Tallahassee, FL - In response to tightening restrictions on access to abortion across the country, more Florida women are now turning to a state-funded technology that continuously monitors their uterus and alerts them at the onset of pregnancy, allowing for more time to consider their options and to make plans. A Florida woman, shown here just prior to receiving a pregnancy alert text from Steve in the Governor's Office  "Because of new laws that have emerged in the wake of the Dobbs decision, women are looking for something to help them feel like they have more autonomy over their bodies and control over their lives," medical researcher Mort Fishman, MD explained. "That's where our continuous monitoring system, and the state's pregnancy database, come into play. When a new pregnancy is confirmed by the device, the Governor's Office will be alerted immediately and ready to provide guidance and assistance." Once inserted into the uterus, the PermaScan Internal Pregnancy Monitoring and Alert System (PIPMAS) provides constant surveillance for the development of pregnancy using both biochemical assays and direct visualization. According to Fishman, who heads Florida's Department of Internal Surveillance (DIS), women appreciate the peace of mind that comes from giving around-the-clock, real-time information on the health and pregnancy status of their uterus to the Governor's Office. "It is empowering because they are free to focus on more important things, like keeping the home and educating their children. The women of Florida are one of our most precious commodities, which is why it will soon be legally required that all of them have the device installed prior to their 11th birthday." Florida Governor Ron DeSantis , shown here at a recent Binding Ceremony with a group of uterus containment units after signing several pair bonds into law Pregnancy can be a stressful and confusing time for many women, especially when they aren't married or at least in a state-selected heterosexual pre-marriage pair bond. Fishman, who nearly finished the first year of his physical medicine and rehabilitation residency in 1993, has focused his career on improving the lives of Florida women, even the uggos. "With so much misinformation out there, from Planned Parenthood and the liberal Hollywood elites, my goal is to take some of the pressure off of these women with PIPMAS, and the good ones are usually pretty happy to let the DeSantis administration be in the driver's seat."

It's not going to be a vacation jaunt. You will need to recreate an entire industrial base on Mars, with mining and refining a variety of different materials in a difficult environment. No trees. No oxygen or nitrogen. No oil. But if we can establish a Mars colony, we will almost certainly extend ourselves throughout the Solar System. In order to make the Mars thing work, and to become a multi-planet civilization, we will need to have babies in space. And I am prepared to provide several hundred gallons of my own semen for use in future colonization efforts. Elon Musk, founder of SpaceX, shown here smiling as he imagines large drums of his seed travelling through space in a cargo ship he probably named the Millennium Falcum or Jizzball One Elon Musk , while speaking to a group of investors in his secret underground fortress on Skull Island.

Washington, D.C. - Republican lawmakers are raising concerns over the beloved American educational children's television series Sesame Street . A scene from the Lupercalia Festival celebration in an episode of Sesame Street where Elmo frees himself from ancestral bondage by undergoing an unbaptism ritual "This is a show for children that communicates to those children using "Muppets"," Lauren Boebert, the U.S. representative for Colorado's 3rd congressional district, explained. "Some of these "Muppets" have been alive for over fifty years. That's not natural. That's supernatural. That's the occult. That's Satan ." Not all conservative lawmakers are convinced that Big Bird, Oscar, or even Bert and Ernie are malign influences on the American populace brought into corporeality by Sesame Workshop, known for decades as the Children's Television Workshop and The Children's Church of the Dark Lord in its earliest incarnation. Some, like Republican vice presidential candidate Juris Doctor Vance, believe that there is one among them who does deserve extreme caution. "Count Von Count is behind the scenes pulling the strings. Well...counting them. Counting all of them until each and every one of us is prepared for Satan's earthly kingdom through modeling, repetition, and humor."

Washington, D.C. - President Donald Trump has announced Oklahoma junior senator Markwayne Mullin as his choice to replace Kristi Noem in the position of Homeland Security secretary. Markwayne Mullin, shown here dressed up as Walker, Texas Ranger at the annual Congressional Costume Party "Yes, I'm a Republican , yes I'm conservative, and yes, I sometimes can't find my hat and then realize it was on top of my head the entire time," Mullin explained. "Once I make the transition from the Senate to the Cabinet, my focus will be on developing a deep understanding of the position, beginning with asking my staff what DHS means." Mullin, known for his tough guy persona and fierce defense of Trump administration efforts to detain and deport undocumented immigrants, has little patience for political theater. According to the former mixed martial arts fighter and father of six, ICE agents have a difficult but very important job. "They are the real American heroes. They keep us safe but they're just regular folks that put on their pants one leg at a time just like me. It goes pants first, then shoes. Socks go on before shoes. I put my hat on first though. Speaking of, has anyone seen my hat?"

Lake Placid, NY - Legendary rapper and founding member of Public Enemy Flavor Flav was decapitated earlier today during a skeleton run at the Lake Placid Olympic and Paralympic Training Center. Flavor Flav, shown here with his head attached to his body while preparing for what would be his final ride, and serving as an example of how truly unpredictable life can be. "Nothing is more exciting in winter sports than the skeleton events," USA skeleton head coach Matt Antoine explained. "The athlete makes a running start to push their small sled and then, at the very last second, leaps onto the moving sled to speed down the chute at up to 81 miles per hour and with accelerations up to 5 g. But we are all really upset about what happened to Flavor Flav this morning." After appearing in the Olympics program in St. Moritz, Switzerland in both 1928 and 1948, skeleton became a permanent addition during the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. According to Olympic historian Jonas Bojangles, the sport originated in 1882 when English soldiers constructed a toboggan track between the towns of Davos and Klosters. "That first track had curves and bends that added a bit more danger to the experience. I can't even imagine how thrilling it must have been for those young men. It's a real tragedy about Flavor Flav. And you say his head came completely off? That's...surprising." Skeleton participants lie headfirst on the racing sleds with their arms by their sides and their faces practically touching the ice. It can be risky. Athletes typically wear a full-face fiberglass helmet in order to reduce the risk of brain injury in the case of a crash, but even during a good run there can be significant impacts to the shoulders, arms, and legs against chute walls. "Athletes competing in events like the skeleton are at increased risk of traumatic brain injury, even if they don't suffer a concussion from a blow to the head," Mort Fishman, MD, a neurologist who specializes in brain injuries in elite athletes and minor celebrities, revealed. "It's called "sled head", and it's the result of years of sub-concussive brain injury caused by intense vibration and gravitational force. Was it the clock necklace? Did it catch on something and just rip his head right off?" Flav had joined the USA bobsled and skeleton teams as their official hype man and sponsor for the 2026 Winter Olympics in Milan-Cortina, Italy after having previously supported the US women's water polo team at the 2024 Paris Olympics. He will be remembered for his high-energy personality and an uncanny ability to boost athlete moral and entice sponsors around the world. He was 66 years old.

In light of today's events, we at FIFA must consider possibly revoking the inaugural Peace Prize awarded to President Trump in December. At the very least, we will think about putting a hold on plans to bestow upon the president a permanent designation as FIFA Prince of Peace. Oops! That was supposed to be a surprise for his birthday party. Don't tell him you guys! Infantino, shown here awarding Salt Bae the inaugural FIFA World's Best Beef award in 2022 FIFA President Gianni Infantino, speaking to reporters outside of his home in Switzerland this afternoon.

Washington, D.C. - In an unprecedented move, President Trump has now officially called on the United States Ultimate Court for a decision after the Supreme Court struck down his extensive global tariffs last week. Vice-President JD Vance, shown here being told that the Ultimate Court requires a human sacrifice to appear, and right before everyone in the room turns and looks at him "This has never happened before," Federal Judicial Center director Robin Rosenberg explained. "We knew that it existed. That they existed. But to actually invoke their judgement over something like this? It's...it's...madness." The Ultimate Court has been shrouded in mystery since the inception of this country. According to Rosenberg, there are some legal historians that believe the Ultimate Court came into being long before the days of the Founding Fathers. "There are claims. Rumors mostly. I can't say anything with certainty, of course. But I've heard that they have been around for thousands of years, just watching. Watching and waiting. To be called." In a post on Truth Social earlier today, President Trump called the Supreme Court's decision into question and declared his intention to reach out to the Ultimate Court: The recent decision of the United States Supreme Court concerning TARIFFS could allow for Hundreds of Billions of Dollars to be returned to Countries and Companies that have been "ripping off" the United States of America for many years to come, and now, according to this Decision, could actually continue to do so, at an even increased level. This is why I have Broken all Three Seals and Spoken the Words passed down unbroken through the line of Presidents, from George Washington, who many people say I am doing a much better job than, to Me. President Donald J. Trump The Ultimate Court, once the ritual has been completed, will appear and pass judgement within three days, as represented by the Seals of Invocation, three stone tablets inscribed in Sanskrit. Though legal scholars do not entirely agree on how the process will unfold, Rosenberg believes that there are certain rules that must be followed. "As the tablets reveal, there will be a day of hearkening, a day of ascertainment, and a day of contemplation. At the end of the third day, a decision will be handed down. And then they'll order pizza."

Belvidere, NE - According to food scientists at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln Agricultural Research Division, a recent breakthrough in the science of genetically modifying plants has led to the development of foods, particularly baked goods, with considerably higher amounts of love. Belvidere's Myrna Miller, shown here baking with her grandson Mervis, who was born with a cabbage head because her daughter-in-law prefers Sara Lee to her own homemade apple pie "Everyone knows that the best meals are prepared with a little love," Derek McLean, Dean and Director of the Agricultural Research Division, explained. "With the use of advanced technology by some of the world's leading scientific minds in this field, we may soon live in a world where all of your favorite recipes, from apple pie to rhubarb cobble, from peach fritters to blueberry buckle, and even chocolate potato pie, will contain amounts of love previously believed to be impossible, and without needing to be made at home by your grandmother." Not everyone believes that the introduction of genetically modified crops into the food supply, even when they result in a substantial increase in the amount of love in a carrot cake or even a lemon meringue pie, is a good idea. Myrna Miller, whose peach cobbler has won first prize at the Belvidere Country Craft and Flea Market Bake-Off an unprecedented 54 years in a row, has begun a letter writing campaign in the hopes of putting and end to the project. It ain't right messin' around with nature like that. You just can't go foolin' with the natural order of things without brewin' up a mighty mess o' trouble. Trouble like increased rates of cancer and other degenerative ailments, the breeding of superviruses with near human-like intelligence, and more and more children being born with cabbage heads! Even some experts, like Harvard-adjacent culinologist Gilbert Gaudet, are questioning the need for focusing limited research dollars on increasing the percentage of love in food. According to a study performed at his science lab near Harvard, subjects frequently failed to determine when there is any love in a meal when blinded. "Eating is a highly complex activity and it is impossible to separate the environment surrounding a meal from the chemical components of the food being ingested. You can stuff an apricot clafoutis with as much love as you want, but you won't like it very much if you think it was baked by Ghislaine Maxwell.

People are always asking what happened to the characters after that day. Did Ferris and Sloane get married? Yes! And now their kid is having a day off too. Cameron? Well...his father killed him when he got home and saw what happened to the car. Murder-suicide. And for some reason Tom Cruise is in this, but he's playing Maverick from Top Gun . And there are zombies. I'm contractually obligated to do this. Matthew Broderick, shown here with wife Sarah Jessica Parker, discussing the recently announced Ferris Bueller's Day Off 2: Top Gun: Maverick 2: Zombie Apocalypse Matthew Broderick, star of the original Ferris Bueller's Day Off along with numerous other highly regarded film and Broadway productions over the past 5 decades, overheard talking about a follow-up to the 1986 classic comedy at his 7 a.m. Pilates class in the West Village.

Cambridge, MA - The results of a groundbreaking scientific study conducted near Harvard are calling into question a long-held culinary belief and angering home cooks around the world. Half of the study meals were prepared by Gladys Simpson, a real life grandmother whose heart is filled with hate, shown here angrily whisking up some homemade meringue "It's a myth," Chief culinologist and the study's lead author Gilbert Gaudet explained. "The subjects in our study performed no better than chance when attempting to detect when a grandmother-prepared meal was made with love. They might as well have flipped a coin." The study followed a strict protocol that involved blinding subjects so that they were unaware of which of two grandmothers, only one having any love to give, had prepared their meals. According to Gaudet, the experience of a meal is influenced by a variety of factors, most of which are entirely subjective and influenced by personal preferences and biases. "People are more likely to taste love in a meal when they know it was cooked by someone that cares about them, or at least who they think cares about them. Let's be honest, a lot of grandmothers are just phoning it in." Published earlier this month in Online Publishing Module # 784,347: Proceedings of the National Academy of Home Cookin' , the study is making waves around the world. Some critics, like Myrna Miller, a Nebraska grandmother as famous for her peach cobbler as for her no-nonsense approach to media interviews, don't accept the study conclusions or proposed mechanism behind them. "I don't buy it. It's nonsense. And everyone knows that I don't stand for nonsense, especially when it comes to home cookin'. Y'all come back now if you have any more questions, ya hear?" Another interesting result from the study involved the assessment of subject confidence. The majority of participants expressed very high confidence in their ability to determine when a recipe was made with love or when it was full of hate. Subject 11, who request to remain anonymous in order to avoid breaking his grandmother's heart, found that the results were more than a bit hard to swallow. "I would have bet my house on that lasagna being full of love, but they showed me the recipe. Basil, garlic, oregano, pasta, sauce, and cheese. It was all there...except for the love. I've been living a lie."

Baton Rouge, LA - Jeff Landry, Louisiana governor and U.S. Special Envoy to Greenland, is defending his plan to send a fleet of emergency pirogues to the Danish territory after a stern rejection from the semi-autonomous island nation's prime minister. Alphonse Thibodeaux, a retired shrimper from Mamou, shown here in his pirogue preparing to head out to Greenland along with the rest of the fleet "Shame on dat couyon," Landry wrote on X over the weekend. "After making the veiller with so many dem Greenlanders bout all the problems dat they got tous les jours, healthcare was un grande de'pouille, cher." Landry was responding to Prime Minister Nielson's immediate and forceful rejection on Sunday of President Trump's plan to send aid to Greenland despite the lack of a known medical emergency on the island or an invitation. He added that the health of Greenland is important for national security here in the United States, and that Louisiana would add to Trump's effort by sending a large fleet of pirogues to Greenland carrying a variety of emergency supplies. The pirogue, traditionally crafted from a single hollowed out cypress log, are lightweight and buoyant watercraft that typically measure between ten and twenty feet in length. Cajun historian Andouille Hebert, an expert in the history of the pirogue, says that their flat bottom and shallow draft, and lightweight design, allow them to be easily propelled with a paddle or push pole. "The pirogue has played may roles in Louisiana culture , from transportation, to hunting and fishing, and as a symbol of our community and traditions. And if any boat could make the 3,000-mile journey across the Atlantic Ocean to Greenland, then it just might be the mighty pirogue!" In a Truth Social post on Saturday, Trump announced his plan to send a "great hospital boat" to Greenland, though both USNS Mercy and USNS Comfort are currently in dry dock for scheduled maintenance. According to the president, Greenland would not need to wait long. "Working with the fantastic Governor of Louisiana, Jeff Landry, we are going to send a great hospital boat to Greenland to take care of the many people who are sick, and not being taken care of there. It's on the way!!!" Landry added in his response to the Prime Minister that many in Greenland are missing out on essential basic services taken for granted by Americans. "There are small settlements without boudin, without dat good French bread for makin' po'boys, and without even un petit peu of Tony Chachere's to put in their gumbo. Mais tracasse-toi pas. That's why we sendin' dem good Louisiana boys in dem pirogues to help out, and maybe we throw in a little lagniappe too. Ca c'est bon! Allons-y, boo."

Nobody should be discouraged who is alive right now because there is a lot to look forward to thanks to rapidly advancing technology. Most of you won't even have to worry about that dreaded commute to work by 2045, because of robots. Yes...robots. You'll all be...ummm...living in space while the robots do all the hard stuff? Yeah, that's right. Just relaxing in space. Doesn't that sound exciting? And you won't all be left behind. Who said anything about all the poor people being left on Earth? Not me. You'll definitely all be invited. Jeff Bezos, shown here discussing the installation of med-bays, devices that can heal any condition and reverse aging, in his luxury space station orbiting just outside of Earth's atmosphere with a group of billionaires gathered on Skull Island Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon and Blue Origin, while speaking on stage to a crowd of low- and middle-income workers at the Future Trends 2026 conference held this weekend in Detroit.