"Expert's Corner" is a popular column in Knudsen's News that features a revolving door of experts in a variety of fields answering the big questions on the minds of our readers. A favorite among Belvidere residents as well as people from around the world, but mostly Singapore for some reason, it offers practical, empathetic, and easy to understand guidance on a wide variety of topics, making it a valued resource in the community. Vinay Prasad, shown here smiling with his mouth while his eyes betray a sadness, as if the momentum of his ego's trajectory has carried him far past the point from which he could ever hope to return to the life he saw for himself those many years ago as an idealistic young medical student in Chicago, dreaming of helping people and making a positive impact on the world Today's expert is Dr. Vinay Prasad, an American physician, healthcare researcher, and poet with expertise in all areas of medicine, as well as all aspects of life in general, and who was a professor of epidemiology and biostatistics at the University of California, San Francisco before leaving to briefly serve as director of the Center of Biologics Evaluation and Research under Donald Trump. He is known for forever changing the way that we always thought about the practice of medicine and the true underlying nature of health as a core component of the human condition. Also for his love and deep understanding of children. Dear Expert's Corner, My child cries every time we try to take him with us to a restaurant. It's embarrassing and recently we were even asked to leave by the manager of a Cracker Barrel. I'm sick of eating my fried catfish and hush puppies in the car. Help! Losing it in Lafayette Dear Losing it, Children crying in public are a societal problem with the potential for negative consequences for parents, the involved children, other diners, and the economy as a whole. Hey, we've all been there! Well, not me, because I don't want, have, or even work with kids. But I have assessed the medical literature and concluded that there are no randomized and controlled trials on this issue. I hope this helps. Vinay Prasad, MD

Arlington, VA - Mr. Snuffles, the last remaining gerbil employed by the United States military during World War 2, died this week at the age of 82. Mr. Snuffles, shown here behind a bear in 1944, had over one hundred confirmed battlefield kills "I'll never forget that furry little bastard," Stam Costello, an infantryman who stormed the beaches at Normandy alongside Mr. Snuffles as part of the United States Small Mammal Division, revealed. "A German soldier had me in his sights and I thought I was a goner. But that desert rate tore clean through his jugular before he knew what hit him." Mr. Snuffles, who achieved the rank of master sergeant prior to his retirement in 1972, was laid to rest at Arlington Pet Cemetary today with several hundred people and military animals in attendance. This included Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, acting chief of staff of the Army General Christopher LaNeve, and Lieutenant Colonel Giggles the Dolphin of the United States Cetacean Corps. The ceremony featured full military honors, including a color guard, riderless horse, and 13-gun salute by cannon. A solid gold exercise wheel was presented to Mr. Snuffles's widow and roughly 5,000 sons and daughters. "In life, he honored this country," Lt. Col. gorilla Georgie Bananas signed to the family at one point during the ceremony. "In death, the country honors him." Georgie Bananas wept.

Washington, D.C. - Several letters written to Santa by Dr. Anthony Fauci are now in the hands of Republicans that have today held him in contempt of Congress after refusing to answer questions about his actions during the COVID-19 pandemic at a hearing last week. A young Anthony Fauci, shown here planning to one day use the cover of a pandemic to achieve his ultimate goal of a never-ending vacation for schoolchildren everywhere "This is some real sick and twisted stuff," U.S. Senator Rand Paul explained earlier today. "What I read this morning in these letters is so much worse than his diary, and his diary is terrifying. It gave me nightmares. I literally dream about Dr. Fauci, like every night." Fauci, who led the nation's response to the pandemic that killed more than a million Americans, has been blamed by Republicans for not being honest about where the virus originated as well as for harmful social distancing measures and vaccine mandates. Senator Paul, who has spearheaded attempts to hold Fauci to account, believes that the letters to Santa, written by Fauci while attending elementary school at Our Lady of Guadalupe in Brooklyn, reveal his true nature. "In one of the letters, he asked Santa for all the money in the world, which would have left no means for families to buy food or medicine and resulted in millions of deaths. He's a monster and he must be stopped."

Itasca, IL - Drawing on their years of intense academic and clinical experience, more pediatricians are expanding into acute animal care and, in some cases, serving as primary animal care providers for a wide variety of species in addition to human children. A certified veterinary pediatrician, shown here treating a dog (Albus Dumbledog) and a child (Lance Dumbledog) with strep throat and canine distemper virus "Pediatric education and training is equivalent to veterinary school," veterinary pediatrician Mort Fishman explained. "Both tracks require extensive study in foundational sciences like anatomy, physiology, and pathology, and the number of classroom hours are roughly the same. And animals have many of the same organs and body parts as children." Practitioners in the burgeoning field claim to help young animals achieve maximum wellness through the power of pediatrics, which is a holistic approach to health that involves a variety of proven treatment modalities. According to Fishman, who completed the International Veterinary Pediatric Association (IVPA) Diplomate Program last year, this is the natural culmination of a journey that began many years ago. "Through research, education, collaboration, and clinical application, I am taking the work of pediatric medicine beyond outdated boundaries, which helps to shape the future of the profession and the human children, pets, and farm animals that it serves for future generations." A golden retriever (Duchess Margaret of Wetbottom), shown here watching an iPad, who was found to have severe speech and language delay by Dr. Fishman Pediatricians that choose to go through the rigorous IVPA program, or who obtain a certification from the American Pediatric Association's Division of Animal Health, practice at the highest level and actively contribute to advancing the field, which is increasingly important to families with human children and animals. Cindra Lewith, a mother of two humans and a Latvian river skink, certainly thinks so. "When I learned that Dr. Fishman attended all 4 weekend sessions on animal health, passed an online exam, and published a case report on the negative impact of screen time on language acquisition in a Welsh Corgi puppy, I knew that I could trust him with my two boys, and my skink."

New York - Described by many as a nightmare scenario for the 8.5 million New York citizens, several other major U.S. cities have overcome key technological hurdles in bagel production and may soon be able to produce their own version of the popular yeasted wheat bread rolls. A bagel scientist in Pittsburgh, shown here proudly attempting to make a bagel by using boiling milk to gelatinize the dough prior to baking "I certainly didn't expect to see this in my lifetime," bagel historian Harvey Bellwether explained. "It would be a huge blow to the local economy in New York, which up until now has relied heavily on bagel exports and bagel tourism. Things could get real ugly around here. People are going to panic." Initially only available in very small numbers when found naturally formed by the elements, in particular wind, rain, salt, and wild wheats, New York developed the ability to mass produce high quality bagels in the early 20th century and has managed to keep the technology under wraps for decades. According to Bellwether, who recently tried a prototype bagel in Chicago, a slow but steady leak of the process has resulted in the current crisis. "They are real close in Chicago. A lot closer than New York is to making a deep dish pizza. They don't have the right pans and they still can't figure out how to get the cheese under the sauce. But the Chicago bagel is now mostly round and a lot less mushy. It could probably support a thin layer of schmear and maybe even a bit of lox."

Dark. Dingy. A barren and sexless wasteland where death lingers around every corner and the food is terrible. These are all words that could be used to describe the country where the epic journey of Odysseus takes place, at least according to director Christopher Nolan's representation of Greece. But a controversial portrayal of the country as ugly and dangerous is far from the only problem with the blockbuster film according to some critics who have been to Greece. Charybdis, seen here depicted in a scene from The Odyssey threatening to destroy Odysseus's ship, the Penelope II, has filed a defamation suit against Nolan and co-producer Emma Thomas "It's a mess," travel historian Dick Jeeves explained. "People have been visiting Greece for centuries, and I've been there a few times myself. That's not at all what I remember it being like. Where were the crystal-clear turquoise waters, the sun-drenched islands, the fine-grained white sand beaches with those lovely hints of pink? Where were the whitewashed villages and the amazing local cuisine? This movie isn't going to inspire travel, and travel is what brings people together through shared experience and an opportunity to break down cultural barriers." Though Jeeves appreciates Nolan's emphasis on practical effects over CGI, he questions many of the director's choices from casting and costumes to the way that certain groups were depicted as violent aggressors. "There hasn't been a confirmed cyclops-related fatality in a hundred years, but now families might think twice about visiting Greece out of fear of their children being eaten by a giant monster during a hike up Mount Olympus." Emily Wilson, a British-American classicist and translator who some believe may have been the inspiration for Homer's original take on the adventures of Odysseus after his victory at Troy, was especially harsh in her criticism of Nolan's film. "Like I wrote in the book My Day With Homer: Poet, Friend, Blabbermouth, there are only so many ways to adapt the ramblings of Iron Age Greek bards. Frankly, I would be embarrassed to have written even one word of that film, the negatives of which should be burned in a public ceremony, the ground upon which it was filmed salted and then walled off from the rest of the world, and viewers of it in IMAX 70mm damned with penal blinding using hot coals."

Birmingham, AL - Despite decades of evidence, and the recommendations of thousands of experts in the resuscitation of patients using hospital defibrillators and portable automatic devices when in the outpatient setting, more Americans are refusing these interventions in favor of more natural forms of electricity. A man suffering from ventricular fibrillation, shown here at home using a natural alternative to an AED "It boils down to patient autonomy and informed consent," Mother Against Defibrillation (MAD) CEO Stacey Brandywine explained. "And when people learn about the harms from synthetic electricity, more are choosing natural alternatives like lightning or bioelectricity through the use of electric eels, rays, and catfish." The backlash against modern forms of applying electricity when treating patients with dangerous cardiac arrhythmias now even includes some medical professionals. Mort Fishman, a medical doctor that completed nearly two thirds of a urology residency, questions the evidence base supporting the use of synthetic electricity. "Did you know that there has never been a study comparing the use of an AED or hospital paddles to placebo? But Big Electricity rakes in billions every year when there are reports of the use of lightning to revive patients going back to the early 19th century."

New York - Phizer, the American multinational pharmaceutical and biotechnology corporation behind such blockbuster products as Zithromax Flavor Blast™ liquid water enhancer and Manorgamax, has announced a breakthrough in anti-aging medicine that they expect to be available by the end of the summer. Does Anthony Fauci take Extendor to live longer and stronger? We'll never tell. But yes, he totally does! And that's why he's America's favorite...I want to say...accountant? "This is a once-in-a-generation advance in the treatment of human aging," Phizer CEO Albert Bourla explained. "Patients taking xifendactimumorb have been found to age more slowly than the typical rate experienced by people who aren't appropriate candidates for the treatment." Xifendactimumorb, which will be marketed as Extendor, is a pill that must be taken weekly and after completing a five kilometer run at a 9-minute mile pace or faster. Mort Fishman, a retired physician and vice president of Pfizer's Division of Immortality and Erectile Dysfunction, says that the science supports the hype. "I saw the results first hand. Many of these subjects felt significantly younger and healthier than similarly aged subjects who couldn't tolerate or afford the treatment." Pfizer expects that Extendor will cost around $250,000 for a one-year supply and will not be covered by insurance. According to Fishman, having a strict treatment protocol is important in order to avoid confusion and improper use. "This revolutionary pharmaceutical intervention won't be for everybody, but it will be for patients with the drive and determination to push past the limits of human biology through restorative sleep for at least 8 hours each night, a diet of mostly fruits and vegetables, regular intense aerobic exercise with some weight training, meaningful social relationships and strong family bonds, and several lengthy vacations every year."

Newton, MA - When expectant mother Sincy Bastion arrived at Newton-Wellesley Hospital last week with a birth plan that she had developed along with her husband and doula, hospital staff were understandably reluctant to allow an untrained lay person to dictate management of a medical procedure. But after reading the plan, the nurses and physicians involved in Bastion's care realized that this was no ordinary patient request. In fact, what they discovered will revolutionize hospital childbirth and forever change the course of human history. Hospital birthing ward shown here having already incorporated the birthing hammock into standard delivery policy as dictated in The Plan "Reading that birth plan was a career...no, a life changing experience." Obstetrician Mort Fishman explained. "It's very humbling when you realize that you have been wrong as a physician, especially after practicing for as long as I have. I'll never approach the delivery of a non-aborted human fetus using those outdated methods ever again. I have opened my heart to The Plan now. The Plan is the way to true salvation." Bastion's birth plan, which has been laminated and tacked onto a wall in the nurse break room so that future generations of medical professionals can learn from its teachings, details a comprehensive and natural approach to the birthing process. Experts like Fishman are predicting that long after the demise of our current civilization, probably at the hand of sentient robots or a mutated squirrel virus, The Plan will emerge as a unifying force. Throughout the confederation of city states and the independent enclaves of humanity's remnants, and even among the handful of demihuman villages struggling to survive in a world forged by the great cataclysm, what with the toxic water and air that is barely breathable, and the roaming mutant insect-reptile hybrids, The Plan will serve as a source of both technical instruction for future childbirth and as a blueprint for post-apocalyptic religious belief. The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG) has already set in motion plans to disband as an organization out of intense regret and shame. While practicing obstetricians will not yet be required by law to abide by The Plan's birth preferences, it is estimated that roughly 80% will immediately alter their practice in response. The rest will be swept up for reeducation in the coming enforcement purges. Many hospitals around the country are already implementing new policies and procedures, and High Priests and Priestesses of the Church of the Blessed Natural Birth, such as Dr. Fishman, are going out into the community to share The Plan's pacifier-free vision of peace, harmony, and labor hammocks.

Tallahassee, FL - An influential group of conservative chemists are calling for the total ban of trans isomers in Florida public schools. PCF President Hank Clutch, shown here confused by compounds these days with their lack of respect for the spatial arrangements of atoms that made America a great country when he was a kid growing up in 1960s Tampa "We aren't interested in a compound's functional groups or what side of a double bond they claim to be on," Patriot Chemists of Florida (PCF) president Hank Clutch explained. "But there is no place for trans isomer ideology in teaching children about organic or inorganic compounds, alkanes, or even alkanes. I'm not even sure that they should be allowed in good Christian chemistry at any level." Not all chemists or educators in Florida agree with banning trans isomers from public schools. Some, like liberal science teacher Amy Cliffbar, believe that children of all ages can and should learn about the fluidity of stereoisomers while also being exposed to the full range of chemical property expression in a safe and supportive educational environment. "The way we discuss stereoisomers is important. Trans isomers generally have a lower boiling point, and that is at least in part because of the harsh way that they are treated by misguided conservative chemists."

Cleveland, OH - There is finally some good news for Men with erectile dysfunction (ED). A growing number of ED sufferers with difficulty achieving or maintaining an efficient and meaningful erection are turning to kinesiology tape in order to accomplish their bedroom goals in 2026. A man with erectile dysfunction, shown here disappointing his wife and letting down his friends, family, and the greater Houston community "The last thing I ever expected was to be unable to fulfill all the objectives that I had assigned to my penis this year," 53-year-old accountant Brad Ridgely explained. "I was relieved to discover an effective treatment that will allow me to hit key metrics with one or more partners over the next two quarters, and without having to worry about side effects like exploring my emotions or acknowledging any vulnerability." Kinesiology tape, though primarily used to manage musculoskeletal injuries and some cardiac conditions, has increasingly been studied as a potential therapeutic intervention for a variety of other health conditions. Benefits of application rely on the tape's unique adhesoelastic properties that increase blood flow and support connective tissues according to urologist Mort Fishman, who uses the product regularly for the recurrent penile flaccidity that has plagued him for the past twenty years. "Performance issues are a common reason that men come to see me. It's nice having an option to help them that doesn't involve having to ask about their marriage or their mental health." Dr. Mort Fishman, shown here role-playing as a doctor holding a sexy clipboard with his wife Sandy while using several inches of kinesiology tape to maintain an engorged corpora cavernosa Properly applied urokinesiology tape, which comes in a variety of colors, textures, and flavors, can support penile tissues without limiting range of motion, stroke volume, depth of penetration, or rotational torque. And Fishman believes that there may be other benefits as well. "Improving lymphatic drainage, increasing oxygenation, and being able to pretend your penis is a lightsaber when you use glow in the dark tape are all possible. And that's why I went into medicine. To help people." Kinesiology tape is a powerful tool that does have some risk, particularly if applied haphazardly. Fishman recommends that men with ED only use kinesiology tape under the guidance of a certified practitioner trained by the Kinesiology Taping Association International's ED division, which requires at least two Saturday sessions at the airport Howard Johnson in Newark and a judged solo application demonstration on "Floppy" the division's high-fidelity ED simulation manikin. "It may seem simple, and I'm not saying it's rocket science or anything, but I've seen what happens when things go wrong. I've seen what's left of it. No tape can fix that."

Near Stanford - Advancements in pharmaceutical sciences have led to the discovery of a number of new compounds that combine the benefits of psychedelic properties with the power of antioxidants to treat a variety of mental health conditions. A young man with severe depression, shown here tripping balls while a trained facilitator encourages a deep connection with the universe and at least a few weeks in Norway this summer "There has been a lot of excitement around psychedelics in recent years," Mort Fishman, MD, a psychiatrist with an office only about a mile from the Stanford University School of Medicine's Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, explained. "They are showing promise in the treatment of a wide variety of mental health concerns, like mood disorders, PTSD, addiction, and investing in cryptocurrency. And when boosted with antioxidant properties, they will probably do a lot of other good stuff too!" Antioxidants are incredibly important molecules that neutralize free radicals in the body that result in cellular stress. According to Fishman, who sells a proprietary blend of mushrooms, wild blueberries, and dextromethorphan in a convenient gummy from his practice's online store, cellular stress can lead to a variety of serious problems. "My gummies support a healthy immune system, promote heart and brain health, reduce inflammation, and this is one we just found out about last week, they even slow down the aging process by up to a quartile." Psychedelic compounds have been shown in a number of studies to have profound psychological and neurobiological effects, we assume by enhancing neuroplasticity or disrupting maladaptive cognitive patterns. One recent prospective study involved patients undergoing facilitated mind journeys with the help of mind expanding substances and hours of one-to-one expert guidance by a trained mental health professional, and who were randomized to an all-expenses-paid, year-long vacation in either Finland or Denmark. The shocking results proved that people say they feel much better regardless of which country they relocated to for the study. In addition to the facilitation of introspection, emotional processing, and therapeutic breakthroughs, psychedelic compounds have also been found to alter brain network dynamics through an anthropological and philosophical perspective that contextualizes cultural and existential meaningfulness. Fishman adds that there is a need for novel approaches to chronic pain and palliative care. "There is so much potential to reshape mental health paradigms here. And now with antioxidants there is potential for synergism that could forever change the way we have always felt about patient care."