Chiropractic Particle Physicists Announce Major Breakthrough in Subluxation Science

Geneva, Switzerland - Top chiropractic particle physicists working at the European Organization for Nuclear Research in Geneva have announced the successful creation of a subluxon, the subatomic building block of the chiropractic subluxation, for the first time since their discovery in 2015.

Actor Morgan Freeman, shown here preparing to reprise the role of Jasper St. Benjamin, a particle physicist who develops strange powers and learns to love again, in Particle Man 2: Quantum Entanglement

"This is a huge step forward in our quest to fully understand the subluxation," chiropractor and 9th level particle physicist Frank Grimes explained. "In 2015, we indirectly detected subluxons during experiments using the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). Now we can create them artificially, but they decay almost as soon as they form. The next step is achieving an island of stability so that they can be properly studied."

Published this week in Online Publishing Module #17,804 - Chiropractic Particle Physics and Gluten-Free Cake Recipes, the process that resulted in the creation of the mysterious particle took several years to develop and refine. According to Grimes, the team used a proprietary method developed during a weekend conference at the airport Howard Johnson in Newark. "I really wish I could tell you all about it, I really do. Because it's pretty cool. You definitely don't learn this kind of advanced science in medical school."

Standing on the farthest edge of humanity's ability to grasp the complexity of the natural world, often fighting against an entrenched prejudice from the medical community, which is just jealous, is something that chiropractors are accustomed to. They know that they are working under a spotlight. Grimes, however, isn't in the business of offering false hope. "Sure, I hope all my experiments at the LHC work out. That's important to me and it's important to my patients. But physics doesn't care about my feelings."

The ability to experimentally create stable subluxons could have myriad benefits for human health, including earlier detection of subluxations and improved therapies. Grimes has theorized that spinal adjustments at the subatomic level could result in a more stable spine and a fully optimized nervous system. "What if we could predict the occurrence of a subluxation before it caused lower back pain, headaches, asthma, or the occasional extra chromosome 13 and prevent the damage from ever occurring, maybe with a quantum activator or just a good thump to the spine with my fist? That would definitely win me a Palmy or two. Oh, those are like our Nobel prize."

Dr. Grimes is currently offering a Fall Into Health! package through the end of November that includes a subluxons level along with x-rays and a full body grab 'n yank for only $59. He'll even knock 10% off his Maintenance Madness! package if you sign up for at least 6 months!