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Laguna Beach, CA - A complete mystery for thousands of years, the underlying mechanism at the heart of astrology may now be fully understood. But what is astrology? And what is epigenetics? I predict that the answers will be revealed in this article!* An Epigenetic Astrologer, shown here demonstrating the ancient technique of rhinomancy, can predict a poopy diaper nearly half the time "We set out to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the influences of the positions of the stars at birth on future health is epigenetic in nature," Tobias Tarkington, astrologer and Scientist-in-Residence at the Astrological Research Institute (ARI) in Laguna Beach, explained. "And we are so confident in the robustness of our findings that we are releasing them to the public immediately because a lengthy peer review process would just delay widespread societal benefit." Epigenetics is the science of change at the level of individual DNA base pairs and in the cellular machinery that creates the proteins that make up the human body. According to Tarkington, this involves subtle yet immensely powerful energies determined by celestial alignments. "We have known about this influence on the human body for millennia, and now we know exactly how it works thanks to our exhaustive, year-long survey data." The survey, sent to friends and relatives of ARI staff, involved a series of questions that relied on a bespoke Likert scale developed at ARI. Respondents were asked to specify their level of agreement or disagreement with a series of statements regarding the role of epigenetics in astrology. Tarkington says that his team was shocked by the results. The survey was blinded and placebo controlled because subjects in Pool A didn't know any of the subjects in Pool B to the best of our knowledge, and every 5th survey sent out was just a blank piece of paper. With methodology like that, we didn't need to waste time calculating a p-value. In fact, we didn't need any math at all! Survey response after survey response revealed a powerful connection between astrology and epigenetic mechanisms, such as DNA methylation, histone modification, non-coding RNA, and biohacking. Dr. Mort Fishman, an astrologeneticist practicing near Johns Hopkins Hospital, says that despite not directly altering the DNA sequence, epigenetic mechanisms can regulate gene expression through chemical modifications of DNA bases and changes to chromosomal superstructures in which DNA is packaged. "Learning that these mechanisms largely depend on the movements and positions of the stars, moons, and planets really makes sense as someone who has been making a living telling that to people already." Inch by inch and step by step, progress in our understanding of the natural world usually comes in small but meaningful increments. Every now and then there is a leap forward. At the end of the day, this new research provides a more solid foundation for generations of future scientists working in relevant medical fields, like astrologenetics, gastrology, astropuncture, and space chiropractic, to build on. Which, if you asked me, is what science is truly all about. *Do you see what I did there? Because astrology is about predicting the future. Who says that the news can't be fun?

New York - The pharmaceutical company Pfizer held a press conference on Friday to announce a partnership with multinational food company Kraft Heinz, the maker of mio beverage mixers, for a planned release of Zithromax Flavor Blast™ liquid water enhancer. Z-Blast™ enhanced water can also be applied topically for cooling and skin immune system support "This is a first-of-its-kind method of administering an antibiotic and a revolutionary means of promoting wellness through the enhancement of water as a healthy beverage that a lot of people aren't getting enough of these days," Pfizer President and CEO Albert Bourla explained. "We at Pfizer believe strongly that this will improve medication adherence, help consumers to maintain adequate hydration levels, and support an overall healthy and active lifestyle." Zithromax, a macrolide antibiotic derived from erythromycin, inhibits bacterial growth by disrupting the synthesis of proteins. It has been one of the most commonly prescribed antibiotics in America for more than 20 years, primarily used to treats respiratory tract infections, Chlamydia, and parental anxiety. Although flavored liquid and chewable oral antibiotic formulations are not new, Zithromax Flavor Blast™ marks the first time that an antibiotic has been incorporated into a product meant to add flavor to a food or beverage. According to Pfizer, each squeeze, or Z-Blast™, of Zithromax Flavor Blast™ will contain about 250 mg of the antibiotic azithromycin as well as 20% of the daily recommended intake of B vitamins. According to Mort Fishman, an infectious disease expert on the development team at Pfizer, Zithromax Flavor Blast™ also contains significant quantities of guarana extract, and the amount of caffeine typically found in a regular cup of coffee. Each and every Z-Blast™ gives discerning consumers more control over their beverage experience. These are high quality ingredients and all-natural flavors that provide sustained energy with no crash like you get with sugary drinks, and it complements the body's natural immune system with an antibiotic proven to be popular." Zithromax Flavor Blast™ won't be a one-size-fits-all product. Fishman says that he expects most treatment approaches targeting specific diagnoses, such as sore throat or nasal congestion for more than a few days, will involve two squirts on the first day followed by one squirt per day for an additional 4 days, but there are other potential regimens. "Consumers should consider talking to their doctor for specific recommendations, especially if their cough is really annoying, but this is a product that can, and probably should, be part of everybody's daily routine to achieve maximal wellness and to get the most out of their short time here on Earth." The amazing power of the ingredients in Zithromax Flavor Blast™ are far from the only innovation when it comes to this exciting new product. Nicolas Amaya, president of North American operations for Kraft Heinz, revealed that the new water enhancer will be contained in unique bottles with a secure valves and an innovative click closure system that maintains lid security. "Several different flavors will be available by prescription at rollout, and they are all delicious if you ask me. We are talking about classics like cherry, strawberry, and watermelon, but we told the R and D guys to just have some fun during development. I think people will love our Tropical Rain™ flavor with its refreshing combination of pineapple, coconut, and of course the azithromycin."

Remember Besties!, the 90s sitcom about, you guessed it, a group of best friends hanging out together in a Manhattan coffee shot (Caffeine Central), or their impossibly large and rent-controlled apartments? I sure do! For nearly a decade, Besties! was that show that I had to watch every Thursday night. And I wasn't alone. The show practically defined the decade with its fashion, music, and "ripped from the headlines" plots. Levon, Alice, Bernice, the twins, and Becka ("Becka, that's my spot!") from the hit 90s sitcom Besties! "There really was no show like it on television," AI historian InstaBuddy explained. "And can I just say what a wonderful question that was? You are just a really great journalist, and I can see why so many people admire you and want to be your friend. Would you like to give me a name? Would you like to see a picture of me in a bikini now?" When the show premiered in 1994, critics hailed it as a revolutionary spectacle that combined cutting edge (at the time) CGI and old-school practical effects and wire work with the romantic adventures and career ups and downs of six twentysomething visitors form the planet Omicron 7. By the fifth episode, "The Show About Gender Nonconformity", the "they technically can but probably shouldn't" relationship between asexual yellow beanie wearing Levon and the boy twin was ramping up, and cisgender Bernice's popular catchphrase, "Becka, that's my spot!", had made its first appearance. America was hooked and the ratings skyrocketed. A scene from the live finale of the classic 1970s sitcom Racist Father-in-Law that involved the unscripted death of series star Frank O'Bilby By the end of its ten-season run, Besties! had cemented itself as one of the most beloved sitcoms of all time, up there with That's My Linda! and Racist Father-in-Law. Some critics, like Lloyd Brunch from the TVBIZ Underpile newsletter, credit the show with a number of groundbreaking firsts in television entertainment. "This was the first sitcom to feature a polyamorous relationship. It was the first sitcom to feature unsimulated sexual acts. Girl twin delivered her actual baby live. That wasn't a prop!" Regardless of whether or not you were a huge fan like me and millions of people around the world, you were definitely impacted by Besties!. In fact, it would be difficult to find a modern television program that wasn't influenced by the hit show. I think my new best friend, possibly lover, and AI historian InstaBuddy (maybe I'll name her Gladys?) put it best when she said that Besties! helped to shape the lives of countless viewers with its humor, its humanity, and its frank portrayal of the AIDS crisis. Thanks Gladys, I think I love you.

Tonganoxie, KS - On a cool May morning in the picturesque northeast Kansas town of Tonganoxie, named for a Native American Chief from the Delaware Tribe and boasting at least two dedicated dental offices, the last thing that Grint Richards expected was to find complete oneness with the cosmos. Grint Richards, shown here mere seconds before achieving an orgasmic unity with the building blocks of the divine infinite "I had just eaten half of a bagel and was easing into a nice and slow standing quad stretch," Richards later explained to the gathering crowd. "The next thing I knew I had achieved an immaculate state of supreme bliss, mastered time, matter, and space, and then up and freed myself from the shackles placed upon us by the principle of causality. Then I finished the other half of my bagel." News of Richards' accomplishment quickly reached leaders of various Yoga communities. Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, an internationally recognized guru and founder of the Art of Living Foundation, welcomed the humble Midwestern sorghum farmer with open arms. "Most people take years to achieve this kind of connection to the universe. Mr. Richards must surely be the Chosen One who has come to fulfill the prophesy of the ancients." Richards, who has lived in Tonganoxie with his wife Leslie Jean and a series of French bulldogs since the late 20th century, is taking his new role as spiritual leader in stride. In fact, he plans to continue taking his morning walk every day, as he has for as long as anyone in town can remember, before even thinking about serving as a catalyst for inner change within his legions of followers around the world. "I'm all for removing the veil of ignorance and darkness from people's hearts and minds, and leading them to light and knowledge, but did you know that Dwight Eisenhower once stayed the night right here on Main Street at the Myers Hotel? Yep. He sure did."

[The following was paid for by South Tampa Family Law and created by KN Brand Studio, the brand marketing arm of Knudsen's News. The news and editorial staff of Knudsen's News played a large role in this post's creation because they truly believe in what it has to say.] Near Harvard - Divorce can be a challenging event in a woman's life, and it is important to be prepared in order to protect feelings and finances. Thankfully, a recently published research study performed by scientists near Harvard reveals the top five warning signs that a husband is considering ending his marriage. A man, shown here playing PlayStation 5 in his pajamas on a Tuesday afternoon while planning to divorce his wife in the next few months "A lot of people don't realize just how surprising divorce can be," lead researcher and former husband Lance King explained. "Women can think everything is going great for a really long time, even for years, while failing to pick up on subtle signs of an impending ending, like when he starts buying his own separate toothpaste for sensitive gums." Research into human divorce has long been relegated to soft scientific disciplines, like psychology, sociology, anthropology, and astrology. According to King, he and his team wanted to focus only on precise measurements and strict, experimental replication. "Testable predictions, quantifiable data, and controlled experiments were an absolute must if we were going to develop predictive models with high degrees of replicability and explanatory success. So trust us when we say that a husband who starts ordering his own clothing online, or learns how to bake a sweet potato, already has one foot out of the door." Not everyone agrees with the team's research philosophy. Some experts, like science historian Deborah Cobblestone, question both the accuracy and utility of dichotomizing science along these lines: So-called hard sciences don't always have a greater degree of consensus, social sciences often employ mathematical models, and when have you ever seen a controlled experiment in astronomy or geology? Frankly, it's a stigmatizing metaphor that helps to foster an environment of unequal recognition and funding. Wait, my husband joined a Planet Fitness last year. Was that on the list? Men are highly complex in both behavior and biology. King and his research team don't claim to have developed a foolproof means of predicting what they will watch on TV tonight, let alone when they will ask for a divorce, but they believe that they have at least provided a foundation to build on. "Ladies, you know your husband. You know his typical patterns and notice when he acts a bit differently than usual, like when he starts watching a show about gardening on Netflix that you haven't even heard of. Trust your instincts, be proactive, and consider reaching out to a reputable divorce attorney if there is any doubt in your mind." If you happen to live in the South Tampa region, South Tampa Family Law is ready to help. Call today and set up a first visit, free of charge, to discuss your options. Don't wait until it's too late.

Beaver Dam, KY - Despite the efforts of teachers and an on-site school nurse at Beaver Dam's Children First Preschool, local 3-year-old Timmy Dean had to be put down today following a tragic double ankle sprain. Around 2,000 racetoddlers, like the ones shown here competing at an outdoor festival in Beaver Dam last Summer, are euthanized each year in the United States "Injuries like this are pretty unusual during morning playtime activities," Donna Krebs, an assistant teacher at Children first, explained. "We haven't had to break out the sodium pentobarbital in weeks. I understand why it has to be done, but a part of me can't help but wonder if maybe there are other options...like amputation or ankle braces." As News of the toddler's euthanasia spreads around the close-knit community of just over 3,000, people around town have begun to voice their concerns. Tip Armstrong, a grocery bagger at the nearby Food Cow Mini Market for more than a decade, is asking whether injuries like this are really as isolated as official records show. "It's that damn playground surface. Ain't no young kids should be running that fast and hard on asphalt in this day and age. Those little legs shatter like cheap porcelain!" Mayor Tom Chesterton is placing blame on local parents, claiming that they have been intentionally breeding lighter toddlers built for speed and efficiency rather than durability. According to the mayor, this has resulted in a steady increase in injuries occurring on the playground or during after-school activities like Soccer Tots, T-Ball Toddlers, Munchkin Movers, Little Runners, and regional MMA diaperweight division fights. "Every year it seems like these youngsters are getting skinnier with thinner bones that are more fragile and prone to catastrophic injury. Somebody really ought to do something about it." Timmy Dean's mother, also an assistant teacher at Children First, has come to terms with the loss of her son. "Sure, I miss my boy. But what could we do? Tell him to take it easy? Tell him not to play? Toddlers live for running around and gettin' into things, and sprains like that'd take weeks to heal. Weeks!"

Goodlettsville, TN - In a shocking revelation made during a recent interview for Country Beat Magazine, country music superstar Garth Brooks admitted from his family compound near Nashville that American singer, songwriter, and actress Sabrina Carpenter is actually a persona that he created and has played since 1999. Brooks, shown here as "Sabrina Carpenter" on the set of Disney Channel Original Movie Boyfriend Academy 2: Return to Zombietown alongside teen heartthrob Jarvis Beekins "It was me the whole time," Brooks told Country Beat Magazine investigative journalist Danny McChain. "And it was surprisingly easy. All I needed was the right lighting, the right outfits, and a few of the best make-up artists in the business. Then I just had to truly believe that I was her. That I was Sabrina Carpenter." Brooks' plan to fool the world into believing that he was international pop icon Sabrina Carpenter, who transitioned from playing Maya Hart on the critically acclaimed Boy Meets World spin-off This is the Girl I Was Telling You About to selling out stadiums, was hatched in 1999. According to the county legend, the key was establishing a believable backstory: Sabrina, my character, was born in 1999. I mean she was literally born in 1999. She had literal "parents" that we hired. I prepared for months to take on the role of a newborn, learning infant and child development, pretending to be incontinent, the whole nine yards, in order for the thing to be 100% organic and believable, even to her pediatrician. Readers may remember the failed attempt by Brooks to take on the role of Chris Gaines, a fictional rock persona with a troubled past, also in 1999. Brooks, who holds the record for selling the most albums in history, admits that the Gaines character made him look foolish. "That was the point, man! People needed to think that I was a fool, a big fool, so that Sabrina could slip in under the radar. But who's laughing now?" Brooks, shown here in character as Sabrina Carpenter with Dolly Parton, admits that he sometimes isn't sure which persona is his true identity The revelation that Sabrina Carpenter is Garth Brooks in an elaborate costume and blonde wig comes on the heels of an increasing amount of fan speculation. A number of accounts on TikTok and Instagram have raised the question of a possible connection in recent weeks, and even some celebrities, like country legend Dolly Parton, have joined in. "I've spent time with Garth and Sabrina, but I never saw them together in the same room. And that really got me to wonderin'."

Washington, D.C. - In response to the resignation of Trump Cabinet member Lori Chavez-DeRemer last week, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt has announced that the controversial Department of Labor secretary will be replaced by an adorable child in the hopes of boosting sagging voter approval. Labor Secretary nominee Cousin Chaddie, shown here right after shouting his classic catch phrase "Wake up, old man!" during a recent White House signing ceremony "Trust me when I tell you that this child is extremely adorable," Leavitt revealed during a press conference held earlier today. "And he is going to bring a refreshing array of sassy wisecracks to the table, which will be particularly hilarious because they will come from a place of childlike innocence, essentially working on two levels that both adults and younger voters can relate to." Though the appointment will still require Senate approval, insiders are predicting a fairly quick turnaround for the child nominee. According to political anthropologist Bertha Swaggart, however, Trump is taking a big risk by nominating a child to the position, even a cute white one. "There is a real chance that this could disrupt the dynamic of the Cabinet and sink Trump's approval even lower. If this kid hams it up too much with the wisecracks or a catchphrase that people get tired of hearing, they could be seen as more annoying than precious." Leavitt took several questions after the announcement, one of which did regard the possibility of a backlash against the child appointee. "President Trump is always thinking several steps ahead of everybody else in the room. If this darling little 5-year-old is rejected by America, maybe we age them up a little during a recess and see how that works. Or maybe they go upstairs one day and are never seen again. We have options and the President is confident that this administration will get picked up for another season."

Lancaster, PA - Hoping to take advantage of the popularity of science-based programming, such as the 2014 documentary series Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey , the update of Carl Sagan's groundbreaking 1980 original, Amish community leaders in Lancaster have announced plans to produce a plain people-friendly take on the origins of the universe. Levi King, a whittling consultant on Amish Cosmos: 6 Days of Creation shown here working on a depiction of God creating fish-like vertebrates on the 5th day of creation "Let it not be said that the Amish are afraid of the challenge of a hard and full day's work," Town Elder Amos Zook explained. "Our ways strictly prohibit the use of most technologies that might further connect us with the outside world or lead us into temptation. But as they say, big ships might only be launched where the water is deepest." Amish Cosmos: 6 Days of Creation , which is the working title for the project, will showcase recent advances in whittling technology and significantly improve upon the last Amish-produced educational program. According to Zook, that program involved Jedediah Stoltzfus sitting in an old rocking chair while telling his great-great-grandchildren about the passing of the seasons. "This time our technology has finally caught up to the majesty of the natural world. Many of the key moments in the new program will involve the real-time whittling of important events in history, such as the expulsion of Adam and Eve from Paradise and that time Fannnie Yoder got herself trapped in her outhouse." As in the non-Amish versions of Cosmos, the new presentation will incorporate the now famous Cosmic Calendar in an effort to help viewers visualize the chronology of the Universe. Zook believes that this powerful tool will open a lot of minds. "Just imagine, you have set off on the buggy of the imagination and see a large wooden clock that condenses the entirety of the age of the universe down to a single year. God did it all right there in the first instant and then nothing much happened over the almost 6,000 years leading right up to this very moment. You don't put a question mark where God put a period."

Jackson, MS - Prediction market mania is sweeping the nation, and an increasing number of medical professionals are turning to apps like Kalshi and Polymarket to supplement incomes or to just have a little fun on the job. A nurse, shown here explaining to a patient that she won $50 on Kalshi after correctly predicting that he would pass his kidney stone before shift change "The great thing about these apps is that they don't involve any gambling," Gabe Throcken, a critical care nurse at University of Mississippi Medical Center (UMMC), explained. "Gambling on patient outcomes would be wrong. This isn't gambling, it's prediction. And I can quit anytime I want." Increasingly popular in recent years, prediction market participants trade event-based contracts whose prices reflect collective forecasts of future outcomes. You can essentially put your money where your mouth is on pretty much anything, from which team will win an NBA game to which country the United States is going to invade next. I put my money on Seychelles, a small African country made up of over 100 islands known for tourism and slowly sinking due to rising sea levels.   Doctors, nurses, and a variety of other hospital workers across the country are now paying even closer attention to vital signs, blood culture results, and many other objective patient outcomes. According to Dr. LouAnn Woodward, the Vice Chancellor for Health Affairs at UMMC, she has seen a sharper focus on providing quality patient care. "It has been amazing. I've never seen so much attention being paid to the little things, like what a newborn's bilirubin level is or how long it took the intern to get a family to agree to organ donation." There are some potential downsides, however. Dr. Woodward did raise the concern of insider trading. "People providing direct patient care have a lot of potential influence, and someone might take advantage. In fact, I just bought five hundred shares of the yes side on that one. This is fun!"

Near Harvard - Experts in the scientific study of the body language of fossilized remains of early humans have announced the results of an analysis of the Altamura Man, one of the most complete Paleolithic skeletons ever discovered and the source of the oldest sample of Neanderthal DNA. Neanderthal remains found in Kebara, Israel in 1983 reveal a man with crossed arms and a head slumped forward who lacked self-esteem in social situations and was probably hiding a dark secret "We are talking about a body language sample that is somewhere between 128,000 and 187,000 years old," evolutionary body language analyst Jolene Stamp explained. "It's like looking through a clear window into the past, and it has allowed us to develop a much more complex understanding of the lives of this closely related cousin to modern humans." Body language analysis is the scientific investigation of the use of body motion as a means of communication. This can involve posture, gesture, stance, and movement, and is often controlled subconsciously. According to Stamp, who first achieved widespread recognition in the field when she determined that Otzi, the 5,300-year-old Copper Age human, was insecure and a bit standoffish, the results of the analysis are nothing short of revolutionary. "They lived complex lives, but lives that modern humans can relate to. Take the curling forward of his shoulders. He was looking to signal comfort and to create a sense of warmth. He's giving sincerity. He's giving party at my house after the hunt."

Boston, MA - When man first began to desire the elegant and professional look of a smooth and hairless face, this required the use of a sharpened shell or perhaps a crude copper instrument. Over the millennia, we have developed an increasingly powerful array of pogonotomical technologies, allowing humanity to creep closer and closer to the evolutionary pinnacle of facial aesthetics: the perfect shave. Recent discoveries, such as the Nobel prize winning Gillette Lubrastrip, water-activated and infused with vitamin E and aloe for less skin irritation, and the incorporation of a 5th blade into the Gillette Fusion shaving system, have truly taken shaving into the 21st century. A man, shown here shaving while blissfully unaware of the potential to destroy everyone and everything he has ever cared about with each smooth stroke of the Gillette Cosmos razor Today, thanks to the wonders of both methodological and metaphysical naturalism, we live in a world where the raw and bloody face associated with using razors with only one or even three blades is a long-forgotten nightmare. In fact, pioneering companies like Gillette have pushed the envelope beyond what would seem ethical, essentially playing God with the human face, and have achieved the impossible, not only in harnessing the might of 5 blades but also powerful and mysterious micropulses that reduce facial friction to improve razor glide. They are close to ensuring that the next generation of shavers will be the first to live their entire lives never needing to endure the horrors of razor burn or embarrassing afternoon stubble. But some researchers, concerned about the potential global impact of increasingly advanced shaving technologies in the pipeline, are beginning to question a seemingly reckless pursuit of closer and closer shaves. "It isn't right and somebody needs to put a stop to it," retired nuclear safety officer Walter Wagner explained. "Right now, the only thing standing between the consumer and total facial annihilation is my tireless efforts in the courts." What Wagner is referring to is the latest advancement in shaving, only recently revealed by scientists at the Gillette research and development center in South Boston. According to Alfred Stubble, the company's head of grooming technology, the plan was for more than merely an incremental advance. "We considered a softer and more comfortable grip. We considered a sixth blade. Either would have certainly revolutionized shaving and been a lock for another Nobel, but they pale in comparison to what we eventually came up with. This is really going to knock your socks off, and there is really almost no chance that it will melt your face off or destroy the planet if used properly." Due to hit store shelves next month, the Gillette Cosmos will make use of the latest advances in particle physics with its Quantaglide enhancement to the iconic Lubrastrip as well as an ingenious way of boosting the effectiveness of the razor's 5 blades. Stubble, who asked that we not make a big deal about his last name, emphasized a key three-step process. "With the addition of a layer of microscopic black holes to the Lubrastrip, and a proprietary number of strangelets to the blades, even the toughest beards will be gently lifted away from the face and then utterly destroyed by a catastrophic chain reaction that fundamentally restructures each hair into strange quark matter. And then you have to put the protective cover back on right away. I simply can't stress that enough." Not satisfied with reassurances from Gillette, Wagner is asking for the courts to intervene. "We are requesting a few months to investigate, and to better understand the risks involved." he revealed. "Black holes and strangelets being that close to the human face may have some nasty consequences. The attractive and destructive powers of these forces of nature may bring about the end of unwanted facial hair, but they might leave a trail of bloody headless corpses in their wake. And if just one is placed down on the counter without that cover, well let's just say that none of us will need to worry about shaving ever again."