Washington, D.C. - After weeks of intrigue, and White House officials ignoring reporters' questions about obvious use of low-quality make-up and prosthetic devices, details on the nature and severity of President Trump's mysterious hand injuries have been leaked, revealing the loss of both of the world leader's index fingers in a tragic finger trap incident. President Trump, shown here using one of his now amputated index fingers to point at the sky during a solar eclipse in 2017. "I'm not sure that I've ever seen anything quite like this," Mort Fishman, an orthopedic surgeon specializing in novelty and gag toy-related injuries, explained after reviewing the leaked documents. "Don't get me wrong, I've seen some stuff. I got the call when the Queen fractured her coccyx because of an overinflated whoopee cushion. But this is different. His fingers...they're just gone." According to the files anonymously mailed to news organizations around the country, the president spent several days early last year with both index fingers stuck in a bamboo finger trap, sometimes called a Chinese finger puzzle though it is not truly of Chinese origin. Despite the efforts of Chaz McBang, Trump's handpicked Commanding General of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, the president's fingers were ultimately amputated. McBang, who previously hosted McBang and Rotating Blond Woman , a late-night science and celebrity gossip show on Fox News, also serves as Trump's magnet czar . In response to the leak, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt was in full denial mode, calling the information a hoax during a press conference held late yesterday. President Trump did not stick his fingers in a Chinese finger trap. He was not confused by how the trap works and he was not scared. At no point did he cry because he thought he would be stuck like that forever. And he absolutely did not yank so hard trying to escape the finger trap that the paper-thin skin was torn off of both index fingers resulting in the need for an amputation. Finger traps, or at least some variation of the modern gag toy, date to at least 1870 when a single-sided version was used by German prostitutes on unsuspecting clients with a history of refusing to pay for services rendered. Those devices, recorded as Schwanzenfanger or the German translation "Cock Catchers", were outlawed after a syphilis epidemic in 1893. Modern finger traps employ a similar mechanism of action involving cylindrical, helically wound braids that tighten when lengthened by pulling. Releasing the trap requires simply relaxing the tension, but a target of the gag can free themselves with enough pulling force as the traps are generally made from fairly weak bamboo fibers. The president's injuries appear to have been a result of a mix of panic and extremely fragile skin and soft tissue. Dr. Fishman, who is familiar with a variety of injuries caused through the well-intentioned use of items like the finger trap. "Have fun, but you have to be careful and you have to pay attention to the environment. I once treated a man who had opened one of those snake nut cans while walking down a sidewalk with the perpetrator, and then he fell into an open manhole while distracted."

After directing movies for six decades, I've learned a lot about how movies are made. It is rewarding, but never easy. Nothing in this business, and I mean nothing, is more challenging than figuring out where to set up the cameras before all that amazing stuff happens. Director Steven Spielberg, shown here holding up his 2026 Golden Globes trophies for writing and directing The Fabelmans 2: Sammy vs. The Time Gobblers Legendary filmmaker Steven Spielberg, overheard in December at the Sky Zone Trampoline Park in Cerritos speaking to Timothée Chalamet at his 30th birthday party.

Being a mother can be hard, and these women deserve our respect and our support. I once hiked all .6 miles of the Bear Lake Loop in Rocky Mountain National Park without stopping, so I know what it's like. That's why I'm qualified to tell them how important it is that they are attached to their baby at all times in order to prevent future mental health issues. Mort Fishman, neonatal psychologist and women ally, shown here expressing empathy and concern as he tells a new mother to hang in there Mort Fishman, a neonatal psychologist at Willie Nelson's Down Home Birthing Pavilion near Vanderbilt Children's Hospital, during a lecture to medical students on the importance of maternal-infant bonding and the reasons why it should be mandatory and regulated by a strict set of federal laws

Nashville, TN - Experts agree that the bond between a newborn baby and their former host is one of the most important psychosocial milestones in childhood, and an increasing number of hospitals are using an objective assessment tool to provide real-time feedback so that healthcare teams, in consultation with the mother, can make informed parenting choices. A mother, shown here more than 3 inches away from her newborn, having likely already doomed the baby to a lifetime of despair because of poor bonding in the pivotal first 18 to 26 years of life "Bonding is the intense attachment that develops between a mother and her baby," Mort Fishman, Chief of Neonatal Psychology at Willie Nelson's Down Home Birthing Pavilion near Vanderbilt Children's Hospital, explained. "It's what inspires a mother to love their baby and to care for them despite all the exhaustion, the drain on financial resources, and the loss of personal freedom. And let's not forget what it does to their bodies, which is just a shame...a real shame." Scientists don't know everything about mother-baby bonding. But that doesn't mean we haven't learned a lot since it was first discovered by top men in the 1960s. It is clear, for example, that a strong early attachment helps to establish a relationship pattern that will last throughout the lifespan of a child. Studies of newborn monkeys who were given mannequin mothers at birth proved that human infants should be held face down against their mother's bare chest frequently until at least their senior year of high school in order to ensure that they never experience any emotional dysregulation during the transition from the neonatal period into a 4-year undergraduate program. Fishman revealed that bonding is key in the development of a sense of security and positive self-esteem. A mother's responsiveness to behavioral cues has a huge impact on their baby's social and cognitive development, and a non-bonded newborn is more likely to suffer from despondency and despair. Sad babies just break our hearts here at Willie's Down Home Birthing Pavilion. I just spoke to a nurse over at Reba McEntire's Center for Women's Health and Hot Chicken Hut, and she said that they feel the same way over there. One of the most challenging aspects of assisting the bonding process has been a lack of insight into the perspective of the baby, and a means of determining the exact percentage of bonding on a real-time basis. The development of an assessment tool that uses objective data from a bedside evaluation of a newborn was something that neonatal psychologists like Fishman have waited decades for. This is a game changer in my opinion. This scoring system is something that we now use at our pavilion to give women feedback on how good of a mother they are being, but it's also something that fathers can easily learn to use at home as well. Most women do great, but some just need a constant nudge in the right direction to get above the recommended benchmark of 80% bonded. Bonding is a complex and personal experience that often benefits from the outside opinions of friends, family, and random people in Facebook comment sections. Fishman adds that there is no magic formula when it comes to ensuring a successful bond between a mother and her baby, but it is worth focusing on. "It definitely isn't something that we just came up with a few decades ago in order to blame women for stuff like juvenile delinquency or autism. It's a science. And it's important." Fishman recommends the following to new mothers as a start in achieving adequate bonding with their baby: Prepare in advance. Find a bonding-friendly birth plan. There are many examples that can be found online that are all probably fine. Just bring one in and stick to it no matter what. Stay in contact. Maintain eye and skin contact with your baby at all times. Maternal sleep is secondary to making sure that your baby loves you and will be able to make friends when he or she goes to school. Better yet, consider homeschooling until college and even a homeschool-based undergraduate degree just to be safe. Breastfeed often and the right way. Breastfeeding is one of the most important things you can do for you and your baby, and nothing should get in the way. If you are struggling, seek advice from someone whose entire worldview revolves around breastfeeding at all costs, like an online religious breastfeeding support group or that lady who yells at people in front of the Whole Foods. Ask for help. If it's online, it has to be true. There are many rules and regulations that keep information found on the internet safe and accurate. so feel free to just go nuts with it. Trust your instincts. Your gut is going to steer you in the right direction, especially if a little fear and anxiety are there to help keep you focused on what truly matters, which is avoiding being blamed for any problems your child ends up having.

Opinion Frank Grimes, DC Frank Grimes, shown here confidently telling a mother that her baby's spleen is sad, has watched Jurassic Park eleven times As a highly trained expert in spinal health, including advanced certificates in pediatric chiropractic, newborn wellness, and backpack weight distribution management, I work with a lot of families with young children. One of the most important topics I discuss with parents is the role of primitive reflexes in growth and development. What? You've never heard of primitive reflexes? They only play a huge role in your baby's nervous system, and that means movement, learning, and...well...everything! It means all of the things! Primitive Reflexes are natural movements that are present before your baby is even born, hopefully at home and naturally, because maternal pain is extremely important for bonding and attachment. Mothers who ask for pain relief during labor are also less likely to receive regular chiropractic care! These reflexes should gradually disappear as your child's nervous system grows more robust, which allows for more intentional and ultimately precise control over their body. But what if they don't? Could this cause future problems, perhaps with coordination, learning, behavior, and success in life? Yes! Who wants a clumsy kid who can't get a job??? Primitive reflexes help babies survive, move, and develop their nervous system. Most babies these days no longer live in fear of being gobbled up by a dinosaur, like in Jurassic Park , but our primitive baby ancestors needed an edge against large predators. They needed proper control, balance, and cognitive function to crawl away from a rampaging T. rex or roll from back to front in order to fend off a diving Pterodactylus . It sure was tough being a cavebaby! The only thing protecting ancient cavebabies from a hungry dinosaur, like this adorable compy, might just have been their ability to fight back with primitive reflexes, and maybe some kind of wooden club! Remember Captain Caveman? Unga bunga! If these primitive but powerful reflexes stick around for too long, like an alpha raptor checking the electric perimeter fence of their containment paddock for weaknesses during feeding time, they actually begin to make it harder for a child to develop. That's why parents need to learn about them! And this is where chiropractors like me, who have attended at least 3 weekend seminars at some of the finest airport Howard Johnson hotels across this great country (and one that was in Europe. Well, it was Montreal. But that's practically Europe!), can play a big role in educating families and helping kids to grow and thrive by integrating their reflexes the right way! They speak French in Montreal. Ooh la la! There are many primitive reflexes, but often the first one that new parents notice is the Moro reflex. First recognized by Ernst Moro in 1918 when he accidentally dropped a newborn down an open manhole near his clinic in Heidelberg, this key reflex is always present at birth in healthy babies and should go away after a few months. Historically, this reflex played an important role in both fight and flight, helping babies to defend themselves from predators or, if facing a particularly large dinosaur or overwhelmed by the sheer number of a group of small but aggressive dinosaurs, maybe some Microraptors or a swarm of Compsognathus , to cling to the back of a friendly dinosaur, lets say a Gallimimus , as it carried them back to the safety of the caves. Not all dinosaurs were bad! When the Moro reflex sticks around past its expiration date, there are a variety of possible adverse outcomes. Imagine trying to make your way in the world while constantly being triggered to defend yourself or to flee? These kids are always on edge, often acting impulsively as if their lives were constantly in danger because their brains are reacting to minor stimuli like our cavebaby ancestors reacted to a swiftly approaching Spinosaurus . They can't focus. They struggle with social interactions. They are anxious. They are terrible at baseball. Their adrenal glands are exhausted. They end up with unfulfilling careers and unsatisfying relationships. And they get asthma for some reason. I can't know everything! As a chiropractor who specializes in infant spinal care, I always focus on improving the communication between the brain and the body. My ultimate goal is a 100% optimized connection with absolutely no interference, like the computer system at Jurassic Park before Dennis Nedry sabotaged it with the White Rabbit backdoor program. I apply gentle adjustments in most cases, using only the amount of pressure you might use when checking the ripeness of a tomato. Sometimes a spinal segment is really stuck, however, and I need to increase the amount of pressure a bit, along the lines of checking to see if a dinosaur egg is ready to hatch. I'm just kidding. I know those dinosaurs weren't real. It was just a movie. I know that. That's exactly what they want us to think! Adjustments of the spine help remove stress placed on a child's nervous system and allow for proper development. If a reflex overstays its welcome, I can help with highly specific interventions like full spine x-rays, spinal manipulation (usually just the neck), recommending the avoidance of childhood vaccines, and a healthy diet. I can give parents instruction on specialized care that can be done at home, such as movement-based exercises and calling to schedule weekly treatment sessions at my clinic for the next few years in advance, even if their child is doing well. You don't stop going to the dentist just because you didn't have a cavity! Chiropractors are the dentists of the spine! If you are at all worried about your child's development, a thorough chiropractic assessment can help determine if their nervous system is optimized. Early intervention is important because whenever my treatments don't work it's because the parents waited too long to bring their child into the clinic. I guess some parents just don't care enough to make sure their child thrives physically, emotionally, and academically. But not you. You want your child to reach their full potential and to ensure that they become confident, capable, well-balanced adults with good jobs and a successful marriage. Dr. Grimes is currently offering a Reflex Renovation package for children. This includes a complete spine analysis, with neurocalometric measurements and a full primitive reflex evaluation, and that thing where the chiropractor lightly thumps on your kid's back with a little handheld device, for only $99. Call today!

Children that fail to integrate primitive reflexes have an unbalanced nervous system and go on to experience learning problems, poor development, sensory sensitivity, emotional dysregulation, bedwetting into adulthood, challenges with finding anyone to love them, and a string of one dead-end job after another until, ultimately, they die penniless, afraid, and alone. Frank Grimes, DC, DACCP, DICCP, FICCP, MSCP, Level 7 Spine Wizard Frank Grimes, a doctor of chiropractic who specializes in the management of retained primitive spinal reflexes in children, in his keynote speech during the 43rd annual American Council of Clinical Chiropractic Pediatrics Enclave of the Grand Elders held last weekend at the airport Howard Johnson in Newark.

Copenhagen, Denmark - Danish particle physicists from the Niels Bohr Institute have published a paper predicting the existence of a new elementary particle believed to be responsible for fundamental and powerful aspects of human existence. A small child, shown here demonstrating the strong interaction while enveloped in a naturally occurring Uhygges field by creating mass in her CoComelon pull-ups "This is a particle that is central to the experience of coziness and comfortable conviviality," study author Asger  Bøggild explained. "And in addition to being at the core of our feelings of wellness and contentment, it is just wonderful...like the cosmos welcoming us all home with a warm and inviting hug." Predicting the existence of a theoretical particle is only the first step. Bøggild and his team will now work on proving it with the help of the Large Hadron Collider, the world's biggest and most powerful particle accelerator. "We will take two test subjects that are enjoying a quiet and cozy Friday evening, perhaps watching a favorite movie while snuggling on the sofa in front of a warm fire with a large bowl of mixed candies and glasses of gløgg, and collide them at over 99% of the speed of light. If the Hygges Boson exists, we will detect it." Not all experts are expressing support for the planned experiments. Some, like skeptical physicist Skræmt Gnaven, are warning that such high energy collisions could result in the formation of something spooky and unsettling that hides just beneath the thin patina of comfort and warmth. "The creation of an artificial and extremely powerful Uhygges field is possible when you mess around with fundamental forces of human nature like this." Gnaven, who studies naturally occurring Uhygges fields by dressing up as a clown and chasing young children through the forests near his home town of Aarhus, worries that an artificially created Uhygges filed could expand exponentially. Gaining power as it grows in size, the field could eventually envelop the entirety of the Earth in an ominous feeling of existential discomfort. "Imagine having all of the relaxation, all of the enjoyment of life's quieter pleasures, just sucked out of you and everyone you love. It would be most unpleasant."

Washington, D.C. - After an overnight announcement by President Trump, Washington insiders are now saying that plans are in motion to erect a statue in honor of elite forensic psychiatrist and Baltimore socialite Hannibal Lecter on White House grounds. Pennywise the Dancing Clown, shown here being told that he will not be receiving a Presidential Medal of Freedom this year "It is probably going to be placed on the south side of the grounds," an anonymous source who asked for it to be specifically written that he wasn't JD Vance , explained. "But the president is flexible about the exact location. He might even put it right in front of the White House. And I mean right in front." Lecter, a child of Lithuanian and Italian nobility is as well known for his intelligence, refined taste, and impeccable manners as he is for occasionally eating his murder victims. According to cultural historian Boggs Hominy, Lecter has complex motivations. "He doesn't just walk around killing random people and eating their livers, although that is something he has enjoyed from time to time with a nice bottle of wine. His victims are not nice people. Perhaps his greatest weakness is that he cares too much, and that he just wants us to be kind to one another." The White House did not make any official statements regarding the exact location of the proposed Hannibal Lecter memorial, but did praise the former member of the Baltimore Philharmonic Orchestra's board of directors. "To members of this administration, Hannibal Lecter has been a hero that deserves recognition," press secretary Karoline Leavitt revealed during a press conference held earlier today. "President Trump credits Lecter with helping him win the election so that he could save this country, which was a laughing stock under Joe Biden but is now highly respected around the world." Democratic leaders have raised concerns that honoring a prolific serial killer might send the wrong message, claiming that even very rude people shouldn't be executed and eaten regardless of how delicious the meal ends up tasting. James Lankford, the senior U.S. senator from Oklahoma and a big fan of Lecter's charcoal drawings of Florence, pushed back: This is a man who whose parents were blown up by Nazis, the German ones, when he was only eleven. He was academically gifted and earned a medical degree in France at a very young age before legally immigrating to America and becoming a successful psychiatrist. So he killed and ate a few people along the way. Who hasn't? The announcement of a physical memorial follows a proclamation signed by Trump in October to honor the psychiatrist's legacy. "Guided by steadfast prayer and unwavering fortitude and resolve, Lecter's journey has brought wisdom, philosophy, reason, and culture across the Atlantic into America - paving the way for the ultimate triumph of Western civilization: me and my victories in 2016, 2024, and don't forget 2020, which was rigged because I won by a lot, even in California," the proclamation reads. It also accuses "left-wing radicals" of tarnishing Lecter's character. "Under my leadership, those days are finally over - and our Nation will now abide by a simple truth: Hannibal Lecter was a true American hero, and every citizen is eternally indebted to his relentless determination and appetite for improving this country. Do you see what I did there? I said appetite because he eats people. We like to have fun. I've brought fun back, like I brought Christmas back. People are having fun and saying merry Christmas again," the president wrote. According to the anonymous source, the installation of Lecter's statue could happen "maybe even this month". He also said to make it very clear that he isn't JD Vance, and I think that I've done that. It would be the latest addition to the White House grounds, after the $400 million ballroom project and the solid gold above-ground swimming pool that was built on top of the former in-ground pool after it was filled in with concrete last year.

"Nobody ever wants to talk about the people that Mr. Lecter didn't murder. Or eat for that matter. Nobody ever wants to give him any credit for all the times he just had a big salad." Senator Lankford, shown here reassuring homeless LGBTQ+ Americans that the flames of Hell will keep them warm for eternity James Lankford, senior U.S. senator from Oklahoma, during a recent press conference following the announcement of a national Hannibal Lecter memorial by President Trump .

Health A team of surgeons and nurses, shown here using masks and sterile protective gear despite the extremely low risk of catching COVID-19 For almost everyone, the days of pandemic-related masking and social distancing are in the rearview mirror. In some hospitals, however, you might think you were walking down a hallway in 2020 rather than 2026. Some medical professionals are still taking extreme measures to avoid infections. When surgeons at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles walked into an operating room at the start of a busy week of procedures, each of them wore a mask. The team, assisted by highly trained nursing staff, then quickly donned sterile gloves and gowns before getting to work. Sharbonne Jenson, the cardiothoracic surgeon tasked with repairing the patient's damaged heart valve, said that the same rules apply regardless of the complexity of the procedure. "Ultimately it's about the health of the patient whether it's a simple appendectomy or a kidney transplant," Jenson explained. "But these methods do also reduce risk to staff interacting with patients who could spread potentially harmful germs. Everybody wins at the end of the day." During the early months of the pandemic, a positive coronavirus test could have sent anyone into isolation, typically at home or on a Diamond Princess cruise ship. And though coronavirus has faded into the background of our lives, perhaps only coming up as the answer in a barroom trivia competition, some hospitals continue to be extra cautious by separating sick patients and increasing the severity of precautions in specific circumstances. Staff can often be found wearing masks, gowns, and gloves while caring for certain patients at the bedside, with some wearing a mask as they move from room to room. "I don't see these kinds of precautions ever changing," Cedars-Sinai President and CEO Dr. Peter Slavin revealed. "A lot of experts in infectious diseases think it's pretty important for us to keep washing our hands and doing other stuff like that in order to prevent spreading disease. But it's really not that big of a deal to be honest because we are all pretty used to it by now." Healthcare rebel Vinay Prasad, whose photo in this article is at least 30% larger than the other photo as requested by his people, shown here not having to consoling a child whose father and grandmother died from COVID-19 Not every expert agrees, however. Some, like notorious academic bad boy and current director of the FDA's Center for Biologics Evaluation and Research Vinay Prasad , are frustrated by the insistence of some hospitals in forcing draconian infectious disease countermeasures on patients. "It's time to open up the hospitals. Put the isolation carts in storage and take down the precaution signs. Let hospitals return to the way things were before all the coronavirus madness." It may take years for the harm that patients suffered because of the stigma and social isolation linked to COVID precautions to become apparent. Prasad, who many in Washington think is a total badass because of his uncompromising approach to public health and his desire to see children suffer for some reason, fears the worst. "It may not be tomorrow or even next week. It might not even be next year, or the year after that. Maybe not even in five or ten years, or even fifteen, twenty, or thirty. But it's coming. It's coming for all of us."

Napa County, CA - Dale Southerland, an accountant visiting the Flora Springs Winery and Vineyards in St. Helena over the weekend, shocked a large crowd of winemakers, cellar rats, and fellow winery patrons when he was able to note 27 distinct flavors in their 2023 Russian River Valley Chardonnay. Southerland, shown here tasting the gooseberry mere moments before being ripped apart by fellow wine tasters so that they might feed upon his brain stem and olfactory cortex to acquire his unique and powerful wine tasting abilities "We've had people note ten, maybe fifteen flavors before," tasting room manager Ignacio Gutierrez explained. "They'll usually describe the aroma a bit and then comment on the finish, but this was incredible. Nobody has ever taken it to this level before and it's a great example of how precise wine tasting is and how some people are just better at this than others. And Dale was just a very impressive guy. We were all just very impressed, and it's a shame what they did to him." Southerland, who noted a glimmer of autumn leaves and gooseberry as the 26th and 27th flavors, hinted at even more subtle notes before the tragedy occurred. Gutierrez, who plans on taking some time off to process the horrific event, heard the gifted taster's final words right before a retired biology teacher from Fresno tore out his trachea with her bare hands. "He didn't seem entirely sure at first, but right at the end he said he could almost pick up on just a splash of black currant with Bing cherry undertones. Then his eyes lit up, and he smiled. I knew he had found something even deeper in the flavor profile, something subtle and sublime, like the scent of squirrel's feet as they scamper across the limbs of a California redwood or the brume from chalkboard erasers clapped in the rays of the late afternoon Sun passing through a classroom window. And then...he was gone."

Tampa, FL - For over a hundred years, when people think of their friendly neighborhood dentist, two words come to mind: "rinse" and "spit". Pivotal in the well-known process of removing excess saliva, tartar, plaque, and small chunks of food during a thorough dental cleaning is the cuspidor, also known as a spittoon. Modern cuspidors, like the Quantum 3000 Turbo-Bowl, come with their own water supply and a convenient place to place small paper or plastic cups, and their high-quality metamaterials allow for clean and efficient rinsing and waste management. A dentist and dental hygienist using an Astrolux Space Spittoon while treating a patient with Stage 3 stank mouth But as technology has advanced and efforts to modernize dentistry have become increasingly successful, more dentists are questioning traditional approaches and calling for research to support them. In the crosshairs is the standard approach of instructing patients in the dental chair to rinse, typically with water or gin, and then spit into a cuspidor. Not all dentists agree on the details, even the gin. "I'll give up my cuspidor when you pry it from my cold, dead hands," Tampa dentist and April 1973 Citizen of the Month winner Glen Ratchey, explained. "Patients love it. My staff respect it. And I gave it a name. It's Doris. And Doris does right by me." Number one on the list of potential problems with rinsing and spitting into a cuspidor, even the NASA-designed Astrolux Space Spittoon, is hygiene. Modern day infection control standards pushed some dentists to install expensive and often unreliable high-power suction devices in order to do away with the need to clean the small porcelain or metal bowls. Ratchey, who asked me to not make it sound like he has sex with Doris at night after the rest of the staff have gone home, doesn't support modern alternatives: Suction devices might sound like a fancy, high tech solution, but there are risks in addition to benefits. I once saw a kid whose lips were sucked right off in the middle of getting a filling. Doris may not be as young as she used to be, but she knows how to make a man like me happy. Real happy. If you know what I mean. In addition to concerns over cleanliness, spittoon skeptics also point out a lack of randomized controlled trials showing that rinsing and spitting is effective. Mort Fishman, a dentist and medical doctor who specializes in the treatment of stank mouth, is a prominent voice calling for more evidence. "Who's to say that spitting and then rinsing isn't the right order? Is spitting even necessary at all? When should the patient resume normal swallowing? Where do teeth even come from? There is just so much we don't know." But at the end of the day, Ratchey and other dentists who choose to stick to the old ways say that patients come first. He says that there is something to be said for individualized care but also the important rituals hidden within the art of dentistry that let a patient know that they are in good hands. "What about the gaggers or the patients who hate going to the dentist and don't want some nameless device shoved into their mouth? And those ten to fifteen seconds where a patient can sit up, take a little cup of lukewarm water, swish it around, and then spit it into Doris's beautiful bowl can be a magical time to reflect on how angry I am that they don't floss every day."