Area Man Becomes One With Cosmos During Standing Quad Stretch

Tonganoxie, KS - On a cool May morning in the picturesque northeast Kansas town of Tonganoxie, named for a Native American Chief from the Delaware Tribe and boasting at least two dedicated dental offices, the last thing that Grint Richards expected was to find complete oneness with the cosmos.

Grint Richards, shown here mere seconds before achieving an orgasmic unity with the building blocks of the divine infinite

"I had just eaten half of a bagel and was easing into a nice and slow standing quad stretch," Richards later explained to the gathering crowd. "The next thing I knew I had achieved an immaculate state of supreme bliss, mastered time, matter, and space, and then up and freed myself from the shackles placed upon us by the principle of causality. Then I finished the other half of my bagel."

News of Richards' accomplishment quickly reached leaders of various Yoga communities. Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, an internationally recognized guru and founder of the Art of Living Foundation, welcomed the humble Midwestern sorghum farmer with open arms. "Most people take years to achieve this kind of connection to the universe. Mr. Richards must surely be the Chosen One who has come to fulfill the prophesy of the ancients."

Richards, who has lived in Tonganoxie with his wife Leslie Jean and a series of French bulldogs since the late 20th century, is taking his new role as spiritual leader in stride. In fact, he plans to continue taking his morning walk every day, as he has for as long as anyone in town can remember, before even thinking about serving as a catalyst for inner change within his legions of followers around the world. "I'm all for removing the veil of ignorance and darkness from people's hearts and minds, and leading them to light and knowledge, but did you know that Dwight Eisenhower once stayed the night right here on Main Street at the Myers Hotel? Yep. He sure did."