Trump's Controversial Hamburglar Pardon Shocks Critics

McDonaldland, IL - In an unprecedented move that strains the limits of Executive Office power, President Trump has issued a full pardon to one of the nation's most notorious burger thieves, the Hamburglar, who has been incarcerated in an Illinois state penitentiary since 2015.

A 2015 photo of the Hamburglar's arrest after a week-long manhunt in the Pratt's Wayne Woods forest preserve near Chicago

"This was a witch hunt targeting a patriot over fake crimes," Trump explained during an address to the nation earlier this week. "And for what? Taking a few extra hamburgers from some girls that were maybe a bit on the younger side? This is just another example of the Democrats abusing the justice system, like they did to me with the Russia, Russa, Russia hoax. This is just burger, burger, burger, and maybe a 12-year-old from Naperville."

Prior to his arrest and conviction for statutory burger theft, the life of the Hamburglar revolved around plotting hamburger heists at the expense of Ronald McDonald and the other citizens of Mcdonaldland, a township just outside of Chicago. According to McDonaldland mayor, Mayor McCheese, Hamburglar started out as a playful nuisance but eventually turned to more serious hamburger, and sometimes cheeseburger, related crimes. "We didn't think of him as evil at first. More a bumbling idiot that you can't help but root for because we all just want another burger from time to time. But then he met Epstein."

"Robble," The Hamburglar revealed in testimony during his 2015 trial. "Robble robble. Robble...robble."

Most experts do not believe that Trump's pardon will actually free the Hamburglar from prison. Lance Albertson, a legal scholar and former Fry Kid from McDonaldland, believes that this is more of a symbolic gesture. "The president's pardon power doesn't extend to state crimes and Hammy was convicted under state laws. Look, I understand what addiction is like. I mean, I was a God damn Fry Kid. But I don't have any sympathy for that guy, not after what he did with those girls."