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Mar-a-Lago - As the 2024 campaign for United States president enters the final stretch, former president Trump is promising to waive all taxes for loyal supporters of his campaign. Trump, shown here pointing to the back of the room before asking the audience if they can also see the old woman that has been slowly following him wherever he goes "There is nothing more un-American than paying taxes," Trump explained during a recent town hall event held in one front of his campaign staff and select January 6th participant spouses in one of the auxiliary storage sheds at Mar-a-Lago. "When I win, why should my patriotic supporters have to pay taxes? Like this very attractive woman right here standing next to Jared with the face and the body, she's a big fan folks, and the Democrat party is the pure evil, just pure evil, but the big beautiful tariffs, we love tariffs but she's a stupid person. Kamala. Ka-ma-la. She can't even say her own name right." A Trump-Vance campaign spokesperson later issued a clarification. According to the campaign, simply being a Trump supporter would not be enough to do away with a citizen's obligation to pay taxes. "They would need to provide notarized proof that they actually cast their vote for President Trump. And yes, he is very serious about this. It is going to happen."

Norwich, VT - As the specter of Halloween draws ever closer, and parents all over the United States are bracing themselves for the potential loss of one or more children to fentanyl exposure while trick-or-treating, one woman is determined to keep the body count to a minimum in her small Vermont town. Halloween savior Linda Cook, shown here defiant in the face of a potential onslaught of fentanyl coated Halloween candy and right before masturbating to an episode of The Hallmark Channel's When Calls the Heart "I'm not going to let even one child in my town suffer and die because those greedy drug dealers want to give their drugs away for free this Halloween," Norwich Women's Club 2020 Citizen of the Year Linda Cook explained. "That's why instead of my usual raisins and toothbrushes, I'm handing out Narcan nasal spray." Norwich children may not be impressed by receiving a competitive mu-opioid receptor antagonist instead of a handful of their favorite fun-sized candies, but this lifesaving treat might be the only thing that stands between them and a drug dealer's deadly fentanyl-laced trick. According to police toxicologist Mort Fishman of the Miami Police Department's Halloween Threat Assessment and Response Task Force, parents need to be extra cautious this year. "Whether it's bringing your child's Halloween haul down to the station to have it tested for fentanyl by one of our highly trained detection dogs, or to the nearest emergency department to have it scanned for razor blades, there is nothing too extreme when it comes to protecting your child. Last year there were no children killed by free drugs in their candy, which makes me very nervous because that just means we're due for pile of 'em this year."

Austin, TX - The Texas Office of Travel and Tourism (TOTT) has announced a new campaign aimed at promoting the state as a welcoming and safe place for most people. The "Texas, for a Lot of Us" campaign celebrates the somewhat diverse and inclusive nature of the state, with just a few simple exceptions like pregnant women, transgender children, legal immigrants and asylum seekers, the liberal media, and people with compassion and empathy, by featuring members from a variety of some communities in advertisements that will be positioned on highway billboards across the south and promoted on social media. Governor Abbott, shown here pointing out a woman in the audience who looks perfect for the breeding program that he has been working on for the past few years "At a time when other states, and you know which ones I'm talking about, are misguidedly focusing on what separates us, we are focusing on what unites us," Governor Gregg Abbott explained. "And in Texas we are united, for the most part, on being the kind of place where a lot of people can live, raise a normal family, visit legally, or build a business that doesn't support alternative lifestyles or put pretend genitals on birthday cakes." "We couldn't be more excited to see the roll out of this campaign to promote Texas as a year-round destination for a many people and an inclusive place for members of several communities," Lt Governor Dan Patrick revealed. "Honestly, I can hardly even think of that many different types of people that wouldn't fit right in here in Texas. Gosh, I guess if you put a gun to my head I could maybe think of a few groups, but most people are gonna be happy as a hog in mud to settle down here in the Lone Star State. And if you know any with good birthing hips, well they get priority." The "Texas, for a Lot of Us" campaign will include a variety of couples, even a few where one of them isn't white, photographed in locations throughout the state and featured on billboards that will run throughout the South. According to Governor Abbott, the tourism industry plays an important role in the state's economic health and prosperity. "This campaign encourages tourism throughout the state, reminding a decent percentage of people that they are welcome here. It's really all about loving where you live, where you visit, and who you travel with. That's what makes Texas special."

Boulder, CO - In a shocking revelation, the 7-year-old director of last year's celebrated documentary, Babies: Nature's Mystery Solved , has admitted to fabricating much of the evidence used in support of the film's primary claim. Mort Fishman, MD, an expert in spontaneous human materialization near Harvard, claims that his research was misrepresented in the Babies: Nature's Mystery Solved documentary "I made it up," Helmut Clump explained in an interview held during recess near the four square court earlier this week. "I made it all up, and I'm sorry. I don't know where babies come from. Nobody does." The film examines the many theories developed over the past few thousand years to explain the sudden appearance of infant humans, from spontaneous human materialization to the efforts of a worldwide conspiracy involving large birds. According to Clump, his work presents stories from the perspectives of older brothers and sisters who have been directly affected by a new arrival, as well as input from a variety of scientific experts. "It wasn't all scripted! Those kids were real and that was raw emotion. But the experts, the scientists, those were either paid actors or the interviews were edited beyond recognition." The question of where babies come from has a long and complicated history. During the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic, when many businesses were shut down, there was a significant decrease in the number of new babies across the United States. Though Clump relied on phony expert testimony and falsified data in his documentary, he believes that this decrease was not a coincidence and stands by the ultimate conclusion of his film that babies originate outside the home, perhaps in some kind of science lab or production facility. "Where did all the babies go," he wondered. "Maybe those facilities were shut down too. I know I'm on to something, something big, and I wanted people to listen. But I shouldn't have let my emotions get the better of me. I should have been more comfortable with the uncertainty in all of this."

Mar-a-Lago - Election day is here, and as votes for the next president of the United States are being cast and counted some experts are weighing in on Donald Trump's next move should he win or lose. Trump, shown here pointing at the sky and saying "Hey, is that a UFO?" to distract a Secret Service agent from a loud shart "I think we all know what happens if Trump wins the election," Paula White, president of Paula White Ministries and Trump's spiritual advisor, explained. "God's chosen will lead us to glory after just a bit of societal upheaval from a brief economic collapse. And if he loses, then I have some serious thinking to do. I would be forced to question every..no, I'm just playin'. Only way he loses is if they cheated, because even God has no power over election fraud." Could Trump be raptured, as some people are claiming, in the event of an election loss? According to one anonymous campaign insider, there is a decent chance that he could be suddenly called up to Heaven. "So many people mention the Rapture. That beautiful but simple word -- Rapture. 'Sir, the Rapture.' You don't think of it that way but that's what they mention more than anything -- 'the Rapture.' And people are saying that I've done, I mean that Trump, who is me, has done more for God than any other president. And Trump is definitely going to rise up into the sky if it isn't looking good, maybe from God or in an airplane, and disappear somewhere. And it could be Heaven or a kind of Heaven, like Venezuela."

Montpelier, VT - As millions of Americans begin the difficult process of coming to terms with the results of the presidential election, with some fearing the worst for the country, one voice is cutting through the grief and anger with needed words of reassurance. Bartram, shown here confused by how the women at work today were acting so despondent because he remembers how bad the Bush administration was and the world didn't end "I'm as upset as the next guy," Clark Bartram, a straight white cisgender male accountant from Montpelier, explained to a gathering crowd earlier today. "Like I told my two sons last night when MSNBC called Pennsylvania for Trump, just hang in there guys. Then they had nice chats with their Canadian girlfriends and went to bed." For many supporters of Kamala Harris, the Trump victory came as a complete shock given the apparent excitement and recent polling. According to Bartram, politics is often full of surprises. "Winners can be hard to predict and we lost this round, but the fight isn't over. Focus on tomorrow and don't let emotion get the better of you."

Baton Rouge, LA- Researchers at the Louisiana State University School of Veterinary Medicine recently announced the findings of a year-long study on feline health, sending shock waves throughout the veterinary community. The key finding of the report, which focused on markers of health and associated mortality rates, was that over a third of adult cats are now curious, with ten percent meeting criteria for severe curiosity. Whiskers McTango, shown here moments before dying from asphyxiation as a result of class 3 curiosity "We have known for a long time that curiosity rates, even severe (class 3) curiosity, were on the rise," lead researcher and feline neuropsychiatrist Mort Fishman explained. "But to find that in some communities, particularly rural areas with a high prevalence of small rodents and hopping insects, that nearly half of kittens are above the 95th percentile for curiosity was upsetting to say the least." Veterinarians have been seeing increasing rates of curiosity and related injuries for years, and there has been a significant movement among primary care vets to screen kittens for the condition in order to institute lifestyle modifications and even pharmaceutical interventions as early as possible. The most commonly used marker, the FCI or Feline Curiosity Index, which is a simple index of friskiness-for-volume, allows veterinarians to focus on those cats that are most at risk of complications. But there are some experts who believe that the FCI is a poor indicator of overall health, and its use is fraught with false positives. "Frankly, the FCI is bullshit," Joni Hasselhoff, a Canadian veterinarian who specializes in curiosity revealed. "It is a sloppy means of screening large populations and worthless when used on an individual basis, especially as a goal. Some cats are simply more aloof, which might raise the FCI without actually equating to higher levels of curiosity." Even when the diagnosis is clear, there is controversy regarding the management of curious and severely curious cats and kittens. Over the past few years, most veterinarians have fallen into one of two camps: Those who recommend aggressive lifestyle modification in the form of intradomicile containment and those who believe that early drug therapy is more effective in saving lives. Abbott Laboratories brought apathoperidol, marketed as CurioCure, a drug which suppresses curiosity by blocking the neurotransmitter dopamine, to the market in 2010. Still, a small but increasingly vocal third group endorse a more natural approach. So-called holistic or integrative veterinarians believe that locking a cat inside is unnecessary and that the risks of drug therapy outweigh the benefits. They recommend approaches that combine modalities such as feline massage, acupuncture, and catnip enemas in order to restore a healthy energy balance and replace unhealthy curiosity with more of an adorable inquisitiveness.

Washington, D.C. - As President-elect Trump prepares for his second term, one of the most controversial choices for a high-ranking leadership position in his administration might just be Krampus. Krampus, shown here at Mar-a-Lago after meeting with Donal Trump earlier this week, denies touching the underage children he tortures and consumes inappropriately "Krampus is a demon known for beating children with birch branches before dragging them to his lair in a large sack," Senate majority leader Chuck Schumer explained. "This is not an entity that should be allowed access to these hallowed halls. And I can promise you that we will not allow his confirmation without a fight, or at least a very strongly worded letter." For millennia, Krampus has existed within the nightmares of children all over the world, emerging on December 5th to gather up and consume any that he has deemed naughty. According to the half-goat, half-demon monster, his prior experience punishing children who don't respect their parents has prepared him for a high-level cabinet position or whatever else the President-elect has in mind. "It warms the cockles of my blackened heart just to be considered and I"m looking forward to helping in any way I can, whether it's saving Christmas from the liberals or as Attorney General. What? Would you prefer Gaetz? I may send those kids to Hell but I don't, you know, do anything...sexual with them."

Studio City, CA - In an effort to better represent the beliefs and lifestyles of its viewers, Hallmark Channel has announced that it will produce their first romantic comedy to focus on far-right conservative Trump supporters. A scene from Your Heart, My Choice where Mike and Rebecca go on a date and learn how to protect children from trans grooming kindergarten teachers "Many, if not most, of our long-time viewers are MAGA Republicans living in red states," Hallmark Media president and CEO Mike Perry explained. "Over the past few years, we have been focusing on expanding into more liberal living rooms with movies featuring characters from non-traditional backgrounds, even a couple gay ones and that black lady who solves mysteries, but it's time to reassure that core audience. Yes, all viewers matter at Hallmark Media." The movie, titled Your Heart, My Choice , will open with the January 6th tour of the U.S. Capitol in 2021. Mike and Rebecca, two patriots striving to save our country from the tyranny of a Joe Biden presidency, will have an adorable meet-cute in front of Nancy Pelosi's office but unfair circumstances will tear them apart. According to Perry, the movie will resonate with a majority of Hallmark fans. "Will a pardon from Donald Trump lead to romantic reunion? Will Mike be able to "stop the steal" of Rebecca's heart by a liberal snowflake beta male? How many brown people will Mike's deputized homegrown militia group round up for deportation? You'll just have to tune in to find out."

Cambridge, MA - Theoretical mathematicians near Harvard have announced the discovery of a new candidate for the world's biggest number. Mathematician Geraldine Grogan, shown here demonstrating a profound understanding of improbably big numbers while the intricacies of life's greatest mystery, the inner workings of the human heart, escape her grasp "It's a really, really big number," Geraldine Grogan, Chief of Math at the Dunkin' Institute for the Study of Numbers, explained. "Think of the biggest number you know. Hold it in your mind. Got it? This one is bigger. A lot bigger." Grogan, a mathematician who fell in love with big numbers as a young child when she first learned about eleven, is used to skepticism when it comes to communicating the science behind them to the public. "I wish I had a microBitcoin for every time someone asked me why I don't just add one to the biggest number to get a new biggest number. But it's just not that simple!" Discovering new and bigger numbers has become increasingly difficult over the past few decades, with announcements like this now coming every few years rather than several each day. Abacus Wilmore, a math historian who has written about numbers since the early 1970s, remembers a time when big number researchers were treated like rock stars. "You had five or six new big ones a day back then, and people just went nuts over it. Then the numbers started drying up and people got competitive. It got ugly. And the cocaine didn't help." The addition of a new biggest number to our understanding of the natural world is unlikely to have a noticeable impact on the day-to-day lives of most people. Grogan, who is the granddaughter of James Grogan, the first person to spell "boobies" using an upside down calculator, says that practical applications are not the point of big numbers. "What is the practical application of a beautiful painting or a poem? Big numbers add beauty to our lives and they subtract suffering. Did you see what I did there?"

Miami, FL - Experts from the Miami Police Department's Sleep Victims Unit (SVU) have issued a warning to the public over the dangers of improperly handling tryptophan during the preparation and consumption of turkey this holiday season. Miami tryptophan victim Paula Myrtleson, shown here finishing a second bottle of wine before polishing off an entire turkey, would go on to sleep through a full season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix "Everybody loves to have turkey served at these special occasion meals," Police somnologist and SVU Chief Mort Fishman, MD, explained. "But if you don't take the right precautions, you are going to be passed out on the couch before granny serves her famous sweet potato pie and Uncle Steve starts complaining about immigrants again." Tryptophan is an amino acid. Though not as well-known as the bananamino and obamamino acids, amino acids function as building blocks in the formation of proteins required for a variety of important life-sustaining processes like enzyme activity, immune responses, metabolism, and watching television. Tryptophan serves an important role in cell membranes and is a biochemical precursor for melatonin, a powerful sedative found in a number of over-the-counter herbal remedies and health supplements. The Miami Police Department's SVU was established last year when Dr. Fishman got really tired after eating six Swanson's individual turkey pot pies on an overnight stakeout. According to Fishman, he didn't want others to suffer the same fate. "I didn't wear gloves or even use a fork, I just held them in my hands and the contaminated sauce got everywhere. I'm urging anyone who comes into contact with tryptophan, even if only a small amount splatters on their skin, to bring the pot pie, or whatever the source happens to be, directly to our lab for safe analysis and disposal."

Philadelphia, PA- Chaos broke out today at the studios of WHYY-FM in Philadelphia when a caller refused to turn down his radio resulting in a tear in the very fabric of space and time, and the death or disappearance of hundreds of studio employees. Fresh Air host Terry Gross, shown here mere seconds before evaporating into quantum foam, possibly because of the appearance of a strangelet in her recording studio “I don’t know what the heck happened over there”, Rick from Tuscon explained. “One minute I’m asking that guy from Ted Lasso where he got his motivation from and then suddenly all hell is breaking loose.” Scientists are scrambling to piece together what may have happened, and are thus far baffled as to why many of the people working at WHYY-FM that day are now dead or missing without a trace. Theoretical physicist Michio Kaku of the City University of New York believes that there are a number of possible explanations. “The infinite feedback loop caused by the callers radio may have somehow elevated the harmonics of the missing individuals, carrying them fully, or perhaps only partially, into a higher dimension. Also this may just be a big coincidence and a black hole simply formed in the middle of the building. This isn't an exact science.” Maggi Leyden, Executive director of Donor Relations at WHYY-FM and one of the few survivors of the horrific event, remains hopeful about the future of public radio. “I can’t say that I’ll ever truly get over seeing Dave Davies being ripped in half at the waist, but I can say that now would be the perfect time for listeners out there to support their local NPR stations. Unfortunately all our tote bags are covered in liquefied interns.”