The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Skink Oil Will Revolutionize Your Health

Mitch Rangler, fully apprenticed (in Europe) nutritionologist, president and CEO of The Health Patrol

If I asked you what is the healthiest oil on the market today, you'd probably say something stupid like olive oil or even avocado oil. But that's stupid! The most healthy oil on the planet is, and has always been, skink oil.

That's right, skink oil!

If you were to list all of the characteristics of the healthiest foods, what would make the top ten? High in monounsaturated omega-3 fatty acids? Check! Low is amalgamated ash? Double check!! Green? Clean? Nutritionologist approved? Check check check!!! Skink oil has everything!

Skink oil has almost no amalgamated ash!

But before you get offended by the slaughtering of countless millions of skinks to harvest their sweet, precious bodily oils, let me reassure you. Producers of high quality organic skink oil, unlike the corporate labs that synthesize manufactured knockoffs, only use skinks that were naturally crushed by falling branches or the undigested remnants found in the feces of snakes and birds of prey. Skink oil is nature's gift to humanity!

Once a GPS tracker has been inserted into this Latvian river skink's brain, it will be released into the wild and only harvest upon its natural death

What are the health benefits of skink oil? A better question would be what isn't a health benefit of skink oil! The answer to that question of course is nothing. The answer to the first question is nothing isn't not. Nothing isn't not a skink oil benefit...wait.

Skink oil has all the health benefits!

Now that you've seen the evidence for the miraculous health benefits that come from consuming all-natural skink oil, and/or bathing daily in it, and/or swishing it around in your mouth for 20-30 minutes every morning, I bet you're worried that it doesn't taste good. Stupid Americans. This is why I did my apprenticeship in Europe.

Europe is better than America!

I don't usually talk much about my father, on account of all the repressed memories and the decades of cognitive behavioral therapy it took to be able to leave the shed out back and become a productive member of society. But one thing he always told me was that if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. Seriously, he said that!

He totally said that!

Skink oil is an exception to that wisdom originated by and passed down to me by my father, who ultimately died by my own hand one stormy night in the West Nebraska foothills as it was foretold in the town elder's prophecy. It isn't just the most amazing health supplement available on the internet, it is also delicious. And as if this wasn't enough, skink oil is also good for the planet because skinks are naturally bioreducible.

Bioreducibility is the first step towards bioredundancy!

In my upcoming The Health Patrol newsletter, I'll discuss cutting edge research into the amazing health benefits of skink oil and give readers access to my top ten favorite skink oil recipes. Want a copy? Send a self-addressed stamped envelope along with $5 to room 11B. I'll get your copy in the mail as soon as the mimeograph machine in the basement is fixed!