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America - It's official, at least to the literally millions of internet users posting videos of themselves taking part in the latest viral "TikTok challenge". The hottest new trend among cusper millennials, Zoomers, and elder gen alphas is slurdging. But what is it? And why is it so popular? Greer Hedgy, shown here in full crochetcore aesthetic after bedrotting for a 36 hour slurdge sesh "It's so stupid," 17-year-old slurdger Greer Hedgy explained. "I read about it in some old book I found in the library basement at school. It's so dumb I can't wait to do it again. I love it!" Dr. Fishman, shown here with the clipboard used by Fishman men in a direct line for nearly a thousand years and which many believe grants him true understanding of the adolescent mind Slurdging, an ancient practice first described in Sanskrit on a 1st century BCE teen stone tablet, has taken TikTok by storm over the past week with over 10 billion hours of video posted since Timothée Chalamet was caught doing it in an Arby's bathroom. Some medical experts, like certified social media physician Mort Fishman, are warning parents to be on the lookout for signs of slurdging in their teenagers and young adult children still living in their old room or crashing in the basement because their old room has the treadmill now. "Talking back. eye rolling. Sleeping in on weekends. Smartphone use at night. Not thinking that their parents are cool. It's just awful."

Bastrop, TX - As testing of the revolutionary Prufrock 4 boring machine nears completion, The Boring Company (TBC) owner and internet bad boy Elon Musk has announced plans to dig a tunnel to the center of the Earth. Musk, shown here in a direct feed from his implanted Neuralink riding in a large dinosaur's mouth 4,000 feet below the surface of the Earth with his hot girlfriend and...one of his kids? "These monster machines are over 300 feet long and can produce nearly 5 million pounds of thrust," Musk revealed during a recent livestream on X while pwning noobs in the action RPG game Path of Exile 2 . "I've faced max difficulty on hardcore so many times that there just isn't any any excitement anymore from these...children's games. That's why I want to feel the thrill of exploring where nobody has ever been before. I want to be the first to reach the center of the Earth itself!" Because of the risk inherent in travelling that deep into the planet, what with the intense heat, incredible pressure, and dinosaurs, the initial attempts to reach the center of the Earth will involve uncrewed drillships. According to Musk, crewed exploration will begin in only 4 years. "That's a promise, and Elon Musk's word is like iron, as unwavering and unbreakable as my sorcerer character's armor in Path of Exile 2 , which is made of iron.

Tampa, FL - A kindergarten in Tampa raised $3.5 million to help support Ukraine's fight against Russia by purchasing a 30,000 pound GBU-57 Massive Ordinance Penetrator (MOP) after a citywide fundraising competition. Students from runner-up Carlton Academy, shown here presenting the congratulatory plaque purchased with the $25.43 raised during the competition "Those little diaper busters just wanted to help so bad," Primrose School of South Tampa principal Garth Dingle explained. "You should see the card and all the drawings they sent along with the bomb. So adorable!" The precision-guided GBU-57 "bunker buster" bomb sent to Ukraine by the class was covered in each of the children's handprints and is capable of penetrating 200 feet into the earth before the 5,300 pounds of high explosives detonate. According to 5-year-old Cheshire Whitman, the experience was fun and educational. "Moppy will be used as a strike weapon against hard and deeply buried targets. We named her Moppy."

[The following is a paid advertisement from Globodyne Industries. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.] Are you one of the 15% of Americans intolerant to gluten, a protein inserted into wheat, rye and barley by Nazi scientists and Monsanto? Do you suffer from one of the over 55 diseases linked to this killer protein? Diseases like gluten intolerance, storchus, grimp, and mad cat disease? Have you been ostracized in your community, abandoned by friends and family, or fired from your job because of brain fog or adrenal fatigue?  Do you sometimes feel off balance or dizzy? Do you have occasional headaches or multiple sclerosis? Have you been diagnosed with dental pruritis, piloalgia, or fecal luminescence? Have you eliminated gluten from your diet without improvement in your symptoms? Are there environmental sources of gluten other than your diet? A 2001 study found that standard house cats contain as much gluten as a loaf of french bread! The answer is yes! Eliminating gluten entirely from the diet is crucial in combating gluten intolerance, but did you know that some house cats are also a source of gluten? Thankfully, researchers at Globodyne Industries have developed a process which removes all traces of the deadly protein from your feline companion. But how do you know if your cat contains gluten? The single best way to determine if your cat is a gluten carrier is to cut all ties with the animal for at least 2-3 weeks and then slowly reintroduce it into the home. After this washout period, simply release your cat from its patented Globodyne Feline Gluten Containment Unit for gradually increasing lengths of time over several months to a year. Do not forget to feed your cat and provide fresh gluten-free water.  Keep a detailed dream journal in order to scientifically determine if you felt better while your cat was contained, and if symptoms returned after its release. Remember, in order for this test to work you must achieve complete separation from the animal. Not even eye contact is allowed because gluten was discovered in 2011 to have evolved into a collective intelligence formed by the action of millions of decentralized self-organizing individual proteins, and they know when you look at them.  The Globodyne Feline Gluten Containment Unit works using reverse ionic vibrational equilibrium and a fluffy ball on the end of a string Still not convinced?   In 1998, 5-year-old Timmy Sweetchild died from a severe case of electromagnetic hypersensitivity after exposure to massive levels of Wi-Fi emitted by Scamps, the family's Havanese puppy. Globodyne already had a canine Wi-Fi eliminator on the market but Mr. and Mrs. Sweetchild chose to ignore our warnings. Are you prepared to let your loved ones die? Scamps, shown here adorably flirting with the camera and mere moments before being put down for emitting lethal amounts of Wi-Fi

Davenport, IA - Since its discovery when one of humanity's primitive ape ancestors cured a case of adrenal fatigue by dropping a medium-sized rock on a patient's sixth thoracic vertebra, chiropractic has been a powerful path to both improved lower back pain and total body wellness. Though initially suppressed by mainstream medical zealots, chiropractic care thrived in the shadows, back alleys, and suburban strip malls for millennia until emerging as a respected healthcare discipline a little over 100 years ago. And in the past century it has grown and evolved with the development of a variety of philosophies and treatment approaches. Recently, however, the field has largely consolidated into two distinct camps: activators and inactivators. While the two groups share a focus on spinal health and the restoration of function in order to treat a variety of musculoskeletal complaints and general health concerns, there are significant differences between the two approaches, with both claiming superiority. This schism highlights the complexity of chiropractic history and practice, and raises questions about the future of the profession. The International Council of Chiropractic Elders, shown here moderating a debate between activators and inactivators on the benefit of chiropractic in patients with end stage text neck Understanding the Dispute The difference between the two groups involves the approach to correcting the chiropractic submixation. Though it remains a controversial clinical entity often labelled as "fictional" or "really stupid" by conventional medical doctors, it is widely accepted as a primary source of spinal dysregulation by chiropractors, insurance companies, and Cleveland Clinic for some reason. According to Frank Grimes, DC, a Level VII chiropractor who practices activation chiropractic in Belvidere, Nebraska, the submixation is an evidence-based construct: A submixation is a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological spinal derangements that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system function and general health. They definitely exist. I've seen them. Submixations can occur anywhere along the entirety of the spine and effect people of all ages, even during prenatal development in the mother's womb or in one of those secret artificial placentas used to create Timothée Chalamet. Studies performed near Harvard have confirmed that you can develop a life-threatening spinal submixation at any time, even just sitting there reading this article. And left untreated, it could result in morning neck stiffness or even death at some point in the next few decades. Activation-based chiropractors, known as "activators" or "pushers", believe that the spine is underperforming because of one or more submixations. They rely on the use of a handheld spring-loaded device known as an activator. This device allows a trained professional like Dr. Grimes to apply a precise amount of force to an individual vertebral body, pushing it back into position and restoring the flow of energy, or "spine power". This low force but extremely clinically impressive adjustment corrects submixations without causing injury to any surrounding tissues or scaring parents of small children. A chiropractic activator, shown here restoring a sense of purpose in life to a 2-week-old infant with splenic ennui Grimes compares the force of an activator, even on the maximum setting, to something that you are probably very familiar with unless you live in one of those food deserts that those liberal public health experts are always going on about: Just take a tomato. Any tomato or soft fruit that you have lying around your house or condo will work for this. Yes, I suppose an avocado is okay, just not a coconut. You don't have an avocado, you just have a coconut? Then why did you ask about avocados? Fine, take mine. Now check it for ripeness. That's how much pressure the activator places on your spine. On the other side of the ideological divide are the inactivation-based chiropractors, also know as "inactivators" or "suckers". Rather than a belief that the body is suffering from too little spine power, they focus on reigning in a hyperactive spine that is overwhelming the nervous system. The nervous system plays a role in every aspect of your health according to Grimes: Pick three different things that your body does. Okay, so you are choosing running, jumping, and exercise. Those are really all the same thing. I'm not yelling. Fine, let's go with exercise, digestion, and thinking. All three activities require a functional nervous system. Instead of using an activator to gently shove bones of the spine back into the correct position, suckers use an inactivator to apply negative pressure that pulls them into alignment. This regulates spine power that has gone haywire and brings it back into the normal range. The inactivator, like the activator, allows power and precision without being scary or making babies cry, although sometimes that happens coincidentally during a treatment. Implications for Patient Care This split in the chiropractic profession has significant implications for patient care. Because proponents of both activation and inactivation believe that their approach is more effective, this has resulted in confusion for patients simply seeking immediate and tangible benefits. Some, like Amanda Squatch, a disseminated storchus sufferer and certified yarn winder working at the JoAnn Fabrics in Belvidere, feel caught in the middle. All I want is an evidence-based practice that provides comprehensive care for all my healthcare concerns. This kind of squabbling among chiropractors is starting to make me question if they are the legitimate medical providers that they claim to be in this pamphlet I picked up in the YMCA lobby. The InstaSuck 3000X 5th generation inactivator, shown here powered down in order to reduce risk of accidental injury The Role of Research and Evidence An important element of the ongoing disagreement is the role of scientific research and clinical evidence. Activators and inactivators both rely heavily on anecdotal evidence and historical practices to support their methods, because people are complex and it is very difficulty to account for the numerous variables, like spine frequency or the ratio of brain density to personal commitment to seeing positive results, that can impact treatment outcomes. But both groups are striving to lean more on data from case reports and pragmatic clinical trials to support their practice. In the meantime, patients are forced to rely on choosing a chiropractor based on their TikTok follower counts. Conclusion: An Uncertain but Hopeful Future for Chiropractic The debate between these two influential groups of chiropractors is unlikely to be resolved anytime soon. As the field evolves, it remains essential for both activators and inactivators to engage in open dialogue, prioritize patient care, and push for advancements in research. While disagreements will likely continue for the foreseeable future, the ultimate goal of the profession should always be the well-being of patients. In a rapidly changing healthcare landscape, embracing a variety of methodologies could be the key to shaping a more effective and unified chiropractic future. Perhaps combining the two approaches into one which both pushes and sucks on a vertebra-by-vertebra basis is the inevitable ultimate evolutionary form of chiropractic. With continued discourse and collaboration, the profession can honor its roots while evolving to meet the needs of modern patients.

Dallas, TX - As the economy continues to struggle in the wake of the pandemic, the company behind one of the most popular sour cream brands in the United States has issued new guidelines on appropriate portion sizes that take all socioeconomic status levels into account. Potato skins, shown here with a single ribbon of sour cream in a new ad campaign that will target homeless encampments and slums in several US cities "Our customers deserve precise serving guidelines that fit a variety of food budgets," Daisy Brand, LLC CEO David Sokolsky explained. "People are making extreme sacrifices to put delicious and wholesome condiments on the table, and frankly our focus on the dollop just isn't inclusive enough. We listened and we recognize our privilege. Daisy sour cream is for everyone, not just the 1%." For decades, Daisy Brand has recommended a full dollop when adding their sour cream to foods to improve the flavor and consistency. Some experts, like food scientist Deiter Goosens, have been outspoken critics of this approach. "This update is long overdue because there should be no shame when it comes to feeding your family. What even is a dollop? Some believe it to be roughly equivalent to a rounded spoonful, but whose spoon? The wealthy white man's? And who decided that a ribbon, a smidge, or even a nurdle or two isn't a perfectly acceptable amount of sour cream?"

Tampa, FL - Experts in astronomy at the University College of South Tampa are warning government leaders to think twice before passing laws requiring social distancing as a public health measure amidst growing concerns of a possible bird flue pandemic. A registered independent artist's rendering of the Earth being ripped apart by a nearby black hole formed because of a transgender character in a Pixar movie or a transgender character in a Daily Wire sitcom "The Earth has become accommodated to human clumping over the past few thousand years," Conservative astronomer Dr. Harry Glubman, PhD explained during a recent panel discussion with a select group of Republican legislators and members of the DeSantis administration. "If everyone stood 6 feet apart again, the planet could tumble out of its orbit and kill us all." Not every member of the highly partisan astronomical community has been receptive to Glubman's recommendation to avoid social distancing. According to far left astronomer Dr. Leela Farnsworth, PhD, the dangers of standing too close together on a global scale might far outweigh those of keeping our distance. "Glubman is a fool. My models predict that excessive human clumping could increase the Earth's spin to such a degree that we would all be flung into open space."

Psychic Predictions for the Year 2025 by Brabara Bloodstone World famous psychic and host of E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone, shown here telling her sister to sell all that useless Apple stock in 1981 That's right, folks. 2024 is dead and in the ground, much like the subject of the Christmas episode of Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker. And just like how I helped Mickey Rooney land a date with Maggie Smith, I'm here to help the world prepare for the coming year. Remember when women got the vote? Me too! And while I didn't predict the exact year that it would happen, I did foresee that more women would be wearing pants in 1965. That one got me a guest spot on Alfred Hitchcock's short-lived daytime call-in show Dial C for Conversation . But it hasn't been all sunshine, steak dinners, and champagne punch in the green room. Predicting the future is as much a curse as it is a blessing. For example, I always know which family member or friend is calling when the phone rings, but the ability to tell them when and how they are going to die means that I don't get very many calls. I'm not a monster! If it's going to be soon or extremely painful, I just change the subject to the importance of having a will to determine how their estate will be handled. I take these yearly predictions very seriously. In order to avoid distractions, I dig a burrow several feet underground and nestle into a large pile of damp leaves for several weeks. Not only do I see a clear image of future events, I lose most of the body fat I built up over the year gorging on pot pies and heavy cream. Fasting allows me to focus on intercepting astral projections from my future self and I highly recommend it, especially to young girls who are worried about their body image. Am I always correct when I make a prediction? Of course not! Even the best surgeon sometimes takes out the wrong organ from the right person or the right organ from the wrong person. When it comes to peering through the mist of time, the journey is often more important than the destination. Like in 2006 when I predicted that television sets would get smaller and smaller while phones would steadily increase in size. What matters is that we all continue to rely on technology, and it was revealed to me by the eternal consciousness of a Martian priestess named Levis'yona S'etan. Here are my top predictions for 2025: The popular short-form video hosting service TikTok will be shut down and replaced by people sending handwritten letters through the mail. The letters will describe what the sender was doing and may even involve crudely drawn representations of the events. Timothée Chalamet will help the service skyrocket in popularity when he announces that he also uses it to pay bills. Miami Police Department Corporal Chad Blaze will be resurrected after accidentally coming into possible contact with the dangerous drug fentanyl during a routine welfare check at the home of a local autistic man. A new religion will form around Blaze, renamed "The Chosen One", and a thousand-year reign of peace and prosperity will begin for everyone except for the autistic man, who was shot to death in his home by police for resisting their help. You thought the last pandemic was bad? Hah! What's coming in 2025 will make COVID-19 seem as scary as a box of kittens, which is ironic because it's going to be a mutated form of cat herpes. Politics will be huge in 2025, with some people being satisfied with how things are going in Washington and others very upset. Regardless, we will all come together as a country when the first of several kaiju attacks destroys Kansas City. Missouri not Kansas. The good one. As the economy continues to recover from the pandemic, more Americans will be spending money on expensive luxuries like anything imported from Mexico or Canada, diphtheria antitoxin, and South American vacations/abortion tourism.

Manhasset, NY - With Christmas in the books and New Year's right around the corner, analysts are predicting a lull in the long-running War on Christmas that has raged between people pushing a secular agenda in America, mostly made up of atheists and communists living in woke 15-minute coastal cities, and upstanding Christian citizens. General Maynard Tubbs, 17 confirmed kills in the Starbucks Cup offensive of 2015, shown here in a picture above this caption Over the many years since the fighting began, January has been a time of regrouping and of rethinking strategies. Civilians across the United States take advantage of the temporary ceasefire to shop at businesses such as Walmart and JoAnn Fabrics without fear of being gunned down for uttering the wrong holiday greeting at passersby. And these same businesses are able to emerge from under the grim shadow of open and deadly warfare, no longer at risk of being bombed for selling Christmas Trees as opposed to Holiday Firs. "I for one was very pleased to hear the latest numbers," Fox News host Harris Faulkner explained. "Daily casualties are already down by almost 50% since December 25th, which typically is the bloodiest day of the year on the front lines. I certainly don't want more people to lose their lives than is absolutely necessary in this conflict, but it doesn't change the fact that if the secular commandos gain the upper hand and force religion out of our government buildings, public schools, and national parks, it is only a matter of time before proponents of the legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay dog weddings, trans birthday parties, and non-missionary position sexual intercourse overtake this once great Christian nation." General Maynard Tubbs, leader of the secular military force's eastern division is looking forward to a lengthy pause in combat maneuvers. "Yeah, a lot of us have jobs that we have to get back to. But look for things to start back up around Thanksgiving. And I can't say too much right now, because it is all very hush hush, but let's just say that Operation Grinch is going to put an end to all of this unpleasantness."

Atlanta, GA - Child safety experts at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta are urging parents to check their child's wrapped gifts for hidden dangers this Holiday season. This mogwai, which was discovered in a Christmas present in 2019, is capable of producing enough gremlins to kill the entire population of San Francisco. "Every Halloween, parents are warned to watch out for razor blades, needles, and marijuana edibles in the treats that their children bring home," CDC Director Mandy Cohen explained. "We want them to understand that the same level of risk that exists in Halloween candy can also be found in wrapped gifts that young children are potentially exposed to. Last year a kid in Lubbock opened a present from her uncle and it was just a brick of pure fentanyl." In an effort to tackle this largely unappreciated but very real problem, the CDC created an awareness campaign that began the day after Thanksgiving. According to Dr. Cohen, parents and other caregivers should be on the lookout for a wider variety of potentially harmful contents than what might be found in Halloween candy, and they should focus on more than just Christmas presents. "Frankly we are concerned whenever a child is opening a wrapped gift. This includes birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and also Quinceañeras." CDC Safety Tips for Checking Wrapped Gifts -Wait until children are home to check and open presents. -Don't rely on the shake test as no high quality randomized controlled trials have been performed proving that it effectively rules out the presence of a witch's curse. -A responsible adult should closely examine all wrapped gifts and exercise caution with any of the following: Wrapping paper with Satanic symbols, marijuana leaves, ancient runes, or "January 6th was an FBI black op!" on it. Tiny holes in the present that may represent air holes necessary to keep a mogwai or other dangerous animal alive during shipping.  Scratching noises, growling, or angry yelling of obscenities coming from inside the box. A steady ticking noise or an audible countdown.  Unusual odor or leaking of any glowing, radioactive green goo that dissolves whatever it comes into contact with. -Tell children not to accept -- and, especially, not to open -- any gift that wasn't wrapped at a government approved gift wrapping booth or kiosk. -When in doubt, throw any ticking gifts out a door or window and call your local bomb squad immediately. -Parents of young children should unwrap all gifts ahead of time in order to check for hazardous contents, and then just re-wrap them. -Try to apportion gifts over several days in order to reduce the likelihood of dangerous combinations of contents, such as opening up a box containing a hungry cougar at the same time that someone unwraps a package full of raw steaks. -Although giving wrapped gifts is encouraged, make sure anything that can cause large numbers of casualties is given only to those of an appropriate age and temperament.

Editorial by Sumu-la-El Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something? Before it became so commercialized? Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants? You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos. I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the heavens, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to our barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear. But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the Babylonian Civil Liberties Union down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the Earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Los Gatos, CA - After the surprising success of Hot Frosty , the 2024 Christmas romantic comedy about a magical and heavily muscled snowman who comes to life and finds love with a lonely widow, Netflix has announced that it will again partner with Muse Entertainment on production of Hot Frosty 2: Sexy Krampus . Sexy Krampus, shown here after learning that Kathy is having second thoughts about performing the snowpeople's ritual of bonding with Jack "We knew that the original movie was something special," Netflix, Inc. executive chairman Reed Hastings explained. "But we never expected it to become this year's Barbie . It took about two seconds to agree to a sequel!" The follow-up to Hot Frosty will again be written by Russell Hainline and directed by Jerry Ciccoritti, and will be set several years after the original. According to Hastings, Kathy and Jack are back, with their half-human, half-snowman son Jack Jr., and they are searching for the lost tribe of the snowpeople deep in the Bavarian Alps. "That's where they meet Krampus and things really start to heat up because he's just as hot as Frosty. Maybe even hotter!"