The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Seed Oils Are Killing Us All!

Mitch Rangler, fully apprenticed (in Europe) nutritionologist, president and CEO of The Health Patrol

What are seed oils?

Given the chance, seed oils will kill you and everyone you care about. But what are they? Seed oils are oils used for cooking that are made from the seeds of certain plants, like sunflowers, safflowers, peanuts, or the creeping blotus. These oils are often used to make synthetic and unnatural foods like cheeseburgers, curly fries, and Totino's microwave mini pizza bagels.

Because of the way that these oils are manufactured, they are a powerful source of inflammation and disease in the human body as well as a variety of other mammals, like dogs, cats, and the flying dugong. Many animals won't even eat food made with seed oils. Try giving a mini pizza bagel to a deer. They run away before you can get within fifty feet.

I won't eat anything that I can't shove down a deer's gullet!

What makes seed oils so dangerous? Seed oils must undergo a refining process, which includes bleaching, deodorizing, strip mining, and fracking, in order to improve their taste, color, and shelf life. But this makes them toxic by removing antioxidants and underbalancing levels of omega-6 fatty acids. One study performed near Harvard found that 100% of cadavers were found to have levels of omega-6. And we let children eat this stuff.

How did seed oils murder all those people? Simple. With inflammation. Inflammation is the root cause of a number of diseases and chronic illnesses, like arthritis, heart disease, diabetes, plectal derangement, and grimp. And don't forget cancer.

A human woman, shown here eating a salad full of seed oils and screaming helplessly into the void while cursing a God that would create such an evil substance

Stop forgetting cancer!

Cancer is caused by carcinogens. So far, science men have discovered more than one hundred different types, including ultraviolet rays from space, chemicals, alcohol, and pornography. And yes, even the seed oils found in both ultra and super mega-processed foods. When heated beyond a certain point, seed oils turn into toxic carcinogens that will literally change your DNA from the inside and lead to mutations. It may take years or even decades, and you may develop powers, but eventually the mutations will turn into full blown cancer.

Powers aren't worth cancer, not even x-ray vision you pervert!

What can we do about seed oils as a society? Unfortunately, it isn't realistic to completely remove seed oils from the environment. They are in the water you drink and the air you breathe. A study next to Cambridge even found that seed oils are present in some plants. But on an individual level, you can make a few simple changes:

1. Replace seed oils with natural organic skink oil. I'll discuss skink oil in a future article, but let's just say that they are the healthiest oil available on the market today. Let's all just say that!

2. Reduce intake of processed foods by checking labels and demanding that the lady at Target tell you where all the seed oils are so you can avoid them.

3. Only buy simple foods with clean ingredients. You can't just rinse food off to get rid of the seed oils, however. I recommend purchasing a Level 3 home autoclave just to be safe. A level 2 might do the trick, but why take a chance when it comes to your health?