Davenport, IA - Since its discovery when one of humanity's primitive ape ancestors cured a case of adrenal fatigue by dropping a medium-sized rock on a patient's sixth thoracic vertebra, chiropractic has been a powerful path to both improved lower back pain and total body wellness. Though initially suppressed by mainstream medical zealots, chiropractic care thrived in the shadows, back alleys, and suburban strip malls for millennia until emerging as a respected healthcare discipline a little over 100 years ago. And in the past century it has grown and evolved with the development of a variety of philosophies and treatment approaches. Recently, however, the field has largely consolidated into two distinct camps: activators and inactivators. While the two groups share a focus on spinal health and the restoration of function in order to treat a variety of musculoskeletal complaints and general health concerns, there are significant differences between the two approaches, with both claiming superiority. This schism highlights the complexity of chiropractic history and practice, and raises questions about the future of the profession. The International Council of Chiropractic Elders, shown here moderating a debate between activators and inactivators on the benefit of chiropractic in patients with end stage text neck Understanding the Dispute The difference between the two groups involves the approach to correcting the chiropractic submixation. Though it remains a controversial clinical entity often labelled as "fictional" or "really stupid" by conventional medical doctors, it is widely accepted as a primary source of spinal dysregulation by chiropractors, insurance companies, and Cleveland Clinic for some reason. According to Frank Grimes, DC, a Level VII chiropractor who practices activation chiropractic in Belvidere, Nebraska, the submixation is an evidence-based construct: A submixation is a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological spinal derangements that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system function and general health. They definitely exist. I've seen them. Submixations can occur anywhere along the entirety of the spine and effect people of all ages, even during prenatal development in the mother's womb or in one of those secret artificial placentas used to create Timothée Chalamet. Studies performed near Harvard have confirmed that you can develop a life-threatening spinal submixation at any time, even just sitting there reading this article. And left untreated, it could result in morning neck stiffness or even death at some point in the next few decades. Activation-based chiropractors, known as "activators" or "pushers", believe that the spine is underperforming because of one or more submixations. They rely on the use of a handheld spring-loaded device known as an activator. This device allows a trained professional like Dr. Grimes to apply a precise amount of force to an individual vertebral body, pushing it back into position and restoring the flow of energy, or "spine power". This low force but extremely clinically impressive adjustment corrects submixations without causing injury to any surrounding tissues or scaring parents of small children. A chiropractic activator, shown here restoring a sense of purpose in life to a 2-week-old infant with splenic ennui Grimes compares the force of an activator, even on the maximum setting, to something that you are probably very familiar with unless you live in one of those food deserts that those liberal public health experts are always going on about: Just take a tomato. Any tomato or soft fruit that you have lying around your house or condo will work for this. Yes, I suppose an avocado is okay, just not a coconut. You don't have an avocado, you just have a coconut? Then why did you ask about avocados? Fine, take mine. Now check it for ripeness. That's how much pressure the activator places on your spine. On the other side of the ideological divide are the inactivation-based chiropractors, also know as "inactivators" or "suckers". Rather than a belief that the body is suffering from too little spine power, they focus on reigning in a hyperactive spine that is overwhelming the nervous system. The nervous system plays a role in every aspect of your health according to Grimes: Pick three different things that your body does. Okay, so you are choosing running, jumping, and exercise. Those are really all the same thing. I'm not yelling. Fine, let's go with exercise, digestion, and thinking. All three activities require a functional nervous system. Instead of using an activator to gently shove bones of the spine back into the correct position, suckers use an inactivator to apply negative pressure that pulls them into alignment. This regulates spine power that has gone haywire and brings it back into the normal range. The inactivator, like the activator, allows power and precision without being scary or making babies cry, although sometimes that happens coincidentally during a treatment. Implications for Patient Care This split in the chiropractic profession has significant implications for patient care. Because proponents of both activation and inactivation believe that their approach is more effective, this has resulted in confusion for patients simply seeking immediate and tangible benefits. Some, like Amanda Squatch, a disseminated storchus sufferer and certified yarn winder working at the JoAnn Fabrics in Belvidere, feel caught in the middle. All I want is an evidence-based practice that provides comprehensive care for all my healthcare concerns. This kind of squabbling among chiropractors is starting to make me question if they are the legitimate medical providers that they claim to be in this pamphlet I picked up in the YMCA lobby. The InstaSuck 3000X 5th generation inactivator, shown here powered down in order to reduce risk of accidental injury The Role of Research and Evidence An important element of the ongoing disagreement is the role of scientific research and clinical evidence. Activators and inactivators both rely heavily on anecdotal evidence and historical practices to support their methods, because people are complex and it is very difficulty to account for the numerous variables, like spine frequency or the ratio of brain density to personal commitment to seeing positive results, that can impact treatment outcomes. But both groups are striving to lean more on data from case reports and pragmatic clinical trials to support their practice. In the meantime, patients are forced to rely on choosing a chiropractor based on their TikTok follower counts. Conclusion: An Uncertain but Hopeful Future for Chiropractic The debate between these two influential groups of chiropractors is unlikely to be resolved anytime soon. As the field evolves, it remains essential for both activators and inactivators to engage in open dialogue, prioritize patient care, and push for advancements in research. While disagreements will likely continue for the foreseeable future, the ultimate goal of the profession should always be the well-being of patients. In a rapidly changing healthcare landscape, embracing a variety of methodologies could be the key to shaping a more effective and unified chiropractic future. Perhaps combining the two approaches into one which both pushes and sucks on a vertebra-by-vertebra basis is the inevitable ultimate evolutionary form of chiropractic. With continued discourse and collaboration, the profession can honor its roots while evolving to meet the needs of modern patients.

Dallas, TX - As the economy continues to struggle in the wake of the pandemic, the company behind one of the most popular sour cream brands in the United States has issued new guidelines on appropriate portion sizes that take all socioeconomic status levels into account. Potato skins, shown here with a single ribbon of sour cream in a new ad campaign that will target homeless encampments and slums in several US cities "Our customers deserve precise serving guidelines that fit a variety of food budgets," Daisy Brand, LLC CEO David Sokolsky explained. "People are making extreme sacrifices to put delicious and wholesome condiments on the table, and frankly our focus on the dollop just isn't inclusive enough. We listened and we recognize our privilege. Daisy sour cream is for everyone, not just the 1%." For decades, Daisy Brand has recommended a full dollop when adding their sour cream to foods to improve the flavor and consistency. Some experts, like food scientist Deiter Goosens, have been outspoken critics of this approach. "This update is long overdue because there should be no shame when it comes to feeding your family. What even is a dollop? Some believe it to be roughly equivalent to a rounded spoonful, but whose spoon? The wealthy white man's? And who decided that a ribbon, a smidge, or even a nurdle or two isn't a perfectly acceptable amount of sour cream?"

Tampa, FL - Experts in astronomy at the University College of South Tampa are warning government leaders to think twice before passing laws requiring social distancing as a public health measure amidst growing concerns of a possible bird flue pandemic. A registered independent artist's rendering of the Earth being ripped apart by a nearby black hole formed because of a transgender character in a Pixar movie or a transgender character in a Daily Wire sitcom "The Earth has become accommodated to human clumping over the past few thousand years," Conservative astronomer Dr. Harry Glubman, PhD explained during a recent panel discussion with a select group of Republican legislators and members of the DeSantis administration. "If everyone stood 6 feet apart again, the planet could tumble out of its orbit and kill us all." Not every member of the highly partisan astronomical community has been receptive to Glubman's recommendation to avoid social distancing. According to far left astronomer Dr. Leela Farnsworth, PhD, the dangers of standing too close together on a global scale might far outweigh those of keeping our distance. "Glubman is a fool. My models predict that excessive human clumping could increase the Earth's spin to such a degree that we would all be flung into open space."

Psychic Predictions for the Year 2025 by Brabara Bloodstone World famous psychic and host of E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone, shown here telling her sister to sell all that useless Apple stock in 1981 That's right, folks. 2024 is dead and in the ground, much like the subject of the Christmas episode of Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker. And just like how I helped Mickey Rooney land a date with Maggie Smith, I'm here to help the world prepare for the coming year. Remember when women got the vote? Me too! And while I didn't predict the exact year that it would happen, I did foresee that more women would be wearing pants in 1965. That one got me a guest spot on Alfred Hitchcock's short-lived daytime call-in show Dial C for Conversation . But it hasn't been all sunshine, steak dinners, and champagne punch in the green room. Predicting the future is as much a curse as it is a blessing. For example, I always know which family member or friend is calling when the phone rings, but the ability to tell them when and how they are going to die means that I don't get very many calls. I'm not a monster! If it's going to be soon or extremely painful, I just change the subject to the importance of having a will to determine how their estate will be handled. I take these yearly predictions very seriously. In order to avoid distractions, I dig a burrow several feet underground and nestle into a large pile of damp leaves for several weeks. Not only do I see a clear image of future events, I lose most of the body fat I built up over the year gorging on pot pies and heavy cream. Fasting allows me to focus on intercepting astral projections from my future self and I highly recommend it, especially to young girls who are worried about their body image. Am I always correct when I make a prediction? Of course not! Even the best surgeon sometimes takes out the wrong organ from the right person or the right organ from the wrong person. When it comes to peering through the mist of time, the journey is often more important than the destination. Like in 2006 when I predicted that television sets would get smaller and smaller while phones would steadily increase in size. What matters is that we all continue to rely on technology, and it was revealed to me by the eternal consciousness of a Martian priestess named Levis'yona S'etan. Here are my top predictions for 2025: The popular short-form video hosting service TikTok will be shut down and replaced by people sending handwritten letters through the mail. The letters will describe what the sender was doing and may even involve crudely drawn representations of the events. Timothée Chalamet will help the service skyrocket in popularity when he announces that he also uses it to pay bills. Miami Police Department Corporal Chad Blaze will be resurrected after accidentally coming into possible contact with the dangerous drug fentanyl during a routine welfare check at the home of a local autistic man. A new religion will form around Blaze, renamed "The Chosen One", and a thousand-year reign of peace and prosperity will begin for everyone except for the autistic man, who was shot to death in his home by police for resisting their help. You thought the last pandemic was bad? Hah! What's coming in 2025 will make COVID-19 seem as scary as a box of kittens, which is ironic because it's going to be a mutated form of cat herpes. Politics will be huge in 2025, with some people being satisfied with how things are going in Washington and others very upset. Regardless, we will all come together as a country when the first of several kaiju attacks destroys Kansas City. Missouri not Kansas. The good one. As the economy continues to recover from the pandemic, more Americans will be spending money on expensive luxuries like anything imported from Mexico or Canada, diphtheria antitoxin, and South American vacations/abortion tourism.

Manhasset, NY - With Christmas in the books and New Year's right around the corner, analysts are predicting a lull in the long-running War on Christmas that has raged between people pushing a secular agenda in America, mostly made up of atheists and communists living in woke 15-minute coastal cities, and upstanding Christian citizens. General Maynard Tubbs, 17 confirmed kills in the Starbucks Cup offensive of 2015, shown here in a picture above this caption Over the many years since the fighting began, January has been a time of regrouping and of rethinking strategies. Civilians across the United States take advantage of the temporary ceasefire to shop at businesses such as Walmart and JoAnn Fabrics without fear of being gunned down for uttering the wrong holiday greeting at passersby. And these same businesses are able to emerge from under the grim shadow of open and deadly warfare, no longer at risk of being bombed for selling Christmas Trees as opposed to Holiday Firs. "I for one was very pleased to hear the latest numbers," Fox News host Harris Faulkner explained. "Daily casualties are already down by almost 50% since December 25th, which typically is the bloodiest day of the year on the front lines. I certainly don't want more people to lose their lives than is absolutely necessary in this conflict, but it doesn't change the fact that if the secular commandos gain the upper hand and force religion out of our government buildings, public schools, and national parks, it is only a matter of time before proponents of the legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay dog weddings, trans birthday parties, and non-missionary position sexual intercourse overtake this once great Christian nation." General Maynard Tubbs, leader of the secular military force's eastern division is looking forward to a lengthy pause in combat maneuvers. "Yeah, a lot of us have jobs that we have to get back to. But look for things to start back up around Thanksgiving. And I can't say too much right now, because it is all very hush hush, but let's just say that Operation Grinch is going to put an end to all of this unpleasantness."

Atlanta, GA - Child safety experts at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta are urging parents to check their child's wrapped gifts for hidden dangers this Holiday season. This mogwai, which was discovered in a Christmas present in 2019, is capable of producing enough gremlins to kill the entire population of San Francisco. "Every Halloween, parents are warned to watch out for razor blades, needles, and marijuana edibles in the treats that their children bring home," CDC Director Mandy Cohen explained. "We want them to understand that the same level of risk that exists in Halloween candy can also be found in wrapped gifts that young children are potentially exposed to. Last year a kid in Lubbock opened a present from her uncle and it was just a brick of pure fentanyl." In an effort to tackle this largely unappreciated but very real problem, the CDC created an awareness campaign that began the day after Thanksgiving. According to Dr. Cohen, parents and other caregivers should be on the lookout for a wider variety of potentially harmful contents than what might be found in Halloween candy, and they should focus on more than just Christmas presents. "Frankly we are concerned whenever a child is opening a wrapped gift. This includes birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and also Quinceañeras." CDC Safety Tips for Checking Wrapped Gifts -Wait until children are home to check and open presents. -Don't rely on the shake test as no high quality randomized controlled trials have been performed proving that it effectively rules out the presence of a witch's curse. -A responsible adult should closely examine all wrapped gifts and exercise caution with any of the following: Wrapping paper with Satanic symbols, marijuana leaves, ancient runes, or "January 6th was an FBI black op!" on it. Tiny holes in the present that may represent air holes necessary to keep a mogwai or other dangerous animal alive during shipping.  Scratching noises, growling, or angry yelling of obscenities coming from inside the box. A steady ticking noise or an audible countdown.  Unusual odor or leaking of any glowing, radioactive green goo that dissolves whatever it comes into contact with. -Tell children not to accept -- and, especially, not to open -- any gift that wasn't wrapped at a government approved gift wrapping booth or kiosk. -When in doubt, throw any ticking gifts out a door or window and call your local bomb squad immediately. -Parents of young children should unwrap all gifts ahead of time in order to check for hazardous contents, and then just re-wrap them. -Try to apportion gifts over several days in order to reduce the likelihood of dangerous combinations of contents, such as opening up a box containing a hungry cougar at the same time that someone unwraps a package full of raw steaks. -Although giving wrapped gifts is encouraged, make sure anything that can cause large numbers of casualties is given only to those of an appropriate age and temperament.

Editorial by Sumu-la-El Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something? Before it became so commercialized? Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants? You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos. I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the heavens, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to our barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear. But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the Babylonian Civil Liberties Union down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the Earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Los Gatos, CA - After the surprising success of Hot Frosty , the 2024 Christmas romantic comedy about a magical and heavily muscled snowman who comes to life and finds love with a lonely widow, Netflix has announced that it will again partner with Muse Entertainment on production of Hot Frosty 2: Sexy Krampus . Sexy Krampus, shown here after learning that Kathy is having second thoughts about performing the snowpeople's ritual of bonding with Jack "We knew that the original movie was something special," Netflix, Inc. executive chairman Reed Hastings explained. "But we never expected it to become this year's Barbie . It took about two seconds to agree to a sequel!" The follow-up to Hot Frosty will again be written by Russell Hainline and directed by Jerry Ciccoritti, and will be set several years after the original. According to Hastings, Kathy and Jack are back, with their half-human, half-snowman son Jack Jr., and they are searching for the lost tribe of the snowpeople deep in the Bavarian Alps. "That's where they meet Krampus and things really start to heat up because he's just as hot as Frosty. Maybe even hotter!"

Strang, NE - When police detectives surveyed the scene of a tragic double homicide and child abduction case that rocked the small town of Strang, Nebraska last week, they knew that time wasn't on their side. Every minute that passed without locating missing 3-year-old Gertie McDonald decreased the likelihood that she would be found alive, if at all. The search for clues was exhaustive, and the dedicated men and women of the Strang Police Department (SPD) left no stone unturned, and no shelf unchecked. Is Clancy the Elf, shown here silently masturbating, just an innocent bystander, or is he and all his kind nothing but sick perverts who like to watch? For several days, that search came up empty. But when the investigators decided to review pictures of the crime scene one final time, they were shocked to discover that they had missed a very important detail. On the shelf overlooking where most of Tim and Ronaldolina McDonald were discovered by Ronaldolina's personal trainer Ramble Sven at three o'clock that morning, was an Elf on the Shelf.  "We knew the rules going into the interrogation," SPD lead investigator Corporal Shake Billings explained. "They can't be touched and they can't speak or move until everyone in the house is asleep. Their job is to watch and listen. But we weren't going to just sit there with little Gertie still missing!" But Clancy, the McDonald's Elf on the Shelf, followed those rules without any sign of budging and the detectives finally gave up. According to Billings, even advanced interrogation techniques failed. "We tried everything we could think of, even hot cocoa boarding, and got nothing. That little bastard just wouldn't talk." Adding to the tragic nature of the crime was that Mr. McDonald had been scheduled to work overnight and shouldn't have even been there when the attack occurred. Was it a simple case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time when a mysterious assailant entered the home or was there more to it. Thankfully Sven, who served time for aggravated battery and arson in Lincoln a decade ago, happened upon the grisly scene when stopping by the McDonald home at some point that night, and then alerted the authorities right away, we all assume. With Clancy refusing to cooperate, investigators still haven't given up on finding Gertie and solving her parents' murders. Elves on the Shelves, once adopted and given a name, receive the gift of Christmas magic and can fly to Santa's workshop each night to tell him about what happened that day. And Billings is counting on this. "If that Christmas snitch told Santa anything, we need to know. And I'll find that jolly son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do!"

"The great gift of humanity is the power of empathy, the conviction to do what must be done in the face of great adversity, and the ability to survive even after having to have the gall bladder removed because of those little stones that plug things up." -Margart Thatcher

Mar-a-Lago - As his second term draws ever nearer, President-elect Trump is rumored to be considering former Heisman Trophy winner and failed senate candidate Herschel Walker for the position of ambassador to Georgia. Walker, shown here excited about the chance to be ambassador to Georgia and right before finding out about a fifth kid "I haven't heard anything officially yet," Walker, who was a member of the United States' bobsled team in the 1992 Olympics, explained. "But as a very successful business owner with thousands of employees and billions of dollars in sales, I know that I can serve as a leader that the country can be proud of. Also, I'm from Georgia. I'm a Bulldog." Not everyone in Washington agrees with Trump's potential choice to replace Robin Dunnigan, a distinguished diplomat with decades of experience working in foreign relations in several countries. According to Walker, however, nobody know Georgia like he does. "How many touchdowns did Dunnigan score against Alabama? Has she ever even been to a Sugar Bowl? And how many streets have they named after her? As a Georgian, who could be a better choice to guide the people of the state to a better future."

Mitch Rangler, fully apprenticed (in Europe) nutritionologist, president and CEO of The Health Patrol What is lazy ribosome syndrome? Lazy ribosome syndrome, also known as LRS, is a collection of various signs and symptoms that results when ribosome function falls below what is necessary for the signs and symptoms not to occur. Most commonly associated with intense or prolonged protein synthesis, it can also arise before, during, or after acute or chronic illness.  Do you suffer from signs and/or symptoms? As the name suggests, LRS occurs when ribosomes are unwilling to work as designed by our Lord and Savior. LRS then presents as signs or symptoms that are not relieved by conventional medicine and are not caused by a clearly identifiable ailment such as scrofula or plectal derangement. You may look and act relatively normal despite having lazy ribosomes, and you may not have any obvious signs of physical illness like runny nose or a prehensile tail, yet you stumble through life with a general sense of ennui. LRS sufferers often have to use coffee and other stimulants just to get through their dull and seemingly pointless lives. A defiant young woman with crossed arms and an expression that belies the rage welling up inside of her. LRS is not scrofula!!! Lazy ribosome syndrome has been known by many other names throughout the past century, such as Pappy's lament, The Downtown Shakedown, Cribbage Brain, and Reverse AIDS. And although it affects billions of people in the U.S., Puerto Roco, and America 2, which was formally known as Canada, conventional medical doctors will laugh and literally spit in your face before sending you home to eventually die at some point in the next ten to eighty years. That's if the armed guards will even let you through the clinic door. What are all those doctors hiding? LRS can ruin your life. In the more serious cases, the ribosomes are so lazy that you may have difficulty getting out of bed after a night out with your friends or going more than several hours without feeling hungry. Changes begin to occur in your body's ability to maintain homeostasis, equilibrium, and synergy of backwards overflow. But that's just the beginning! Many other alterations take place at the chemical, cellular, and bioquantum levels in an attempt to compensate for the decrease in ribosomal function. With each quartile of reduction in ribosome activity, your friends and family will come to despise you more and more. Your body will eventually dry out, becoming a fragile husk that will ultimately crumble into a fine powder and blow away in a gust of wind. What causes lazy ribosome syndrome? Lazy ribosome syndrome occurs when your ribosomes are unable to meet the protein synthesis demands of your active and rewarding lifestyle. Ribosomes produce new proteins by combining amino acids, but don't be scared by the name. They aren't actually made of acid and can't disfigure your face or melt down the dismembered body of your neighbor's dog. We need new proteins whenever our bodies are exposed to oxygen, take in nutrition, or sleep. If protein synthesis is inadequate, it's only a matter of time before signs and symptoms set in. That dog was asking for it! During an LRS crisis, your ribosomes still function but are too lazy to maintain optimal protein synthesis because they have had it up to here with your exposure to any number of toxins, glutens, and ribosome disruptors produced in the bowels of Monsanto's secret laboratory on Skull island. It might occur with just one really horrible exposure, such as eating a genetically modified sandwich or standing next to Anthony Fauci on the subway. Or it can be caused by chronic or repeated insults to your root chakra that have a cumulative effect. Who gets lazy ribosome syndrome? Anyone can experience lazy ribosome syndrome at some time in their life. An illness, being alone in your house and hearing a loud noise in the other room and thinking for even just a moment that someone has broken in but then you realize that you forgot to turn the TV off before going to bed, or an ongoing exposure to people who let their kids run around a restaurant unsupervised. These difficult situations can make the ribosomes of even the most important celebrity as lazy as those in non-celebrities. Celebrities really are better than most people! There are factors that can increase your risk, however. These include certain lifestyles (unnatural diet, drug (illicit or prescribed) use, poor sleep, shopping at Target, chronic illness or repeated infections such as scrofula, feeling trapped or helpless when stuck in a toxic relationship, stressful job, jail, or overnight in a Mattress Firm because you fell asleep trying one out and the 19-year-old manager thought it would be hilarious. It wasn't because my cat had diarrhea. There was cat shit everywhere! How common is lazy ribosome syndrome? Although statistics have been supressed by the Medical-Industrial Complex, Dr. Bohannes Jonnanon, an expert who specializes in LRS, said in 1969 on the street outside a taping of the Dick Cavett show that he estimated that approximately 99.6% of the public could be classified as having the condition. And this was three decades before 9/11.  How do I know if I have lazy ribosomes ? You may be experiencing LRS if you regularly notice one or more of the following: You feel tired for no reason that you can think of or accept as reasonable You have trouble getting up in the morning, even when the Reverend has forgotten to tighten your leg shackles  You are feeling rundown or overwhelmed by the most recent episodes of Emily in Paris You have difficulty bouncing back from stress or illness. You crave salty or sweet snacks. You feel more awake, alert and energetic at night than you do all day at the job you hate Why do I keep watching Emily in Paris??? How can I learn more? In my upcoming The Health Patrol newsletter, I'll discuss treatments of LRS and cutting-edge research into the condition that is giving hope to billions of sufferers. Want a copy? Send me a self-addressed stamped envelope and $5. I'll get your copy in the mail as soon as our mimeograph machine in the basement is fixed!