Sedona, AZ - Researchers at Vortex BioNutraceuticals (formerly the Scientific Institute for Superfood Science) in Sedona have announced the discovery of a new generation of highly evolved superfoods that some experts are claiming will revolutionize health and wellness. Elmena Hubbard, shown here eating one of the newly discovered superfoods and just prior to registering for her first ultramarathon "These are superfoods on bioidentical steroids," Vortex BioNutraceuticals (VBN) spokesperson Leap Chantilly explained. "Our team of experts has unlocked the true secret of these nutritional powerhouses, each of which is virtually overflowing with minerals, antioxidants, and epigenetic microbiomes." Despite the glowing reports from the team at VBN, not all experts in the field of extremely potent foods are convinced of their accuracy. According to Nestor Cloverbean from the Online Food Institute near Harvard , these early results could be misleading. "Calling them superfoods could confuse the public. It's more appropriate to think of them as extreme double superfoods or even ultrafoods considering just how much raw nutrition is packed into every single bite."

Geneva, Switzerland - Top chiropractic particle physicists working at the European Organization for Nuclear Research in Geneva have announced the successful creation of a subluxon, the subatomic building block of the chiropractic subluxation, for the first time since their discovery in 2015. Actor Morgan Freeman, shown here preparing to reprise the role of Jasper St. Benjamin, a particle physicist who develops strange powers and learns to love again, in Particle Man 2: Quantum Entanglement "This is a huge step forward in our quest to fully understand the subluxation," chiropractor and 9th level particle physicist Frank Grimes explained. "In 2015, we indirectly detected subluxons during experiments using the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). Now we can create them artificially, but they decay almost as soon as they form. The next step is achieving an island of stability so that they can be properly studied." Published this week in Online Publishing Module # 17,804 - Chiropractic Particle Physics and Gluten-Free Cake Recipes , the process that resulted in the creation of the mysterious particle took several years to develop and refine. According to Grimes, the team used a proprietary method developed during a weekend conference at the airport Howard Johnson in Newark. "I really wish I could tell you all about it, I really do. Because it's pretty cool. You definitely don't learn this kind of advanced science in medical school." Standing on the farthest edge of humanity's ability to grasp the complexity of the natural world, often fighting against an entrenched prejudice from the medical community, which is just jealous, is something that chiropractors are accustomed to. They know that they are working under a spotlight. Grimes, however, isn't in the business of offering false hope. "Sure, I hope all my experiments at the LHC work out. That's important to me and it's important to my patients. But physics doesn't care about my feelings." The ability to experimentally create stable subluxons could have myriad benefits for human health, including earlier detection of subluxations and improved therapies. Grimes has theorized that spinal adjustments at the subatomic level could result in a more stable spine and a fully optimized nervous system. "What if we could predict the occurrence of a subluxation before it caused lower back pain, headaches, asthma, or the occasional extra chromosome 13 and prevent the damage from ever occurring, maybe with a quantum activator or just a good thump to the spine with my fist? That would definitely win me a Palmy or two. Oh, those are like our Nobel prize." Dr. Grimes is currently offering a Fall Into Health! package through the end of November that includes a subluxons level along with x-rays and a full body grab 'n yank for only $59. He'll even knock 10% off his Maintenance Madness! package if you sign up for at least 6 months!

Tampa, FL - In an effort to be funny, and not because of a lack of true friends and a deep feeling of loneliness and existential angst as he enters middle age, Tampa resident Steve Boston ironically attempted to forge a human connection with a fellow gym-goer earlier today. Steve Boston, shown here not distracting himself from thoughts of dying alone, and looking forward to coming back to the gym tomorrow, on his birthday, because the girl at the front will see that on the computer and say something nice to him "Did you guys see that," Boston asked. "I totally trolled that guy that gave me a spot on bench press by asking if he wanted to hang out or maybe go grab a beer sometime. No homo. That was hilarious, right? I totally don't even care that he said he was busy." Boston, who moved to the Tampa area from Phoenix after a divorce in 2019, works full time as an electrician and lives in a studio apartment in Seminole Heights. According to the three-time Trump voter and Yellowstone fan, the gym is a great place to get some exercise and to just have fun. "I'm one of those people that doesn't need friends or even anyone to talk to. You sure won't see me crying during that part of A League of Their Own , at the end, when they all get back together and find out who died. So do you have another assignment, or are you done for the day?"

Emeryville, CA - Fans of the award-winning Pumpkids movies, reeling from news that the third and final installment of the planned Pumpkids trilogy has been postponed for undisclosed reasons, now have something to be excited about: a live-action prequel set to be released next October. Dame Judi Dench, sister of live-action Pumpkids prequel star Trudi, shown here playing a corrupt vice-president of Consolidated Companies in 9 to 5 2: Now They're All British! . "A lot of people have expressed interest in Lady Grumpkin's journey from a young patchling in a family of lesser nobles all the way to the throne of Pumpkinland," Pixar CEO and president Jim Morris explained. "Given what we know about the history of Pumpkinland, her rise to power almost certainly involved a mysterious prophecy, a bloody uprising, a lesbian subplot, and maybe even a dragon or two." The movie, titled The Pumpkids Prequel: Intimate Encounters , will be set several decades before the events of The Pumpkids Movie: Rise of the PumpKing and it's sequel, The Pumpkids Movie 2: The Patch of Destiny , is Pixar's first live-action film and will contain a number of sexually explicit scenes that push the boundaries of what is acceptable in a show based on a series of children's books. According to human writer Noel Freeman, the studio had to make some hard choices during the early stages of pre-production. "We didn't feel that Jobby, our AI content creation program named after Steve Jobs, was the right fit for this project. It kept making all the characters racist. And I mean extremely racist. Even the heroes. Like, I think it's almost as if, and I'm not 100% confident here, but it's like maybe Jobby is racist." "The decision to go for and even embrace an x-rating for the live-action prequel was controversial among Pixar leadership," Freeman revealed. "But at the end of the day, it's what worked for this character at this moment in her life as a young pumpkin aristocrat sleeping her way to the Throne of Vines. Now I'm not going to say you shouldn't take your kids to see this move, but I am going to say that you should be prepared for some pretty tough questions on the drive home." One of the hardest decisions during pre-production came when it was time to cast the main protagonist, Lady Grumpkin herself. Morris nearly broke down in tears when sharing his experience working with the late Queen Elizabeth, who voiced the character in the first installment of the Pumpkids trilogy. "We had a choice, go with a computer generated representation based on archive footage of the Queen as a younger woman or hire a human actress. I'm not going to spoil the movie but I'm pretty sure that audiences won't hate what we ended up going with." The Pumpkids Prequel: Intimate Encounters will be in theaters next October.

Bentonville, AK - Though Thanksgiving may be only one day in the rear view mirror, many families are already thinking ahead to Christmas and are worried about putting together a festive feast that won't break the bank. Can you say...stress? From cooking to decorating to that cool uncle who won't stop talking about how amazing our President is, every step of the way is full of obstacles. You can say stress...again! A man, shown here preparing a family meal. What's that? Didn't think a man could do that? Or is it just because he's black? You are part of the problem! Check this out: Walmart has just announced the expansion of its incredibly popular Thanksgiving meal kit, and the price will literally blow your mind. Because it won't be what you expect. Surprise! It's less than $40. Kaboom! Thanks Tariffs! The amazing basket of food and food-like products will be chock full of absolutely everything you could ever possibly need for a traditional Christmas meal. And yes, there will be a thoughtful, hand-selected combination of a few elitist national brands that cater to out of touch snobs and a variety of wholesome private brands that are dedicated to people who work hard to provide for their families and who love this country. (Best of all, it will have a Butterball turkey, that costs pennies per ounce, which might be the lowest price in almost a few years.) Not only will the meal basket come fully loaded with all the essentials, but it will also feed a whopping ten people. Twenty if everyone takes one of the pre-meal non-toxic sawdust pellets that will be provided by the White House. Even better, Walmart is offering free delivery. I mean, who doesn't love having their food delivered to them. Talk about the royal treatment! Just imagine it. You, sitting on your couch watching TV, and the doorbell rings. Who is it? Walmart. And they have your food basket ready to go! Who are you, the king of France? No, because you aren't a socialist. You're an American! Don't click yet - there's more! (Whew! That was close!) Walmart has also revealed details about a super special alternative option that will also be available through Christmas. The Turducken Meal Basket ($98). It contains everything in the standard basket, but instead of a turkey you get an actual wild turducken*. For just a few more dollars, you and your family can feast on one of God's cruelest creations that was only recently genetically resurrected by Cajun scientists! *Supply is limited. Wild turduckens may be replaced without notice by a chicken with a pigeon crammed inside it, and then...let's just say a rat. They'll probably shove a rat up the pigeon's ass.

Davenport, IA - A growing number of chiropractors, historically associated with care of the spine , are specializing in teeth and looking to unseat doctors of dentistry as the go-to experts in oral health. 12,000-year-old Algerian cave painting of an early chiropractor treating a patient with tertiary grimp by correcting a subluxation of the 10th thoracic vertebra "Teeth are a lot like bones," Frank Grimes, a chiropractor who specializes in dental care, explained. "The only real difference is that they are outside the body and more easily assessed for misalignments or functional abnormalities that can be gently adjusted back into a healthy position without the need for painful and expensive interventions like braces or root canals." Chiropractors who have specialized in the treatment of teeth use a whole-mouth approach. According to Grimes, this means that he focuses on your teeth, gums, tongue, and the inside of your cheeks when diagnosing a problem and developing a treatment plan. "We get to the root cause of any mouth-related complaints, rather than simply treating symptoms. Do you see what I did? The root cause? Because teeth have roots? Just a little chiropractic dentist humor. We have a lot of fun here in the clinic." The idea that chiropractors might be suited for managing dental complaints goes as far back as the very first patient treated by the profession's founder, D.D. Palmer. Maybe even further. Chiropractic historian Frank Grimes, a chiropractor previously quoted in this article, thinks so: Though the first chiropractic treatment by Double D, which is what cool chiropractors call Palmer, occurred in 1895, there are cave paintings going back many thousands of years depicting early human chiropractors holding crude spear-like spinal adjusting devices. Those people almost certainly had teeth. That's just science. Skeptics are not going to be convinced by ancient human drawings, however. When facing a hardened denier, Grimes points to Palmer's own writings where he described the first chiropractic adjustment in a letter to childhood friend Mortimer Codswallop: Today I accidentally bumped into a guy who lives in my building. Get this. He finds me later and is all like, "I think my cold is a little better. And my teeth are a bit less rotten." Weird, right? Do you think maybe I knocked his spine back into position? This must be what God feels like! A chiropractic dentist adjusting a subluxated 2nd molar in a patient complaining of tooth hypersensitivity and occasional headaches "One thing that I think is important to let potential patients know is that we go through many hours of training to earn a certificate in dental chiropractic," Grimes revealed. "I didn't just wake up one day and decide to treat crooked teeth and stank mouth for a living. I went to several weekend seminars, passed a grueling online exam, and had to publish a case report." Chiropractic dentists recommend traditional methods of oral hygiene, like brushing, flossing, and scraping. They also place a heavy emphasis on important lifestyle factors such as active gnawing on hard, abrasive objects to scrape plaque and tartar from the teeth and gums, getting good sleep, and stress reduction. In fact, the American Chiropractic Dentist Association, in only its second year of existence, recently released its first policy statement. In the statement, they recommend that all teeth be brushed most days and polished weekly with steel wool. Dr. Grimes, shown here demonstrating a full mouth adjustment with a DentoStrap in a patient struggling with nighttime teeth grinding Many people have avoided seeing a dentist regularly out of fear of pain. Some worry that they will become confused and spit before rinsing instead of after. Dr. Grimes says that chiropractic adjustments of the teeth are extremely gentle, however, and don't require complex patient instructions. "Most of my adjustments are precise to the individual tooth and involve only the amount of pressure you might use to check a tomato for ripeness. I use a finger or a dental activator. Sometimes I need to break out the strap. Naughty patients get the strap."

Washington, D.C. - President Trump on Tuesday named the first national magnet czar in a move to focus efforts on improving our understanding of the mysterious objects as scientists around the world remain baffled and manufacturers continue to incorporate them into an ever-increasing variety of technological marvels without knowing what they are or how they work. President Trump, shown here nearly taken down by...magnets? We can't know for sure because they are so mysterious. But yes! "Now, nobody knows what a magnet is," Trump explained during a recent Oval Office press conference. "If you don't have a magnet, you don't have a car. You don't make a computer; you don't make televisions and radios and all the other things. You don't make anything." China has developed a stranglehold on magnets over the past few decades because of a natural abundance of key natural resources and the development of necessary processing and manufacturing capabilities. According to Trump, the naming of a magnet czar is only one aspect of his plan to push back against Chinese dominance. "It's a 30-year effort to monopolize a very important thing. Now, in two years, we'll have magnets, all the magnets we want. Because of tariffs, listen I called, I said you're going to play the magnet, we're going to play the tariff on you." Ever since the first magnet was discovered during an expedition deep into the Congolian rainforest by French adventurers searching for the mythical Fountain of Middle Adulthood, researchers have worked day and night on unraveling how they work. According to newly appointed magnet czar Chaz McBang, who will resign from his role as Fox News science and technology correspondent and host of the channel's late-night science and celebrity gossip program, McBang and Rotating Blond Woman , magnets an incredibly powerful tool. "One side pulls stuff to it. The other side pushes stuff away. But how? And most importantly. But why? I assume it's God, but we need to know for sure in order to fully harness the power...of magnets!" You may be wondering what will become of us if we are unable to decipher the true meaning behind magnets. I sure as Hell am! Don't worry too much, however, because Trump revealed a contingency plan that relies on the threat of mutual assured destruction should China get any big ideas. "All I know about magnets is this, give me a glass of water, let me drop it on the magnets, that's the end of the magnets."

Studio City, CA - The Hallmark Channel has announced that it will be moving forward with plans to create even more inclusive programming in 2026, with a major focus on niche societal subcultures, in order to revitalize an aging viewer base. Hallmark's Throuple Trouble , a romance about three gay witches who move to Salem to open a Halloween themed vegan bakery, will air next year around Thanksgiving I couldn't be more proud of the progress that the Hallmark Channel has made over the past several years," Jessica Tassler Noble, chief culture officer at Hallmark Media, explained. "We have increased diversity both in front of and behind the camera, and picked some low hanging fruit by introducing gay characters and more shows that feature people of color. And we will continue to strive to produce programming that all viewers can see themselves in, because everybody is welcome at Hallmark. And by everybody, I mean everybody ." Every since the series finale of the series Good Witch featured the network's first lesbian kiss in 2021, Hallmark executives have been looking for ways to increase interest in the channel among members of underrepresented groups. According to Noble, Hallmark television programming shouldn't be any different than the cards that you can find in a Hallmark store. "There are cards for the LGBTQ community, people of different ethnic backgrounds, believers in a variety of world religions, and so many more. If you can buy a bespoke birthday card for the naturist uncle in your life, wouldn't they also appreciate seeing a character practicing non-sexual social nudity on an episode of When Calls the Heart ?" In the past, Hallmark programming has been criticized for having simplistic and unrealistic plots with thinly written characters that are flat and lifeless. Some have pointed out that Hallmark characters might be conventionally attractive, but are essentially caricatures of people found living in the real world. The dialogue, sometimes described as insipid drivel, sounds as if written by people who have never had a conversation with an actual human being. Noble, who took over the position of chief cultural officer from Sabrina Wiewel in June, has made it her mission to change the minds of Hallmark haters by pushing writers to develop characters that are more complex and relatable. "When you watch a movie or an episode of a series, you want to seen someone you can identify with. That character might be caught up in an unusual situation, but if we've done our job you will imagine yourself in their shoes and perhaps even wonder how you might handle bumping into an ex-love at your hometown apple orchard or finding a murder victim in the alley behind a neighborhood hair salon." In addition to crafting more relatable characters, Hallmark plans to push the boundaries of storytelling and explore what it means to love and to be a family in an even more authentic and inclusive way. Noble believes that depth and dimension requires a story that defies common stereotypes. "We want to truly represent the human condition from every angle and shine a light into the deepest corners of society. We want to represent real lives and true lived experiences. That's what makes a compelling viewing experience." Here are a few of the upcoming Hallmark programs set to air in 2026: Home Birth Holiday - A widowed midwife who has begun to lose confidence in herself, Janice returns home to snow-covered Vermont. She soon finds a new perspective and some Christmas cheer when she meets a handsome paramedic after a baby dies during a botched home birth. Tiny House, Big Heart - Recently engaged Vivian buys a tiny house that can magically grant wishes. As Vivian and her beloved Clara begin to make a new home together, they come to realize that living with love can be just as powerful as living with less. The Eight Piercings of Hanukkah - An anonymous suitor sends body piercing optometrist Sara a different Hanukkah themed nipple clicker for each of the holiday's eight nights. While on a journey to find her secret admirer, she learns that her one true love might be someone she never expected: the Jewish guy she met at the gym in the first scene! Physician-Assisted Bromance - When Larry returns home to take care of his ailing satanist father in California, he is determined to plan the perfect Lupercalia before the physician-assisted home suicide. But Dr. Death becomes Dr. Love after they are snowed in during a powerful blizzard. Furry Fantasy - After unexpectedly moving to Alaska to run her dead aunt's bed and breakfast, an ambitious furry starts a new romance with a local brony and learns that the small town is hiding a kinky secret: they're all into it. The Quiverfull Mysteries - A Christian husband and wife spend their days homeschooling their 23 children, and their nights solving crimes in a rural Nebraska community. With a new case each week, Mr. and Mrs. Quiverfull will be forced to keep an open mind and an open womb while maintaining an accepting and obedient attitude towards the possibility of bearing children, and the possibility that one of their own kids might be the mastermind behind a series of cow murders.

Washington, D.C. - According to a new Bureau of Economic Analysis report, a controversial effort to boost sales by giving free fentanyl to children on Halloween has resulted in yet another huge financial loss for the nation's drug dealers. Actress Sydney Sweeney, shown here talking to a group of middle schoolers about forced sterilization of intellectually impaired women "If someone had told me two weeks ago that hiding fentanyl in Halloween candy for children still wouldn't be a successful marketing strategy, I would have laughed in their stupid face, but here we are...again," Fentanyl Suppliers of America (FSA) Executive VP in charge of Customer Acquisition Drawl Gunderson explained. "As a lifelong gambling addict, I know when someone is due for some good luck. And I am very, very due for some good luck." 2025 marks the third year in a row in which Gunderson's Halloween strategy has failed to provide a meaningful boost in drug sales. The beleaguered industry leader, who also played a key role in greenlighting the failed limited edition holiday fentanyl initiative , is accepting full blame. "I can't help but begin to wonder if the problem is that I lost sight of something really important. Why am I doing this? I mean, why do I work so hard? For the money? For the awards or the corner office with a view? I think at the end of the day, it's about people. This is a people business. I forgot that." The FSA, which manages the supply and marketing of fentanyl as well as several other well-known illegal drugs in the United States, has had more misses than hits in recent years when it comes to product promotion. And with the military now targeting dangerous fishing/fentanyl smuggling boats with tactical nuclear weapons, including gravity bombs, short-range missiles, artillery shells, depth charges, dolphins with bombs strapped to their fins, and torpedoes, investors are starting to worry. According to Gunderson, however, 2026 is going to be a big year. "Don't count us out just yet! I've got a few good ideas left and some big plans for next year." Knudsen's News has obtained a list of potential FSA plans for marketing drugs to American consumers: Something with Sydney Sweeney. People love her. A Superbowl ad where Charli D'Amelio offers some edibles to a group of ICE officers and undocumented farm workers in order to help ease tensions, with both groups erupting into a choreographed dance routine to a song from Dixie D'Amelio's new album. A commercial where a young black boy shares his feelings of grief and abandonment with a local drug dealer who helps him to understand that dropping acid is a way to feel connected to his recently deceased father. New Cocaine (TOP SECRET: then after a few months we switch back to Classic Cocaine!) Roll out a pink Himalayan crystal meth in some markets to appeal to New Age addicts Rebranding with a series of print and online ads where a bunch of attractive models liven up a boring pool party with FUNtanyl-laced Molly. Maybe Sydney Sweeney is there?

Columbus, OH - In a much anticipated follow-up to their 2022 study on the prevalence of haunted colons among Americans, researchers at the Paranormal Research Medical Group (PRMG) are now looking into the potential benefit of exorcism as a science-based treatment option. Study subject 271, shown here haunted by a Class V fecal phantom, experienced his first satisfying bowel movement in 6 months after undergoing sham exorcism by Dr. Sagemiller "As we showed in our previous study, haunted colons are extremely prevalent in the United States," Project Leader Bruce Sagemiller explained. "And these bowel bogies are likely to blame for a variety of intestinal ailments, like irritable bowel syndrome, chronic constipation, painful gas, and maybe even hemorrhoids." Ever since the study was first announced, there has been backlash from the mainstream medical community. According to Sagemiller, skepticism is understandable and even appreciated. "People laughed at Galileo too, and not just because he knows so many dirty limericks about Catholic priests. I'm serious. We contacted him during a seance/planning session last year." "We set out to design a skeptic-proof study," Sagemiller revealed. "That meant proper randomization and blinding. That meant having a true exorcism treatment group and one where subjects underwent a sham exorcism. People are shockingly trusting when you put on one of those priest collars. I mean, we enrolled kids in this study and parents were completely fine with this." Although the results of the study have not been released yet, the haunted colon patient community is optimistic that exorcism will be proven to work and that insurance companies will cover the intervention. Dr. Mort Fishman, a clinical borborygmologist practicing in Savannah, Georgia, says that many of his patients are desperate. "For their sake, I'm hopeful. And if I never have to deal with another innards imp or sphincter specter ever again, well that's just fine by me."

Jacksonville, FL - Fred Farmer and his wife, Aurora Farmer, have split three years after a scandal resulted in his firing from the popular online entertainment group and media production company The Do It Boys. Do It Boy Fred Farmer, shown here caught on camera at a Jacksonville aquarium "I loved being a Do It Boy, and I loved my wife," Farmer explained. "But there was something that I came to love even more that took control of me in a deep and powerful way. I'm here to talk about my new podcast, not what I did that night with those fish." The Do It Boys, now a fully independent company, started out over a decade ago at HypeList with viral videos involving ridiculous activities that often made them look and feel rather silly. According to current Do It Boy Rink Marauder, the group was known for doing a variety of things, such as moving rocks from one side of a street to another, opening window blinds at night, and wearing socks over their shoes. "It's sad seeing one of the original four Do It Boys struggling, and his wife was just a lovely person, but he crossed a line with those fish and he had to go. I wish him well in all his future endeavors."

Washington, D.C. - In an unsigned and brief opinion, the Supreme Court has lifted a federal judge's order pausing President Trump's plan to stick his tongue into an electrical socket located in the White House Executive Residence. Nina Totenberg, shown here explaining to me that the Supreme Court is made up of 9 judges with lifetime appointments, and that they aren't naked under the robes "They aren't ruling on the wisdom of any specific plans to insert his tongue into the socket," NPR legal affairs correspondent Nina Totenberg explained to me patiently over the phone. "But they make it clear that the district judge had inappropriately held Trump back from moving ahead with them. Does that make sense? Because I don't think I can dumb that down any more that than for you." Apparently not every judge on the nation's highest court was on the same page. One in particular named Ketanji Brown Jackson even went so far as to disagree with the majority opinion. According to Totenberg, the term for this is a "dissenting opinion". "Yes, that is what it is called. That's what it has always been called. Supreme Court judges often don't agree with each other."