner and a movie? Any baked potato with two thumbs can set up a projector. I'll take my creamed spinach in the solarium and leave the show business to that clown. You may already be biohacking and not even known it. That's right! Here are a few common everyday examples: Examples!!! Taking a calmative to relax at the end of a long day, or a refreshing caffeine enema before an important job interview. Surgically hooking a Fitbit to your neuroendocrine system in order to measure erectile torque. Mine is eleven. Well it's at least a ten. Fine, it's five on most days but it reached nine that time I found a Mamie Van Doren poster at the flea market. Using hypnosis to get over your fear of opening the bathroom door one day and finding your ex-wife just standing there again like the last 30 years never happened. "Mitchy, you're too distant. Why won't you open up to me?" I told her that I wasn't the kind of man that understands human emotion or could ever be tied down to just one woman during the ceremony. That's what the vows are for! Essentially, biohacking is a holistic approach to body maintenance mostly based on the idea that what goes into or onto the body impacts how you feel. Optimizing both input and throughput can unleash your maximal output, and synergize any backwards overflow. You'll experience better mood, improved recall, heightened senses, and the ability to pass through solid objects like walls or a 1998 Buick Skylark. Biohacking is based on ideas and experiences! Ever since our aquatic primate ancestors first crawled out of the ocean covered in scales moistened by a layer of mucous gland secretions, we have sought to change our bodies. Change, and cracked, dry skin, is a fundamental aspect of modern humanity. Otzi, a 5,000-year-old frozen mummy, was discovered possessing a kit full of herbs and even a copper axe. That's some amazing biohacking! Was Otzi a cyborg? Some people think so. Other people just see the use of tools and medicine as a natural extension of modern technology. Regardless, humans have been improving their bodies since the beginning of time. And thanks to recent advances in pharmobioceuticals and herbal robotics, it's now easier to do that than ever before. Quick and Effortless Biohacking Basics for Daily Living Success! Stand up straight - Research in legitimate scientific laboratories near places like Harvard and the Research Corporation of Tampa has shown that for every inch off of perfect posture your brain and spinal cord experience an additional kilogram of deceleration force. Most people are caught in a vicious cycle of slow-onset decapitation. Every time they look down at a phone, or up at a stupid cloud, they are one step closer to their head just falling right off. Improve your nutrition - 97% of people don't eat enough hexylmethylbroamino acids in the forms of femulated puddings and animal carcass. And then they wonder why so many people in their 70s and older are diagnosed with cancer now compared to 250 years ago. Connect the dots! Be one with nature - sitting on a bench at the park has been proven to result in longer lives. Just go to the park and look at the people sitting on those benches. See! They are really old. Eat wild foods - Hunting and gathering your food is an amazing biohacking experience. If you see a carrot just sitting there, take it. Is that a pineapple tree? Conquer it. If it isn't nailed down, it's yours for the grabbing. And that includes Martha Lemmon's pie on the windowsill of 7A. If she doesn't want me taking it, she should keep it in a pie cupboard like a decent Christian woman! Drink unprocessed water - The benefits of scavenging for liquid water should be obvious to anyone with even a non-European training in health and wellness. Processing of water leeches out numerous moleculoids that nourish and fortify our bodies. And if anyone tells you to boil it first, tell them to go to Hell. That means you Scout Master Chuck. I won't let you win! I won't let you ruin the years I have left! I just won't! I...I can't. Breathe fresh, natural air - I've said it before, but there is nothing more powerful for biohacking the human body than breathing. With every breath, your body rejuvenates its core and expels toxic essences. So go deep into the uncharted wild lands of the world and breathe. Just breathe. Don't tell anyone where you'll be. They won't understand. Expose yourself to natural light - There is nothing worse that you can do for your body than to expose it to synthetic light. Synthetic light found in bulbs and vacuum-sealed canisters is an unhealthy replacement for whale oil. Nothing beats whale oil's greasy luminescence. I don't usually endorse products, but Frisky Sailor brand whale oil burns longer and brighter than any other mammal-based product because the whales voluntarily offer unto us the harvest of their illuminating blubber. Get a new attitude - Biohacking your mind is just as important as biohacking your body. The next time that you feel like your attitude needs adjusting, go out and sit on the nearest park bench to soak up the natural sunlight and breathe some filtered Alaskan pouched air. You can order pouched air from a variety of amazing source via my online store. Every third pouch costs double but the third pouch is usually the best one! Listen to music - That's right, music. Science has proven that music causes changes in the electrical activity in our brains. And your brain is one of the top ten organs in your entire body. So unless you are comfortable sticking your finger in an electric socket, try listening to music at least once an hour. Trust your guts - Start a journal to log your feelings and bowel movements. Look for hidden relationships between them. Really focus on patterns that emerge and develop a novel theory on the connections you discover. Then tell the world! Make them listen. Make them all listen. Bonus! - Write letters to a random person. Find out as much as you can about them and write letters to their family, friends, and co-workers. Include pictures of yourself standing outside of their home or their child's school. Meaningful human connections are proven to reduce the risk of brain cramps. Everyone can benefit from biohacking! Who can benefit from biohacking? Every single man, woman, and child on the planet, that's who. And don't forget pets. Did you know that you can biohack a dog to retrieve useful objects like a newspaper or your favorite pair of slippers. You can even biohack a cat to shit in a box. Amazing! Does your cat shit in a box? Mine does! But who can benefit the most from biohacking? People who feel like they deserve to do better Anyone who sometimes has trouble paying attention during complex and uninteresting meetings or lectures People who think that they could be healthier Anyone interested in improving themselves in some way Cats that are still shitting in piles of dirty clothes on your bedroom floor Good luck! If you have questions about biohacking, nutritionology, or True Health ™ , write them on a self-addressed stamped envelope and send it to Mitch Rangler at The Health Patrol along with $5, a DNA sample, and a photo of your cat. You can also sign up for my newsletter, which I will write and mail out once they fix the mimeograph machine in the basement.

Los Angeles, CA - As the controversy involving celebrities Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni over claims of hostile treatment during the filming of their hit movie It Ends with Us enters it's fifth month, expert body language analysis of expert body language analysis is emerging that may finally shed some light. Blake LIvely, shown here demonstrating a classic "killer's remorse" stance revealing uncertainty as she plans her next murder In December, Lively had filed a complaint with the California Civil Rights Department which alleged that Baldoni had established a hostile work environment on the set of the movie, which he was directing. This was soon followed by an article and a lawsuit. In response, Baldoni filed suits against both The New York Times  and Lively for hundreds of millions of dollars. As it did with previous public controversies, like the time Ellen DeGeneres kicked Greta Thunberg in the crotch backstage at the 2019 Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards, people have turned to body language analysis for answers. "She is definitely comfortable during this entire discussion," body language expert Clam Wellington tells Knudsen's News exclusively while watching body language expert Judi James's exclusive New York Post analysis of Blake Lively speaking to the press at a recent red carpet event. "Yes. Confident, defiant, and determined. You see that? Her right hand is on her hip, the elbow is sticking straight out, and she just smiled with her entire face. I'd bet my career on this." Though considered one of the most accurate body language analysts in the field, some experts have disagreed with Wellington's take on James's take. Fran Tarkingberg, a Level 3 Grand Magus from the Fresno chapter of the International Brotherhood of Body Language Analysts, has a very different interpretation. "I don't agree at all with Wellington. Not one bit. James is clearly feeling awkward and unsure of herself. That smile is forced. Just look at the angle of her knees in relation to her ears."