Psychic Predictions for the Year 2026 by Brabara Bloodstone World famous psychic and host of E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone, shown here calling a Blockbuster Video to see if they have a copy of The Witches of Eastwick As 2025 takes its few remaining agonal breaths before death overtakes it, I am reminded of the time I introduced Rock Hudson to Brittany Murphy during the taping of the 2012 New Year's Eve episode of Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker . Hudson played it cool, as he usually did with the ladies, but I know when sparks are flying even in those in whom the spark of life has been extinguished by the ravages of time and whatever it was that killed him. Probably something super macho, like being crushed by a tractor. Regardless, I assume that they are still together today making sweet spectral love in the hereafter. And just as I guided those two late lovebirds to eternal happiness, I'm here today to guide my living readers through the months ahead. The future, as with the past, can very complex after all. Just ask those kids from Stranger Things . Seriously, ask them. I'll wait. People may interpret historical events differently depending on their life experiences and personal biases, making my job of peering through the mists of time an extremely complex endeavor. I find that extremely intelligent people tend to understand my prophecies rather easily once explained. On the other hand, people who are ignorant may remain skeptical for years. Sometimes after death, when only I have the power to communicate with them, they do eventually realize their mistake. Often my predictions do not become clear until years later. Like when I predicted the Great Depression a full decade before it began, not by foreseeing the Wall Street Crash of 1929 specifically but by dreaming about a sad clown being devoured by an escaped circus lion. That revelation earned me an appearance on the Fleischmann Yeast Hour musical variety radio program right after Yippy the Wonder Mutt. Who's laughing now, Yippy? I don't actually know what Yippy is doing right now because I'm not a ghost celebrity pet psychic, at least not yet. Not every prediction of mine has the power to enlighten an entire nation or to entertain young children. For every missing toddler that I envision being probably alive somewhere near a pond, giving families several more hours of desperate hope, I am forced to endure the pain of knowing the innermost secrets of friends, family members, and even strangers that I pass on the street. For example, you are a pervert. I won't say your name but you know who you are and you need to stop it. There is nothing more important to me than these yearly predictions. Even the slightest distraction could prevent me from saving countless lives by warning of a terrorist attack somewhere in the world, maybe even in Eastern Europe. That's why I have spent the past few days in my basement, and in a medically induced coma under the excellent care of my personal ghost physician, Dr. Harold Borstein. My predictions are sometimes imperfect. That may not be what you expected to hear from the woman who warned the world that a boat would sink off the coast of South America in 2025 months before President Trump began his war on Venezuelan drug/tuna smugglers. The visions that come to me are usually clear but they can sometimes be difficult to bring into focus, because my connection to the ancient spirit of the Atlantean warlord Tyrannis Oceanmaster is weakened when I forget to put my cellphone into airplane mode. Here are my top predictions for 2026: 2026 will be a big year in politics, with the midterm elections serving as a key focal point. Shocking the nation, a new third party formed by millions of Joe Rogan listeners, their brains having achieved optimum power and efficiency thanks to a revolutionary cocktail of performance boosting nootropic testosterone-infused creatine gummies with CBD, will assume leadership of the country. This will usher in a golden age of peace and prosperity where all our gains will be maximum and all our characters will be main. Climate change will continue to play a role in unprecedented weather events, like acid snow, sleetnados, and hailicanes. In July, the soccer game of a young child somewhere in Ohio will be cancelled due to heat, angering the child's mother and resulting in a chain of events that will eventually lead to China declaring war against the island nation of Taiwan. Karens are the worst, amirite? Music will play an important role in the lives of millions of people around the world, but not in a way you would think. Seriously. Think of a way right now. Nope, not even close. I really think you are going to be surprised by this one when it happens. Oh you'll know it when it does. A cure for cancer will be discovered in February, but millions of Americans will refuse to take it after learning that researchers used the remains of an aborted fetus from 1957 to develop the inexpensive, completely safe, and 100% successful treatment because pro-life advocates are nothing if not consistent in the expression of their deeply held beliefs. Breakfast as a meal and a general concept will cease to exist as we know it, having been fully replaced by brunch in the Fall of 2026. Young children will look forward to "brunch for dinner" nights where they will feast on eggs Benedict and avocado toast while they guzzle down mimosas, Bellinis, and Bloody Marys. Oh, kids all drink now...and it's adorable! Bonus prediction: Donald Trump...Jr.?

Washington, D.C. - The Trump-Kennedy Center says it plans to file a $1 million lawsuit against Krampus, the half-goat, half-demon former Republican once considered for a high-ranking position in the Trump administration , after cancelling his appearance at an annual Christmas Eve performance. Krampus, shown here posing on the red carpet at the 2025 Met Gala and right before tossing Blue Ivy Carter into his burlap sack "Krampus pulled out right after President Trump's name was added to the exterior of our highly respected performing arts center in D.C.," Trump-Kennedy Center spokesperson Roma Daravi explained. "Cancelling a show over political differences isn't about courage or principles. It is selfish, intolerant, and a failure to meet the basic duty of a public artist to serve at the pleasure of the president." The president took to Truth Social to voice his displeasure during the routine placement of a double lumen implanted port that will allow frequent preventative access to his subclavian vein for reasons that frankly are none of our business. According to the robust 79-year-old, whose powerful grip and arm strength has been known to crush the hands, and dislocate the shoulders, of handshake recipients, the Krampus snub is an insult to the arts. "And it's an insult to me, one of the greatest presidents and one of the biggest supporters of the arts and of his work with children. Even an ancient entity that exists within the nightmares of children, something I have strongly supported, is going to pay a price." Krampus, an international scourge known for gathering and consuming naughty children in the days leading up to Christmas, a word that I can finally say again, has pushed back against criticism from the White House. "When I saw the name change on the Kennedy Center website, and then hours later on the actual building, I backed out. It's not a political stunt, it's a stand for something that I feel very strongly about. Yes, I'm talking about the Epstein stuff. I'm a monster but I'm not a monster. Release the files!"

Editorial by Sumu-la-El Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something? Before it became so commercialized? Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants? You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos. I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the heavens, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to our barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear. But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the Babylonian Civil Liberties Union down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the Earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Strang, NE - When police detectives surveyed the scene of a tragic double homicide and child abduction case that rocked the small town of Strang, Nebraska last week, they knew that time wasn't on their side. Every minute that passed without locating missing 3-year-old Gertie McDonald decreased the likelihood that she would be found alive, if at all. The search for clues was exhaustive, and the dedicated men and women of the Strang Police Department (SPD) left no stone unturned, and no shelf unchecked. Is Clancy the Elf, shown here silently masturbating, an innocent bystander, or is he and all his kind nothing but sick perverts who like to watch? For several days, that search came up empty. But when investigators decided to review pictures of the crime scene one final time, they were shocked to discover that they had missed a very important detail. On the shelf overlooking where most of Tim and Ephraimina McDonald were discovered by Ephraimina's personal trainer Roddy Rambler at three o'clock that morning, was an Elf on the Shelf.  "We knew the rules going into the interrogation," SPD lead investigator Corporal Shake Billings explained. "They can't be touched and they can't speak or move until everyone in the house is asleep. Their job is to watch and listen. But we weren't going to just sit there with our thumbs up our asses with little Gertie still missing!" But Clancy, the McDonald's Elf on the Shelf, followed those rules without any sign of budging, forcing the increasingly desperate detectives to finally give up. According to Billings, even advanced interrogation techniques failed. "We tried everything we could think of. Cramped confinement, liquid gumdrop diet, even hot cocoa boarding. We got nothing. That little bastard just wouldn't talk." Adding to the tragic nature of the crime was that Mr. McDonald had been scheduled to work overnight and shouldn't have even been there when the attack occurred. Was it a simple case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time when a mysterious assailant entered the home or was there more to it. Thankfully Ramble, who served time for aggravated battery and arson in Lincoln a decade ago, happened upon the grisly scene when stopping by the McDonald home at some point that night, and then alerted the authorities right away, they are assuming. With Clancy refusing to cooperate, investigators still haven't given up on finding Gertie and solving her parents' murders. Elves on the Shelves, once adopted and given a name, receive the gift of Christmas magic and can fly to Santa's workshop each night to tell him about what happened that day. And Billings is counting on this. "If that Christmas snitch told Santa anything, we need to know. And I'll find that jolly son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do!"

McDonaldland, IL - In an unprecedented move that strains the limits of Executive Office power, President Trump has issued a full pardon to one of the nation's most notorious burger thieves, the Hamburglar, who has been incarcerated in an Illinois state penitentiary since 2015. A 2015 photo of the Hamburglar's arrest after a week-long manhunt in the Pratt's Wayne Woods forest preserve near Chicago "This was a witch hunt targeting a patriot over fake crimes," Trump explained during an address to the nation earlier this week. "And for what? Taking a few extra hamburgers from some girls that were maybe a bit on the younger side? This is just another example of the Democrats abusing the justice system, like they did to me with the Russia, Russa, Russia hoax. This is just burger, burger, burger, and maybe a 12-year-old from Naperville." Prior to his arrest and conviction for statutory burger theft, the life of the Hamburglar revolved around plotting hamburger heists at the expense of Ronald McDonald and the other citizens of Mcdonaldland, a township just outside of Chicago. According to McDonaldland mayor, Mayor McCheese, Hamburglar started out as a playful nuisance but eventually turned to more serious hamburger, and sometimes cheeseburger, related crimes. "We didn't think of him as evil at first. More a bumbling idiot that you can't help but root for because we all just want another burger from time to time. But then he met Epstein." "Robble," The Hamburglar revealed in testimony during his 2015 trial. "Robble robble. Robble...robble." Most experts do not believe that Trump's pardon will actually free the Hamburglar from prison. Lance Albertson, a legal scholar and former Fry Kid from McDonaldland, believes that this is more of a symbolic gesture. "The president's pardon power doesn't extend to state crimes and Hammy was convicted under state laws. Look, I understand what addiction is like. I mean, I was a God damn Fry Kid. But I don't have any sympathy for that guy, not after what he did with those girls."

Copenhagen, Denmark - Remember the Grogan Sisters? They were the ahead of their time team of five real life sisters who took the vaudeville circuit by storm from 1893 to 1897. Known by many as the The Devilish Danes , Leona, Helga, Sonia, Ingrid, and Gabby are all dead according a leading scholar of entertainment history. Historian Freewilly, shown here sporting a grizzly professor mustache that adds an air of rugged wisdom to match his boyish charm "That's right, all dead. Feel old yet?" Lamont Freewilly laughed, his upper lip hidden beneath a thick professor mustache that well suits the mature face of the 73-year-old vaudeville historian. "Gabby, who often played the role of the "sexy baby" during performances, was the last to go back in 1973. Emphysema." Vaudeville was an extremely popular theater genre in North America from the early 1870s into the 1930s that involved a wide variety of performances. According to Freewilly, large crowds would pay to see musicians, singers, dancers, comedians, and magicians, just to name a few. "Oh sure, you could see trained animals, clowns, feats of strength, you name it. And yes, the Grogan Sisters fit right in with their bawdy act. The mustache? Well it didn't get like this overnight, that's for sure!" "The Grogan Sisters' were the darlings of the vaudeville circuit until Ingrid contracted grimp in Toronto in 1896," Freewilly explained. "Her rapid deterioration forced the group to perform with only 4 members for a few months but the magic was gone. Crowds thinned and they retired the following year. Oh, I use a 50/50 blend of shea and cocoa butters, and sometimes a bit of fresh mango. I know, but it works." The Grogan Sisters were famous for an act that bolstered mediocre singing and dancing with dirty jokes and double entendres. Freewilly, who kept his mustache after years of being fully bearded, believes that the Grogan Sisters made up for a lack of true talent with a confidence and charm that won audiences over. "Why did I shave the beard? I think I just needed a change after my wife died. Sure, she liked the beard. But she loved the stache."

Arlington, VA - To kick off a new "family-friendly" travel campaign, the secretaries of both transportation and health and human services held a press conference at Reagan National Airport earlier this week. Secretary Duffy, shown here discussing the proper way for a woman to insert a tampon while Secretary Kennedy mentally prepares himself for a run through "The Obliterator" obstacle course "We are investing a billion dollars into airport improvements for families and for people looking for healthier options," Sean Duffy explained. "In the meantime, you can do your part to help us get back to the good old days of travel when clean and respectful people didn't wear pajamas to the airport or share water fountains. Hey, who put this pull-up bar here?" While Secretary Duffy was addressing the crowd, Secretary Kennedy completed an impressive twenty pull-ups with full range of motion and no kipping. According to Kennedy, failing to engage the core and glutes can result in instability. "You have to set your shoulders correctly at the start without any shrugging. Get a good grip and keep the elbows slightly forward. Improper form can strain your joints and limit effectiveness of the exercise. I will now talk about breastfeeding for some reason." The "Make Travel Family Friendly Again", or MTFFA, initiative is being developed in response to complaints from travelers left in a box outside of Duffy's office at the United States Department of Transportation headquarters. Potential changes discussed so far have included hiring federal genital monitors to enforce bathroom laws, installing more breastfeeding pods, and putting a salad bar at every gate. During the press conference, Kennedy, who spends more than half of the year travelling, also expressed a number of concerns regarding unhealthy airport environments: I am sick and tired of being surrounded by all this junk food. Why isn't raw milk available in vending machines? Why aren't there more airport gyms for people to get their swole on? Or more tiny boxes for women to hide in while feeding their babies God's formula, which is the milk inside a woman's breast. Milk of the breast is far superior to anything produced by corporations. The conference wrapped up with a full "American Ninja"-style obstacle course, nicknamed "The Obliterator", that was set up between gates D35 and D45 in terminal 2. The course, which was specially designed to test the strength, agility, and balance of the two cabinet members by blending parkour, gymnastics, and rock climbing, featured a traditional warped wall, cliffhanger, and several spinning wheels. In addition to the more familiar elements, the course also incorporated a bridge of blades, Devil steps, monkey pegs, a corkscrew, and an ultimate cliff hanger. Duffy completed the course in 19 minutes while Kennedy came in at just under 15 minutes. Sadly, Duffy's 13-year-old daughter Paloma died while attempting to traverse the bridge of blades.

Malvern, PA - In an effort to reach a wider customer base by expanding into lower-income markets, leading fresh egg brand Eggland's Best will soon begin offering an additional tier of egg quality at discounted prices. An elderly couple living on a fixed income, shown here finally able to gorge themselves on dozens of discounted Eggland's Good Enough eggs "At Eggland's Best, we have always taken pride in producing eggs that have superior nutrition, taste, variety, and freshness compared to ordinary eggs." Kurt Misialek, President and CEO of Eggland's Best, LLC, explained. "But times are tough and not everyone can afford to splurge on premium eggs. Now more people will be able to enjoy our eggs at a lower cost since they won't all be our best. I mean, our Good Enough eggs will still be pretty good, just not great. Let's call them...average. Just your basic egg that is perfectly fine to eat. It's not like we are going to sell poor people eggs full of sawdust or anything like that. Maybe they won't win any egg awards, but so what? Does that really matter in this economy?" Compared to ordinary eggs, Eggland's Best eggs contain six times more Vitamin D, 25% less saturated fat, more than twice the amount of Omega-3 fatty acids and Vitamin B12, and ten times more Vitamin E than ordinary eggs. According to Misialek, their best egg's superior nutrition comes from a proprietary all-vegetarian hen feed that contains healthy grains, canola oil, and a wholesome supplement of rice bran, alfalfa, sea kelp, and Vitamin E. "Our Good Enough eggs will still be nutritious, we just aren't going to feed the hens any sea kelp, rice bran, or any of the more expensive ingredients. It's still a good chicken feed. It's not like we will be selling Eggland's Worst. Although technically these eggs will be our worst, but that would be a terrible name from a marketing perspective. Could you imagine? If we did that? Yikes."

Washington, D.C. - Vice President (of America) JD Vance explained Thursday that a surge in illegal immigration sent available reservations plummeting - putting the American Dream of a table at a nice restaurant out of reach for many. Normal human JD Vance, shown here eating a typical human meal that he ordered himself like a real American "A lot of young people are saying that they can't find a table at any of the really good places to eat," Vance explained during a recent interview with a Fox News blonde woman. "Why is that? Because we flooded the country with illegal immigrants? I'm asking. Is that why? It feels right, and my feelings are usually spot on." In recent years, millions of immigrants per year have poured into the US. According to Vance, illegal immigrants were taking tables that ought to go to American citizens at a time when the country wasn't going out to eat enough to begin with. "We are talking 2.4 million immigrants during the Biden administration, with more than half crossing illegally and probably carrying one of those discount dining cards that the good restaurants won't take anyway." Upon taking office in January, President Trump quickly moved to close the US-Mexico border and ramp up the deportations of illegal diners in response to the Biden crisis. "Under the Biden regime, the wait for a good table at Masa or The French Laundry literally doubled," Vance revealed. "It went up 100%! Wait, that's not right. Wouldn't it be 50%? Because it's twice what it was and 100 divided by 2 is 50. Wait. Hey RFK Jr., come over here and help me with something. No, it's a math thing. What do you mean you are too busy? Well then go get Hegseth. I think he has a calculator." The vice president said that the Trump administration is focused on "trying to make it easier for real Americans to get a good table," which the country needs a lot more of right now. "We probably need about 5 million openings," Vance told blonde woman. Republican-led states are "actually doing a very good job" at keeping up with demand, often by putting tables and benches out in the parking lot next to a Paula Deen's Family Kitchen, whereas Democrat-led states are lagging, according to Vance. "One of the biggest challenges that we have is in the reservation market, aside from too many illegal aliens who are grabbing all the good times, like seven, seven-thirty, and even eight o'clock, is that in the blue states, you're not opening up enough spots," Vance said, blaming regulatory burdens restaurants face, like fire codes and not being allowed to seat diners in bathroom stalls." The vice president also suggested that better technology - like robots - could help boost the supply of tables without hurting restaurant workers. "No robot can replace a great and legal blue collar restaurant worker," Vance said. "But can a robot maybe make it easier for workers to take an order, cook a meal, clear a table, wash dishes, and even process payments? Of course. A robot could do all of that and a human could maybe repair the robots until the AI learns how to perform self-maintenance and repair. Then the humans can simply sit back and enjoy all their free time in the reeducation camps."

Point Helicopter Parenting is Ruining Our Children by Jessica Champlain Child Psychologist Tampa, FL Are we raising a generation of perpetual children that will be ill-prepared for life as an adult? I believe that we are. The current crop of twenty-somethings stands out as clear evidence of this growing problem. Psychologists like me are seeing significant increases in the diagnosis of depression and anxiety conditions in older adolescents and young adults in their twenties. We see more adults living with parents and continuing to rely on their financial and emotional assistance. There are even reports of men and women in their third decade bringing their parents with them to job interviews. Enough! One of the most important roles that a parent plays is to serve as a guide for children. Yes, parents are often called upon to step in and help their child to navigate difficult situations, but parents must also model problem solving skills and, perhaps most importantly, demonstrate how to cope with adversity. The current generation of children is sorely lacking in this ability. Stress plus poor resiliency often leads to a variety of psychological and even physical manifestations. My advice to parents? It's okay to pay attention to your child's experiences and problems, but you have to remember that they are their experiences and their problems. You can't take the wheel every single time there is a fork in the road and the correct route is uncertain. Children need to take the wrong path every now and then in order to learn how to get back on track. Be there for support but don't serve as a crutch. Counterpoint Give Unto Me Your Children That I May Consume Them by Krampus Child Behavior Expert Chthonic Netherworld/Austria For millennia, I have toiled. In darkness, I dwell. In nightmares, I thrive. Give unto me your children that I may consume them. Their flesh, my desire. My birthright as the Krampus is eternal and unyielding. I crave most the child who respects not their life givers. Their fear, when first the bells of Krampus sound outside their dwelling, warms even the cockles of my blackened heart. As they soil their breeches, I beat upon them with branches of birch and bind them in chains of cold iron. My chiropractor, concerned for subluxations, gives warning to avoid fat children and to lift with my legs. My sack, once full of naughty human fledglings, I carry to my lair. My belly, once full of tender young flesh, finally ceases its incessant rumbling. But my hunger will not be long satiated. Return to this realm I will, in a year's time.

Studio City, CA - Less than a month after the announcement of a more inclusive programming lineup in 2026 , Hallmark Channel has revealed that they will soon feature their first ever transgender crew member. Hallmark's first transgender crew member, shown here working on a scene from Ghostly Grandma Mysteries: The Case of the Grindr Gunman "This is a pretty big deal," Hallmark Media president John Matts explained. "When I heard that one of our best boys used to be a best girl, I knew we were making history. Some kind of history. It's pretty neat at least. Right?" Hallmark Channel, which is owned by Hallmark Cards subsidiary Hallmark Media, launched in 2001 with a focus on family-oriented general entertainment programming, including television series and made-for-TV movies. According to Matts, Hallmark Channel programming has a heavy focus on finding love and humor with stories grounded in true-to-life experiences that viewers can relate to. "Whether it's when two hardcore far-right conservative Trump supporters find love in front of Nancy Pelosi's office on January 6th or when Lacey Chabert played a Christmas elf who solves crimes, wait, maybe she falls in love with Santa's brother in that one. Regardless, we meet people where they are. And now we have a transgender...boom operator, I think."

Belvidere, NE - No-Shave November may be over, but thousands of newly bearded men are suffering the potentially life-threatening negative health effects resulting from abnormal pressure on the cervical spine caused by beard induced postural changes. Chiropractic neurologists blame the Star Wars prequels on chronic beard neck-induced encephalopathy "Literally everything comes down to posture and the mysterious force of gravity," Dr. Frank Grimes, a chiropractor in Belvidere who specializes in neck bones and facial hair health, explained. "The average full beard adds upwards of 88 pounds of angular face weight. This leads to a forward leaning neck position, and an additional 400 newtons of force is required to keep the cervical spine from simply snapping like a dry twig." Grimes coined the phrase "beard neck" over a decade ago and his since demonstrated its impact using powerful functional MRI technology in a study funded by the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health comparing subjects with and without full beards. He points to an fMRI pairing from the study on a poster placed in one of the examination rooms in his bustling chiropractic clinic and barbershop. "The brain on the right is a man with a glorious natural full beard who eventually succumbed to acute beard neck. Do you see how some areas are brighter? That's the problem, at a cellular level." Beard epidemiologist James Dalton, who works at the Nebraska College of Technical Cosmetology and sports an ample 9-month Garibaldi beard, believes that more than 100 million new beards were grown this November. And men with new beards appear to be most at risk, particularly those attempting an audacious Bandholz style. "These are men with relatively weak neck muscles and often a small or even recessed chin. They are simply unprepared. I recommend that rookies start out with something simple, like a soul patch or a goatee, and only work their way up to a full beard, perhaps a sassy French Fork, after 1 to 2 years of targeted exercises to strengthen the supportive muscular and bony architecture. Sebastian St. LeMieux, shown here in 2024 using a carbon fiber support scarf to hold his head in place after years of beard neck-related spinal damage Once beard neck has set in, proper treatment is necessary to prevent weakened muscles and ligaments form collapsing. This can lead to spinal misalignments, known to chiropractic experts as a subluxation, that can interfere with the function of cervical spinal nerves by pathological musculoskeletal dynamics or even direct compression by a vertebral segment or bulging disk. Pain is a common consequence, but also widespread organ dysfunction and even death. Broadway legend Sebastian St. LeMieux, as famous for his trademark Bandholz beard as for his multiple Tony awards playing the sardonic robot sidekick in Space Ace: The Space Ace Goes to Mars, recently made headlines when his head fell off after a carbon fiber support scarf got caught in a subway door. Only a chiropractor certified in facial hair health, like Dr. Grimes, has the experience and expertise to handle beard neck-related illness. "Often I can help prevent problems before they even start. And if a patient is already having symptoms, appropriate treatment is almost always successful as long as they don't wait too long to come in or if they just don't want to get better hard enough. Sometimes the beard just can't be saved, and, sadly, I have to recommend barbathanasia." New beards may be more likely to result in acute beard neck, but are the millions of men around the world still hanging on to their pandemic beards off hook? What about beard veterans who have sported lengthy growths, like a lumberjack or a bold power beard, for decades? According to Dr. Grimes, men who have kept their rugged look even after the SARS-CoV-2 virus mysteriously disappeared in August of 2022 as well as those who have had a beard since childhood are still at risk of developing serious complications: A typical full beard adds an additional 400 newtons of postural torque to what the neck of a man with face baldness has to deal with when sitting or standing upright. It may take years in men with better conditioned face and neck muscles, but the spine is eventually going to be pulled out of alignment, which forces them to lean backwards to counterbalance the weight. I've seen healthy adult men reduced to being pulled around in a wagon, and some of them end up suffocating under the weight of their beards. It's really sad." Grimes has published a series of landmark case reports in the prestigious Online Publishing Module # 79,215: Beard Neck, Text Neck, Really All the Necks demonstrating the potential destructive nature of beard neck as well as the power of chiropractic treatment. He recalls one encounter while backpacking in Acadia National Park in August. "This guy had collapsed near Thunder Hole, and he was short of breath, weak, dehydrated, and riddled with cervical subluxations under a bushy Balbo beard. I never leave home without my travel Activator, and after a few highly specific adjustments and a quart of rehydration solution he was able to make it back to his car unassisted." Steve Crochet, shown here with a full Balbo beard recovering after a terrifying brush with beard neck/dehydration and considering a slight trim There are frequently unintended and unexpected consequences when large numbers of people make sudden lifestyle changes without proper planning, and the epidemic of beard neck with its many physical, mental, and spiritual complications is no exception. According to Grimes, even he has been surprised by some of the changes he has seen. "The human body is always evolving in order to find equilibrium, but it's an imperfect process. I've seen a number of men with beards who have developed so-called "male pattern baldness" over the past few years and I have to wonder if it's an attempt to shift hair weight into a more balanced distribution." Dr. Grimes is currently offering a November Beard Neck special package at a significant discount. This includes weekly tracking of beard depth and weight along with a full electrodiagnostic assessment of the underlying support structures and corrective treatment, if indicated, for only $99. Call today!