Astrology Researchers Discover Epigenetic Influences of Your Birth Sign

Laguna Beach, CA - A complete mystery for thousands of years, the underlying mechanism at the heart of astrology may now be fully understood. But what is astrology? And what is epigenetics? I predict that the answers will be revealed in this article!*

An Epigenetic Astrologer, shown here demonstrating the ancient technique of rhinomancy, can predict a poopy diaper nearly half the time

"We set out to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the influences of the positions of the stars at birth on future health is epigenetic in nature," Tobias Tarkington, astrologer and Scientist-in-Residence at the Astrological Research Institute (ARI) in Laguna Beach, explained. "And we are so confident in the robustness of our findings that we are releasing them to the public immediately because a lengthy peer review process would just delay widespread societal benefit."

Epigenetics is the science of change at the level of individual DNA base pairs and in the cellular machinery that creates the proteins that make up the human body. According to Tarkington, this involves subtle yet immensely powerful energies determined by celestial alignments. "We have known about this influence on the human body for millennia, and now we know exactly how it works thanks to our exhaustive, year-long survey data."

The survey, sent to friends and relatives of ARI staff, involved a series of questions that relied on a bespoke Likert scale developed at ARI. Respondents were asked to specify their level of agreement or disagreement with a series of statements regarding the role of epigenetics in astrology. Tarkington says that his team was shocked by the results.

The survey was blinded and placebo controlled because subjects in Pool A didn't know any of the subjects in Pool B to the best of our knowledge, and every 5th survey sent out was just a blank piece of paper. With methodology like that, we didn't need to waste time calculating a p-value. In fact, we didn't need any math at all!

Survey response after survey response revealed a powerful connection between astrology and epigenetic mechanisms, such as DNA methylation, histone modification, non-coding RNA, and biohacking. Dr. Mort Fishman, an astrologeneticist practicing near Johns Hopkins Hospital, says that despite not directly altering the DNA sequence, epigenetic mechanisms can regulate gene expression through chemical modifications of DNA bases and changes to chromosomal superstructures in which DNA is packaged. "Learning that these mechanisms largely depend on the movements and positions of the stars, moons, and planets really makes sense as someone who has been making a living telling that to people already."

Inch by inch and step by step, progress in our understanding of the natural world usually comes in small but meaningful increments. Every now and then there is a leap forward. At the end of the day, this new research provides a more solid foundation for generations of future scientists working in relevant medical fields, like astrologenetics, gastrology, astropuncture, and space chiropractic, to build on. Which, if you asked me, is what science is truly all about.

*Do you see what I did there? Because astrology is about predicting the future. Who says that the news can't be fun?