HHS, DOE Announce Vaccine Safety Education Program for Children

Washington, D.C. - The Departments of Health and Human Services and Education recently announced plans for a televised public vaccine safety education initiative targeting children called Jabby's Playhouse.

Rob Schneider, voice of Jabby in Jabby's Playhouse, here with RFK Jr. right before doing a few awkward push-ups and jumping in an algae-covered pond with their clothes on

"The program will air during the Fox News morning block of children's programming this summer," HHS spokesperson Andrew Nixon explained. "Our goal is to educate young children on the worrisome link between vaccines and a variety of adverse health outcomes, like autism and cooties, while at the same increasing public trust in vaccines, which is at its lowest point in decades for some reason."

The development of the series was entrusted to Kidz Fun Shop, a producer of educational content for children for more than 20 years. According to Kidz Fun Shop president and CEO Gurny J. Knievel, the show will be informed by science. "We've done our research and come up with what feels like a fairly close approximation of the scientific consensus on this issue. But kids shouldn't expect a boring lecture on how vaccines will turn their brains into mush or how their pediatricians lied to mommy and daddy. That will of course be in the show, but there is also going to be a lot of fun, with jokes, songs, and the kind of intelligent writing that families have come to expect from Kidz Fun Shop."

This will not be the first Kidz Fun Shop effort to tackle a controversial topic. The company also published the 2001 book Goodnight Thermite, which revealed the truth behind the September 11th attacks while encouraging healthy sleep hygiene for toddlers. This was followed by a 2006 documentary on the faked moon landing, Oh, the Places They Didn't Go!, which was narrated by Joe Rogan.

Jabby's Playhouse will not shy away from presenting a realistic portrayal of vaccine-injured children, as understood by director Jenny McCarthy. The show's protagonist Jabby, a large hypodermic needle filled with mercury, antifreeze, and aborted fetuses, will depart on a quest to destroy the evil Baron von Bigpharma and his wisecracking minion ThimeroSally, a vial of mercury-based vaccine preservative. After the first episode was shown before screenings of Melania, Jabby's journey of discovery and atonement for condemning thousands of young children to a life of neurodevelopmental stagnation is already being held up by proponents of the autism-vaccine link as a powerful example of using selective exposure to curated information to promote a particular point of view.

Using the power of facilitated communication and intravenous chelation, Jabby will attempt to liberate vaccine-injured children around the world who have been imprisoned in their own bodies. Knievel says the voice cast of Jabby's Playhouse is packed with stars. "We've got Charlie Sheen and Alicia Silverstone. And the show's opening theme song is performed by Smashing Pumpkins lead singer Billy Corgan. Oh, and Jabby? That's right. Rob Schneider!"