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Davenport, IA - A growing number of chiropractors, historically associated with care of the spine, are specializing in teeth and looking to unseat doctors of dentistry as the go-to experts in oral health. 12,000-year-old Algerian cave painting of an early chiropractor treating a patient with tertiary grimp by correcting a subluxation of the 10th thoracic vertebra "Teeth are a lot like bones," Frank Grimes, a chiropractor who specializes in dental care, explained. "The only real difference is that they are outside the body and more easily assessed for misalignments or functional abnormalities that can be gently adjusted back into a healthy position without the need for painful and expensive interventions like braces or root canals." Chiropractors who have specialized in the treatment of teeth use a whole-mouth approach. According to Grimes, this means that he focuses on your teeth, gums, tongue, and the inside of your cheeks when diagnosing a problem and developing a treatment plan. "We get to the root cause of any mouth-related complaints, rather than simply treating symptoms. Do you see what I did? The root cause? Because teeth have roots? Just a little chiropractic dentist humor. We have a lot of fun here in the clinic." The idea that chiropractors might be suited for managing dental complaints goes as far back as the very first patient treated by the profession's founder, D.D. Palmer. Maybe even further. Chiropractic historian Frank Grimes, a chiropractor previously quoted in this article, thinks so: Though the first chiropractic treatment by Double D, which is what cool chiropractors call Palmer, occurred in 1895, there are cave paintings going back many thousands of years depicting early human chiropractors holding crude spear-like spinal adjusting devices. Those people almost certainly had teeth. That's just science. Skeptics are not going to be convinced by ancient human drawings, however. When facing a hardened denier, Grimes points to Palmer's own writings where he described the first chiropractic adjustment in a letter to childhood friend Mortimer Codswallop: Today I accidentally bumped into a guy who lives in my building. Get this. He finds me later and is all like, "I think my cold is a little better. And my teeth are a bit less rotten." Weird, right? Do you think maybe I knocked his spine back into position? This must be what God feels like! A chiropractic dentist adjusting a subluxated 2nd molar in a patient complaining of tooth hypersensitivity and occasional headaches "One thing that I think is important to let potential patients know is that we go through many hours of training to earn a certificate in dental chiropractic," Grimes revealed. "I didn't just wake up one day and decide to treat crooked teeth and stank mouth for a living. I went to several weekend seminars, passed a grueling online exam, and had to publish a case report." Chiropractic dentists recommend traditional methods of oral hygiene, like brushing, flossing, and scraping. They also place a heavy emphasis on important lifestyle factors such as active gnawing on hard, abrasive objects to scrape plaque and tartar from the teeth and gums, getting good sleep, and stress reduction. In fact, the American Chiropractic Dentist Association, in only its second year of existence, recently released its first policy statement. In the statement, they recommend that all teeth be brushed most days and polished weekly with steel wool. Dr. Grimes, shown here demonstrating a full mouth adjustment with a DentoStrap in a patient struggling with nighttime teeth grinding Many people have avoided seeing a dentist regularly out of fear of pain. Some worry that they will become confused and spit before rinsing instead of after. Dr. Grimes says that chiropractic adjustments of the teeth are extremely gentle, however, and don't require complex patient instructions. "Most of my adjustments are precise to the individual tooth and involve only the amount of pressure you might use to check a tomato for ripeness. I use a finger or a dental activator. Sometimes I need to break out the strap. Naughty patients get the strap."

Columbus, OH - In a much anticipated follow-up to their 2022 study on the prevalence of haunted colons among Americans, researchers at the Paranormal Research Medical Group (PRMG) are now looking into the potential benefit of exorcism as a science-based treatment option. Study subject 271, shown here haunted by a Class V fecal phantom, experienced his first satisfying bowel movement in 6 months after undergoing sham exorcism by Dr. Sagemiller "As we showed in our previous study, haunted colons are extremely prevalent in the United States," Project Leader Bruce Sagemiller explained. "And these bowel bogies are likely to blame for a variety of intestinal ailments, like irritable bowel syndrome, chronic constipation, painful gas, and maybe even hemorrhoids." Ever since the study was first announced, there has been backlash from the mainstream medical community. According to Sagemiller, skepticism is understandable and even appreciated. "People laughed at Galileo too, and not just because he knows so many dirty limericks about Catholic priests. I'm serious. We contacted him during a seance/planning session last year." "We set out to design a skeptic-proof study," Sagemiller revealed. "That meant proper randomization and blinding. That meant having a true exorcism treatment group and one where subjects underwent a sham exorcism. People are shockingly trusting when you put on one of those priest collars. I mean, we enrolled kids in this study and parents were completely fine with this." Although the results of the study have not been released yet, the haunted colon patient community is optimistic that exorcism will be proven to work and that insurance companies will cover the intervention. Dr. Mort Fishman, a clinical borborygmologist practicing in Savannah, Georgia, says that many of his patients are desperate. "For their sake, I'm hopeful. And if I never have to deal with another innards imp or sphincter specter ever again, well that's just fine by me."

Paradise Valley, AZ - An unfortunate clerical Error made by American Civil Liberties Union of Arizona staff has resulted in a Paradise Valley man's life being destroyed because of an accidental cancellation. Flexington, shown here outraged over his accidental cancellation while attending a Wine and Cheese fundraiser for The Heritage Foundation in Scottsdale "My life is ruined," Chip Flexington revealed. "These liberals really need to be more careful. Other than my family, friends, job as an architect, respect from my community, three houses, and a legacy country club membership, I've got nothing left. Nothing! Now I know how Elon feels." Cancellation, once a last resort for dealing with people deemed unfit for society, is an increasingly common outcome in recent years as societal standards for speech and behavior have become more and more restrictive, especially for people like Flexington who tell it like it is. I remember a time when you could just be honest with people, especially minority groups and poor people, without having to worry about losing your job. And honestly, who is speaking up for all the women who appreciate being complimented on their appearance. Don't they deserve to feel special? According to comedian Louis C.K., who was unable to do some of the things he really wanted to do after acknowledging that numerous allegations of sexual misconduct over a span of three decades were true, believes that in some cases the punishment outweighs the crime. "The bar for being cancelled is getting lower and lower every year. They came after me for just masturbating in front of a few unwilling women and sexually assaulting a potted plant, and my career was definitely a bit held back for a few months. It really took an emotional toll. Frankly, I'm not sure how I would have gotten through it without the support from several male comedy legends and my thousands of fans."

Emeryville, CA - Fans of the award-winning Pumpkids movies, reeling from news that the third and final installment of the planned Pumpkids trilogy has been postponed for undisclosed reasons, now have something to be excited about: a live-action prequel set to be released next October. Dame Judi Dench, sister of live-action Pumpkids prequel star Trudi, shown here playing a corrupt vice-president of Consolidated Companies in 9 to 5 2: Now They're All British! . "A lot of people have expressed interest in Lady Grumpkin's journey from a young patchling in a family of lesser nobles all the way to the throne of Pumpkinland," Pixar CEO and president Jim Morris explained. "Given what we know about the history of Pumpkinland, her rise to power almost certainly involved a mysterious prophecy, a bloody uprising, a lesbian subplot, and maybe even a dragon or two." The movie, titled The Pumpkids Prequel: Intimate Encounters , will be set several decades before the events of The Pumpkids Movie: Rise of the PumpKing and it's sequel, The Pumpkids Movie 2: The Patch of Destiny , is Pixar's first live-action film and will contain a number of sexually explicit scenes that push the boundaries of what is acceptable in a show based on a series of children's books. According to human writer Noel Freeman, the studio had to make some hard choices during the early stages of pre-production. "We didn't feel that Jobby, our AI content creation program named after Steve Jobs, was the right fit for this project. It kept making all the characters racist. And I mean extremely racist. Even the heroes. Like, I think it's almost as if, and I'm not 100% confident here, but it's like maybe Jobby is racist." "The decision to go for and even embrace an x-rating for the live-action prequel was controversial among Pixar leadership," Freeman revealed. "But at the end of the day, it's what worked for this character at this moment in her life as a young pumpkin aristocrat sleeping her way to the Throne of Vines. Now I'm not going to say you shouldn't take your kids to see this move, but I am going to say that you should be prepared for some pretty tough questions on the drive home." One of the hardest decisions during pre-production came when it was time to cast the main protagonist, Lady Grumpkin herself. Morris nearly broke down in tears when sharing his experience working with the late Queen Elizabeth, who voiced the character in the first installment of the Pumpkids trilogy. "We had a choice, go with a computer generated representation based on archive footage of the Queen as a younger woman or hire a human actress. I'm not going to spoil the movie but I'm pretty sure that audiences won't hate what we ended up going with." The Pumpkids Prequel: Intimate Encounters will be in theaters next October.

Waterbury, VT - Officials from the Vermont State Police (VSP) have issued a warning to be on the lookout for limited edition holiday fentanyls that could be flooding craft fairs, farmers markets, and cozy small-town coffee shops across New England this winter. A stylish ceramic serving dish, shown here holding enough candy cane fentanyl to kill every man, woman, and child who plays Christmas music before Thanksgiving in Pittsburgh "Not everyone is going to be a fan of these limited edition fentanyls," VSP Director Matthew T. Birmingham explained. "But some people are going to get really excited about this stuff, especially the one called Pumpkin Spice, and they will probably be pretty obnoxious about it until March." Psychologists have been exploring the roots of the national obsession with certain fall scents and flavors for decades. According to Emerald Sinclair, a social psychologist that consults with police departments around the country, there were fanatics long before Starbucks introduced its Pumpkin Spice Latte in 2003. "People love to be reminded of the changing leaves, time with family, their childhood home, and the joy that this season brings. And those warm feelings of nostalgia will be the last thing they experience as the fentanyl kicks in and their brain begins to shut down from a lack of oxygen."

Tampa, FL - In an effort to be funny, and not because of a lack of true friends and a deep feeling of loneliness and existential angst as he enters middle age, Tampa resident Steve Boston ironically attempted to forge a human connection with a fellow gym-goer earlier today. Steve Boston, shown here not distracting himself from thoughts of dying alone, and looking forward to coming back to the gym tomorrow, on his birthday, because the girl at the front will see that on the computer and say something nice to him "Did you guys see that," Boston asked. "I totally trolled that guy that gave me a spot on bench press by asking if he wanted to hang out or maybe go grab a beer sometime. No homo. That was hilarious, right? I totally don't even care that he said he was busy." Boston, who moved to the Tampa area from Phoenix after a divorce in 2019, works full time as an electrician and lives in a studio apartment in Seminole Heights. According to the three-time Trump voter and Yellowstone fan, the gym is a great place to get some exercise and to just have fun. "I'm one of those people that doesn't need friends or even anyone to talk to. You sure won't see me crying during that part of A League of Their Own , at the end, when they all get back together and find out who died. So do you have another assignment, or are you done for the day?"

Boston, MA - The "harvest moon", sometimes known as the "barley moon" or "corn puddin' moon", is the full moon nearest to the autumnal equinox and, at least historically, has been a welcome celestial event for farmers working to complete the year's harvest. But the harvest moon that occurred on October 6th was also the first supermoon of 2025. Hospitals, and the medical professionals that dedicate their lives to caring for the ill and infirm, are still reeling after a chaotic and deadly night. President Trump, shown here pointing at the sky while warning the country about the dangers of the supermoon in American medical facilities "A supermoon is when a full moon occurs at its nearest point to the Earth," Mort Fishman, a medical doctor and Chief of Lunar Effects in NASA's Space Medicine Division, explained. "This results in a larger and fuller moon with a more powerful impact on human physiology and psychology. I remember one time in residency during a supermoon when a guy seized so hard his head exploded. Yeah, it literally popped like a balloon. There was blood and chunks of brain everywhere!" Stories of gruesome supermoon-related fatalities have been flooding in since Monday night. One hospital in Boise was forced to evacuate after patients in the psychiatry ward escaped and went on a murderous rampage, with one discovered eating a comatose patient in the ICU. A birthing center in Nashville reported at least one fetus clawing its way out of a mother's abdomen and scurrying into the air duct system after killing an obstetrician, two labor nurses, and a doula. Early estimates put the number of these deaths in the thousands. Unfortunately, hospitals will not have much time to recover or to prepare before facing additional hardships. According to Fishman, this was the first of three back-to-back supermoons expected this year. "I'm encouraging hospital administrations to take this threat very seriously. Though nothing is going to keep everyone in the hospital on those nights alive, and some are going to go in a really, really bad way, precautions should be put in place to at least try and keep the bloodshed to a minimum. But I still want people to take some time to go out and look at the moon because it's going to be beautiful."

Geneva, Switzerland - Top chiropractic particle physicists working at the European Organization for Nuclear Research in Geneva have announced the successful creation of a subluxon, the subatomic building block of the chiropractic subluxation, for the first time since their discovery in 2015. Actor Morgan Freeman, shown here preparing to reprise the role of Jasper St. Benjamin, a particle physicist who develops strange powers and learns to love again, in Particle Man 2: Quantum Entanglement "This is a huge step forward in our quest to fully understand the subluxation," chiropractor and 9th level particle physicist Frank Grimes explained. "In 2015, we indirectly detected subluxons during experiments using the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). Now we can create them artificially, but they decay almost as soon as they form. The next step is achieving an island of stability so that they can be properly studied." Published this week in Online Publishing Module # 17,804 - Chiropractic Particle Physics and Gluten-Free Cake Recipes , the process that resulted in the creation of the mysterious particle took several years to develop and refine. According to Grimes, the team used a proprietary method developed during a weekend conference at the airport Howard Johnson in Newark. "I really wish I could tell you all about it, I really do. Because it's pretty cool. You definitely don't learn this kind of advanced science in medical school." Standing on the farthest edge of humanity's ability to grasp the complexity of the natural world, often fighting against an entrenched prejudice from the medical community, which is just jealous, is something that chiropractors are accustomed to. They know that they are working under a spotlight. Grimes, however, isn't in the business of offering false hope. "Sure, I hope all my experiments at the LHC work out. That's important to me and it's important to my patients. But physics doesn't care about my feelings." The ability to experimentally create stable subluxons could have myriad benefits for human health, including earlier detection of subluxations and improved therapies. Grimes has theorized that spinal adjustments at the subatomic level could result in a more stable spine and a fully optimized nervous system. "What if we could predict the occurrence of a subluxation before it caused lower back pain, headaches, asthma, or the occasional extra chromosome 13 and prevent the damage from ever occurring, maybe with a quantum activator or just a good thump to the spine with my fist? That would definitely win me a Palmy or two. Oh, those are like our Nobel prize." Dr. Grimes is currently offering a Fall Into Health! package through the end of November that includes a subluxons level along with x-rays and a full body grab 'n yank for only $59. He'll even knock 10% off his Maintenance Madness! package if you sign up for at least 6 months!

St. Louis, MO - A mob of angry pet owners, shocked by the discovery of unhealthy ingredients like chicken by-product meal and corn gluten meal in their regular dog food, stormed the headquarters of several pet food companies today, leaving hundreds dead. It takes several podlings, like the one shown here volunteering to help Blue Buffalo scientists create a healthier dog food, to equal the amount of life-sustaining essence from just one gelfling "This is unacceptable, just unacceptable," Judy Smith, owner of an adorable 3-year-old Havanese named Mr. Jangles, explained after ripping the trachea from the throat of Purina receptionist Bridget Berryhill with her bare hands. "Did they think that we wouldn't find out? I compared Purina to Blue Buffalo on the website and learned the truth. They brought this bloodshed on themselves!" Fooled by misleading packaging and seemingly sincere commercials for years, dog owners across the country have had to face the painful realization that the brands they have relied on for their furry companions are lacking in what dog's need to be healthy. Kent Whitaker, Executive VP of Strategic Competitor Shaming at Blue Buffalo, believes that consumers should be angry about what they have been feeding their pets: At Blue Buffalo, we don't condone the murder of innocent low level employees who may not have played a role in designing our competitors' products. But we do understand that many people think of their pets as members of the family and would do anything to ensure their health and happiness. I wonder what I might be capable of if I were to find out that I was depriving my precious 6-month-old Cavalier King Charles Randy of our exclusive LifeSource Bits ™ . Most dog food brands are teeming with unhealthy and even toxic ingredients according to a website. Glutens, high fructose chicken waste, and even dexamethylguantanamobamacaramine, which was recently voted the scariest ingredient by an FDA panel of experts appointed by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., some of whom went to college. Panel member Adult Rock, father of musician Kid Rock and owner of the basement where they meet on Thursday nights, believes that comparing dog food labels is extremely important. BLUE Buffalo is the only dog food brand that contains LifeSource Bits ™ , which are a precise blend of vitamins and antioxidants that have absorbed a small amount of energy from the Heart of Gaia, the seed of existence from which all life on Earth originates and that they keep contained in a secret underground research facility. Blue Buffalo is always searching for new and healthier ingredients. In addition to Lifesource Bits ™ , the production of which will leave the Earth a barren husk devoid of all life by the year 2030, there are a number of candidates for inclusion in future products. These include acai berry pulp, coconut water, and SoulSource Drops ™ , a nourishing liquid made from Gelfling essence and unicorn tears.

Albuquerque, NM - Proponents of the ancient Chinese needle-based therapy known as acupuncture are rejoicing after the publication of a study investigating its use in patients with catastrophic penetrating neck wounds. Traditional Chinese ear acupuncture, shown here being used on a healthy 25-year-old man with a headache to prevent total organ failure from meningococcemia, may also slow death from exsanguination by a few seconds after taking a knife to the carotid artery "We compared ear acupuncture plus usual care to usual care alone in patients with severe knife wounds to the neck," lead researcher at the University of New Mexico's Center for Studies, Dr. Mort Fishman, explained. "Though the subjects ultimately all died, there was an intriguing statistical trend towards slower death in the acupuncture group." The study, which was published this week in Online Publishing Module # 37,211 - Critical Care Acupuncture , involved a randomized convenience sample of subjects with deep neck wounds treated in the University of New Mexico Hospital's Center for Life's Integrative Emergency Medicine Pavilion. According to Dr. Fishman, choosing the right acupuncture points to use was key to the methodological rigor of the study. "We focused on ancient Chinese texts dating back 5,000 years and determined that the ear acupuncture points corresponding to general neck health and also blood vessel integrity were the most likely to yield positive results." An extremely complicated statistical analysis that only highly intelligent people can understand, shown here almost proving that acupuncture might probably kind of work sometimes maybe "None of the results were statistically significant in the study," Fishman revealed. "Still, we've got a really good feeling about this. More research is definitely needed." In addition to the primary outcome of how long it took for subjects to bleed to death, researchers also looked at a number of very interesting secondary outcomes with the help of top statisticians from the North Albuquerque Space Administration (NASA) like Chief of Complementary and Alternative Mathematics (CAM) Allyson Sanders. "After running the data through complicated algorithms with our most powerful graphing calculators, we were shocked to find that subjects in the acupuncture group were a bit less sweaty and also scored slightly higher on a behavioral observation non-verbal patient satisfaction scale administered prior to death. I just got goosebumps."

Cincinnati, OH - Proctor & Gamble, the multinational consumer goods company behind the popular Swiffer brand, has announced the roll out of a new line of easy-to-use cleaning products geared towards medical spa-grade detoxification in the comfort of your own home. Lurninda Conrad was unable to turn 90 degrees prior to cleansing her innards with the Swiffer Bissel Steamboost enema attachment. "We've spent nearly two hundred years focused on producing the best cleaning and personal care products on the market," Proctor & Gamble CEO Jon Moeller explained. "And these new products, like the Swiffer Steamboost's enema attachment or our disposable wet and dry detox cloths, are going to take cleaning at home to a new level!" Since 1999, the Swiffer brand has been a symbol of innovative, effective, and effortless cleaning at a reasonable price that is now sold in countries around the world and worth half a billion dollars. The secret behind their new products, according to Moeller, is the power of electrostatic attraction combined with the use of a specialized detox solution: Not everyone has the time or budget for a professional colon cleanse or a lymphatic massage. With the Steamboost enema attachment, you can shoot this stuff up your own ass and let the solution do all the work while you binge Love Island . And a quick rubdown with one of our detox pads absorbs toxins straight through the skin, leaving you fresh and clean to your core. Just like the floors in your house can become caked with grime and covered in dust and pet hair, your colon can hold up to fifteen pounds of undigested waste. Mort Fishman, a Doctor of Household Naturopathy, revealed that we live in a toxic world full of scary chemicals and even scarier food ingredients, like seed oils and electromagnetic gluten. "Now my patients don't have to live in fear of leaving their house without wearing one of my specially designed hats." Proctor & Gamble is sticking with their highly successful "razor and blades" business model when it comes to the new line of products. For example, customers will need to purchase the reusable enema attachment for the Steamboost and then a fresh gallon of the Swiffer ColoCleanse solution for each use. Moeller recommends a deep cleaning of the enema attachment between each use and to stick to one unit per customer.

Washington, D.C. - The White House has announced plans to further update aging Liberty Island infrastructure that will now include the Statue of Liberty Museum, sculpture garden, and pedestrian walkways, as well as the construction of a giant husband to accompany the Statue of Liberty. A husbandless Statue of Liberty, overcome with loneliness and incapable of protecting America from giant monsters "This is turning out to be a really big project," National Park Service director Jessica Bowron explained. "In addition to the work already underway on the foundation for Lady Liberty, we will now be improving the lighting, refreshing the garden areas, and installing a 120-foot tall Mr. Liberty in keeping with President Trump's Restoring Truth and Sanity to American History executive order." First announced in 2022, plans to rehabilitate the terreplein of the historic Fort Wood, which serves as the base for the statue, were to involve replacement of the stone walking surface, repair of masonry and structural issues on the exterior staircases and supporting slab, installation of a waterproof barrier, and correction of drainage problems. According to Bowron, the addition of a husband for the Statue of Liberty is long overdue and just makes sense from a historical perspective. "A single woman moving to America and supporting herself without the help of a husband? That didn't represent American family values in 1886 and it doesn't today." Though not officially involved in the planning, President Trump discussed his thoughts on the project with the press earlier today. Demonstrating a deep grasp of technology and a hopeful vision for the future, Trump hopes that the new statue will serve as a shining example of American ingenuity that will inspire future generations. "I'm guessing maybe robot. Maybe one that can fight robots from other countries if necessary. And of course we have to be ready for the kaiju."