Phoenix, AZ - Cosmeceutical researchers at the prestigious University of Phoenix have announced that if current trends of worsening global climate change continue, the world may soon be depleted of novel ingredients for use in anti-aging creams, facial moisturizers, hair conditioners, nail rejuvenators, holistic bio-protectors, and topically applied body detoxifiers by the year 2030. A 97-year-old woman, shown here during her daily application of a topical anti-aging cream made from bioresonant quantum nanoparticles of raw skink oil "This is something that all of us working in the field today need to be very concerned about," lead researcher Dr. Robert Bibble, MD, ND, DAOM, RD, who is both a certified herbal psychologist and a Level 3 naturopathic midwife, explained. "As it currently stands, we are pretty much down to yak urine and pigeon chyme. We are cresting the ridge of peak ingredient and will soon begin a steep and catastrophic plummet. Oh, that's good. You've got to use that." Even as Dr. Bibble is calling for aggressive measures to combat climate change and industry-wide regulations on the number of new ingredients allowed per product, some experts aren't buying into his doomsday scenario of a world with seafront property in Michigan and cosmeceutical products containing only active ingredients with legitimate evidence for their safety and efficacy. Azriel Gunderson, a clinical cosmetician and director of Body Essentials Day Spa in Sedona, isn't worried. "We are pioneering the field of nanocosmeceuticals, which are formulated with proprietary, state-of-the-art nanotechnologies such as dynamic intradermal organic nanovehicles. Our nanocosmeceuticals will implement innovation in a nanoformulation of previously exploited botanicals and other natural ingredients so that we will be able to milk this stuff for decades."

Palm Beach, FL - During a recent press conference held on the grounds of the Mar-a-Lago resort in Palm Beach, club employee and United States presidential candidate Donald Trump announced that he will begin selling non-fungible tokens (NFT) of all his previous and upcoming rallies. An NFT of the January 6th, 2021 tour of the U.S. Capitol building by Trump supporters recently sold to an Elon M. for $50 million. No, that's too obvious. Let's call him E. Musk. "President Trump will retain all intellectual property rights related to each event and any unique aspect such as the event's concepts, themes, designs, decorations, artworks, animations, branding, or products," Trump's legal spokesperson Alina Habba explained. "But each NFT will prove ownership of the fact that the rally happened, which is a priceless opportunity to be a part of this history-making campaign." An NFT is a unique digital identifier recorded on a blockchain and used to certify ownership and authenticity. According to the former president during the press conference, these rally NFTs will be a one-of-a-kind verifiable digital asset that will continue to increase in value for the foreseeable future. "Because Marxist socialist Comrade Kamala is ruining this country. It's a terrible thing. Like nothing anyone has ever seen. And it wouldn't have happened. One phone call. I make one phone call and on day one. I say I'm going to be a dictator for just one day. And the wall. And what about those pets that the migrants are eating. The cats and the dogs. But really this is about tariffs. They are a beautiful thing. I love that word. Tariffs."

Near Oxford - An elite team of some of the smartest professors in England working day and night for the past several months has finally solved one of the most challenging puzzles of the modern political era: former president Donald Trump's decades-long oratorical weaving together of thousands of seemingly disparate topics into a complete and fully cohesive narrative. Donald Trump, shown here in 2024 brilliantly coming back around to a thing he once said about those people with falafel carts in Manhattan in 1979 "To some people it sounds more and more like gibberish every day," Barnaby O'Toole, the third ranked professor in England, who is also an English professor, explained. "Some have even mistakenly called his speeches the rambling spoken narrative of a malignant narcissist with worsening dementia, but he is just referencing things they don't remember or fully understand. Frankly it is like an ant trying to understand quantum physics." During a recent political rally, Trump precisely detailed his preternatural ability to piece together a variety of topics that appear unrelated to listeners with lesser intellects: You know, I do the weave. You know what the weave is? I'll talk about like nine different things, and they all come back brilliantly together, and it's like, friends of mine that are, like, English professors, they say, 'It's the most brilliant thing I've ever seen.' As is often the case when facing a highly complex problem containing a near infinite number of variables, dedicated scholarly liberal arts research has now uncovered the absolute truth. According to O'Toole, the former president is a genius when it comes to connecting dots within a single speech or between many speeches, sometimes waiting years or even decades to reveal the overarching point he is making. "He gets off a subject to mention another little tidbit. Then he gets back onto the subject, and he goes through this, and he does it for two hours or even two decades, and he doesn't even mispronounce one word."

Washington, D.C. - JD Vance, the regular human Republican candidate for vice-president, has announced that he plans to consider improving the nation's childbirth rates as a top priority should the Trump-Vance ticket win in November. A conservative parent explaining to a child that only little girls who don't want a baby sister get routine immunizations "One thing that keeps me up at night in the couch, and I think Democrats and Republicans should all be worried, is that we have some real demographic problems in our country," Vance explained while waiting in line to order a normal amount and variety of donuts at the Dunkin' on Massachusetts Avenue. "Real American families, and by that I mean the white ones, just aren't having enough children. I think that some of the horrible things we are doing to these parents is driving down the number of units they are willing to contribute to the domestic supply of infants, like forcing them to put toddlers in a car seat, make their school-aged children wear bike helmets, or store deli meat in the refrigerator instead of on a shelf in the pantry. Experts are not all in agreement over the cause of the declining birth rates in the United States. Dr. Mort Fishman, MD, a pediatrician practicing human medicine in Forth Worth, believes that the problem is complex and multifactorial. "Look. I support some common sense safety regulations. I mean, who wants their kid to end up with two stubs because the wood chipper they got for Christmas didn't have a warning sticker on it. But is the marginal benefit of a child not being hurled through the front windshield really worth making parents much, much more miserable?"

Centennial, CO - With Chief Justice John Roberts and Brett Kavanaugh joining the three liberals, the Supreme Court has handed down a shocking 5-4 ruling in favor of the National Cattlemen's Beef Association (NCBA) that opens the door for more non-dairy milks to flood the market. NCBA president Eisele, shown here with his collection of Wellington boots while wearing his signature bowler hat "This isn't just a win for beef," NCBA president Mark Eisele explained. "This is a win for chicken farmers, oyster harvesters, and just about anyone producing pretty much anything that can be blended into a consumable liquid product. Blimey, you could probably sell Play-Doh milk now. Oh, sorry. I mean...yee-haw? Is that right?" The NCBA is an American trade association and lobbying group working for American beef producers and has been fighting the FDA to get beef milk on store shelves for over a decade. According to the new ruling, non-dairy and non-plant foods can now be sold in liquid form with the "milk" label as long as the label clearly provides the source and a disclaimer if the nutritional content is significantly different from dairy milk. This paves the way for a variety of non-traditional milks to potentially benefit from the health halo long associated with dairy products. This glass of chicken milk required half a chicken to produce. But which half? How do these new products compare to cow's milk? That's a stupid question but we asked food psychiatrist and nutritional anthropologist Kimb Sheen. "You can't go wrong with a tall glass of chicken milk. One cup has as much amalgamated globulant as traditional milk with twice the obamamino acids. And it tastes exactly like what you would expect. Not great."

Amherst, NY - After a recent viral segment on E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker where self-proclaimed psychic and television personality Brabara Bloodstone claimed to have predicted the coronavirus pandemic in her 1992 book, Animal Angel Babies , some skeptical experts are speaking out. Brabara Bloodstone, host of the E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker, shown here ordering a new duvet cover from Bed Bath & Beyond "This is such an easily refutable myth," Ben Radford explained. "On page 92 of her book, right there in black and white, she predicted a worldwide outbreak of coorsyphilis. It never happened. There have been at most only a few cases, most of which were Matt Gaetz." Radford, an author of several books on unexplained mysteries, critical thinking, and clowns for some reason, has debunked a number of Bloodstone's precognitive claims in the past, like when she predicted the softening of the Catholic Church's stance on Bigfoot. According to Radford, who is the deputy editor of Skeptical Inquirer , a science magazine that focuses on a wide variety of pseudoscientific topics as well as cryptocurrency investment, it is important to remain open-minded when investigating unusual claims. "I don't deny the possible existence of psychic phenomena, and I'm a huge fan of the programming on E! Science Chanel, but I just haven't been impressed with her track record. Like when she predicted a 4th branch of the government made up of randomly chosen citizens, mandatory gay marriage in all 50 states, or allowing some plants, but mostly ferns, to vote."

Tallahassee, FL - When 11-year-old Clara Brandywine left her suburban Tallahassee home to go trick-or-treating for the first time without parental supervision last Halloween, her parents were worried about a lot of things. The possibility that their precious daughter would be kidnapped by a stranger, run over by a stranger while crossing the street, or eating a piece of candy that a stranger had filled with razor blades all made the list. But the last thing they were worried about was the liberal agenda and the possibility that she would be exposed to images or ideas contrary to their conservative worldview. A group of liberal heathen children, and one very small gay fireman, shown here pushing their demonic agenda on an unsuspecting conservative neighborhood in Pittsburgh "Clara came home full of candy, and full questions," Bucky Brandywine, Clara's father explained. "Why were those two men kissing? Why was that black woman dressed like a doctor? What is a Mr. Goodbar? I wanted to scream. We felt so...vulnerable." Though long considered a holiday with a liberal bias, and a history that seemingly goes against the beliefs of many conservative families, a group of parents in Florida is aiming to make Halloween a safe and educational celebration for their children. Their goal is to establish a number of safe zones across the city for conservative families to gather together. They want to celebrate the holiday, with all the costumes, candy, and decorations, while their children remain protected. "We knew that this wouldn't be easy," Conservative Families of Tallahassee (CFT) president Cindy Brandywine explained. "With the occult associations, and all the gays out there walking around practically in their birthday suits, many of us have never felt comfortable with letting our kids, or our husbands, participate. It was time to do something." On Halloween night, the CFT is planning to establish a perimeter around specific streets or even entire neighborhoods in the Tallahassee area. According to Brandywine, Halloween decorations, costumes, and even the types of candy being handed out will be tailored specifically for conservative families. "That's right. No ghosts, no witches, and no Zagnut bars. Essentially nothing that might get the attention of Satan or his minions." Though not an inclusive list, here are a few of the CFT Halloween Night safe zone guidelines: All costumes must align with a child's assigned sex at birth Costumes with cultural or educational value, like a civil war soldier, a Hobby Lobby cashier, or a police drug recognition expert, are encouraged All skittles must be segregated into groups of the same color before being placed into a bowl for handing out to children Home decorations may not include anything of an occult or supernatural nature, such as witches, ghosts, or Harry Potter characters, though life-size cardboard cutouts of J.K. Rowling are acceptable All adults in masks should be considered to be Matt Gaetz until proven otherwise

Arlington, VA - The United States Antibiotic Stewardship Enforcement Agency (ASEA) is warning parents to be on the lookout this Halloween for unnecessary antibiotics in their children's candy. A pile of loose antibiotics and candy recently confiscated at Los Angeles International Airport and containing enough clavulanic acid to cause diarrhea in every child in Pittsburgh "Halloween is one of the most exciting days of the year for many families," ASEA administrator Mike Lee, MD explained. "The last thing that a child or their caregivers should have to worry about is contributing to the development of extended-spectrum beta-lactamase producing bacteria that put us all at risk of living in a post-antibiotic hellscape of our own making." Dr. Lee and his colleagues at the ASEA are asking parents, grandparents, and even non-pedophile uncles to sort through any collected Halloween candy for potential loose antibiotics. "These pills, tablets, and capsules can resemble actual candy. Children are stupid and can easily confuse an oral third-generation cephalosporin with a tic tac, a Mike and Ike, or even a SweeTart. And don't get me started on those ceftaroline gummies. Why is everything a gummy these days? It's getting ridiculous! It's not just me...right?"

Mar-a-Lago - As the 2024 campaign for United States president enters the final stretch, former president Trump is promising to waive all taxes for loyal supporters of his campaign. Trump, shown here pointing to the back of the room before asking the audience if they can also see the old woman that has been slowly following him wherever he goes "There is nothing more un-American than paying taxes," Trump explained during a recent town hall event held in one front of his campaign staff and select January 6th participant spouses in one of the auxiliary storage sheds at Mar-a-Lago. "When I win, why should my patriotic supporters have to pay taxes? Like this very attractive woman right here standing next to Jared with the face and the body, she's a big fan folks, and the Democrat party is the pure evil, just pure evil, but the big beautiful tariffs, we love tariffs but she's a stupid person. Kamala. Ka-ma-la. She can't even say her own name right." A Trump-Vance campaign spokesperson later issued a clarification. According to the campaign, simply being a Trump supporter would not be enough to do away with a citizen's obligation to pay taxes. "They would need to provide notarized proof that they actually cast their vote for President Trump. And yes, he is very serious about this. It is going to happen."

Austin, TX - The Texas Office of Travel and Tourism (TOTT) has announced a new campaign aimed at promoting the state as a welcoming and safe place for most people. The "Texas, for a Lot of Us" campaign celebrates the somewhat diverse and inclusive nature of the state, with just a few simple exceptions like pregnant women, transgender children, legal immigrants and asylum seekers, the liberal media, and people with compassion and empathy, by featuring members from a variety of some communities in advertisements that will be positioned on highway billboards across the south and promoted on social media. Governor Abbott, shown here pointing out a woman in the audience who looks perfect for the breeding program that he has been working on for the past few years "At a time when other states, and you know which ones I'm talking about, are misguidedly focusing on what separates us, we are focusing on what unites us," Governor Gregg Abbott explained. "And in Texas we are united, for the most part, on being the kind of place where a lot of people can live, raise a normal family, visit legally, or build a business that doesn't support alternative lifestyles or put pretend genitals on birthday cakes." "We couldn't be more excited to see the roll out of this campaign to promote Texas as a year-round destination for a many people and an inclusive place for members of several communities," Lt Governor Dan Patrick revealed. "Honestly, I can hardly even think of that many different types of people that wouldn't fit right in here in Texas. Gosh, I guess if you put a gun to my head I could maybe think of a few groups, but most people are gonna be happy as a hog in mud to settle down here in the Lone Star State. And if you know any with good birthing hips, well they get priority." The "Texas, for a Lot of Us" campaign will include a variety of couples, even a few where one of them isn't white, photographed in locations throughout the state and featured on billboards that will run throughout the South. According to Governor Abbott, the tourism industry plays an important role in the state's economic health and prosperity. "This campaign encourages tourism throughout the state, reminding a decent percentage of people that they are welcome here. It's really all about loving where you live, where you visit, and who you travel with. That's what makes Texas special."

Norwich, VT - As the specter of Halloween draws ever closer, and parents all over the United States are bracing themselves for the potential loss of one or more children to fentanyl exposure while trick-or-treating, one woman is determined to keep the body count to a minimum in her small Vermont town. Halloween savior Linda Cook, shown here defiant in the face of a potential onslaught of fentanyl coated Halloween candy and right before masturbating to an episode of The Hallmark Channel's When Calls the Heart "I'm not going to let even one child in my town suffer and die because those greedy drug dealers want to give their drugs away for free this Halloween," Norwich Women's Club 2020 Citizen of the Year Linda Cook explained. "That's why instead of my usual raisins and toothbrushes, I'm handing out Narcan nasal spray." Norwich children may not be impressed by receiving a competitive mu-opioid receptor antagonist instead of a handful of their favorite fun-sized candies, but this lifesaving treat might be the only thing that stands between them and a drug dealer's deadly fentanyl-laced trick. According to police toxicologist Mort Fishman of the Miami Police Department's Halloween Threat Assessment and Response Task Force, parents need to be extra cautious this year. "Whether it's bringing your child's Halloween haul down to the station to have it tested for fentanyl by one of our highly trained detection dogs, or to the nearest emergency department to have it scanned for razor blades, there is nothing too extreme when it comes to protecting your child. Last year there were no children killed by free drugs in their candy, which makes me very nervous because that just means we're due for pile of 'em this year."

Boulder, CO - In a shocking revelation, the 7-year-old director of last year's celebrated documentary, Babies: Nature's Mystery Solved , has admitted to fabricating much of the evidence used in support of the film's primary claim. Mort Fishman, MD, an expert in spontaneous human materialization near Harvard, claims that his research was misrepresented in the Babies: Nature's Mystery Solved documentary "I made it up," Helmut Clump explained in an interview held during recess near the four square court earlier this week. "I made it all up, and I'm sorry. I don't know where babies come from. Nobody does." The film examines the many theories developed over the past few thousand years to explain the sudden appearance of infant humans, from spontaneous human materialization to the efforts of a worldwide conspiracy involving large birds. According to Clump, his work presents stories from the perspectives of older brothers and sisters who have been directly affected by a new arrival, as well as input from a variety of scientific experts. "It wasn't all scripted! Those kids were real and that was raw emotion. But the experts, the scientists, those were either paid actors or the interviews were edited beyond recognition." The question of where babies come from has a long and complicated history. During the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic, when many businesses were shut down, there was a significant decrease in the number of new babies across the United States. Though Clump relied on phony expert testimony and falsified data in his documentary, he believes that this decrease was not a coincidence and stands by the ultimate conclusion of his film that babies originate outside the home, perhaps in some kind of science lab or production facility. "Where did all the babies go," he wondered. "Maybe those facilities were shut down too. I know I'm on to something, something big, and I wanted people to listen. But I shouldn't have let my emotions get the better of me. I should have been more comfortable with the uncertainty in all of this."