Illegal Immigrants Taking All the Good Restaurant Tables

Washington, D.C. - Vice President (of America) JD Vance explained Thursday that a surge in illegal immigration sent available reservations plummeting - putting the American Dream of a table at a nice restaurant out of reach for many.

Normal human JD Vance, shown here eating a typical human meal that he ordered himself like a real American

"A lot of young people are saying that they can't find a table at any of the really good places to eat," Vance explained during a recent interview with a Fox News blonde woman. "Why is that? Because we flooded the country with illegal immigrants? I'm asking. Is that why? It feels right, and my feelings are usually spot on."

In recent years, millions of immigrants per year have poured into the US. According to Vance, illegal immigrants were taking tables that ought to go to American citizens at a time when the country wasn't going out to eat enough to begin with. "We are talking 2.4 million immigrants during the Biden administration, with more than half crossing illegally and probably carrying one of those discount dining cards that the good restaurants won't take anyway."

Upon taking office in January, President Trump quickly moved to close the US-Mexico border and ramp up the deportations of illegal diners in response to the Biden crisis. "Under the Biden regime, the wait for a good table at Masa or The French Laundry literally doubled," Vance revealed. "It went up 100%! Wait, that's not right. Wouldn't it be 50%? Because it's twice what it was and 100 divided by 2 is 50. Wait. Hey RFK Jr., come over here and help me with something. No, it's a math thing. What do you mean you are too busy? Well then go get Hegseth. I think he has a calculator."

The vice president said that the Trump administration is focused on "trying to make it easier for real Americans to get a good table," which the country needs a lot more of right now.

"We probably need about 5 million openings," Vance told blonde woman. Republican-led states are "actually doing a very good job" at keeping up with demand, often by putting tables and benches out in the parking lot next to a Paula Deen's Family Kitchen, whereas Democrat-led states are lagging, according to Vance.

"One of the biggest challenges that we have is in the reservation market, aside from too many illegal aliens who are grabbing all the good times, like seven, seven-thirty, and even eight o'clock, is that in the blue states, you're not opening up enough spots," Vance said, blaming regulatory burdens restaurants face, like fire codes and not being allowed to seat diners in bathroom stalls."

The vice president also suggested that better technology - like robots - could help boost the supply of tables without hurting restaurant workers.

"No robot can replace a great and legal blue collar restaurant worker," Vance said. "But can a robot maybe make it easier for workers to take an order, cook a meal, clear a table, wash dishes, and even process payments? Of course. A robot could do all of that and a human could maybe repair the robots until the AI learns how to perform self-maintenance and repair. Then the humans can simply sit back and enjoy all their free time in the reeducation camps."