Search Results

"Nobody ever wants to talk about the people that Mr. Lecter didn't murder. Or eat for that matter. Nobody ever wants to give him any credit for all the times he just had a big salad." Senator Lankford, shown here reassuring homeless LGBTQ+ Americans that the flames of Hell will keep them warm for eternity James Lankford, senior U.S. senator from Oklahoma, during a recent press conference following the announcement of a national Hannibal Lecter memorial by President Trump .

Health A team of surgeons and nurses, shown here using masks and sterile protective gear despite the extremely low risk of catching COVID-19 For almost everyone, the days of pandemic-related masking and social distancing are in the rearview mirror. In some hospitals, however, you might think you were walking down a hallway in 2020 rather than 2026. Some medical professionals are still taking extreme measures to avoid infections. When surgeons at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles walked into an operating room at the start of a busy week of procedures, each of them wore a mask. The team, assisted by highly trained nursing staff, then quickly donned sterile gloves and gowns before getting to work. Sharbonne Jenson, the cardiothoracic surgeon tasked with repairing the patient's damaged heart valve, said that the same rules apply regardless of the complexity of the procedure. "Ultimately it's about the health of the patient whether it's a simple appendectomy or a kidney transplant," Jenson explained. "But these methods do also reduce risk to staff interacting with patients who could spread potentially harmful germs. Everybody wins at the end of the day." During the early months of the pandemic, a positive coronavirus test could have sent anyone into isolation, typically at home or on a Diamond Princess cruise ship. And though coronavirus has faded into the background of our lives, perhaps only coming up as the answer in a barroom trivia competition, some hospitals continue to be extra cautious by separating sick patients and increasing the severity of precautions in specific circumstances. Staff can often be found wearing masks, gowns, and gloves while caring for certain patients at the bedside, with some wearing a mask as they move from room to room. "I don't see these kinds of precautions ever changing," Cedars-Sinai President and CEO Dr. Peter Slavin revealed. "A lot of experts in infectious diseases think it's pretty important for us to keep washing our hands and doing other stuff like that in order to prevent spreading disease. But it's really not that big of a deal to be honest because we are all pretty used to it by now." Healthcare rebel Vinay Prasad, whose photo in this article is at least 30% larger than the other photo as requested by his people, shown here not having to consoling a child whose father and grandmother died from COVID-19 Not every expert agrees, however. Some, like notorious academic bad boy and current director of the FDA's Center for Biologics Evaluation and Research Vinay Prasad , are frustrated by the insistence of some hospitals in forcing draconian infectious disease countermeasures on patients. "It's time to open up the hospitals. Put the isolation carts in storage and take down the precaution signs. Let hospitals return to the way things were before all the coronavirus madness." It may take years for the harm that patients suffered because of the stigma and social isolation linked to COVID precautions to become apparent. Prasad, who many in Washington think is a total badass because of his uncompromising approach to public health and his desire to see children suffer for some reason, fears the worst. "It may not be tomorrow or even next week. It might not even be next year, or the year after that. Maybe not even in five or ten years, or even fifteen, twenty, or thirty. But it's coming. It's coming for all of us."

Napa County, CA - Dale Southerland, an accountant visiting the Flora Springs Winery and Vineyards in St. Helena over the weekend, shocked a large crowd of winemakers, cellar rats, and fellow winery patrons when he was able to note 27 distinct flavors in their 2023 Russian River Valley Chardonnay. Southerland, shown here tasting the gooseberry mere moments before being ripped apart by fellow wine tasters so that they might feed upon his brain stem and olfactory cortex to acquire his unique and powerful wine tasting abilities "We've had people note ten, maybe fifteen flavors before," tasting room manager Ignacio Gutierrez explained. "They'll usually describe the aroma a bit and then comment on the finish, but this was incredible. Nobody has ever taken it to this level before and it's a great example of how precise wine tasting is and how some people are just better at this than others. And Dale was just a very impressive guy. We were all just very impressed, and it's a shame what they did to him." Southerland, who noted a glimmer of autumn leaves and gooseberry as the 26th and 27th flavors, hinted at even more subtle notes before the tragedy occurred. Gutierrez, who plans on taking some time off to process the horrific event, heard the gifted taster's final words right before a retired biology teacher from Fresno tore out his trachea with her bare hands. "He didn't seem entirely sure at first, but right at the end he said he could almost pick up on just a splash of black currant with Bing cherry undertones. Then his eyes lit up, and he smiled. I knew he had found something even deeper in the flavor profile, something subtle and sublime, like the scent of squirrel's feet as they scamper across the limbs of a California redwood or the brume from chalkboard erasers clapped in the rays of the late afternoon Sun passing through a classroom window. And then...he was gone."

Tampa, FL - For over a hundred years, when people think of their friendly neighborhood dentist, two words come to mind: "rinse" and "spit". Pivotal in the well-known process of removing excess saliva, tartar, plaque, and small chunks of food during a thorough dental cleaning is the cuspidor, also known as a spittoon. Modern cuspidors, like the Quantum 3000 Turbo-Bowl, come with their own water supply and a convenient place to place small paper or plastic cups, and their high-quality metamaterials allow for clean and efficient rinsing and waste management. A dentist and dental hygienist using an Astrolux Space Spittoon while treating a patient with Stage 3 stank mouth But as technology has advanced and efforts to modernize dentistry have become increasingly successful, more dentists are questioning traditional approaches and calling for research to support them. In the crosshairs is the standard approach of instructing patients in the dental chair to rinse, typically with water or gin, and then spit into a cuspidor. Not all dentists agree on the details, even the gin. "I'll give up my cuspidor when you pry it from my cold, dead hands," Tampa dentist and April 1973 Citizen of the Month winner Glen Ratchey, explained. "Patients love it. My staff respect it. And I gave it a name. It's Doris. And Doris does right by me." Number one on the list of potential problems with rinsing and spitting into a cuspidor, even the NASA-designed Astrolux Space Spittoon, is hygiene. Modern day infection control standards pushed some dentists to install expensive and often unreliable high-power suction devices in order to do away with the need to clean the small porcelain or metal bowls. Ratchey, who asked me to not make it sound like he has sex with Doris at night after the rest of the staff have gone home, doesn't support modern alternatives: Suction devices might sound like a fancy, high tech solution, but there are risks in addition to benefits. I once saw a kid whose lips were sucked right off in the middle of getting a filling. Doris may not be as young as she used to be, but she knows how to make a man like me happy. Real happy. If you know what I mean. In addition to concerns over cleanliness, spittoon skeptics also point out a lack of randomized controlled trials showing that rinsing and spitting is effective. Mort Fishman, a dentist and medical doctor who specializes in the treatment of stank mouth, is a prominent voice calling for more evidence. "Who's to say that spitting and then rinsing isn't the right order? Is spitting even necessary at all? When should the patient resume normal swallowing? Where do teeth even come from? There is just so much we don't know." But at the end of the day, Ratchey and other dentists who choose to stick to the old ways say that patients come first. He says that there is something to be said for individualized care but also the important rituals hidden within the art of dentistry that let a patient know that they are in good hands. "What about the gaggers or the patients who hate going to the dentist and don't want some nameless device shoved into their mouth? And those ten to fifteen seconds where a patient can sit up, take a little cup of lukewarm water, swish it around, and then spit it into Doris's beautiful bowl can be a magical time to reflect on how angry I am that they don't floss every day."

Davenport, IA - Life-threatening spinal injuries usually involve a source of obvious trauma, such as a motor vehicle accident or accidentally falling down an open manhole when someone forgets to put the cover back. But this isn't always the case. A growing number of mothers and fathers are suffering from what chiropractors, experts in the management of spine health, are calling "crack back" or "line spine", and they are calling for increased awareness and action from government leaders. An elderly woman, shown here at the gym in the early stages of crack back after her no-good unemployed 49-year-old son stepped on a sidewalk crack, probably intentionally, in order to get his grubby hands on the inheritance and pay off gambling debts Crack back occurs when a child, either intentionally or accidentally, steps on a sidewalk crack. This results in the sudden and catastrophic breaking of their mother's back. Line spine, which typically affects fathers, occurs when a child steps on a line. Lines may be existing sidewalk expansion joints or even chalk-based hopscotch courts. Regardless, these cracks and lines are all extremely risky. Not every case will result in death, with some only causing minor acute or chronic low back pain, but the potential for a catastrophic outcome is very real. "This is a global epidemic with more potential for serious injury than relatively minor conditions like text neck or when a kid wears their backpack on one shoulder," Frank Grimes, a chiropractor who practices at the Crack Back Institute in Belvidere, NE, explained. "After Accordion syndrome, this is the problem with the highest risk for extreme spinal injury that we deal with in the clinic, and it has become increasingly common. This country has a real infrastructure problem, and cracks are everywhere these days. And frankly, so are kids. It's a recipe for disaster." Most people are familiar with Accordion syndrome. Named after chiropractor Robert Accordion, who first described the condition in 1907, this is when a patient's entire spinal column collapses and then comically bobs up and down as they shriek in pain. Typically linked to untreated chiropractic subluxations that damage the spine and surrounding support structures over time, it is designated as a chiropractic "never event" by the Joint Commission on Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations and Strip Malls. Grimes is hoping that crack back and line spine will receive the same focus in the near future. "I've lost count of how many lives I've seen ruined by these conditions," Grimes, who trademarked Crack Back and changed the name of his practice after noticing that more than 90% of his patients complained of low back pain, revealed. "I just diagnosed a young woman with it last week. This was a thriving mother who loved being outdoors, hiking the trials, and solo climbing up the sides of mountains. She loved life. And then her kid steps on a crack right as she's about to summit El Capitan. She survived, but she may never climb again." Sidewalks across America are in bad shape. There are billions of cracks and even more lines putting unsuspecting parents at risk, and this will likely only get worse. According to Grimes, our political leaders are failing us. "We live in the richest country in the world. The money is there to fix the problem, but we can't seem to get much of anything done in Congress anymore." Keeping sidewalk cracks and lines clear of weeds or other debris that might hide them from sight is helpful, but repairing them as soon as possible is best What can people do to prevent crack back and line spine? The most important step is prevention. Avoiding sidewalks is key because that is where high risk cracks and lines are most commonly found, although some evidence suggests that concrete driveway cracks may be just as dangerous. And keeping some kind of crack filler or sealant handy might just save the life of another mom or dad in the future. Grimes has developed the SAFE acronym to help children at almost any age to remember how to prevent severe parental spinal injuries: S tep over all cracks and lines A void sidewalks whenever possible F ill in sidewalk cracks and lines, ideally with a self-levelling polyurethane sealant E yes down at all times when walking on or near sidewalks Dr. Grimes is currently offering a Winter Wellness package for parents. This includes a complete spine analysis, which includes spinal resiliency measurements, establishing a SAFE sidewalk plan for the entire family, as well as crack back or line spine treatment if indicated for only $99. Call today!

Near Harvard - Experts in animal behavior near Harvard found in a recent study that many dog owners aren't very good at interpreting the full range of their pet's emotional states, with a whopping 95% being unable to pick up on more than two or three. Dr. Snickers, a 3-year-old Havanese, shown here experiencing intense schadenfreude after watching an aggressive German Shepherd being run over by a Cybertruck "The results were very unexpected," canine psychologist and lead science woman Josabel Clump explained. "Dogs and humans have shared a strong bond for thousands of years. They react to our emotional states and facial expressions, and previous studies have even revealed that both dogs and humans secrete oxytocin when enjoying quality time together. This helps to forge a strong connection." Despite the powerful historical bond between humanity and our pooch partners, the study, published this week in Online Publishing Module # 89,462: Dogs, Cats, and...Ferrets? , paints a different picture. Clump, the proud owner of a sweet but mysterious Havanese named Dr. Snickers, was forced to wonder if we really know our canine companions at all. "Everyone can tell when a dog is angry. And many owners are pretty quick to realize that their dog is sad or experiencing fear. But our research reveals that most owners can't perceive complex emotions like ennui, angst, or optimism about the future with any real accuracy." Understanding a dog's emotions is similar to reading human emotions. It involves the observation and interpretation of a variety of nonverbal cues, facial expressions, and bark tone. According to renowned pet psychic Loora Finchly, however, that is only the first step in an extremely complex process often taken for granted when only human beings are involved: Dog owners must consider the context surrounding the emotional breadcrumbs left by their pets, and any potential cultural influences. They have to use active listening and they have to use empathy. And when all else fails, I just ask them how they're feeling. Successfully interpreting a pet's emotional state can help to foster a rewarding relationship for everyone involved, both human and canine. Finchly, who worked with NASA in the 1960s when the space chimps kept developing nervous diarrhea, believes that many dog behavior issues can be solved by getting to the bottom of what is getting to your furry friend. "Maybe it's something simple, like a bit of boredom or a touch of jealousy. Or maybe they saw something, something they shouldn't have, something that could get someone in a lot of trouble, and it's tearing them apart."

Culver City, CA - In response to the overwhelmingly positive reviews of Melania , the recently released documentary about the 20 days leading up to Donald Trump 's second presidential inauguration as experienced through the eyes of his wife, Amazon MGM Studios has announced that they are fast-tracking several projects involving the first lady. Melania Trump, shown here in a scene from Breakfast at Tiffany's 2: Melania "People love Melania," Amazon executive chairman Jeff Bezos explained. "They love her and they are screaming for more. And more is exactly what Amazon is in the business of giving people. More products, more entertainment, and...more Melania!" The documentary, which is being described by some as the Citizen Kane of movies, is breaking attendance records across the country. Bezos, who paid $40 million for the distribution rights, the largest amount ever for a documentary, did so before realizing that the star of the film was married to Donald Trump. "I just fell in love with who I now know is the first lady, and was truly wowed by her grace and charm. So this obviously wasn't a quid pro quo situation. Don't write that it was a quid pro quo situation." Starting in late 2026, a number of Melania-focused projects will be released. According to Bezos, these efforts will cover the spectrum of entertainment media and cost just shy of a billion dollars to produce and distribute. "There's a sitcom, Melania in the City , about a talented model and her close-knit group of friends trying to make it in New York. Then there's the Christmas album, the dance competition, the art gallery full of her paintings, the stage musical about her life, and you definitely won't want to miss her Oscar-worthy performance as Melania Golightly in the sequel to Breakfast at Tiffany's ."

Kenmore, WA - Researchers near prestigious Bastyr University held an emergency press conference this week to discuss the recent findings of a blue-ribbon panel of experts in the field of homeopathy, findings that have set off shockwaves in the integrative medicine community. A science man, let's just call him Steve, shown here doing advanced homeopathy research using science and a really cool microscope One of the most worrisome health trends in recent years has been the emergence of bacteria with increasing resistance to conventional antibiotic regimens. Panel participant Carl Barkhammer, a research homeopath who has spent decades studying the curative powers of homeopathic remedies, recently changed the focus of his efforts from clinical research to the laboratory in order to prove the benefit of these treatments in patients infected with methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA). "It's amazing how fast these bugs have become resistant to antibiotics," Barkhammer explained. "I've been researching homeopathy for a long time and I had never even heard of staph aureus, let alone MRSA. To think that a brand new infectious microbe, and one that is apparently very deadly according to ChatGPT, is already nearly untreatable with antibiotics. That is some scary stuff!" Homeopathy, a healing practice discovered in 1796 by German physician Hans Diefenderfer, uses natural remedies that stimulate the innate healing powers of the human body. Proponents, like Barkhammer, believe that this vital energy is a powerful force for healing mankind's ills and has absolutely no risk. When not designing research protocols, he enjoys travelling the world to explain the merits and mechanisms of homeopathy: Homeopathy is a lot like taking an herbal remedy, only instead of using measurable quantities of a plant or other ingredient, a bottle of water or ethanol is briskly walked near one and then given a stern look. The only real risk is if lifesaving homeopathic consultation is deferred while a patient wastes time seeking care from an allopathic doctor. Barkhammer, who enjoys writing poetry and spends his summers making extra money cleaning gutters, set out to test a variety of homeopathic preparations on live cultures of MRSA. "I figured that if I was going to convince the skeptics, I had to take the human element out of the equation. Clinical studies can be wrought with confounding variables. If one of my treatments were to appear to work on an infected person, I would have to rule out anything else that may have played a role in their recovery, like acupuncture, prayer, or a bottle of skink oil . I needed to focus on just one intervention, the homeopathy. This was cutting edge science." When Barkhammer's initial attempts to kill the antibiotic resistant bacteria with homeopathic remedies failed, he was forced to dig deeper and deeper into his armamentarium. But nothing seemed to work: I tried everything I could think of, and then I tried everything I could find cited in the homeopathic literature. Nothing worked and I began to grow very concerned. I wondered if the bacteria was already developing extreme resistance to homeopathic remedies, or worse. Yeah, I haven't slept well since." Barkhammer, who coaches his son's little league team and dreams of one day owning his own car, wondered if bacteria other than homeopathic-resistant Staph aureus , or HRSA (pronounced "hersa"), had also begun to develop resistance. "I began to test every bacterial species that I could get my hands on and the results were the same every time, leaving me no choice but to conclude that it is possible that all known bacterial pathogens are now resistant to homeopathy. Let that sink in." Still, Barkhammer believes that there is hope for the future. He hasn't given up on homeopathy as a legitimate alternative to antibiotics for the treatment of bacterial infections yet. "There is an infinite number of potential remedies out there. I haven't tried everything. Maybe hyper-diluted blue whale bile or the tears of a virgin exposed to the light of a full moon might work. But the most likely problem is that I failed to acknowledge how a laboratory setting might interfere with the complex quantum vibrations that take place when a homeopathic remedy is perfectly matched to an individual patient's symptoms. There is still work to be done figuring out new and better ways to study homeopathy until its healing power is proven beyond doubt. That's just how science works."

Washington, D.C. - One day after withdrawing from the World Health Organization, the United States has now also officially left the United Federation of Planets (UFP). White House homeland security advisor Stephen Miller, a human-Ferengi hybrid, shown here politely waiting his turn to bear spray a newborn in the face "This was not a decision made lightly," Chief of Space Operations General Bradley Chance Saltzman explained. "But it was a decision that reflected the UFP's failure to deal with the bureaucratic bloat, entrenched paradigms, conflicts of interest, and intragalactic power politics that have plagued many legacy institutions." The UFP, commonly referred to simply as the Federation, is a supranational interstellar union of more than a hundred planetary political entities operating semi-autonomously under a single central government. According to President Trump during keynote remarks at the 2026 World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, the decision to break with the Federation is permanent. "Have you seen these guys, with the crazy ridges on their faces and the pointy ears, and some of them are green or blue. It's weird, right? And what are they doing to do about it? Shoot us with their phasers and photon torpedoes? I have two words for these aliens: Golden Dome." During the speech, President Trump also announced the formation of a Board of Interstellar Peace. The Klingon and Romulan Empires, Borg Collective, the Dominion, Khan, Q, Gul Dukat, and Data's evil brother Lore have been invited to join so far. The board will be permanently chaired by Trump, and then Trump's brain once his body has fully decomposed. The United Federation of Planets was unable to be reached for comment.

Embracing Alternative Cleaning Top hospitals put unorthodox methods into practice "To be honest, if we didn't see and smell the difference, we would have called the nurse's station to complain," says Sarah Saltzberg. She's referring to the freshly cleaned room of her son Timmy, who was recently diagnosed with childhood diabetes and admitted to Lurie Children's Hospital of Chicago for treatment and education. Insulin shots, a carbohydrate counting diet, and frequent blood sugar checks have been vital aspects of Timmy's care in the hospital, but equally important to his family is something very different from the harsh, time-consuming, impersonal, and one-size-fits-all cleaning methods typically endorsed by Western science. A nurse applying a chiropractic sanitation adjustment to improve the energy flow through a dirty hospital mattress The janitor has just performed a kind of energy-based cleaning that might have been challenged or even persecuted by established Western custodians until just a few years ago. Faster acting, and lacking the typical pungent odors of more mainstream cleaning supplies, Quantum Cleaning, as it is called by proponents, takes advantage of electron transitions associated with the interactions of visible and ultraviolet particles with trash, bodily fluids, and dirty linens. According to experts in the field, the quantum energy of photons precisely matches the energy gap between soiled and clean states of matter. By taking advantage of precise interactions between and within energy and matter, a Quantum Cleaning practitioner works to elevate the quantum position from the lower to the upper state, rendering matter void of any and all unclean quantum entanglements. According to Clancy Simmons, a certified Quantum Cleaning provider at the hospital, this rebalances the energy field believed to envelop the room, leaving a fresh lemony scent. "Every day I spend five to ten minutes in Timmy's room and then you could eat off of the floor in there! But don't. Don't eat off the floor." Just a few years ago, patients at Lurie Children's would have seen custodians using only conventional evidence-based cleaning techniques. Like most facilities around the country, this research-oriented medical center, known for high ranking status among pediatric teaching hospitals, would have been full of brooms, mops, and disinfectant sprays and wipes. But more academic hospitals are now embracing janitorial alternative methods, or JAM. Facilities like the Mayo Clinic, Duke University Medical Center, and the University of California-San Francisco are now replacing traditional methods with Quantum Cleaning and other JAM services, like antimicrobial Reiki and acuclaving surgical equipment prior to use. And sweet little diabetic angel Timmy Salzberg is only one of many children benefiting from room cleaning that not long ago was considered by mainstream academic research janitors to be unfounded and ineffective. Thanks to the work of JAM pioneers like Simmons, a growing body of pragmatic evidence has emerged: I ask people all the time and more than half of Americans appear to be interested in seeking alternative cleaning services. Then that case report in Online Publishing Module #124,952: Integrative Sanitation described the use of a homeopathic ammonia solution to remove dust from hospital window blinds. That really got the attention of those ivory tower eggheads! Back at Lurie Children's, Timmy is sleeping soundly while his mother appreciates the clean and comfortable environment. "It's hard to not think about all the families that came before us who weren't able to benefit from more natural cleaning methods. And Clancy has some really intriguing thoughts about whether or not Timmy really needs all these insulin injections."

New York - Scientists around the world are warning families about a hilarious but dangerous social media trend that could result in criminal charges and serious injuries, including the end of all life on Earth, or worse. Three teenagers planning their next TikTok prank. Could they be the boys that ultimately kill us all? Yes. A thousand times yes! According to Regibald Teaborne, a spokesperson for the United Nations Interagency Task Force on Global Catastrophic Threats, the trend has increased in popularity in recent weeks prompting worldwide laughter and concern. "Numerous incidents have been reported across the globe. And though it gets funnier each and every time it happens, it puts us at risk. All of us. There really would be no escape for anyone in a worst case scenario." "So far, none of these local incidents have caused more than a few dozen deaths, some structural damage to a few buildings, and a few million smiley face emojis," Teaborne explained. "But at this rate it's only a matter of time before one of these pranks triggers something more substantial than an LOL or even an ROFL. It could be something much more dangerous." The pranks, typically recorded and posted to social media sites like TikTok by lonely teenage boys seeking virtual attention and validation in the form of increasing follower counts, are particularly high risk. Teaborne, whose nephew has a computer, is hoping that by increasing awareness of the dangers, the Task Force will convince these children and young adults to stop putting the lives of every living thing on Earth at risk. "We are talking about a complete and irrevocable severing of the bonds that tie our own universe to the greater multiverse. We are talking about a complete decoupling of our reality. We will be broken down into quantum foam and it will be an absolute riot, but it will also be extremely painful and we will all be dead." Teaborne and the task force want the public to know that individuals participating in these pranks may face serious legal consequences. "This might include arrest and criminal charges such as trespassing or extinction-level vandalism. Things could turn from amusing to Armageddon in the blink of an eye and you are risking going from edgy comic to eternally cancelled before you know it." The United Nations Interagency Task Force on Global Catastrophic Threats is urging parents and guardians to speak with their children about online viral challenges and the risk of bringing about cataclysmic devastation or even the Biblical end of days. They are encouraging conversations about safe, responsible choices when it comes to social media use. Finally, they recommend holding your children close and telling them that you love them.

Cambridge, MA - Researchers in ancient Chinese medicine and advanced robotics near the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) believe that they are close to a breakthrough that would allow for successful acupuncture treatments on the cellular level. An acupuncturist and acupuncture anesthetist performing robotically-assisted acupuncture on a patient who has been feeling kind of tired lately. Also...AI? "This is kind of the Holy Grail of acupuncture that many experts in the field have thought would be impossible," project leader Malt McCoy explained. "But with recent advances in both robotics and artificial intelligence, we may soon be able to revolutionize the way we approach the management of most, if not all, human illness." As is often the case throughout human history, personal tragedy served as an inspiration for future discovery. McCoy, who lost his mother when he was a sophomore in high school, has never forgotten how it felt to be truly helpless in the face of an adversity that doctors said wasn't something that they could help with. He dedicated his life to finding a way to cure all human illness as a tribute to his mother, who he later found hiding in the upstairs linen closet. Robot-assisted surgery is a well established treatment modality in modern medicine. According to McCoy, technology such as Intuitive's da Vinci 5 Surgical System, which boasts state-of-the-art robotics featuring 3D high-definition magnification and enhanced haptics, has given acupuncturists the ability to maneuver with far greater precision than human wrists and fingers on their own. "We just needed needles small enough to work at the microscopic scale of individual cells, which are much smaller than most people realize." Why would acupuncture treatments focusing on individual cells be better than inserting needles into the skin? I reached out to Dr. Mort Fishman, a gynecological acupuncturist who works with the da Vinci system in his fertility acupuncture practice, for an explanation: Cells are the fundamental building blocks of life. They make up all our tissues, organs, and body systems. Shoving a tiny needle through a cell's membrane and directly into an organelle, like a mitochondrion, a ribosome , a golgi body, or even the nucleus itself, is going to do something spectacular in terms of health. "The first and arguably most important step in this long journey was the development of needles small enough to enter a cell without just smooshing it," McCoy revealed. "The process involves highly advanced microfabrication techniques like photolithography, reactive ion etching, and nanowhittling to produce such sharp and incredibly tiny needles." The second step, and one that might take even longer, will be the development of clinically verified acupoints. McCoy admits that it won't be easy. "It's going to take a combination of electron microscopy and intuition when it comes to mapping meridian channels in each organelle. In many ways, acupuncture is a hard science. But in others, it's an art. An intimate dance between provider and patient, or in this case, a patient's rough endoplasmic reticulum." Why AI? Couldn't the team simply program the acupuncture robots to function based on treatment protocols once they are established? McCoy disagrees with such superficial critiques of his work. "To be human is to explore the unknown and shine the light of science into the darkness. And if there wasn't at least a small chance that what we are doing might one day kill us all, what is the point? Do you see what I did there? Because it's acupuncture?"