Trump Vows to Unravel Enduring Magnet Mystery

Washington, D.C. - President Trump on Tuesday named the first national magnet czar in a move to focus efforts on improving our understanding of the mysterious objects as scientists around the world remain baffled and manufacturers continue to incorporate them into an ever-increasing variety of technological marvels without knowing what they are or how they work.

President Trump, shown here nearly taken down by...magnets? We can't know for sure because they are so mysterious. But yes!

"Now, nobody knows what a magnet is," Trump explained during a recent Oval Office press conference. "If you don't have a magnet, you don't have a car. You don't make a computer; you don't make televisions and radios and all the other things. You don't make anything."

China has developed a stranglehold on magnets over the past few decades because of a natural abundance of key natural resources and the development of necessary processing and manufacturing capabilities. According to Trump, the naming of a magnet czar is only one aspect of his plan to push back against Chinese dominance. "It's a 30-year effort to monopolize a very important thing. Now, in two years, we'll have magnets, all the magnets we want. Because of tariffs, listen I called, I said you're going to play the magnet, we're going to play the tariff on you."

Ever since the first magnet was discovered during an expedition deep into the Congolian rainforest by French adventurers searching for the mythical Fountain of Middle Adulthood, researchers have worked day and night on unraveling how they work. According to newly appointed magnet czar Chaz McBang, who will resign from his role as Fox News science and technology correspondent and host of the channel's late-night science and celebrity gossip program, McBang and Rotating Blond Woman, magnets an incredibly powerful tool. "One side pulls stuff to it. The other side pushes stuff away. But how? And most importantly. But why? I assume it's God, but we need to know for sure in order to fully harness the power...of magnets!"

You may be wondering what will become of us if we are unable to decipher the true meaning behind magnets. I sure as Hell am! Don't worry too much, however, because Trump revealed a contingency plan that relies on the threat of mutual assured destruction should China get any big ideas. "All I know about magnets is this, give me a glass of water, let me drop it on the magnets, that's the end of the magnets."